I'm not the same person I was when I started this new chapter in my life. I didn't realize it but now I feel I was quite arrogant and out of touch with how the work world works when I started. Without a doubt it was time for a change. I had maxed out on my job of almost 5 years and the one I thought was the silver bullet ended up being sooooo not what I expected. I was disappointed at first. The longer I wait - I don't have any other choice - I think I'm getting clearer.
The first thing I am getting clearer about was my arrogance. It wasn't the kind of arrogance that is a turn off, at least I hope not. Rather, it was thinking that your years in a particular field (twenty-two in mine) and that priming the same pump that got you hired before was going to work now. "I ain't worried, " I'd tell my friends who inquired about how my job hunting was going. "If something doesn't turn up, I'll just go back to working temp." Boy was I out of touch! The temp world isn't the same as it was just 5 years ago. It is true that you have to take various tests to prove your computer software knowledge and how fast you can type. That's typical. What took me for a loop though is registering on various personnel websites and applying for job after job posted on them and not getting a call back. That didn't happen to me before. In fact, that has NEVER happened to me.
I knew in my mind that leaving my job to pursue something more meaningful wouldn't be a cake walk. But when I got approached by a local nonprofit in Durham so quickly, I was bout ready to get my testimony ready and get my praise on with all the parishioners in awe of how God worked in my behalf. What I forgot is that God seldom if ever has worked things out the way I've envisioned so why would this be any different...lol.
After taking a more proactive posture and calling my top three personnel agencies in the city, I felt better. At least, I created a stir a thought. I was upbeat and told them I was ready to work. I could begin immediately. I thought they'd be impressed, but only one of the three was.
Using the same resume and the same approach to job hunting, I now have an experiential knowledge that job hunting has changed. Or maybe it's the reality that we are in tough economic times. Jobs are scarce. People are looking for work. Hence, you've got more folks to compete with. The old tools ways may need to be updated a bit. This was my second moment of clarity. I had to retool. Removing wordiness, making it more concise and making it more attractive were necessary else I'd keep peddling a 3-page resume. I was listening to some job advice that suggested adding color. I had not considered that. That tells you how antiquated my hiring skills are.
Even my cover letters had to get an overhaul. While doing online job searches, I caught a glimpse of a cover letter that I tried to reproduce. It highlighted your skills right off the bat. And it advised that you not point out what skills are related to the position. A hiring manager will get that from your resume or application. Rather, it suggests telling your prospective employer what you can do for the company. Aha! Aha! (talking like the Jewish man in the barber shop scenes of the Eddie Murphy movie, Coming to America). It gives the employer what he or she is looking for: what you got and how will it help us.
Well, it's been two months. I can hardly believe it. I do have good news though. I have an interview tomorrow!!!! You don't understand, after two months of filling out applications with the only people hollering at a sistah being folks trying to get me to sell something or other, I finally will have a bonafide interview. It's with Accountemps. I really wanted to avoid it but hey, you gotta go with the flow. This was the personnel agency that found me my last job so I am hopeful. It is true that I don't see anything in the Raleigh area - yet - I need this. It makes me feel that I'm progressing. Somebody wants to interview me, ya know? I tell you what, I'm not arrogant any more. Tonight really brought a rude awakening. You see, I had to complete some "prove it" exercises for bookkeeping, data entry, Excel and Quickbooks. I don't think I did very well on any of em. Dang! When you use accounting software, it's easy to become proficient in using the software and not understand the accounting principles behind it. I think that's what happened to me.
Oh well. One things for sure. I'm starting to eat a bit of humble pie. I'm no longer the queen bee who thinks her years of experience and her ability to write stellar cover letters is enough. Yes, I want to do fulfilling work. Yes I do. It's funny that I'm saying that when I'm actually doing fulfilling work. I was reminded just the other day that I am. One of my purpose-driven goals was to expand my readership. "I wanna have my articles and blogs all over the worldwide web," I told a friend of mine. "This way, I can reach out to more people than I could ever do with a hard copy book." This is true. Somebody in India could be reading one of my articles right now....wait a minute, what time is it in India? Okay, maybe they can't sleep and they are surfing the web. It could happen...lol.
Another one of my dreams was to use my life coaching skills in a more traditional way. Sure, I've had piano students which is a form of coaching, but it isn't the "coaching" that I've envisioned. Now that I'm a professional mentor coach on StudentMentor.org, I have the privilege of being a resource and a coach to college students. I'm not getting paid for it, but I am getting something that's just as meaningful - EXPERIENCE. I am getting the chance to use reflective listening, encouragement, creative problem solving, networking with old colleagues of mine to help these students. I have about 5 or 6 so far who have asked me to be their mentor or accepted my offer. I am doing purposeful work.
So, what I need now is income. As long as I have a job or work that will allow me to share my voice in writing and as a coach or simply as an encourager in my day-to-day when I give a smile, a listen or an encouraging word, there's purpose to it. I am doing what gives my life meaning.
Well, it's time to go to bed. Latta!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Still Standing
When you are standing in your authentic light, you attract all that you need to support you. I truly believe that. It resonates in my spirit. In practice however, you have to disconnect from what you left and focus on where you're going. That's no easy task. When I first jumped into the water, it felt liberating. I was splashing happily around and full of hope. But after you've been in that water for longer than you anticipated, it takes more effort to stay afloat.
Part of the difficulty is seeing jobs that peak my interest or resonate with me and finding out they require a Master's Degree or some skill set that I don't have. Then the difficulty is magnified when I don't even get calls for the positions that I actually have the qualifications for. That's a blow. The only folks knocking my door down are sales--not to buy a product or service but to sell it. I wish I could impress you with some great insights or some unwavering resolve, but to be honest, I am feeling shaky.
