A Retraction to April 11, 2012 Blog

On April 11th, I wrote a blog where members of my family were used to illustrate a point.  I wrote about my cousin Jenny, my cousin Marvin, and my cousin Lawrence in particular.  I said they didn't reach their full potential.  That was a judgment on my part.  And it was wrong of me to make that judgment.  This blog is a retraction of what was written.  Without consideration for how what I shared would be viewed or even making sure of the facts that I shared, I wrote about what I had heard over the years or what was my perception but I never checked to make sure of the facts.  My family has made me aware that my account is not true. Even more importantly, their stories were not mine to tell.  I should have respected their memory and their immediate family and friends better.  I take full responsibility and own up to my error. 

To be honest, I don't know the details of my cousins' lives.  I only know how they made me feel.  Each one treated me with acknowledgement and respect.  I knew they loved me.  I felt accepted by them.  That is all that I really and truly know.  There were aspects of their lives and yes, even their deaths, that can't have been and shouldn't have been summed up in one or two sentences.  They mattered.  They mattered to our family.  They mattered to their community.  They each had a purpose that was bigger than what I realized at the time I wrote about them.  God holds each one near and dear to His heart.  And the full extent of their lives isn't in how they died but how they lived.  Each one taught me something.  Each of them, in their own way, taught me what unconditional love is all about.  They taught me compassion for the hurting and the suffering.  For this, I am forever impacted and grately indebted to them.   

Each person in our lives comes to teach us something.  Regardless of the length of the encounter, every detail I believe is carefully crafted by someone greater.  I call him God.  There is a saying, "what would Jesus do," that was very popular some years ago.  I believe that He expands our capacity to love more deeply and live more richly if we are open and willing.  In this moment of introspection, I am encouraged to be more mindful.  Mindful of how we live.  Mindful for how I use my pen.  Our lives are a testimony of who we are and who God is.  We can make a difference.  We can use the lessons that life is trying to teach us to become the best of who we are. 

I think about death sometimes and hope that by praying about how I'd like it to be--since I've been told that all of us have to go that way--I'll be able to exit with grace, leaving an impact of all whom I have touched.  Regardless of how it goes down, I hope that my life, the sum of it, won't be in how I died; but how I loved, how I forgave, how I became better as I learned better, how I made you feel, how I allowed God to use you, my friends, my family and my readers to bring out the very best in me. 

To Jenny, Marvin, Lawrence, and other family members who were hurt by what I wrote, my sincerest apologies.  I love you eternally. Rest in peace.  

Four Mantras that Will Make A Difference in Your Relationships

During today's Super Soul Sunday on OWN, Oprah interviewed peace advocate and Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. There were so many nuggets from that interview. I should have grabbed my paper and pen earlier. I tell you, as I listened to him, my insides were pinging like the little ball in an arcade game it bounces around with bells and lights going off.

He talked about compassionate listening. It's listening to relieve the suffering of the other person. He said that when two people conflict--a good example is a squabble between friends or lovers--there is some suffering that fuels the intensity of the disagreement. What he suggests is taking yourself out of the argument and taking on the posture of compassionate listening. Your intention is different. It isn't to make your point. It isn't to bring clarity. It is to listen to the person's experience of that moment. During this time, you don't discuss your perspective. It's all about the other person. You talk about what's on your mind at another time. He said that if we would do this, it would make a difference in how we relate with others. And how we resolve differences.

Another nuggets was mindful walking. Mindful walking is taking steps and saying, "I have arrived" with each step. He says that as we take two or three more steps, say, "I am home, home, home." This keeps us in the moment. He reiterated what I already knew. This moment is all we have. Even Jesus says "take not thought for tomorrow." If we strive to find joy and gratitude in our present moment, tomorrow will have the same. Joy and gratitude.

This touched me. It's difficult to focus on the present moment when you want to start working. When your checkbook balance is decreasing, you can become overwhelmed with anxiety. How do we outlast the discomfort, acknowledge the miracle of the present moment. I am breathing. I am hearing. I am typing. I am being productive at this moment. I am typing something that will be released into the cyber universe. Someone will read these words and be awakened. This moment is a gift. In this moment, my needs are met. Sure, my money seems to be waning but it isn't gone yet. All my bills are paid. My mortgage is paid. My utilities are paid. I have food to eat. I don't even have to cook it. I can go downstairs without crutches or help. My two legs are working just fine. I can lift. I know where I am and what I'm doing. I am full. I am full of love. I am full of gratitude. My world is being transformed in my mindfulness. In my gratitude. In my appreciation of this moment. I am reminded of this by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Before he finished his interview, he shared four mantras that will make a difference in our relationships:

Mantra #1: "Darling, I'm here for you." When you love someone, your presence is the best thing you can offer them.
"Darling, you know something I’m here for you" should be the response of your beloved.

Mantra #2: "Darling, I know you are there and I am so happy." Their presence is very precious. Embrace your beloved with mindfulness. Recognize his/her existence.

Mantra #3: "Darling, I know you suffer that is why I am here for you." This is when your beloved is suffering.

Mantra #4: "Darling, I suffer. I am trying to practice [being present with you]. Please help me." This is when your beloved is the cause of your suffering.

All these mantras suggest a way to stay present with the person you love regardless of what pain, anger, disappointment, anxiety, mistrust, and other negative emotions you are feeling. What hearing this again reminded me of was you can't just be present with someone during the good times, or the times you're getting along. But when the other person is experiencing discomfort from their past or their present or they have done something that has brought you discomfort, true commitment requires that you stay present.

My boyfriend and I talked about what helped me when I was overcome with anxiety, insecurity and "suffering" in the early days of our relationship. What I didn't understand caused me "suffering." I feared where we were going. I feared his commitment to the relationship. I feared not being of priority. What he did that helped me with every insecure moment was (1) he never shamed me or blamed me for how I felt, (2) he was consistent in showing up and (3) his motivation didn't wane with challenges. If I told him what I needed to remain in the relationship, we examined the reality and he came up with what he could do to contribute to helping us. This has been consistent for a year and 3 months now. I felt truly heard. We women need that. I know we can be all over the place emotionally sometimes. Sometimes we can't give you a clear answer. Our man helps us by being a rock for us during those times. He gives us emotional support.

We recognize we have triggers that have the potential to contaminate our relationship.  We’re focusing on those apart from the other.  They are areas that we want to change in ourselves.  We also realize that we cannot hold the other person responsible for making us better. I'm grateful for having that level of compatibility in a partner. I am mindful and grateful.