Heart-Opening Wisdom

Loneliness during the holidays is not the absence of people, it's distancing your heart from the love it longs for.  We objectify that love by putting a man or woman's face on it or hold it hostage to a painful life event but it's a constricted heart space nonetheless.  When your heart opens, loneliness fades.

"But it hurts," you might argue.  You're right.  It does hurt.  It's uncomfortable.  It feels weird to allow your heart to open.  After all, you're scared.  So, let me offer some wisdom.  Some heart-opening wisdom, how about that.

Get up and get out

Come outside your four walls.  There is something symbolic about leaving your house or leaving your normal routine.  It's coloring outside the lines.  It creates an energy that allows new experiences.

Safe places only

Refuse.  And I'll say it again, REFUSE unsafe situations.  I don't care if it's expected, familiar or you said you would.  Put your heart FIRST.  I know it might subject you to criticism.  I know that.  I can almost guarantee that it will.  Expect it and put your heart first anyway.

Look for warm folks, warm spirits, warm venues that feel like a warm blanket being pulled up around you.  Open in that space.  Touch and allow yourself to be touched.  See and allow yourself to be seen.  Hear and allow yourself to be heard.  Breathe and allow others to breathe you.  Taste and allow yourself to be tasted.  Engage your five senses when discerning warmth or warm blanket moments.

Take a piece of it with you

Make a connection and add it to your life.  Perhaps you were walking in the park and felt such a rich energy fill you.  Take a picture or pick up a leaf, a branch, something that you can take home with you.  For my creative folks, you can finesse it and place it somewhere in your home that you can look at and feel that energy again.

Or perhaps you met someone that made you feel so good...so good just being around them.  Square your shoulders and invite them in by asking for their phone number or a way to connect with them.  Perhaps they are a speaker who talked your language.  They made you feel seen and heard.  Most of all, they inspired you!  They lifted you.  If they are too busy for a one-on-one, no matter.  Google them, go on their website, immerse yourself in more of that feeling by experiencing them indirectly. Go to another event where they will be speaking or that they are involved in.  Purchase their books.  Purchase their CD.  Bring it home with you.

Recreate your environment

"So how long do I have to do this?," you might ask.   Do it again and again and again until you feel your heart open.  Get up and get out...again.  Place yourself in safe places only... again.  Take a piece of it with you..again.  Do it again until you feel your heart heal.  Do it again until you feel your heart love.

If you commit to doing these things consciously and consistently, you'll recreate your environment.  You'll create a new experience of your life.  Loneliness has no choice but to fade.  You'll find yourself surrounded with what feeds you and nurtures you so that you can live again.  You will stop objectifying people, places or things with mistrust or as the cure for your loneliness.  Rather, you'll see your own power to fill yourself.  You will trust yourself to apply the salve that will heal what's broken or what's painful or what's isolating instead of looking at something else to do it.  You'll create a space for love.  A loving heart is a happy heart.  A loving heart is a full heart.  It's full no matter where you are and it's wise in knowing how to sustain that fullness.

Maybe you're feeling a little shy about starting or simply sense I am a safe place and you'd like to talk to me, I'm ready to listen.  Contact me at coachsuzette@purposeful-connections.com.  Regardless, know this:  you matter!

Supper Club

What a great weekend.  My boyfriend and I went to a second supper club at Buku Restaurant.  We had never been there before but had passed it while walking around downtown Raleigh.  Such a great place.  The food was exceptional!  Most of all was sharing such a fun evening with our couple friends.  What I like is we are a rainbow coalition of out-of-the-box warm people.  We embrace diversity and each other.

I know that my doctor says I should wear low heel shoes.  And most of the time, I do; but last night was the exception.  I felt girlie.  Tis the season!  I took out my suede burgundy pumps and let it do what it do!!!  It felt great to get dressed up and go out on the town.

I think it's important for couples to make time to court.  A date night, a surprise kiss, holding hands, and some naughty flirting can go a long way.  Add to that, sprucing up.  An extra curl in your hair, some blue eyeshadow, a little bronzer on the shoulders can go a long way!  I think our partner needs to see the sexy.  Doesn't mean plunging necklines or a hemline up to your apple bottoms, but something that accentuates your greatest features and what he loves most.  Maybe he loves your eyes.  Play them up.  Maybe he loves your curves, then wear something that fits you well without looking hoochey.  Don't know if it's that I'm almost 53 or that I now have a man but I am very mindful of these things.  What woman who loves her man doesn't like to see his eyes light up?  

