Two Fish, Five Loaves

Just saying two fish and five loaves brings“the feeding of the 5000" to mind.  It seems almost laughable that a little boy’s lunch would even remotely be enough to feed such a massive crowd, but when his disciples informed Jesus of what the boy had, he said to bring it to him.  I’m sure they gave Jesus one of those sideways puzzled looks as they walked up to the young lad.  Doubtful that it would be enough, I imagine they watched, probably feeling a little embarrassed.   I don’t know if it was even noticeable at first.  I imagine Jesus took the fish and bread in his hands, thanked God for providing more than enough, broke the fish in two, broke the bread in two and passed it to the disciples who in turn passed it to the next person and so on and so on.  Maybe they were so busy passing the halves to the hungry men, women and children that they didn’t notice that fish and bread kept coming down the line.  I don’t know how it happened, when it happened or when somebody noticed it but the Bible says that it was enough.  More than enough, in fact, for when they took up the leftovers they had twelve baskets full. 

I don’t know what God is up to in my life.  I've shared my experiences with people who think they got it figured out.  God is doing this or that they tell me.   I've learned to be kind to people but not trust their knee jerk assessments of what God is doing in my life.  All I know is that this familiar account of the two fish and five loaves came out of nowhere as I anticipated the decrease of my part-time hours from 24 hours a week to 12 hours a week.  How can I be expected to survive off that?, I pondered.  Like a ticker tape, my bills and obligations and putting gas in my car and groceries were scrolling in my mind.     

I know that for so many Americans making it from one day to the next is a struggle.  They see an unstable economy and hear reports of people losing jobs or folks that simply have stopped applying for unemployment.  They worry about how they're going to feed their families, keep a roof over their heads and get to and from this place and that.  I myself have been shocked and awed by friends who have shared with me that they've been homeless, severed from jobs they’ve worked for 30+ years, unemployed for years and even some have had to move back in with parents.  Just like in the Bible days, seems like famine is all around.  Newsflash, being a Christian doesn’t make us immune from mishaps. 

I don't know about you, but I get bent all out of shape when something I didn't anticipate happens.  Could it be that I have a control problem?  Could be.  Nevertheless, with the two fish five loaves recollection came a higher truth.  Truthfully speaking, my 12 hour workweeks are of no consequence to God.  He is not alarmed or moved by that. " Aren't you concerned?," the disciples asked when the winds and waves were beating the sides of their boat.  How could he be asleep when the boat was filling with water and their very lives were threatened?  There is one answer to this:  He is I am.  And in his I am-ness, he commanded the winds and the waves to cease. "Peace.  Be still.," I am said.  

He is that, He is.  In a previous blog, I shared how worrying is a waste of time.  It truly is.  One, by worrying, you cannot change one thing.  It doesn't stop anything from happening.  And two, just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. 

Take the wind for example.  No one has ever seen the wind.  We feel it brush up against our skin.  We hear the whistle when it’s blowing between buildings.  We see trees, blades of grass and loose pieces of debris being tossed around by it.  Nevertheless, nobody has actually seen it.  Still, it exists. 

I have to revisit my example about the cup of water.  That was a true aha moment for me.  To a person who isn’t aware of indoor plumbing and how that all works, once their cup of water is gone, there is no more.  I can imagine that person panicking with each rationed sip of water as he looks around and sees no water.  Just look around your house.  Walk around.  There is no pond in the house.  No well in the house.  Nothing but just carpet, hardwoods, linoleum, ceramic tile, walls, ceilings, appliances and fixtures.  You might have pitchers, buckets, bowls, tubs, sinks but by all appearances there is absolutely no water.  NO WATER?!  Then how am I gonna live?, he might lament.  Imagine his stress.  Imagine his fear. 

I believe that those of us who grew up with a scarcity mentality are like that person.  We fret when we look in our bank accounts and don’t see enough zeroes.  We panic when we’re handed a pink slip and told that the company is downsizing.  We spend most of our lives at jobs we hate, working insane hours because we fear the alternative.  In secret, we beg God to rescue us, to help us, to provide for us, to meet our needs, to not let us die as if His provision is way up in Heaven somewhere or is nonexistent just because we don’t see it. 