Out of that shakiness or just a need to be acknowledged, I accepted three interviews for sales jobs. I tried to justify it and tell myself that the right sales job might be a good fit. You liked doing sales renewals at your last job, I told myself. Hogwash! I knew better. These weren't those types of jobs and I knew it. My ego just needed some stroking. It felt good having something to look forward to. So, I let it stay on my calendar so I wouldn't feel like nobody wanted me.
Today, however, I had to pull the cord. Well, yesterday actually. I emailed the Human Resource folks and the Regional Manager and told them I wasn't interested. It was soooo hard. It was hard to cut that potential job cord and let it float away. I had expected to be gainfully employed by now, dag nabbit! Here I was telling the Regional Manager for EPM-Trugreen that I didn't want to sell. Gurlfriend, you ain't got no job!
I have no problem with Sales professionals. I've met some with really big hearts and sincere motives. But it's that pressure to sell that I don't like. When your hourly pay rate is so low, you got to compensate for it with commissions. It takes me back to a time when I was a Mary Kay consultant on the fast track to both directorship and the candy apple red Grand Am. It wasn't that I needed the job or the car, it was the adrenalin rush. Besides, I was being lauded a success story, a natural. And they were right as long as there was no pressure. When I first became a consultant, I did it to get my products wholesale. I didn't even remotely want to make it a career. Until, that is, folks started signing up. Within about a month, I became a team leader and got a big fat commission check for over $1000.
At that point, I shifted from simply being happy and wearing the product to going for the goal. I was under pressure to get 3 more people cuz the clock was ticking. This is when it got hard. I made some sells but nobody wanted to become a consultant so I started making a list of my friends. I called them one by one to tell them about the Mary Kay opportunity. With every phone call I made, I started feeling more and more like a fraud. I was starting to objectify my friends, so not the person I wanted to be. Alarmed and disappointed in myself, I stopped and discontiued being a consultant.
Life is now sending me some whispers. They aren't cautionary whispers telling me something ain't right but whispers to observe what's happening around me. Something I'm doing is on the right track. You know how I know? While surfing the web, I came upon StudentMentor.com. It is comprised of students and professionals who mentor them. I registered and am now a professonal mentor coach to college students across the nation. I'm not getting a paycheck as such but I am getting valuable experience and the opportunity to do what resonates with me. While looking for jobs to apply for, I saw a job to write for Hubpages. They actually pay you to write. I don't know if it's like Associated Content, but it's still another means of expanding my readership. I'm almost done with being qualified to volunteer at WakeMed. I'll also be going to an interest meeting for Camp Leaders for The Encouraging Place, a nonprofit that ministers to women regardless of socioeconomic status or issues. They are planning their annual Women's Summer Camp. I'm surrounded by whispers.
Granted, I've been off work for two months now and I've had to use up my savings. I didn't want to do that but at least I had a savings to use. Perhaps that is what I need to focus on--the provision. When I think about it all, I am filled with awe. I am not destitute or desperate. My bills are paid and I have enough money to go for another month if I have to. In the meantime, I am attracting meaningful work. My highest self is not being held hostage. I am free. I am breathing free air and I am making a difference in peoples' lives. It's not measured in money. It's measured in fulfillment.
So tonight I celebrate. I celebrate my now. It's true! It's true! When you stand in your authentic light, you do attract all you need to support you. It's not necessarily going to be a cake walk--it seldom is--and, at least for me, God never shows up the way I expect Him to. I think he's doing something over here and I'll be darned if He doesn't show up over there...lol.
Part of the difficulty is seeing jobs that peak my interest or resonate with me and finding out they require a Master's Degree or some skill set that I don't have. Then the difficulty is magnified when I don't even get calls for the positions that I actually have the qualifications for. That's a blow. The only folks knocking my door down are sales--not to buy a product or service but to sell it. I wish I could impress you with some great insights or some unwavering resolve, but to be honest, I am feeling shaky.
Out of that shakiness or just a need to be acknowledged, I accepted three interviews for sales jobs. I tried to justify it and tell myself that the right sales job might be a good fit. You liked doing sales renewals at your last job, I told myself. Hogwash! I knew better. These weren't those types of jobs and I knew it. My ego just needed some stroking. It felt good having something to look forward to. So, I let it stay on my calendar so I wouldn't feel like nobody wanted me.
Today, however, I had to pull the cord. Well, yesterday actually. I emailed the Human Resource folks and the Regional Manager and told them I wasn't interested. It was soooo hard. It was hard to cut that potential job cord and let it float away. I had expected to be gainfully employed by now, dag nabbit! Here I was telling the Regional Manager for EPM-Trugreen that I didn't want to sell. Gurlfriend, you ain't got no job!
I have no problem with Sales professionals. I've met some with really big hearts and sincere motives. But it's that pressure to sell that I don't like. When your hourly pay rate is so low, you got to compensate for it with commissions. It takes me back to a time when I was a Mary Kay consultant on the fast track to both directorship and the candy apple red Grand Am. It wasn't that I needed the job or the car, it was the adrenalin rush. Besides, I was being lauded a success story, a natural. And they were right as long as there was no pressure. When I first became a consultant, I did it to get my products wholesale. I didn't even remotely want to make it a career. Until, that is, folks started signing up. Within about a month, I became a team leader and got a big fat commission check for over $1000.