I've learned some things having been in my 50's for 2 years.  

One, get you a good push up bra.  You might not be aware of it right now, one day you will wake up to your breasts being halfway to your waist and you'll wonder when they decided to do that.  You'll also notice some vertical wrinkles up and down them that gets masked pretty well with some bronzing lotion and again with a nice push up.

Another thing is stretching.  It is important to stretch every day or at least every other.  It keeps you from getting stiff and walking like Fred Sanford.  Trust, if you don't think you're headed there, let me tell you.  You'll go to get off your bed and stiffness will have you walking like an old lady.  Thank God for stairs.  Like Betty White, "I am forgetful."  So going up and down the stairs is very helpful.  I've also learned that some foot pain is because of shortening muscles down the back of your leg.  To step on the stairs and allow your heels to hang downward off the step will stretch that muscle back out.  It's also important for hand pain to stretch the muscles in your forearm.  One way I do that is extend my arms in front of me and with the other hand, pull my hand back.  It stretches your ulnar nerve.

Thirdly, being in love reverses the signs of aging.  The joy that fills your heart and the constant smiling is such an energy boost.  To be emotionally available for love, one has to allow another person into one's internal experience.  That will make you resolve areas that don't get resolved without that type of intimacy.  And it is medically proven that a satisfying sex life does wonders for you overall health.

Lastly, the importance of sleep.  Right now, I'm up beyond what I should be, but getting at least 8 hours of sleep a night does wonders for energy level and makes you look less tired.  As we get older, we are more aware of wrinkles.  We don't want to exaggerate the bags under our eyes due to lack of sleep.  So, with that, I'm getting ready to go to bed.

Have a great evening!

Positioning for My Future

 

Today, I had my first session with Katrina Harrell, a savvy businesswoman and business strategist  featured in Black Enterprise as Entrepreneur of the Week.  Up until I googled her to get more information for this blog post, I didn't know of all her accolades.  And you know what?  She never once mentioned them.  She brought herself to the table and that was enough.  She spoke my language and understood the way I'm wired as she is wired in the same way.  How exciting that was for me!  Every single thing she said resonated with the thinking-outside-the-box eclectic enterprising me.  I was energized beyond words!

Right out the gate at today's session, she talked with me about what her intentions were for me after immersing herself in all things Suzette:  supporting in restructuring, branding and positioning me to work full time for myself.  She was talking; I was typing.  Her first question was how much do you want to make?  The figure I gave her was what I currently live off of.  Immediately, she encouraged me to shift my thinking from what I'd make working for somebody else to what's needed to run my own business and have that business be able to pay me without my having to constantly fish for money.  "It's got to be able to sustain you and sustain itself," she explained as she doubled that figure.

Another shift in thinking came about when we talked about the cost of my services and how I approach potential clients.  The example she gave was of the person shopping for shoes versus a person seeking servicing of their car.  Two different mentalities.  A person shopping for shoes, unless they have a real thing for name-brand or high end type shoes, will typically look for a bargain.  Comparatively, a person seeking to have their car fixed understands that to maintain that car so it will run optimally for a long period of time will cost money.  She clarified further, "One sees paying money as a bargain hunter--get what you need as cheap as possible--while the other sees it as an investment in the future." What I want is the latter. 

Immediately, my Wise Self tapped me on the shoulder and said, "you want to attract clients like you."  I don't haggle.   I'm a show up kind of girl.  I am guided by where I see myself going and if every fiber of my being says this person is the one to get me there.  Pure and simple.  When that's the case, I figure if I don't have the money, I will have it by the time I start.  If they are my connection to the life I want to have and that life is being motivated by my destiny, then getting the money to pay them is nothing but a thing.

Handle Your Business Girl (HYBG) Empowerment Zone

On yesterday, I was privileged to carpool with two of my girlfriends to a master coach certification event.  It was called Handle Your Business Girl Empowerment Zone Master Coach Certification.  First of all, the name grabbed me.  Secondly, the words master coach certification sparked my interest in perfecting my craft.  I didn't know exactly what was going to happen.  All I knew was I had to be there.

