Obedience, The Doorway to Provision

It never ceases to amaze me how Life can invite you into its own Master Class. Take the aftermath of my refrigerator purchase. My son went to Newark to seek housing for his summer internship. My sister visited from Atlanta to attend the ordination of a pastor friend of ours. With these concurrent events were expected and unexpected financial demands. Though I enjoy having visiting friends and family, it can become quite costly. You spend more. Food. Gas. Time. Unknown to them, I had surges of overwhelm from time to time. I questioned silently whether I really should have bought the refrigerator. Should I have gotten a cheaper one? Should I have waited to see how financially impacting this Memorial Day weekend would be? Was it really Wisdom telling me it was time to get the fridge or was it my need to have certain conveniences right now?

I put gas in the car. I bought lunch for everyone. But it was disproportionate to the provision. As if the Universe heard my hidden anxiety, provision showed up. Without my even having to ask, my sister filled my gas tank. When we got hungry, she bought blackened tilapia for us. When my son needed money quickly to put down a deposit on a place he found in New Jersey, she immediately wired him the money. When a taxi service overcharged his credit card, she had had the same happen to her during her travels and gave him good advice on how to handle it. God used her to take the pressure off. Yes, we took care of each other but God's provision shined through her in completely unexpected ways that tripled, quadrupled my li'l offering of hospitality.

This morning, somewhere between 5:00am and my arrival back home from taking my sister to the airport, a Greater Voice invited me to reflect. Earlier this week, my Inner Wisdom said, "It is time." I was obedient. Provision came. Obedience is the doorway to provision. Was the cost of the refrigerator even a factor, I pondered. What if I had decided to use my resources to buy a $2000 refrigerator instead of paying a little over $800? Would it have mattered? Was the provision contingent on that?

As I thought about this and listened for the answer, I remembered Star Wars. You know that part where Yoda is instructing Luke Skywalker about using the force. Luke is in the handstand position with objects floating around him. "Focus," Yoda instructs. "Feel the force." While luke is focusing, he receives an impulse that his friends are in trouble. Anxious to get to them, he lamented that his aircraft was stuck in the marsh. While he cowered in despair, Yoda takes center stage. He closes his eyes. He raises his hands. The huge aircraft begins to budge and before long it levitates with the same ease as the smaller objects.

"Size doesn't matter. Big. Small. The force is the same." Yoda's words spoke to Luke's moment and now to mine. I understood something I had not before. God's provision isn't contingent on anything other than my obedience. My Wise Self prompted me to act and I did. Not only did God provide the resources needed for me to act; but the resources I'd need afterward. God is All-Wise and All-Knowing. He already knew what refrigerator I would pick. He already knew how much it would cost. He already knew the needs that would arise afterward. When God opens a door, you cannot close it. You can stare at it and question the why's and the how's or you can walk through it.

This weekend, I found that to be true. Surprisingly, I also found the converse is true as well. My lawn looked a hot mess. I hadn't noticed until Friday. You have to understand, my lawn was absolutely gorgeous. My grass looked like green-tuft velvet. Beautiful! You can imagine my surprise when, as I backed out of my driveway, I saw that it was now yellowish brown and weeds were sprouting all over. Argggggggghhhhh! I called friends, telling them I needed lawn care immediately. Despite their recommendations and making multiple calls to lawn care providers, my lawn continues to look awful. What happened? Rain. One thunderstorm after another. One scattered shower after another. What this has taught is no matter how much I want something now, God knows when and how to provide. And so I rest.

Just Because I Wanted It

I knew it was time. Somewhere between opening letters and looking at Oprah's round circle chat with staff and producers on OWN, I knew. I had to buy a refrigerator. I had been stuffing food items into my neice's college size refrigerator since day one of my move into my home. I told myself that I didn't want to pay for a brand new one. Sounded mature at the time. I think something else was behind my hesitation though.