I’m learning that the times of lack I’ve experienced or feared have been grossly misinterpreted.  Watching my parents work hard and hearing my dad say that “man will have to work by the sweat of his brow” taught me that provision was difficult to come by.   If you didn't work hard for every single dime, you'd have nothing.  That’s not true.  To a person who truly believes in God, or better, believes that He is faithful to them, that cannot be true.   Even a person who believes in his own value, knows that he will outlast whatever difficulties come his way.  We work, most definitely.  But it's not because we fear not having our needs met.  We work because we want to be productive.  We work because we have gifts, talents and skills that need to be expressed.  For some, work and income are a package deal.  For others, work and money are from separate streams.

Are we exempt from down times, suffering or bitter Winters?  No.  Everybody has down times, everybody suffers at one time or another, everyone is subject to bitter Winters.  That happens to the rich, the poor, the Black, the White, the person of faith, the agnostic.  What’s different is how we perceive it.  It comes down to what we believe.  I feel my beliefs changing.  I’m beginning to put two and two together.  Every single thing that happens in my life is purposeful else it would not happen.  There’s a purpose to employment.  There’s a purpose to unemployment.  There's purpose in taking the right road.  There is purpose in taking the wrong road.  There is purpose to succeeding.  There is purpose in failing. There’s a purpose to being full. There’s a purpose to being empty. There is purpose to the Prodigal Son squandering all his inheritance.  There is purpose to the son who remained faithful all the while.
  
This season is challenging the scarcity mentality that has stayed stuck to me like gum underneath my shoe for most of these 52 years.  Faith is arguing against that type of fatalism.  Working 12 hours per week doesn’t guarantee hunger, thirst, unpaid bills, untreated illnesses or lack in any way, it argues.  As long as there is a faucet in my house attached to the water line, there is no reason to fear being thirst. 

I have a good friend whom I was blessed to reconnect with.  She and I were BFFs in college yet life has taken us down different paths.  She has not been employed since she had a major medical procedure with a recuperation that exceeded what her job allowed.  Has she been without?  No.  She shared story after story of how God more than met her needs, some even before she even asked.  Is she special somehow?  No.  She is a person just like me.  She is a person just like you.  She’s just discovered the faithfulness of her invisible Source.  She knows that abundance is not determined by what she sees, but who she knows. 

To be honest, I've been resisting hearing her stories.  I'm not her, I've thought.  I don't want to not work.  I cannot be content to not work.  Despite this, still another college chum with a similar testimony has come into my life.  Another one!  She too has been unemployed for some time.  She is committed to not accepting anything less than God's best for her.   I've resisted some things she's said also because I've not wanted to consider anything other than gainful employment - SOON! 

I realize that fear has been distorting their message.  It is not one of laziness or indifference, it's a message of God's faithfulness.  When you have experienced God's faithfulness, you pray different.  When you've experienced his faithfulness, you see life different.  Instead of begging for provision, you start blessing what God has provided.  You start declaring that it is more than enough.  You eat without fear of hunger.  You drink without fear of thirst.  Something deep within is changing.  A knowing is replacing the fear that once left me tormented.  I'm beginning to expect God to be faithful.  I'm beginning to feel gratitude for God's provision regardless of how it looks.  Somewhere deep within me, I know what is happening.  God is blessing and breaking the two fish and five loaves of my life.   

The Sun Rises Every Morning

The Sun rises every morning.  Doesn't matter if you can't see it because of clouds, blurry conditions or bad eyesight, this never changes.  Despite this, there are other factors at work that are just as natural.  Atmospheric conditions produce clouds, rain, severe weather and yes, natural disasters.  If you don’t know that this is a part of nature, you’ll panic and worry if the Sun will ever return.  If there will ever be blue skies again.  If the adverse winds will ever cease.  I can imagine early mankind was afraid of these things until he learned better.  There is a Law of Nature. 

Early man must have stopped running for a moment to notice a pattern, a Law if you will.  He observed the animals, the ocean, the trees and the sky.  He learned that there were signs, rhythms and seasons to things.  Day and night, Sunrise and Sunset were a certainty—unless he lived in Alaska...lol  When the wind would shift, birds would fly overhead and dark clouds would gather hiding the Sun, I’m sure he scratched his head totally confused.  I can imagine he came home to his mate and told her how the clouds ate the Sun that day.  Until he lingered long enough to discover that the Sun was not eaten at all, I can imagine his fear.  With time and observation, he realized the Sun was shining brightly all the time. Clouds were simply blocking it.   