Have you ever listened to a speaker and your Wise Self interpret what they say to speak directly to where you are.  Unlike most folks, I don't generally take notes.  I remember better when I listen and then I write from what rests inside.  When I do take notes, I have to feel inspired, really inspired.  I felt inspired yesterday.  If someone were to read my notes though, they would think, "the speaker didn't say that" or "that is not what she meant."  It's because the Interpreter in me let me hear it in my own native tongue.  

Afterwards, with my girlfriends, I pondered what truly lies at the core of competition or jealousy among women as this was talked about during the event.  I think it stems from feeling like something is lacking--whether it is a lack inside or a lack of resources.  I didn't feel any of that.  I really didn't.  When you believe that what God has given you is enough and He is working behind the scenes to order your steps and to provide what you need, there is nothing to hang these negatives emotions on.  There simply isn't.  Dr. Gail Hayes, the CEO of HYBG University, shared how she's always been disliked by women.  Her belief is they are that way because they don't know who they are.  I agree.  You've got to be clear about your own identity.  The dean, Greer Holmes, helps people to get clear. Not just about who you are but what you have to offer this world.  When you admire and love yourself in a healthy, spiritually-mature way, there's no need for comparison.  I'd dare say that when you feel that flutter of negativity towards another woman, it's really about you.  There's something inside of you that is broken that needs to be healed.  And as Dr. Hayes says, that woman you don't like has the key to your next level.

I am self directed and am very comfortable in that.  I move when I feel an inner prompting or an inner curiosity.  When I feel pushed to do otherwise, I get frustrated.  Perhaps that's because I'm a Middle Child.  In many arenas where there is a powerful and confident woman, we tend to admire them, want to follow them and/or envy them.  I admire Dr. Hayes and the beautiful, insightful, talented women who comprise her Master Coaching Team.

What I got out of the event was confirmation, inspiration and collaboration.  I knew that I was in the right place at the right time.  It felt authentic.   It felt right.  I got so many confirmations from people just sharing and talking and encouraging.  These women didn't know they were seconding what my heart had already told me. Lastly, I added more names to my sister circle.  More people to collaborate with and perfect my vision and my direction.  It wasn't just about seeking friends or networking for me.  It was about connecting with whomever God had prepared for me to meet.  I leave the rest to Him.

New Territory

With me contributing to a myriad of different E-writing opportunities, I have had to rethink my posts to this blog.  My blogs tend to become articles.  I don't plan on it, it just happens.  To make it more bloggy, I've decided to make this more of a public diary.   Not that I plan on telling you what I ate for breakfast or all my business, I do plan on talking more about where I am in the moment.

Sure I am a life coach.  But I think it's important for clients to know that I live what I talk about.  I have to do the work to get from Point A to Point B too.  I seek guidance, wise counsel, coaching to help give insight and accountability.

Tonight while talking with my boyfriend, I realized something.  This is the first relationship I've ever had that came to a difficult point that didn't result in weakening the relationship or revealing how weak it was.  Though I'm glad on the one hand, on the other, I've never been here before.  I know it sounds strange that a woman twice married my age would say that but it's true.  What bonded me in past relationships was a need for validation or approval.  My independence was praised as long as it meant I didn't require true intimacy.  Vulnerability was shunned and I felt cut off.  That's not the case in this relationship.

Sure, we're prone to fight-or-flight when we feel threatened with whatever our brand of threat is; but we haven't attacked each other.  That's noteworthy.  My past tendencies to fire up and let er rip have been tempered by my work with my coach.  My hap was to go into defensiveness mode and then attack. Granted, it felt good in the moment but afterwards I'd see such devastation.  Then I'd feel guilty and assume responsibility.  This absolutely negated my own feelings.

This is new territory for us both but we've decided something.  We want to make this work.  We've found a safe place and we want to make a home there.

It requires bonding as a couple as well as dealing with our individual issues.  If this will bring us to a whole and authentic space, it'll be so worth it.  I am hopeful.

It's A Wonderful Life

It started last night.  I looked at my new business page on Facebook with the same 3 Likes.  Shaking my head, I couldn't figure what was wrong.  I had contacted everyone on my Yahoo address list, inviting them to Like my new page.  Nothing.

