I Love Martha Beck

Ever since I read the book, Finding Your North Star, I have loved Martha Beck.  If you don’t know her, she is the go-to  author and life coach to Oprah Winfrey.  There is just something whimsical and unburdening about Martha that strikes a chord with me.  I recollect it was in her book that I read about my soul wanting to dance.  She talks about the time she had minor surgery.  Beseiged with post-op pain, she sought some type of effective pain management.  In her conversation with the nurse, she got what she felt was the best advice she could have received.  The nurse said, “You’re supposed to avoid stress and get lots of rest.But if your soul wants to dance, staying in bed is stressful, and dancing is restful.”  I was staring out my window, feeling that mouse in the corner cautiousness.  Oh how I longed to expand, to breath, to dance.   Her words gave me permission. 

Her words spoke to my weirdness.  "You feel one way but do the exact opposite,”  my relationship coach pointed out to me in response to my sharing with her what a guest speaker told potential camp leaders for The Encouraging Place's Summer Camp for Women.  In essence, I don’t let anxious feelings dictate my life.   I might feel like retreating to my home, closing the blinds and putting up a “do not disturb” sign on the door knob.   Instead, I get dressed and go volunteer.  Whenever I’m going through that struggle between what my soul wants and what I’ve been conditioned to do, Martha's words remind me that choosing my soul is the right thing to do.   

Her words silence the taunting of anxious thoughts.  Despite going with my gut, I’ve seldom felt peace about my decisions.  If everything goes hunky-dory, I pat myself on the back and say I made the right decision.  At the same time, if I'm met with challenge, my thoughts harp all over me.  Not a good spot to be in.  Martha would say that my social self and essential self are at war.  Before that, I would sabottage my own progress.  I see that confused look.  What the heck is a social self and an essential self, you're thinking.  Martha differentiates them in her book but here’s my take.  Your social self is the self that is socially conscious, socially savvy and socially motivated.  The essential self isn’t.  It’s not necessarily politically correct.  Much to the contrary, it pretty darn controversial. Nevertheless, it’s what you need to feel whole.  It’s the meaningful self.  It’s as unique as your fingerprint and cannot be dictated by anybody. 

The essential self can be suppressed or overwhelmed by the social self or the essential self and social self can work together harmoniously.  Folks who are happiest are those folks whose selves  agree to “play on the same team.” In many ways, your essential self is the call. Your social self is the response.   Say, your essential self needs to rest.  Your social self can turn off the TV and go to bed or it can choose to pull an all-night cram session for your final exam.  With Martha’s insights, I’m gaining understanding needed to stop my social self from ignoring or bullying my essential self. 

Her words affirm what I already know:  my essential self is fueled by my authenticity.  Even when I was flip-flopping between two opinions, my body always knew the difference.  It spoke its truth through that queasy feeling or resistance when I was about to do something I didn't want to do or be around somebody I didn't want to be around.  Because I've learned to respect those visceral reactions, I don't force people to assume any role they aren’t comfortable with.  To impose my will in that way, in my opinion is abuse.  I will be leading a Woman’s Camp come Monday.  Rather than my co-leader and I assuming roles that are contrary to our essential selves, we are choosing to play to our strengths.  As a result, she feels excited.    So do I.


I can't say that I've fully surrendered my control tendencies.  My social self still hunches my essential self to provoke a fight.  What can I say, I'm a work in progress.  But I am making progress...I sense it...I see it... I feel it.  A calmness is settling over me that I gotta admit is pretty cool.  For this, I credit God who is leading me.  And Martha Beck, whose words are soothing me.  I love Martha Beck.