Staying In My Lane

This is what I heard myself saying to one of my girlfriends as we were talking about how I approach dating.  I stay in my lane.  You meet different types of men online.  Some are looking for a sexual encounter, others, an activity partner, hanging out or other relationship.  Some aren't looking for or open to a serious commitment.  Part of staying in my lane is being selective of the men I give attention to.  All men have the potential for a serious relationship, but not all are available. 


Staying in my lane means not taking a back seat when it comes to what I want in a dating relationship.  Point blank.  Certainly, my general femininity invites a man to take the lead, but when it comes to my health and well-being, it's not his call.  I cannot defer to someone else.  If a man says, "well, I'm just meeting people and if it happens it happens," I don't try to argue or convince him that a serious relationship is better.  I simply tell him that it doesn't seem we are looking for the same thing.  This lessens frustration or needless anxiety.

One guy amended what he said when I did this.  I'd like to think it was because he found me sooo attractive.  And being the lady that I am, I gave him a chance to prove me wrong.  We had a great time but he proved that what he said was truly where he was emotionally:  "just meeting people and if it happens it happens."  I made a pact with myself to give him a select amount of time and no more.  Needless to say, our encounter was brief which leads to another way I stay in my lane. 

I don't remain in an unsatisfying situation because of a man's potential to be what I want.  I read somewhere that women fall I love with what we hear.  We also fall in love with a man's potential.  That love is short-lived though if he doesn't deliver.  In the past, I've stayed mentally involved in hopes that, given time, he'd make good on what he said.  This has invariably always led to frustration.  So now, I no longer allow his charm, his looks, his words, or his humor to cloud my judgment.  I give him a week.  If he's inconsistent, sends mixed signals or makes excuses for not showing up, I discontinue contact.  I thank him for his time and wish him well. 

With online dating, staying in my lane means a face-to-face meeting as early as possible.  If I spend too much time emailing, texting or talking on the telephone with a guy, it purports a premature familiarity.  A bond of sorts.  It's silly for a man you've never met to start calling you "sweetheart" or "baby."  I have to keep it real.  A man shouldn't be allowed that kind of access until you meet him in person. 

I know that life comes up.  Truly it does.  Still, it sends a disingenuous message when the subject of meeting each other isn't brought up any further unless I bring it up.  Or if a man can't drive 30 minutes to meet you in a week's time.  We're not even talking a date, simply a face-to-face over coffee.  No woman wants a man she has to twist his arm to meet.  Besides, if a man can't show up to meet you, then it leaves little hope that he'll show up in the relationship.  Can't waste my time talking with someone who can't show up. 

I guess all in all you could say that staying in my lane is making my actions line up with my confession.  Integrity.  I want to keep my heart open, rebuild my confidence and have something meaningful with an available man.  Integrity dictates that if an encounter does not line up, then I have to cut it loose.

The search for Suzette's Long-Term Relationship continues....lol.  Sounds like a new reality show, doesn't it?  Seriously, it has been enjoyable to continue to talk to various men online, some I've talked to via telephone and I've met three so far.  I think that's pretty darn good.  It would be easy to become focused on the end result.  But miss this journey?  I think not.  My strength is being renewed and my hope restored as the prospects are becoming more interesting and more hopeful. 

Orrrrrrr, maybe it's me.  I am more focused on what I want and need.  I make my intentions known from the beginning and ask them what their intentions are.  Some talk a good game but don't deliver.  Those I thank and send them on their way. Others bring integrity to their intentions by actually showing up.  If we click, good.  Again, if they aren't as motivated, I thank them and send them on their way. 

Certainly, there is anxiety.  When it's online dating, I think the anxiety is greater.  You don't know what you're gonna get.  You don't know if he'll look like his picture.  You don't know if he's who he says he is, has a wife, has kids or is an opportunist looking for fresh meat.

I've learned that there are flags if a man is unavailable.  He doesn't give you all his phone numbers.  He talks like he wants to meet, but something continues to come up.  Oh, the one that really gets under my skin is when he doesn't call for several days but then acts as if you've been continuously talking.  He doesn't let you know his routine.  He isn't accountable.  He's full of fluff:  compliments, saying what he thinks you want to hear but never fully commiting to anything more.  He isn't accessible.  He has a laid back, cavalier attitude about what matters to you. That's why it is critical for me that I meet the man soon after the initial introductions.  There's something to be said for a man who shows up.  Furthermore, if there is no chemistry.  If there is no spark, then there's not been an emotional investment and it's easier to walk away.   

What also helps the anxiety is talking to more than one man.  That way, if you have to check one man off your list, there are still other potential suitors.  It keeps me hopeful and moving forward. 