At that point, I shifted from simply being happy and wearing the product to going for the goal. I was under pressure to get 3 more people cuz the clock was ticking. This is when it got hard. I made some sells but nobody wanted to become a consultant so I started making a list of my friends. I called them one by one to tell them about the Mary Kay opportunity. With every phone call I made, I started feeling more and more like a fraud. I was starting to objectify my friends, so not the person I wanted to be. Alarmed and disappointed in myself, I stopped and discontiued being a consultant.
Life is now sending me some whispers. They aren't cautionary whispers telling me something ain't right but whispers to observe what's happening around me. Something I'm doing is on the right track. You know how I know? While surfing the web, I came upon StudentMentor.com. It is comprised of students and professionals who mentor them. I registered and am now a professonal mentor coach to college students across the nation. I'm not getting a paycheck as such but I am getting valuable experience and the opportunity to do what resonates with me. While looking for jobs to apply for, I saw a job to write for Hubpages. They actually pay you to write. I don't know if it's like Associated Content, but it's still another means of expanding my readership. I'm almost done with being qualified to volunteer at WakeMed. I'll also be going to an interest meeting for Camp Leaders for The Encouraging Place, a nonprofit that ministers to women regardless of socioeconomic status or issues. They are planning their annual Women's Summer Camp. I'm surrounded by whispers.
Granted, I've been off work for two months now and I've had to use up my savings. I didn't want to do that but at least I had a savings to use. Perhaps that is what I need to focus on--the provision. When I think about it all, I am filled with awe. I am not destitute or desperate. My bills are paid and I have enough money to go for another month if I have to. In the meantime, I am attracting meaningful work. My highest self is not being held hostage. I am free. I am breathing free air and I am making a difference in peoples' lives. It's not measured in money. It's measured in fulfillment.
So tonight I celebrate. I celebrate my now. It's true! It's true! When you stand in your authentic light, you do attract all you need to support you. It's not necessarily going to be a cake walk--it seldom is--and, at least for me, God never shows up the way I expect Him to. I think he's doing something over here and I'll be darned if He doesn't show up over there...lol.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: Don't Chase Provision, Stand in Your Purpose and P...
50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: Don't Chase Provision, Stand in Your Purpose and P...: "Don't spend your life chasing provision. Stand in your purpose and provision will chase you," says Bishop Jakes while illustrating his poi...
Don't Chase Provision, Stand in Your Purpose and Provision Will Chase You
"Don't spend your life chasing provision. Stand in your purpose and provision will chase you," says Bishop Jakes while illustrating his point holding a $10 bill in front as if chasing it and then behind as if it was chasing him. I forgot that, I thought to myself.
I had scheduled two interviews for Sales jobs. To be honest, they weren't what I wanted. I was consenting simply because these folks had contacted me. Why, as Southern girls, do we feel we have to oblige just because someone asks?! Why can't we allow the deeper truth that resides inside of us to have the louder voice? I'm sorry; I digress. Nevertheless, I had to do what any red-blooded freed woman would do? I canceled those interviews. Yes I did. I shared with my boyfriend why. "I'm not courageous," I said to him. "I'm really not." I often say aloud when I'm praying about the here-here's I've received, "I'm not running for office." I'm doing what I'm doing because I have to. If I don't believe what I say in my blogs, articles and the like, then I have nothing.
I have often said, changing your mind is the easy part. It's the transition that's hard. It's hard to leave the familiar for something that you've never seen or experienced. It's hard when you thought you had found the right job only to discover it's not. What a blow! It's hard when your stand is costing you your savings. It's hard! Now let me clarify something. I'm not grappling with my decision. I know it was right. It's the struggle between where you are and where you are going and the time it's taking you to get there. It's the silence. Then it's the see-nothingness. You struggle with impatience. You come to a dark place where everything is exaggerated or you can't see at all. You start to feel isolated as people around you go about their normalcy and you aren't normal anymore. Everybody can't go with you in the delivery room. Everybody can't handle you when you are birthing something greater than yourself.
Today was difficult. The scripture that came to my mind was "but you have need of patience that after you have done the will of the Lord you might receive the promise." I'm not going to say that God spoke that to me. Time will tell. But what it did do was stop my mind from drifting into dangerous albeit familiar territory. You know, those thoughts that make you suffer. I had enough of that, lemme tell you. Struggling with whether to leave my employment or stay when I knew it was over was torment, absolute torment. I was afraid to leave and afraid to stay. No more suffering!
Bishop Jakes says, "don't give your strength to something that doesn't even matter." It's like this, I can't afford to waste these precious moments. It's not that I've gotten a prognosis and am preparing to die in the near future. It's the fact that at age 52 my mortality is becoming more palpable. I need to be effective. It's like riding a stationery bike. You might pedal oh so fast, but you still ain't gonna move from that spot. Just as I stopped accepting temporary or seasonal men in my life, I have pulled the plug on pimping myself out for a paycheck.
I'm not Oprah. I'm not TD Jakes. I'm not Iyanla. Though the afore-mentioned people excite the very core of my being, I don't lust for what they have or envy them their life path. They aren't my escape. They are simply my God-given encouragers. They rouse the gift that rescued me and that sustains me. I experienced God outside the box. That gift has created a supportive network of warm, affirming friends that I can be myself with. That gift opened my heart and mind to welcome a fulfilling love relationship. Though the chatter around me was to the contrary: there are no good men, there is a 10:1 ratio of women to men, men don't like a woman who are so self-directed, Cinderella is a fairy tale and there is no Handsome Prince, you're going to be a statistic and other familiar beliefs, my truest self objected. "I can't go out like that," it argued. "I'm not suppose to be alone. I can't accept anything less than a genuine, love relationship. Not anymore." My world is the manifestation of that truth. I had nothing else to go on but what resounded inside of me. Why should my employment--where I spend most of my time--be any different?