When Stedman Graham was saluting Oprah at her farewell gala, he said that he was amazed that a woman who could create "all of this," brought her lunch with her to work every single day. Later, during his interview on the Gayle King Show, he and Gayle discussed it. "People don't know that she's frugal," Gayle said. Remarkably, Oprah had packed her lunch every day for 25 years, thinking not only of herself but bringing lunch for Sherri Salata and another producer.

I'd like to think that I am frugal too. After all, for years, it's been easier for me to spend money on others than on myself. But if I were to be honest, I'd have to say that good stewardship, frugality or selflessness aren't the reasons behind it. Today the deeper truth became clear. While writing this blog actually. I feel unworthy. I grapple with feelings of unworthiness every time I spend money on myself or for something I want. You know that queasy uneasy feelin that won't let you enjoy it. You know what I mean? Makes you justify it to yourself and other people what you did and why you did it. If you have a good reason, it's okay. If not, it's not. Why can't we simply say I wanted it and leave it at that?

I really believe that is why it took me so long to buy a refrigerator. If I bought a used one or one off Craigslist then I could impress others with my being responsible, frugal or a good steward. Probably wouldn't be feelin that stunned I just forked out $868 dollars and some change for a refrigerator feeling. Would I have felt more peaceful about it? Maybe, maybe not. Knowing me, probably not. I would have worried about not having the safety net of a warranty. I would have wondered if, when I got it home, it would run great for a while but then start shakin and making those defective sputters later on. And what if I had found a great deal on a fridge on Craigslist? I don't have a truck! Some sellers will deliver their product. This is true. But for me, no way is that an option. I don't know them and I don't want them knowing where I live.

Perhaps that's why I needed that inner push. My sister is coming for Memorial Day and my son is here from college. Three adults and one college size refrigerator? Not gonna work. So with that motivating fact, I dashed out of here last night. Walked swiftly around Lowe's with my US Postal Change of Address 10% discount and my gift cards in tow. Got what I wanted and I didn't break the bank. But most of all, I got what I wanted just because I wanted it.

Radio Show

Thanks to Bonnie Kaye, the beautiful person who asked me to be a guest on her radio show.  Sharing my story with the radio listeners last night was such a gift.  After I took my son to college, I wondered if I had a purpose and what it was.  I felt so displaced.  Why am I still here, I'd ask in my silent moments.  Sure, you think about all the things you wanna do that you weren't able to because you needed food in the fridge and to keep the lights on.  But there are only so many meetups and singles socials one can participate in.  After a while, even dating randomly can become boring.  Trading one project for another can only take you so far.  I need for my life to have meaning.  Last night was that moment for me.  It expanded my sphere of possibilities.  It gave my voice a microphone to a radio audience I normally wouldn't have reached. 

Lord, you're up to something in my life.  You've blessed me with a beautiful house.  You've blessed me with a wonderful man.  Now this.  Whatever and whereever you're taking me, my response is a resounding "yes!"

You Can't Help Who You're Attracted To. Oh Really?

I’ve heard it said that you can’t help who you are attracted to. Well, I believe different. I think it’s a matter of maturity and self discipline.

Taking an example from my own experience, it is no secret that my past is riddled with unavailable men. In some way, shape or form, unavailable is stamped cross his forehead. Whether he was married, engaged, separated, lived in another state, in church 24/7, a workaholic or just a plain ole narcissist, he was not available. When I met my last boyfriend, though I had my reservations about him from the start, he was available. Regardless to whether he and I lasted or not, I decided that I needed to know what it felt like to date an available man. It was time to grow up.

Let's not get it twisted.  I did find him attractive. It was different though.  It wasn’t that knees buckling, OHHHH MYYYY GODDDD attraction that makes your heart race, your palms get sweaty – among other things. Neither was it that "he's alright" type of attraction that becomes more intense when he doesn't call you after a date or says he's going to meet you and doesn't.  Sometimes that feeling of what the hell can keep you caught up when you wouldn't be otherwise.  But that's the topic of another blog...lol.  What was different was I was able to be involved with him without losing my good sense.