There's a man who I met online before I started dating my ex.  I was surprised when, after almost a year, he's contacted me.  With me wearing my hair natural now, he didn't recognize me.  But as we revisited our initial encounter, I think he recognized who I was.  Is it a coincidence that we've reconnected?  No, I don't think so.  I don't believe things happen by chance.  But I won't assume either that I know why.  As explained to him and others, emailing, texting or talking on the phone is just an introduction.  It only becomes real when I meet the person face-to-face and can then see them.  I must admit he has been very motivated.  He's had a demanding work schedule and he lives about 30-45 minutes away; yet, he's the first to even suggest Facebook as a way for him to become more real to me.   He is now more than a collection of profile pictures, he is a person with a family, friends, a career and his own thoughts. 

I look forward to seeing him in 3-D.  I want to sense his body language and his expressions and reactions that aren't scripted.  I want to see how he talks to the waittress and if he rushes to pull out my chair.  I want to see if he looks away when I ask him a probing question or if he is confidently open.  I want to see if his eyes light up when I walk toward him or if he becomes robotic and distant because I fail to meet his expectation.  I want to see if I have his full attention or if his eyes tend to roam whenever a woman walks by.  I want to see if he's macho masculine or metro.  All those things influence physical attraction.  Is he critical or responsive?  Somber or humorous?  Does he listen to hear or listen to assert himself into any opening?  Most of all, do I feel comfortable in his presence?  Do I feel like he is genuine or full of it?  Those things are yet to be seen. 

Exceptionally Well

Oh my goodness, has it  been 20 days since I last posted?  Wow!  So much to say, but if I did, this blog would be so long that you'd think you were reading a short story!  Instead, I'll give you the cliff note version.

This past weekend, I had an fabulous date.  One of the best I've had for as long as I can remember.  I'll tell you why.  It wasn't that I didn't have memorable times together with my ex-boyfriend.  It was a fuller and richer date because I felt understood.  I didn't have to explain why I think as I do.  He understood the meaning behind what I said and what I shared.  And I, him. 

Since that date, however, I had to let him go.  Yeeeeeah.  He had the personality.  We had common values, common likes, common beliefs, common ways of seeing things and that, mixed with the charm of the cafe, the music and the delicious food made for a magical encounter.  Sadly, though, that's all it was.  The date was Saturday.  Sunday went by without an email, a text or a phone call.  Monday, I texted him and invited him to attend the State of the Union Watch Party with me.  Though he was very gracious, he declined because "he had to get up at 5:30 in the morning."  Oooooo-kay.  Let me say, it didn't get better after that.  Every opportunity he had to connect went ....ummmm....unnoticed.

Having said that, I'm certain that I would get mixed reviews on my handling of the situation.  Taken at face value, Paige Parker, author of Dating Without Drama, would probably say that I should have not been so hasty.  The Millionaire Matchmaker would say "men fall in love after the date" so you have to give him time to process.  I hear ya, Paige and Patti...BUT I am not a woman who simply needs to chill out.  My response to this man wasn't because of anxiety over a phone call.  It was out of a mixture of experience, his distant body language, my intuition and honoring who I am and how I roll.  I've been treated exceptionally well and I'm not going back to being treated, in my opinion, mediocre.

Someone once said, you should not date someone who values you less than you value yourself.  To this, I say a resounding Amen!  This does not mean that he should be your sugar daddy or she should be your trophy.  Neither does it mean that anyone should coddle any bad or mean-spiritedness egoic eccentricity.  It does mean that he should leave no doubt of his interest in you.  One of my good friends is dating a man who, by his own admission, is very shy.  Despite this, from start to 5 months of being together, he has left no doubt of his intentions and desire for her.  Frankly, I believe a man who is cavalier about you from the beginning ain't gonna change in time.  He's just gonna frustrate the heck outta ya!

My last experience was with a man who called and/or texted me every day.  It was a very validating relationship and I have re-entered the dating world more confident in my worth.  To this, my weekend date said that perhaps I was confusing quality with quantity.  He might be right but I don't think so.  Different men have different ways of expressing their interest but whatever their method, the interest is expressed.  You don't hear crickets and toads joining in song as a testimony to the passing of time before he reconnects with you!  I read an article, the name I can't remember, that said if you have to wonder if a man is interested then he's probably not interested.

At my age, I ain't wasting my time on a maybe.  I no longer feel compelled to chase a man's potential.  My standard is simple.  I expect to be treated exceptionally well by the man I'm dating.  Proportionately, a man will not get a second date if his energy towards me wanes after the first one. .

Creating A Stir

Setting a goal for today really helped me.  I contacted the business contact about my writing and called both numbers for potential dates. 