So how does that look? What is my vision of it? Some clues lie in when I took Career Development courses at Glaxo Inc., one of which was "How To Deal With Difficult People." It was learning those interpersonal skills and the atmosphere of sharing that I felt most alive. There was another time when my ex-husband and I had to go to parenting class. It was required by the mediator in hopes of avoiding a nasty custody battle. I was surprised that I thoroughly enjoyed it. More than the affirmations, I saw myself doing what the facilitator was doing. Perhaps, looking for employment in Career Development, Training and Development or Employee Relations is where I should focus. I saw a position at an area college for a Career Advisor. I applied today. That was the first position I applied for that felt like I was in on the right path.
Group facilitation has a teaching and coaching component that I have enjoyed. I enjoyed that aspect of substance abuse counseling. What was antagonistic was working with an addicted population. I felt like a fraud. I had never been addicted to a substance so all I was regurgitating was book knowledge. I was challenged but there were souls that were impacted by me. Part of attraction to life coaching was it made room for me. It felt like home. I could lend my skills as a counselor to seekers. Whether it was building a business or building a life, I'd work with individuals or groups that were seeking something greater. It is true that people need to feel seen, heard and that they matter. Too, there is a next step. Transformation.
Life has taught me that just feeling understood isn't enough to bring lasting change. It's not enough to get you from your here to your there. One has to figure out their next steps. How can this be useful to move me in my day-to-day? That's the beauty of life coaching. And please know, I'm not trying to make a shameless plug. I truly have progressed because I myself have sought life coaches and/or therapists. Knowledge is illumination but wisdom is how to apply it. I believe that my thirst for knowledge and for wisdom in solving my own internal dilemmas has birthed me into purpose. The proof is not just within me but there is now fruit that others can see and taste of. Athough I have been hired as a secretary or a bookkeeper, it has been those moments where I've been able to share my fruit that I have felt most alive. One such moment was with my ex-employer. He told me that I had insights into people. "What was your perception of him," he would ask. "What did you sense?" I need to find employment where this insightfulness is at work, not something called on occasionally.
I had scheduled two interviews for Sales jobs. To be honest, they weren't what I wanted. I was consenting simply because these folks had contacted me. Why, as Southern girls, do we feel we have to oblige just because someone asks?! Why can't we allow the deeper truth that resides inside of us to have the louder voice? I'm sorry; I digress. Nevertheless, I had to do what any red-blooded freed woman would do? I canceled those interviews. Yes I did. I shared with my boyfriend why. "I'm not courageous," I said to him. "I'm really not." I often say aloud when I'm praying about the here-here's I've received, "I'm not running for office." I'm doing what I'm doing because I have to. If I don't believe what I say in my blogs, articles and the like, then I have nothing.
I have often said, changing your mind is the easy part. It's the transition that's hard. It's hard to leave the familiar for something that you've never seen or experienced. It's hard when you thought you had found the right job only to discover it's not. What a blow! It's hard when your stand is costing you your savings. It's hard! Now let me clarify something. I'm not grappling with my decision. I know it was right. It's the struggle between where you are and where you are going and the time it's taking you to get there. It's the silence. Then it's the see-nothingness. You struggle with impatience. You come to a dark place where everything is exaggerated or you can't see at all. You start to feel isolated as people around you go about their normalcy and you aren't normal anymore. Everybody can't go with you in the delivery room. Everybody can't handle you when you are birthing something greater than yourself.
Today was difficult. The scripture that came to my mind was "but you have need of patience that after you have done the will of the Lord you might receive the promise." I'm not going to say that God spoke that to me. Time will tell. But what it did do was stop my mind from drifting into dangerous albeit familiar territory. You know, those thoughts that make you suffer. I had enough of that, lemme tell you. Struggling with whether to leave my employment or stay when I knew it was over was torment, absolute torment. I was afraid to leave and afraid to stay. No more suffering!
Bishop Jakes says, "don't give your strength to something that doesn't even matter." It's like this, I can't afford to waste these precious moments. It's not that I've gotten a prognosis and am preparing to die in the near future. It's the fact that at age 52 my mortality is becoming more palpable. I need to be effective. It's like riding a stationery bike. You might pedal oh so fast, but you still ain't gonna move from that spot. Just as I stopped accepting temporary or seasonal men in my life, I have pulled the plug on pimping myself out for a paycheck.
I'm not Oprah. I'm not TD Jakes. I'm not Iyanla. Though the afore-mentioned people excite the very core of my being, I don't lust for what they have or envy them their life path. They aren't my escape. They are simply my God-given encouragers. They rouse the gift that rescued me and that sustains me. I experienced God outside the box. That gift has created a supportive network of warm, affirming friends that I can be myself with. That gift opened my heart and mind to welcome a fulfilling love relationship. Though the chatter around me was to the contrary: there are no good men, there is a 10:1 ratio of women to men, men don't like a woman who are so self-directed, Cinderella is a fairy tale and there is no Handsome Prince, you're going to be a statistic and other familiar beliefs, my truest self objected. "I can't go out like that," it argued. "I'm not suppose to be alone. I can't accept anything less than a genuine, love relationship. Not anymore." My world is the manifestation of that truth. I had nothing else to go on but what resounded inside of me. Why should my employment--where I spend most of my time--be any different?