This season in my life has caused a resurgence of anxiety and panic.  The feelings of well-being are being overwhelmed by what-if's.  What if I don’t have enough of this or that.  And if I have enough for right now, what about next week, next month, next year?  To be honest, I have always struggled with an out-of-sorts all-encompassing feeling.  Mom called it “nerves.”  The DSM-IV (dictionary of mental disorders) calls it an anxiety. 

Wikipedia says that anxiety covers four aspects of experiences:  mental apprehension, physical tension, physical symptoms and dissociative anxiety.  If any of those descriptors make you curious, you can google anxiety disorder and read more about them.  My takeaway is it is quite human to worry from time to time.  A disorder exists however when anxiety is chronic or obsessive.  The disorder can manifest as generalized anxiety disorder, phobic disorder and panic disorder.  I have had to face how fear of lack has been a constant struggle to my experience of life.   I don’t know what happened in my childhood or what organic factors contributed to my nervous predisposition.   It is an up and down struggle though.    

I volunteer at WakeMed Hospital in the children’s ward.  Last week, while talking with a hospital worker, a blue light started whirring overhead and emitted an odd sound.  I had not heard it before.  It wasn’t a siren so I knew I didn’t need to leave the premises, but it was some type of alarm.  Pretty soon a security officer came walking briskly up the hallway.  She said that what we were hearing was an alert that somebody might be trying to steal a child.  Not only was there an alarm but exit doors locked, elevators couldn’t be used and other unseen safety guards were activated thereby preventing that person or child from getting out of the hospital.  An anxiety disorder happens much the same way.  You feel alarmed by something and every action you take is in proportion to the intensity of the alarm.

In the midst of all this, I have had two aha moments.  One, I am not the anxiety.  Two, there is a Law that supersedes all other laws. 

Anxious is how I feel, it is not who I am.  I may feel afraid, but I am not afraid.  I am who I am when I feel peaceful, secure and loving.  That's who I am.  I am full of gratitude.  I am awed by God’s provision in my life.  I am observing a stronger me emerging out of the chaos.  I am resourceful, smart, creative and courageous.  I am clear about what I want and why I’m doing what I am doing.  I am committed to showing up for that regardless to flashes of lightning and ear-splitting thunder. I am authentic and allow that to guide my decisions.  This is the Sun that is peeking out from behind blurrying clouds and adverse conditions. 

It is true that there are natural laws.  The Sun rises and sets every single day.  You can count on it.  Just the same, there is a Law that trumps that law.  I call it the Law of Purpose.  The Bible is filled with stories or metaphoric illustrations of that Law in action.  In the book of Joshua there is an account of the day the sun stood still.  In the New Testament, Peter bids Jesus to invite him to walk on water.  Though some would argue that this is absolutely ludicrous, you cannot discount that there are constantly emerging realities that to-this-day defy all reason.   The Law of Aerodynamics says that a bumblebee should not be able to fly.  But it does. 

Purpose creates a way where there is none.  Even two fish and five loaves blessed by Purpose can feed 5000 with baskets full of leftovers.  Ask J. K. Rowling, the brilliant mind behind the Harry Potter books or Cordia Harrington, a multimillionaire who went from rags to riches by investing $587 into an idea.  Both had some challenges, true, but a Greater Consciousness was definitely at work in their lives.   

In the final analysis, the biggest aha is there is no need for fear.  It is a useless waste of time, energy and spirit.  Bishop Jakes said once, “you’ll wreck your car swatting at gnats.”  Gnats are small details that you don’t plan for but can frustrate the heck out of you.  You might simply open your windows to let the sunshine and gentle breeze blow through and find gnats swirling around your head:  getting all in your face when you try to eat or buzzing in your ears when you try to watch TV.  With all our preparation and calculations, gnats do come.  What I now realize is that it is a disorder to focus more on the gnats than on the journey.