I had deactivated my personal profile in an effort to transition from using Facebook as a social medium to using it as a platform for my coaching practice.  I meant well, but things weren't going as I had hoped.  Each day, I'd log on only to find the same three people.  Sigh.  Then the lightbulb came on.  Perhaps I deactivated my page prematurely, I thought.  I jumped back on Facebook, reactivated my personal profile page and started sending private messages to my friends list and posting invites on the timelines of groups I had joined.  In less than 24 hours, I have 71 Likes and climbing.  The outpouring has been remarkable.  Folks aren't just liking my page but they are sending me "of courses" and "certainly's" and well wishes and votes of confidence.  

Reminds me of the classic Christmas movie, It's a Wonderful Life.  Actor, Jimmy Stewart, portrays a disheartened George Bailey.  For years, he continued his father's legacy of helping the folks of his small town.  He granted them loan extensions and other financial breaks but when his bank went belly up, folks started demanding their money.  Overcome with anxiety, George did as many folks do: got drunk and drove like a bat out of hell down the road.  He ends up wrecking his car and wishing he were never born.  Fortunately, or maybe not so fortunately, an angel granted him that wish.

Through a series of twists and turns reminiscent of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, the angel accompanies him through what life would have been like had he never been born.  When he realizes that life without the ones he loves is no life at all and how so many people's lives were better because he was born, he prays that he get his life back.  Through tear-stained eyes, he hears someone calling his name and realizes that he has been given such a wonderful gift.  With snow sloshing all around, he runs through his house calling for his wife and kids.  She comes in and he showers her and the kids with kisses completely unaware of the miracle that has happened.  Within moments, the townspeople he's helped over the years turn out in overwhelming numbers with money to help him.  I'm not getting money -- YET -- but the outpouring of love from my friends and friends of friends is just as wealthy.

Truly, I am basking in God's favor!  It's a wonderful life!

Ponderings of An Aging Woman

It's hard to believe that in 22 days I'll be 53.  One thing that I've noticed right off is my reflection in the mirror still looks okay but my recent pictures are revealing that the camera doesn't love me like it use to.  Unless I stand in the perfect lighting, the wrinkles, the weakening eye sockets and the loss of elasticity in my face are very apparent.  I ain't gon lie.  I don't like aging.  I really don't.  At the same time, it makes me ponder what I have that shines brighter than my outward appearance.  After all, as you age, beauty fades.  And at a certain age, botoxing and face lifting and nip tucking just starts looking....well....wrong. 

Now, don't get it twisted.  As long as I have an ounce of vanity, I plan on being a Diva.  Class, elegance and poise are ageless and so is style.  Can I get an Amen?!  I'm not going to say that one day I won't have some work done to help a sistah out.  Contrary to what many celebrity women are doing, I don't want to look like I've had work done.  Just like makeup, a little body work or face work is suppose to only enhance what you already have going for you.  When it's overdone, it looks unattractive. 

I have to admit, sometimes I start feeling insecure.  It's not all-consuming but every now and then, I hear that gentle reminder, "Guuuurl, you gettin oldddddddd." 

Will my boyfriend still think I'm hot as I continue to age? 

We tell ourselves it's what's inside that counts, but c'mon now.  Any woman who loves her man wants to keep that sexual tension poppin.  She doesn't want to go through a lot of trouble--the high heels, the weaves, the thongs--but she does want his head to turn or his eyes to do that shift thingy that men's eyes do when they are checking you out.  I love it when I'm talking to my boyfriend and his eyes do that double blink when I enter the room ready to go out with him.  Or when he slips his arm around my waist as if to tell all the other fellas, "Yeah, I know she's fine and she's mine.  So you'd better recognize and jump back, Jack." 

In a conversation Oprah was having with one of her guests about how you can tell if a man is in love with a woman, they agreed it's that his eyes light up.  I know the day will come that I will stop turning heads and stopping traffic.  It's inevitable. Okay, I never stopped traffic but you feel me.  Eyes that once lit when I entered a room will look right pass me.  I just hope that my love's eyes will still shine and he'll continue to rush to open the door or to grab the groceries for me because he still feels like the luckiest man alive.