So how does that look? What is my vision of it? Some clues lie in when I took Career Development courses at Glaxo Inc., one of which was "How To Deal With Difficult People." It was learning those interpersonal skills and the atmosphere of sharing that I felt most alive. There was another time when my ex-husband and I had to go to parenting class. It was required by the mediator in hopes of avoiding a nasty custody battle. I was surprised that I thoroughly enjoyed it. More than the affirmations, I saw myself doing what the facilitator was doing. Perhaps, looking for employment in Career Development, Training and Development or Employee Relations is where I should focus. I saw a position at an area college for a Career Advisor. I applied today. That was the first position I applied for that felt like I was in on the right path.
Group facilitation has a teaching and coaching component that I have enjoyed. I enjoyed that aspect of substance abuse counseling. What was antagonistic was working with an addicted population. I felt like a fraud. I had never been addicted to a substance so all I was regurgitating was book knowledge. I was challenged but there were souls that were impacted by me. Part of attraction to life coaching was it made room for me. It felt like home. I could lend my skills as a counselor to seekers. Whether it was building a business or building a life, I'd work with individuals or groups that were seeking something greater. It is true that people need to feel seen, heard and that they matter. Too, there is a next step. Transformation.
Life has taught me that just feeling understood isn't enough to bring lasting change. It's not enough to get you from your here to your there. One has to figure out their next steps. How can this be useful to move me in my day-to-day? That's the beauty of life coaching. And please know, I'm not trying to make a shameless plug. I truly have progressed because I myself have sought life coaches and/or therapists. Knowledge is illumination but wisdom is how to apply it. I believe that my thirst for knowledge and for wisdom in solving my own internal dilemmas has birthed me into purpose. The proof is not just within me but there is now fruit that others can see and taste of. Athough I have been hired as a secretary or a bookkeeper, it has been those moments where I've been able to share my fruit that I have felt most alive. One such moment was with my ex-employer. He told me that I had insights into people. "What was your perception of him," he would ask. "What did you sense?" I need to find employment where this insightfulness is at work, not something called on occasionally.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Thoughts After Oprah's Life Class With T.D. Jakes
I'm no longer trying to figure out what my purpose is. I spent so many years not knowing because I would showcase a talent and folks around me would tell me that was what I was purposed for. "Your purpose is to be a great Praise and Worship Leader," I was told. "Your purpose is to record [an album] with your sisters," was said by many. Without a doubt, I was effective as a worship leader. Others were blessed and I was too. I was effective as a choir director. Others were blessed and I was too. I wholeheartedly enjoyed singing with my sisters. Others were blessed and I was too. To say that there was no purpose would be devaluing of the God who gave me the ability to move people through my music.
Those were great times but my purpose was not limited to that. My song is still being sung. It might not be as entertaining but it still stirs the soul. It's just to a larger, more diverse audience now. It's my heartsong. What is a heartsong? Mattie Stepanek, author, peacemaker and a child with wisdom beyond his years, described a heartsong as "a person's special gift to be shared with others...a person's reason for being." Put simply, it is indeed the song that's in your heart. It is the truest expression of who you are sung for everyone to hear. Oprah shared her heartsong. "I know what it feels like to grow up without hugs," she shared with a aunt-turned-mother struggling with hugging her nephew. She resented the cost of this new role and was taking it out on him. "That's why I hug everybody," Oprah said, encouraging the mother to behave her way to success. "It didn't feel natural for me but I did it anyway. Now, I'm a great hugger." There is a higher purpose to be served. It's her gift out of a heart of compassion to those who might not experience it elsewhere.
I think about my time as a parent. It's time for another painfully honest confession. Until I gave birth to my son, my love was never unconditional. I didn't know what it meant to love unconditionally to be honest with you. Every other love was contingent. Even my marital vows were contingent on whether my husband upheld his part of the agreement else I wouldn't have divorced him. When my son was born, I felt a deeper meaning to my life that I had never felt before. I knew in that moment that I would do all within my power to protect him and nurture the innocent soul looking dolefully up at me.
My heartsong was for him to grow up feeling loved and supported. I never wanted him to feel the pain of isolation that I did as a child. This was the impetus to wrestle down my own demons and the familiar so I could provide that to him. It was harrrrrddddd! It was up and down, in and out, riddled with obstacles but we worked to maintain our connection through it all. It was a cooperative effort. This was one of many opportunities where purpose took center stage. I'd have to forego my own selfishness, my need to control, my own anger distortions, putting my heartsong that he would grow up to be a healthy individual above my own ideals, rules and experience. Some things I would not budge on but others I had to in order to make room for him to grow into his own person.
Bishop Jakes talked about passion and purpose being intertwined. He added however that it is our pain that gives us the motivation or thrust to look for something more. To look for a way out, a way through. Like a pulled bow, the greater the pain, the greater the extension of the pull and the further the arrow can be launched. My heartsong is born out of my pain. Like Mattie who struggled with a rare debilitating disease with respiratory difficulties and being confined to a wheelchair, we seek for meaning. We look to someone or something greater from within or without for perspective, for help, for purpose.