As I said before, it was a bumpy ride. There were certain things about him that my intuition was dead on about, but I have learned that we can choose to honor a higher truth. A Higher Intuition, if you will.  You know that passage in the Bible where it says that “Jesus was driven by the Holy Spirit into the wilderness?” Then after he was tempted, He “came out in the power of the Spirit?” Well, that scripture spoke to me while I was kneejerking my way through my relationship. That Higher Intuition or Holy Spirit required that I not leave the relationship out of intimidation or fear. “There are some things in life that you have to dig your heels in the ground and say ‘I won’t be intimidated’”, my Higher Intuition said to me.

For many of us women, we’ve allowed a broken relationship – be it one with a parent or someone we really fell hard for – to dictate our relationships. Either we’re attracted to someone who fits the profile of the dad who wasn’t there or the mother who rejected us because “you’re just like your daddy.” Or we gave our hearts to someone and they left it broken and now we’re broken. I think that sometimes what we’re most attracted to is someone who has that certain something that evokes a clinginess out of us. We can’t get away. We’re hopelessly “in love.” We got it bad for this man or this woman and it ain’t good.

Hence, the question.  Does love make us powerless?  I don't believe that it does.  "But I love him,"you argue. How many times have we heard that from the woman who is beat beyond recognition?  How many times have you heard him say that he loves the woman who treats him like shiggety?  I don't care how you slice it, I don't buy it.  You're lying.  I said it, yes I said it (in my Michael Baisden voice). Why can't we get honest with ourselves?  What's the truth?  Tell me the truth.  "I'm broken."  That was my truth.  Or as Love Is a Choice defined it, “I’m codependent.” He’s broken and I need him to be broken so my love can fix him.  I need to stay until she stops treating me badly. I need the daddy who wasn’t there to acknowledge me or the mother who was critical to accept me.  I need to help you love me cause if I can't convince you, then maybe that's proof that I...I am not enough. 

With understanding comes change. This is why I needed to stay the course. I needed to dismantle that attraction to something not good for me. I needed to change those broken beliefs awakened when I felt insecure. I needed to take the magnet out of that attraction.  And I needed to come out "in the power of the Spirit."  By submitting to my Higher Intuition, I found that being with an available man feels soooooo much better than hungering for an unavailable one.  And I found that the end of the relationship didn't have to perpetuate brokenness.  Quite the contrary, it mended what was broken. 

I’m still a work in progress. Since returning to the dating scene, I’ve met men who rang my bell.  I felt that special connection. That magic. But just as sho as the road goes by the church, they weren’t available. Where I would have been attracted like a moth to a flame, I've been able to walk away after a couple of conversations.  It's like I'm walking in a new consciousness.  A new liberation.  In fact, I am now dating a wonderful man who is definitely an improvement over my last serious relationship.  Being with him is as comfortable as breathing. Will it last? I dunno. But who cares! It’s the journey that is most important. The end will take care of itself.

What's Your Gift?

It is true that Steve Harvey, though a bestselling author, is quite controversial.  Many people - both men and women - have strong concerns about him due to his checkered past.  Nevertheless, I have learned to listen for the voice of my Higher Consciousness, my Wise Guide, my Wonderful Counselor whomever He speaks through.  Yesterday, it was Steve Harvey. 

Lifechanging for me was his analogy of passion versus gift.  Let me explain.  We've been told to pursue our passion.  That this is the path to true happiness and fulfillment.  In difference, Steve gave an example from his own life.  When he was young, he was passionate about basketball.  "There was one problem," Steve said and I paraphrase.  "When I'd have to drive the ball hard to the basket, I'd lose the ball along the way."  That's a problem. 