The business contact gave me a website to submit articles.  He explained briefly what he does.  Kinda reminds me of Associated Content - with a tweak here and there.  There doesn't seem to be a big monetary advantage at this point but there is a possibility of getting my articles out to a more diverse readership.  Who knows, somebody might read one of my articles and ask me to contribute - with pay.  He said that they had a great need for Parenting articles.  Can't wait to find out more. 

My potential dates, I will refer to most endearingly as Mr. Small Town and Mr. Out Of Town.  Mr. Small Town was eating a sandwich when I called.  Of course, I had to rub in that I had just finished barbecue chicken, yams, collards and hush puppies.  I'm such a stinker!  Interestingly, he remembered my profile sight-unseen.  Impressive.  I must have made an impact.  He asked the typical question I've been asked, "so, what is an attractive, 51 year old woman doing on a dating site?"  It almost sounded like a pick up line: what's a gurl like you, doing in a place like this?   "I could ask you the same question, minus the woman part of course," I responded.  We laughed.  Then the next typical question, "You look like you're slender.  You are slender aren't you?" With this, he explained that he's never dated a heavy woman and he supposes he should say so on his site but it would make him seem narcissistic.  Besides, he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  I was just about to respond when he immediately said he didn't want to chew in my ear so he'd call back later.  Uh, okay.

For Mr. Out of Town, I left a message.  Typically, I wouldn't consider long distance, but he's only three hours away.  Oh my God, did I say just three hours away?  What can I say, he caught my attention.  I'll tell you what made him stand out.  It wasn't that he gave me his phone number.  It was how he responded to a question I emailed him.  I asked him to clarify what he was looking for.  His profile said he was looking for email/talk yet the body of his content said he was looking for something long-term.  "With turning 51, time is becoming increasingly precious to me," I said.  "If our goals are compatible, then I'll call. If not, I don't want us to waste each other's time."  He responded graciously yet forthcoming.  He apologized for the confusion.  He clarified his intent was to talk, find out if there is compatibility, go out, go out some more, possibly get serious, then a lasting relationship.  Boom, boom, boom.  Man, I thought.  Can't get more clear than that. 

Today's Post: Put Myself First!

Just finished my Bodies in Motion workout with Gillaad.  Oooooooooh-weeeeeeee, my shoulder muscles and calves ache but I think it's good.  We'll see if it's a hurt so good or if I'll end up in traction. 

After a couple of days of being back to work, I feel I need to establish another ground rule.  Put myself first!  I find myself getting back into the rut of putting work first.  Take last night for instance.  I worked until 9pm.  The only reason I stopped was Mr. Mature called.  Wrong order. I've set some goals that will enhance my life and make me a more rounded individual.  One of those goals is dating.  Another is writing.  I believe that the energy that I create in being consistent with both will attract to me what I'm looking for:  getting a paying gig as a writer and meeting a romantic partner with which to share my life. 

So here's what I am going to do, TODAY.  One, I'm gonna call the contact that my friend gave me who helps writers market their work.  One thing I hadn't thought about was blogging for money.  Bloggers get paid!  Maybe that's an avenue we can explore.  Second, I'm going to contact one of the three phone numbers I got within 24 hours of activating my dating profile.  If he doesn't answer, I'll go to the next one.  It's about exercising that heart muscle.  Getting back out there.  Creating the future that I want, one step at a time.

I've found that if I don't establish some boundaries around my priorities, my work life will intrude.  It's not so much that I work long hours, rather, it's the mental tiredness that results.  When I'm mentally tired, I won't challenge myself to do anything more than cut on the TV or read.  I go into hibernation mode. 

Sooooooooooooo, I'm going to take my shower and get ready for work.  I'll holla at you later.

My post from last night (January 5, 2011)