There had to be something more to God, to love, to my existence cause none of it seemed to be working for me. My faith was under seige. My worth was dwindling. It was out of that pain that I disrobed of everything and started my own spiritual journey. God was with me all the way, holding up a mirror. Who are you? What do you really, really, REALLY think? These were questions I had about myself and about my God. He held up a mirror and things were blurred by all the pain I was in. But as I hung out with Him, the more I started making things out. I expected to see an Image that was different. Instead, I saw His face in my reflection. He was right there! I learned that honoring my authentic soul was honoring Him. The more permission I gave myself to live my life on my terms, the more joy I felt in Him. Like Dorothy who kept telling everybody in Oz that she wanted to go home, I had the ruby slippers on all the time and could have gone home at any time. I just didn't know it. Pain led me into a greater understanding and appreciation that what I sought was already inside of me waiting to be discovered.
Thus, my purpose was birthed. So many people have been taught to fear their own voice. Either they've been shamed, rejected or retailiated against in some way for it. My purpose is not the norm, I suppose. Especially in the churchworld that I grew up in. People are taught to deny their own voice to adopt another one. If it were God's voice, I'd be cheering; but sadly, they abandon themselves for is the voice of their leader, the voice of their church doctrine, the voice of the larger religious organism. I've had to leave some people and some places behind as a result. Bishop Jakes said that sometimes we tolerate spaces that are too small for who we are. We have to move to a new space and get around affirming people. That takes courage, unwavering resolve and whole lot of passion to overcome the pull of what we left behind and create a new normal.
My family is filled with examples of people who didn't reach their fullest potential. My dad fell short of reaching his full potential. He laid in bed, dying, trying to convince us to start a family janitorial business. He wrestled with feeling like he had not provided enough for mom to live without him. My cousin Marvin fell short of reaching his full potential, finding his end on the floor of his home after having a fatal seizure due to alcohol poisoning. My cousin Jenny fell short having contracted HIV and full blown AIDS from dirty needles used to support her addiction. My cousin Lawrence had a massive heart attack when he finally started taking his health seriously. Sure, for my dad and for Lawrence there were accolades. Folks applauded their humanitarian efforts and the lives they touched. But they died with dreams unfulfilled, regrets. I can't go out like that. I just can't.
So I stand. I stand for all of those in past generations whose dreams were unfulfilled. I stand for my son, my nephews and my neices so they won't live humdrum lives or waste their time on meaningless busyness. I stand in the Image of God that is larger, broader and greater than any other image. I'm not arrogant. I'm not confrontational. I'm just determined. I want to be one of those who wake up every morning excited about their day. I want to be one of those who experience joy in their work. I want every part of my life to be authentically true. I want to be one of those who is a walking poster of fulfillment, joy and health. Like the Target Stores commercial where colorful people jump out of a hot air balloon and liven up every dull space with color, design and vibrance, I want to bring Life to every place, every space.
I don't want to spend 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, doing a job. I want to do meaningful work. Work that makes room for me. Work that offers a purposeful space. I invite sovereign intervention. I need grace to start my own business or to recognize a like-minded employer. Just give me a thought, a name, an impulse, an inkling and I'll jump on it. Some say that I'm courageous. I'm not. At 52 years and counting, I just cannot afford to waste my time here on meaninglessness. Life is too short. I owe it to myself and the God who wired me to use this time while I have my health and strength. So I throw myself on the mercy of something Wiser, something Greater. I call upon the Wise Counselor, the Master Builder, Jehovah-Jireh, my Creator and the Love Of My Life. He's my God.
Those were great times but my purpose was not limited to that. My song is still being sung. It might not be as entertaining but it still stirs the soul. It's just to a larger, more diverse audience now. It's my heartsong. What is a heartsong? Mattie Stepanek, author, peacemaker and a child with wisdom beyond his years, described a heartsong as "a person's special gift to be shared with others...a person's reason for being." Put simply, it is indeed the song that's in your heart. It is the truest expression of who you are sung for everyone to hear. Oprah shared her heartsong. "I know what it feels like to grow up without hugs," she shared with a aunt-turned-mother struggling with hugging her nephew. She resented the cost of this new role and was taking it out on him. "That's why I hug everybody," Oprah said, encouraging the mother to behave her way to success. "It didn't feel natural for me but I did it anyway. Now, I'm a great hugger." There is a higher purpose to be served. It's her gift out of a heart of compassion to those who might not experience it elsewhere.
I think about my time as a parent. It's time for another painfully honest confession. Until I gave birth to my son, my love was never unconditional. I didn't know what it meant to love unconditionally to be honest with you. Every other love was contingent. Even my marital vows were contingent on whether my husband upheld his part of the agreement else I wouldn't have divorced him. When my son was born, I felt a deeper meaning to my life that I had never felt before. I knew in that moment that I would do all within my power to protect him and nurture the innocent soul looking dolefully up at me.
My heartsong was for him to grow up feeling loved and supported. I never wanted him to feel the pain of isolation that I did as a child. This was the impetus to wrestle down my own demons and the familiar so I could provide that to him. It was harrrrrddddd! It was up and down, in and out, riddled with obstacles but we worked to maintain our connection through it all. It was a cooperative effort. This was one of many opportunities where purpose took center stage. I'd have to forego my own selfishness, my need to control, my own anger distortions, putting my heartsong that he would grow up to be a healthy individual above my own ideals, rules and experience. Some things I would not budge on but others I had to in order to make room for him to grow into his own person.
Bishop Jakes talked about passion and purpose being intertwined. He added however that it is our pain that gives us the motivation or thrust to look for something more. To look for a way out, a way through. Like a pulled bow, the greater the pain, the greater the extension of the pull and the further the arrow can be launched. My heartsong is born out of my pain. Like Mattie who struggled with a rare debilitating disease with respiratory difficulties and being confined to a wheelchair, we seek for meaning. We look to someone or something greater from within or without for perspective, for help, for purpose.