Gnats are not to be feared, they are to be managed.  This is the bedrock for opportunity.  Opportunities for raised awareness, for digging deeper, for expansion, for solution.  Just as it would be futile to pray away an ocean, it is futile to pray that gnats stop existing.  Maybe the prayer should be, “God, show me the solution."  Then our job becomes looking and listening. Purpose will reveal the answer.  Purpose will reveal what is needed to erradicate or to overcome every obstacle.      

I don’t know where my “nerves” came from.  I don’t have to know.  All I need to know is God is.  So, I can allow doubt and fear to run amok or I can open my mind to a boundless supply and ideas.  He is driving this vehicle called my life.  Attraversiamo….let’s cross over!

I AM The Vision

I expected to hear back from two job interviews by Friday.  Didn’t happen. Consequently, I've felt kinda off, if you know what I mean. You know that off you feel when underneath your smile and your functioning, there is an inward heaviness, a weighted sigh.  I hate it when I feel like that.

Anywho, I turned on TV this morning in hopes of getting some inspiration from OWN's Super Soul Sunday. Arggggggghhhhhhhh, not the Dr. Phil House! I don’t know about you, but I hate the Dr. Phil house. The issues are soooo intense. But you know how we do, I kept it on for the noise factor and watched it halfheartedly until it was over. He did say something that I had to text to my boyfriend for further texted discussion...lol. Dr. Phil said, “if you have to give up who you are as an individual to be part of a couple, you have to ask yourself if that’s too much.” He was talking with couples anticipating marriage and some of the the struggles they were having in their relationships.  Now, some of my strong-minded, independent, got-to-have-it-my-way sisters might unite in a hearty, “that’s right!” Then one adds, “That’s why I left Boo-Boo! He wanted me to stay home with him. He ain’t gonna control me like that,” she says rocking her neck back and forth much to the affirming nods of her girlfriends. But before you burst into a chorus of Beyonce’s Single Ladies, I have to say “control” is such an ugly, oft overused word. Could it be that you are taking his actions out of context? I mean after all, the brother might just want to spend some quality time with you. And excuse my terrible grammar here but if your girlfriends ain’t got no man, I’d be a little suspect of their advice or affirmations. I’m just saying. Anyway, I digress. Back to Super Soul Sunday.

Once Dr. Phil ended, there was a behind the scenes of Oprah’s Lifeclass with Iyanla Vanzant and Tony Robbins. Yay!!  When I saw Iyanla on stage with a microphone in her hand, I knew something lifechanging was about to happen. She did her introductions, of course, but then she said one word that made pings go off inside and shake every heavy feeling and weighted sigh inside of me. That word was VISION. “That word saved my life,” she said to her enthralled listeners—me, being one of them.

“Vision is what moves you forward.”  When Iyanla said this, “without a vision, the people perish” was the first thought that came to my mind. This quote from The Bible, I’ve heard all my life. Most times, it was associated with getting behind the preachers vision. Today however held a different meaning. Without a vision, you stay stuck in what is familiar. There is nothing more uncomfortable than trying to get into jeans that once fit but now, oh Lord. The more your hips and thighs mature, the more acrobatics are required just to pull them up. Don’t even think about buttoning them. I swear the button might fly off and put out somebody’s eye!  Staying stuck in the familiar has similar consequences.

During Iyanla's most trying and difficult moments, it was the vision that rose from within her belly that got her through. She had a vision that was greater than where she was at in her life, true; still, God’s vision for her was bigger than she could have ever dreamed for herself. I tell you, that gurl was talking directly to me.

She said that it takes courage to stand in your vision. God knows that’s the truth. When what you feel in your core is all you got and nothing around you looks even remotely like you’re right, it’s a scary thing. When the well-wishers you had early on, pack up their “you-go-girl’s” and move across to the other side of the street and you’re left alone with what appears to be diminishing all around you, it is tougher than tough, tough, tough. This is why it is important for you to nurture your vision. Iyanla gave three ways--four, to my thinking.