"Your gift will make room for you and bring you before great men," says the Bible.  Steve referenced this scripture while clarifying that the importance is to find what you are gifted to do.  "You can be passionate about something but not gifted to do it."  This struck a chord within me.   

What is my gift? You might ask.  "It's what you do with the least amount of effort," Steve clarified.  It's what you're able to do almost effortlessly.  It's almost second nature.  I began to reflect on my gift of music.  That is the gift I am most known by since me and my sisters have been singing and playing the piano since we were young.  We'd parade around the front porch of our home on Oak Street, with pencils in our hand as microphones and sing with perfect harmony.   

"When I took the DISC Personality Test, my dominate trait was that of Advisor," I whispered to my friend, Gail, while listening to Steve's words.  "Most definitely.  I can see that," Gail responded.  Teacher, counselor, sound advice, easy-to-talk-to, genuine, thought-provoking, outside the box, engaging, honest, enlightening, liberating, soothing are all adjectives I've heard at one time or another to describe how I sing, how I speak and how I write.  The singing, the speaking and the writing are just tools for what I am truly gifted to do.  Even lately, my boss has been seeking my advice.  He has been asking me what I think and how he should approach certain human relations type situations with our business partners.  "You're good at that," he tells me.

Perhaps that is why I connect so deeply with Iyanla Vanzant.  She has an undeniable gift that transcends her admission of being "crazy."  Her humanity does not diminish it.  "How do you heal a broken heart?," she asked. "  You have to tell yourself the truth."  "How do you heal a broken heart?, she asked again.  "You have to forgive."  She was so dynamic as a featured speaker at Women's Empowerment.  No bells.  No whistles.  No pomp and circumstance.  No theme music.  No entourage.  Just a spiritual being shrouded in human flesh, hurt and personal struggle delivering a message of peace and liberation to a room filled with women. To all the reasons she had to feel otherwise, she declared, "I forgive you.  I don't want to but I'm willing."  What a gift!

Stay Open

I use to think that staying open meant tolerating something about someone.  It took a lot of psyching myself up.  "It'll get better," I'd tell myself.  I felt that if I was more tolerate, that made me a better person.  Perhaps not so arrogant.  Perhaps not so uppity.  It would mean I was laid back, easy going, the kind of woman that was more desirable. 

Staying open doesn't mean that at all.  No one should tolerate being regarded with less value than they have for themselves.  You shouldn't have to dim your light so that someone else can feel good about themselves.  Staying open does not require that.  Rather, it means making room for another person.  It means embracing someone for who they are.  It means welcoming someone new and different without dismissing them prematurely.   

"But he didn't open my car door," she complains.  "He is suppose to know that he's suppose to do that!"  So, because of this one thing, she discounts that he was patient while he waited for her to get ready, drove to the restaurant and paid for the meal.  It is good to have standards; but many of us confuse dating etiquette with character.  Just because a man is chivalrous doesn't mean it comes from a pure place.  Time reveals what's truly in a man's heart. 

Case and point.  A friend of mine was in a jewelry store with her boyfriend.  They came upon a man who was buying pieces of jewelry for his woman.  To an  onlooker, his intentions seemed loving and generous.  Imagine the surprise when my friend learned that his attitude was very self-serving.  He was more interested in buying what he liked and what he wanted her to have. 

Staying open means keeping your heart available.  So many people have allowed pain to shut their hearts down.  They want intimacy but fear it more.  It'll cause you to disqualify a good man because he doesn't live up to a Hollywood manufactured ideal.  An available heart puts more weigh on what's enduring.  A wise heart is careful yes.  Guarded and defensive, no.   
 

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A Relentless Teacher

Have you ever found yourself studying for a course and you need to pass it to graduate?  Like me, you have taken this course multiple times in your life, yet you haven't passed it.  Life enrolled me in this course when I suffered my first heartbreak.  My hopes were dashed and my trust eroded.  My life went on a downward spiral immediately.  I abandoned what I had been taught and rode wrecklessly off the road.  Needless to say, I got a big, fat F on that test.