I didn't tell you that I'm on two dating sites.  One, a free site and the other is a Christian site.   Seems like the flirts, messages and gifts have declined some today.  I guess when you're on dating sites, you get a lot of traffic one day and the next, you receive precious little.  That's the reason why I have to wear this dating stuff loosely.  I don't want it to become something I'm compulsive about.  It's easy to become consumed.  Gotta keep my perspective and most of all keep my balance.   Can I have a sitting-on-the-side-of-my-bed unsnapping-my-bra moment of honesty?  I don't like going out on weekdays.  I love guys and I sincerely want to get my dating back on; but I'm snug as a bug in this apartrment.  ChiilIin.  I''ve found a renewed joy in just being with myself.  This morning, I got up and changed into some workout clothes.  I had come across Bodies In Motion with Gillaad on the Fitness Channel and awakened with the intent of working out.  It was good.  I was pooped after 20 minutes!.  As the kids say, "He go hard!"    Back to dating.  I gotta catch you up!  Along with the three phone numbers, there was a gentleman I met on the free dating website who called me twice.  We'll call him Mr. Mature.  He's the grandfather of 6 and this is the second night he's called me.  A grandfather, hummmmmm.  Why does his being a grandfather creep me out?  It's not like I'm not at an age where I could be a grandmother.  I just don't feel like one.  Nevertheless, he's new to the area and trying to get settled but desires something long-term with a special woman.  I have to admit, his manner is one of a true gentleman.  He is easy-going and polite.  I'm concerned that he talks rather slowly.  You know the way an older person talks - slow and d-e-l-i-b-e-r-a-t-e.  His picture doesn't look that old but his voice reminds me of a deacon or trustee in a Baptist church.  Okay, okay, he sounds OLD.  He's 57 but there are youthful 57 year olds, right?  I'm trying to stay open, here.  I'm so vivacious and high energy.  Well, I won't know until I know.    We both said we want to take things slow.  Let me clarify slow though.  Slow, to me, means not hopping into the sack or falling in love with a feeling.  Slow means taking the time to get to know a person.  Asking the right questions yes; AND getting into their space.  He has suggested getting together for a nice dinner but hasn't set a date yet.  I have to be fair.  He just moved here three months ago from another state.  Okay, okay, but I gotta do what'll keep me from weirding out.  I got it.  I'll give our talking to each other until this weekend.  That'll be about a week.  If he doesn't pursue getting into my space, I'll be forthcoming about wanting to meet him.  If he shys away from it, I'll see that as a flag and keep it moving forward.  There's slow and then there's s-l-o-w.    Well, that's it for tonight.  I'm out.

Dating at 51

Let's do this!

Good morning, Life.  It's Tuesday.  The first Tuesday of 2011.  There is excitement in the air.  In my air. 

As you know, I'm single.  I'm 51 and single.  I didn't expect to be 51 and single, but I am.  Up until now, I've not preferred it.  After all, I had imagined standing hand in hand with a wonderful man - My Soulmate - at this stage of life.  With the kids grown, we'd be planning the places we'd go and things we'd do.  Not even remotely my story.

All is not lost though.  I'm still fit and I feel I've got alot to offer.  So why not get back out there, right?  Sooooooo, come with me as I take you on my journey.

First I've got to establish some ground rules.  I'll blog about my experiences but I won't use actual names.  I will give them real names though other than John Doe or Thing 1 or Thing 2.  I think I'll let the name fit the personality of the man.  Yeah, that'll work.  Okay.  Let's do this!

I put up my profile a week ago.  I decided to reconstruct it.  New pictures, new description, new everything. I grappled with whether I wanted to pay any money or not.  I think that decision was made for me nevertheless.  The dating sites advertise being free.  Here's how they snag you.  If you want to read the messages left for you, you have to pay.  Arghhhhh.  Well, I'll show them, I thought.  I'll just pay the minimal and see how it goes.  Within 24 hours of putting it up, I had three phone numbers!

Stunned, excited and TERRIFIED, I called my friend, Gail, almost out of breath, to tell her about it.  She asked if I had called anyone yet.  Well, fast forward, I called her after phoning one of my potential beaus.  I'll call him Happy. 

Mr. Happy was...welll..ah...happy.  No kidding.  I mean really, really happy.  In fact, when I'd ask him a question, he'd burst into song.  If I'm lyin, I'm fryin!   He was very excited about talking to me, about the meal he was about to eat, and most of all, his salvation.  He all but gushed about how his relationship with God was at the core of his exuberance.  He even started singing one of those foot-stompin, hand-clappin prayer meeting songs.  On top of being happy, he was a real jokster.  I adore a sense of humor in a man.  I have a slap-stick, quick-witted side myself.  Yet I couldn't help envisioning Donkey in the movie, Shrek, as he talked.

"Please God," I prayed.  "Let him give me an out so that I don't hurt his feelings."  Before I could clear my throat, there it was.  He said he worked third shift.  Laaaaaaaaaaah, my sky opened up and I saw a rainbow, metaphorically speaking.  When he took a breath, I told him that he seemed like a delightful guy but I had a concern.  He stopped talking.  For the first time, I had his complete attention.  "While you're working, I'll be asleep.  And while I'm working, you'll be gearing up for work.  Then on weekends, well, you live out of town and have things that you do," I explained.  He said he understood. Thank GOD, I thought.  Then he began to beg me to let him take me to dinner.  "Pleeeeeeeease," he said.  Oops, vision of Donkey again.
  

This brings up another ground rule.  I will not use a man for a meal.  I could act naieve and say "well, if he wants to take me out, I should let him."  To me, that's a 20 or possibly 30 year old mentality.  At 51, I can't ignore the bigger truth.  His intentions were to sweep me off my feet and "love me like nobody has ever loved me before."  His own words.  No need of encouraging him.  I know better.