Last night, I had a moment of intensity. I was about to call it a meltdown, but it
wasn’t. It was a moment of raw, engulfing catharsis. I told God that I didn’t like this place, this corridor. This place of waiting. I’ve tried to be diligent in reviewing job
openings and applying, but it’s getting harder and harder to do. Whenever you click apply, you are immediately
taken to the employer’s website. Each
company seems to have one and you have to complete their online application,
retyping the same things over and over and over. Though you can upload your resume, the auto-fill always requires modification as it
puts things in the wrong places. When
you’ve done that over and over and over again, it can make you want to bang
your head against the wall or, in my case, lose energy.
Between coloring my gray hair and watching Private Practice on television, I went
on Oprah’s website and did a search on “letting go.” I felt myself becoming
clingy and felt that I needed to read something that could help me
chill out. I came across an article by
Martha Beck, "Your Best Life is
Waiting. I kinda glanced through it
until I came to Step Three: Feel Your
Soul’s Desires. It read, “the biggest
obstacle to a recognition of our soul’s desires is the mind…The soul tells us
what we want and need, while the mind tells us what we think we want and need.” It
gave the example of the soul wanting “to be free from worry” and the mind
thinks that winning the lottery is the answer.
So we spend all our time focused on winning the lottery instead of
simply tuning into our souls. How true this is of me. I’ve been so stuck in my mind trying to
figure out what will give my soul what it wants, that I’ve neglected what’s
most important.
I know in my head that answers come when I am in a rested
place, but something, probably my mind, is afraid to let go. It’s afraid that if I am not diligent, I'm not doing all I need to do to show that I really want a job. It’s afraid that my soul is
wanting too much.
After all, all this desire for purpose doesn't seem to be creating income. And in about a week or so that is going to
be paramount.
The article suggests that I do an exercise. It says on one piece of paper list all the
things you want. That’s easy. I want a job.
I want income. I want to get out of this corridor before my
resolve is interloped by waning savings and cabin fever. Okay, okay. Then it says to turn the page over or get a
new page and list things I yearn for. Reading that took me deeper. I
yearn for...I yearn to get up every morning without hating to go to a job where there is no room for me. Room for my skills, yes; but not truly room for me. I yearn to know that this desire comes from God. I need to know that I won't come out of this corridor only to go right back to the same emptiness, the same mundaneness, the same unfulfillment. I yearn to not
just hope, or believe that God will honor my soul’s desire but to KNOW that He will. I yearn for a pathway, some sense that I'm on the right path, some sense that the movement is meaningful. That this break won't be a waste. That I don’t fail myself. I yearn for evidence that this is born of
faith not folly. I need this for
me. I don’t just want a life where I
spend my time grasping or running here
and there. That’s so desperate. I don’t want to just wish and hope anymore. I want a substantive life where there is
proof. Without proof, my articles, my
blogs, my beliefs and values hold little credibility.
I yearn for God’s validation of what I am at this point in my life. I need to know that I matter that much to God. Nobody can give me that. It's got to come from within me. I got to know it. I got to know what my purpose is worth. It’s got to happen in a way that I know
it.
Like Jesus often said, “I know that He [God] hears me.” That part of it, I know. I don’t doubt that God hears me. I know that.
It’s the next part of it that’s got me shaking in my boots. Jesus knew that God would honor Him. Why? “I
only do what I see the Father do,” was his reason. Obviously, there was some flow he was in. He didn't see God's answers as isolated events but part of a continuum. There was proof of it. People saw it and believed. It’s not that I take what Jesus said literally. I don't think that as the point. I believe the point was oneness. He was aligned with His inner core. To me, that is synonymous with “doing what I see the Father do” for I truly believe that
when we honor our truest selves, we are honoring the God that made us in His Image. And if we are honoring that, He cannot deny
Himself. He has to make good by
manifesting what He has placed in our hearts.
That’s what gives us credibility.
Otherwise, we seem like a bunch of religious folks going through gyrations in our church gatherings and religious observances, begging, dreaming and
wishing but not producing anything of lasting value. No impact. No power. That’s not okay. For me, that’s not enough.
I wish I could rush through this. I really do.
I feel I sound somewhat redundant. I'm just working through this.
On to Step Four, trust your life to unfold perfectly. Okay, another exercise. “Choose a soul’s desire that seems modest…Make
sure it’s something that’s really coming from your core. Then deliberately choose to trust that your
wish will be fulfilled.” Okay, I can
calm down a little. What is something modest? With this new information, I feel compelled to practice mindfulness, to practice presence. To be attentive to my soul. I was at first, but the longer I've been without a job, the more my focus has shifted back to "lack" and fearing scarcity. Step Four goes on to say
“Feel so sure of it that you don’t even need the outcome, because you feel as
if you already have it. Then watch and
see. Be open to all the ways in which
your answer may come. Your trust will be
rewarded.”
The final exercise is to make a list of every desire of your
soul that has been fulfilled in the past. I hear it as my revisiting the ways God
manifested in my life before. Wow, there
are too many to type. My son going to
college without my having to take out a loan.
Moving into my new home without debt.
I yearned to know what it felt like to be loved,
truly loved by a man and that prayer has been answered far beyond what I had ever known. Even this moment--this purpose-directed moment--is in response to my soul’s desire.
The corridor can make you lose sight. You lose sight of all the times your
soul’s desire was manifested. I’m
grateful for this reminder. The anxiety has been in not having a clear path or a clear picture of how all this is going to work out. This glimmer of light has given me hope. I am so grateful for that.