Different people, different reasons, different times of life have brought this same course around again and again.  I've failed more than I've succeeded.  Whenever I was confronted with tests, I'd cry, complain, lament--I mean sackcloth-and-ashes--to God and whomever would listen about how I hated this and sang the "this person done me wrong" song in the key of E flat.  I can't tell you exactly when the shift happened...but... it... did.  Thank God that He's a relentless teacher and determined to give us Life and that more abundantly by any means necessary! 

Here I am, re-entering this class for the umpteenth time.  My teachers are many.  God is pulling out all the stops, I tell ya!  Every person I am in relationship with is a teacher.  Every man I've encountered while dating is a teacher.  Books that speak my language and secret closet illuminations from God are my tutors.  The lessons, the study sessions, the tests are all to teach me about my liberation.   

I've had a couple of wisdom, or as Oprah calls them "aha" moments:

Dating is not about romance.  What a revelation!  It isn't about getting wined and dined.  It isn't about getting someone to buy me flowers for Valentine's Day.  It isn't about sporting a man on my arm - finally - to the envy of all those around me.  It even isn't about getting the ring and living a charmed married life.  Dating is about creating an energy that says to the right man, "I'm here."  It's taking off my fluffy robe and putting the TV remote down, leaving the house and stepping out into the Light.  Light attracts. 

Another aha is a good man can have an unflattering moment.  He might not call 24-48 hours after you first meet.  He might say something nerdy.  He might wear the wrong shoes with his suit.  He can have a bad hair day.  He can go into fix-it mode when you need him to just listen.  Thanks to my relationship coach, I am not as inclined to fight; but fleeing is a little more of a challenge to overcome.  For instance, I went out with a man a week ago that called regularly for a while then stopped.  The first thing that went through my mind was "he's interested in someone else."  Now, this might be true.  But my point is that it may also be true that he had to fill in for his manager.  I choose to believe what he said.  "I'll stay open but proceed with caution," I told my coach. 

Rather than go immediately into fight-or-flight mode and unleash your dissatisfaction prematurely on a man, just be calm.  This is what my inner barometer is telling me.  Count to 10.  Count to 100.  Whatever.  He will reveal himself.  It might take some time, but He will reveal himself.  You don't have to get with your girlfriends and figure him out.  You don't have to go on a fast and ask God for revelation.  Just relax and know that whatever and whenever, I will be just fine.  I. Will. Be. Just. Fine.  Just calm those frightening thoughts and what if's and suppress the urges.  Who he is and what his motivation is will become clear.  First, it will be no reflection on me.  And second, I will be well able to handle it.  So chill. 

The last aha came during today's session with my relationship coach. I realized that what fuels my loving, gregarious, joyful expressiveness is the foundation created by solid relationships in my life.  If a person can be a spiritual gift, my family and friends are that for me.  Those solid souls whose shoulders I stand on.  They will not tolerate anyone, even me, mishandling myself.  Hence, my aha moment today.  Even in my dating and rebuilding my confidence, I cannot allow anything less from someone I am viewing as a potential life partner.  My authentic soul requires that I have that standard for myself.  Regardless to how handsome he is, how humorous he is, how much money he makes, how many gifts he buys me, how many times he takes me out to dinner, how much he goes to church, how "anointed" he is, how great a kisser he is, or how awesome he is in bed, if he's only interested in how I can best serve his purpose or some ego-driven need, he's not the one.  Nothing against him.  He just can't be my intimate partner. 

The lesson is no longer just words in a book.  The lesson is no longer about getting back up in the saddle.  It's no longer just ambition or a high achiever's need to be successful.  It's about my life.  It's about fulfillment.  It's about being free for real love.  It's about my joy being full and overflowing on all those around me.  In the words of Jesus, "And Peter, when though art converted, strengthen your brother."  My purpose is tied to it.

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