There had to be something more to God, to love, to my existence cause none of it seemed to be working for me. My faith was under seige. My worth was dwindling. It was out of that pain that I disrobed of everything and started my own spiritual journey. God was with me all the way, holding up a mirror. Who are you? What do you really, really, REALLY think? These were questions I had about myself and about my God. He held up a mirror and things were blurred by all the pain I was in. But as I hung out with Him, the more I started making things out. I expected to see an Image that was different. Instead, I saw His face in my reflection. He was right there! I learned that honoring my authentic soul was honoring Him. The more permission I gave myself to live my life on my terms, the more joy I felt in Him. Like Dorothy who kept telling everybody in Oz that she wanted to go home, I had the ruby slippers on all the time and could have gone home at any time. I just didn't know it. Pain led me into a greater understanding and appreciation that what I sought was already inside of me waiting to be discovered.
Thus, my purpose was birthed. So many people have been taught to fear their own voice. Either they've been shamed, rejected or retailiated against in some way for it. My purpose is not the norm, I suppose. Especially in the churchworld that I grew up in. People are taught to deny their own voice to adopt another one. If it were God's voice, I'd be cheering; but sadly, they abandon themselves for is the voice of their leader, the voice of their church doctrine, the voice of the larger religious organism. I've had to leave some people and some places behind as a result. Bishop Jakes said that sometimes we tolerate spaces that are too small for who we are. We have to move to a new space and get around affirming people. That takes courage, unwavering resolve and whole lot of passion to overcome the pull of what we left behind and create a new normal.
My family is filled with examples of people who didn't reach their fullest potential. My dad fell short of reaching his full potential. He laid in bed, dying, trying to convince us to start a family janitorial business. He wrestled with feeling like he had not provided enough for mom to live without him. My cousin Marvin fell short of reaching his full potential, finding his end on the floor of his home after having a fatal seizure due to alcohol poisoning. My cousin Jenny fell short having contracted HIV and full blown AIDS from dirty needles used to support her addiction. My cousin Lawrence had a massive heart attack when he finally started taking his health seriously. Sure, for my dad and for Lawrence there were accolades. Folks applauded their humanitarian efforts and the lives they touched. But they died with dreams unfulfilled, regrets. I can't go out like that. I just can't.
So I stand. I stand for all of those in past generations whose dreams were unfulfilled. I stand for my son, my nephews and my neices so they won't live humdrum lives or waste their time on meaningless busyness. I stand in the Image of God that is larger, broader and greater than any other image. I'm not arrogant. I'm not confrontational. I'm just determined. I want to be one of those who wake up every morning excited about their day. I want to be one of those who experience joy in their work. I want every part of my life to be authentically true. I want to be one of those who is a walking poster of fulfillment, joy and health. Like the Target Stores commercial where colorful people jump out of a hot air balloon and liven up every dull space with color, design and vibrance, I want to bring Life to every place, every space.
I don't want to spend 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, doing a job. I want to do meaningful work. Work that makes room for me. Work that offers a purposeful space. I invite sovereign intervention. I need grace to start my own business or to recognize a like-minded employer. Just give me a thought, a name, an impulse, an inkling and I'll jump on it. Some say that I'm courageous. I'm not. At 52 years and counting, I just cannot afford to waste my time here on meaninglessness. Life is too short. I owe it to myself and the God who wired me to use this time while I have my health and strength. So I throw myself on the mercy of something Wiser, something Greater. I call upon the Wise Counselor, the Master Builder, Jehovah-Jireh, my Creator and the Love Of My Life. He's my God.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Taking Care of the One Who Once Took Care of Me
Who would have known that days following my declaration of a new chapter in my life, purposeful living would involve my mother. These few weeks since my last blog post have been very enlightening to say the least. You see, my mom has been a caregiver to her husband for the last eight-something years. Like most folks who aren't a part of the day-to-day struggle, I grossly underestimated the toll this was taking on my mom. A weekend visit, coming home for the holidays or taking a day off work for this or that was the jist of my involvement--with an occasional call to see how she was doing or to tell her she needed to take care of herself.
I'm not proud to admit that those were just necessary platitudes, but I really didn't want to involve myself any more than that. I justified it by lamenting that there was nothing I could do. Truthfully, if I were to be really really honest, I felt put-upon by my mom's decision to marry this man. He wasn't my father so I owed him nothing. And as long as she chose to stay with him, there was little that anyone could do. This was plausible, but Truth looks for what's real. And what's real is I resented him for not being forthcoming with my mom about his condition and I resented her for being so quick to marry him and thereby putting us all (her family) in this impossible position of watching her suffer without being able to do a dang thing about it.
It wasn't until I came home to accompany her to the doctor that I got a rude awakening to just how severe her situation was. She had had eye surgery and just as I was about to pack up and leave from doing my daughterly duty, I asked her if she had anyone to stay with her. She said "no." It was at that moment, that I saw how vulnerable she was. She had masked it pretty well before this, saying she was doing fine during our weekly telephone chit-chats. But this time, there was no "fine" in her eyes. All I could see was a plea. "Suzette, please don't leave me," was the cry of her countenance.
I took off my coat and told her I'd stay. I stayed and allowed my once eyes wide-shut to remain open. Love insisted on compassion instead of judgment. I watched her with fresh eyes. I watched her nonstop caregiving from putting a towel around her husband's neck to make sure that food wouldn't end up all over his clothes when he attempted to feed himself. I saw her attentiveness to his needs both spoken and anticipated only to be constantly called for no reason. I saw her coach him to do even the smallest things as one would a child being potty trained or learning to tie his shoes or dressing himself for the first time. I saw the tired stare in her eye and the unsteadiness of her gait from not getting any sleep because her husband was up and down throughout the night. I saw her fatigue when the health care tech failed to show up and she had to get him dressed unexpectedly before going to her own doctor appointment. I saw her resolve, without regard for her own frailness, to brace him so he wouldn't fall down. I watched as she and her sister went through their normal routine of putting on coats and hats to assist the driver in loading him into the transportation vehicle so he could go to adult day care. Even as we sat in the waiting room at the doctor's, her mind was whirring with if she did this or if she had forgotten to do that. We even stepped out of the waiting room so she could call her sister so she could make sure.
My insides wept. When I got my mom home, I asked her to stop and rest. In fact, I told her I wasn't leaving until I had her safely tucked in. "Ma," I said. "You won't be able to rest if you sleep in your room. It has all that hospital stuff in there. Sleep in the guest bedroom." She agreeably laid on the bed and I pulled the covers up over her. Her trust was so childlike in that moment. I kissed her on the forehead fighting back tears and did one final check of things before leaving to drive back to Raleigh. She had unknowingly left the stove top burner on low. She has a gas stove. This was the moment when reality hit me right between the eyes. Had I not been there and that burner had somehow blown out...oh my God. The thought was terrifying. This can't go on, I whispered to God. Something has to be done. Show me how to help.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Suzette - The Next Chapter
Today, February 22, 2012, starts my next chapter. Actually, it’s February 23rd and I tried to post this yesterday but blog kept thinking and thinking and it just stopped.
Okay, back to topic. I’ve started my new chapter. No pictures of exotic locations or breathtaking scenes from other countries like in Eat Pray Love. Though it might spark more interest and make me a New York Times bestselling author like Elizabeth Gilbert, such is not what this journey is about. It’s about rediscovery. It’s about honoring your authentic heart. It’s about doing what you have to do because you simply have to. Maybe that’s why my first day assumed a posture of stillness. I rolled to the edge of my bed, raised my blinds and watched the sunrise. Snapping pictures of the rust colored hue setting itself apart from the rest of the sky announcing that the sun was rising until the sun rose big and bright above the trees, I marveled at the grandness of the moment. I’ve seen the same trees and blades of grass for a while now but there was something different today. There was a quiet grace to it, statuesque and reverent.
This theme has been the backdrop for my entire day. I could hardly wait to get outside the house and breathe in the air outdoors. There is something about the feeling of the sun on my face and arms and the breeze gently caressing me that I absolutely adore. Granted, I get the jitters when a bug flies by my head or an insect crawls out of grass, so I’m not a hands-on type. Rather, I’m a stand-in-awe-of-it lover of nature. Something about the trees reaching majestically towards the sky and puffy clouds floating ever so slowly overhead that brings me such comfort and a sense of calm.
It was out of this restful state that I wrote some ground rules for this new adventure with God. I call it rules for the journey. First, I will not do anything that the truest part of me doesn’t want to do. This month is completely and purely about honoring my authentic soul. No apologies to anyone. Second, I will attend to my health. Whether it’s eating early enough that I don’t suffer heartburn and reflux during the night or participating in some type of fitness, I will up my game on self care. I’ve been quite sedentary for a while. A desk job will do that to you. I can’t put all the blame on that though. To be honest, I haven’t felt much like moving since Lawrence died. I do have bursts of energy; but for the most part, I’ve felt little motivation. If it doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna see if there is something medical happening. At my age, it’s hard to know whether it’s perimenopausal, residual grief or some warning that something more serious is happening. In the meantime, however, it’s time to get moving. My Wise Self requires it. I began today by walking for 20 minutes in the park. I also went to an onsite community center and got a schedule of events. I found that for just $5 per session, I can Hip Hop dance or take a Zumba class; and for $2 a day, I can enjoy the exercise equipment in the fitness room. Sweet!
Though my day has been very good, I am concerned about the fatigue I’ve been feeling. I have periods of tiredness that come from nowhere. With so much in the news about women and heart attack symptoms, I think I’ll make an appointment with my doctor. In addition, I had an interesting anxiety experience. While I sat in the car, staring out my window, I felt fine. But when I thought of getting out of the car to take a short walk, I felt hesitation. That’s soooo strange. I LOVE walking. Nonetheless, I had to talk myself into getting out the car and going for a walk. I don’t understand that. As easy as that should have been, it felt like a magnet was holding me inside the car. Normally, I don’t feel that type of anxiety unless I’m about to spend money. Might not have been related but it sure felt the same. In abject defiance, I flung open that car door and willed my legs to move and body to follow. Once I got moving, I was okay.
Today only reinforced what I believe this month is all about. It’s about de-stressing. It’s about giving myself permission to enjoy life and to throw caution to the wind. I have heard that with age there is a sense of your world getting smaller. I don’t want that to happen to me. I want to see life as full of possibilities. I don’t want that to change no matter how long I am blessed to live. I want to love without fear, stay active and color outside the lines. It’s about living. It’s about thriving. And though it’s probably insignificant to anybody other than me and God, it truly is a walk of faith. Faith that God doesn’t just forgive sins but beckons us to walk on water, to defy the odds, to silence the naysayers most times inside my own head. I believe that’s part of a life well lived. While doing my usual morning email check, I came upon a website that asked that I describe my life in 6 words. I wrote, “surviving no more, thriving no less.” What a fitting title for this next chapter of my life! And so it is.
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