First she said you must affirm your vision every day. I am, is the way you do it. I am is a powerful descriptor. I am aligns you with the Divine Consciousness of who you truly are. She used the example of people who say, “I am broke.” Think about the power of that for a moment.  Think about the fact that folks who complain about being broke are….well...always broke. It goes back to changing the way we tell our story.  I've had to consider that I’ve been saying, “I am unemployed.” Just saying that makes me feel bad. Unemployed implies jobless, unfruitful, unproductive. Unemployed brings up images of poverty, lack, despair. It says I’m lacking the skills that would make someone want to hire me. None of that is true. Truth is I am employable.  I have chosen to honor my growth and transition to an exciting and fulfilling career. That’s the truth. Rather than continuing to squeeze my expanded frame--okay, my big ole butt--into those skinny jeans, I decided ENOUGH already. Instead, I am shopping at different stores, trying on different pairs to find a custom fit. I don’t know what law of nature, law of physics, law of dynamics it is. All I know is if I keep looking, I will find what I am looking for.

Secondly, she said “never judge your clarity on how other people respond.” In short, your vision is not any greater or any less by what people think of it. Don’t let the objections, the baffled looks, the eye-roll, the sighs you hear when you tell just one more person you aren't working yet or the crickets and frogs being the only sound you hear affect your judgment.

Iyanla took her grandchild to the eye doctor for an eye exam. She had found a coupon where you could get two eye exams for the price of one, so she decided to get her eyes examined too. The doctor asked her about her glasses. She said she didn’t wear glasses. The eye test showed a “diminished visual acuity” that she wasn’t aware of. She thought she was seeing just fine. This, she said is the way we go through life. We think we’re seeing just fine but many of us are only seeing with a percentage of clarity. I know this sounds like I’m using the wrong example given that I just said not to judge your vision by what others think. I’m not though. The doctor is a professional. The God of your vision and my vision is a professional. He is the one who sees your vision most clearly. He’s the one whom you should listen to against all odds.

To me, number three in her three ways of nurturing your vision was don’t wait for the how before you move towards your vision. So many times, people will not move because they don’t see how it’s all going to work. I myself am guilty of this very thing. Iyanla says sometimes you have to walk blindly.  I think of Tyra Banks. She was tall and gangly in elementary school on up to high school. She had a wide forehead, receding hairline and dark circles underneath her eyes. On top of that she was a Black woman. All qualities that were considered unattractive by those around her and society at large. Now just think about this. This gurl opts to pursue modeling of all things. Modeling!  She even declines college to chase something that she seemed like the worst fit for.  But look, now some twenty years later, she is heralded as one of the most successful and influential models of our day. She was a trendsetter. She reset the bar. She expanded the definition of beautiful. And all that gave birth to America’s Next Top Model. Nothing like that had ever been done on TV. It opened the door for Project Runway and other fashion industry type reality shows.  It brought a greater level of respect to the industry.  Most of all, it took the limits off modeling as we know it. One vision. One person.  One God whose vision for her was bigger than the one she had for herself.

“Instead of begging God for direction, listen for instructions,” was the I-said-all-this-to-say moment of Iyanla's address. “Be still…and listen,” she said. When she said this, I understood where my progression had brought me. I had taken the physical leap with a destination in mind; but my journey has been about so much more. I saw myself one way back in February but now, that’s all changed. Throughout the peaks and valleys, the gains and the losses, the sunshine and the rain, from declaring to becoming, my vision has not waned. In fact, it's gotten louder.  I no longer see it as something I'm reaching for or destined for. I see it as a reflection of who I am.  I and the vision are one.  I am the vision.

When that happens, you stop begging God as if you’re asking for something that is way out there somewhere. You begin to check in with your core. That’s the listening. You pay attention to what it’s saying. The stillness doesn’t mean you stop moving no more than listening means you stop asking. It simply means that the chaos of your own insecurities and fears is secondary. Fear doesn't push you into wasted busyness to keep you from being still and to keep you from listening. You stop allowing it to take center stage. You hear it yes, but you press in to hear deeper and that is what you pray. This moves from hoping, past believing and into knowing. A knowing that your vision isn’t born out of escapism but born out of the still small voice of your purpose. I see progress. I and the vision are becoming one.

Lest you should think that's the end of it, the operative word is becoming. I’m not all there yet. Some days are better than others. One day, spooked by the latest bill or alarming situation, I feel that desperate need to get a job, any job. That’s when I frantically search the online job postings and consider applying for that data entry job or that multi-line answering receptionist job. Other days aren’t so alarming. I observe my approaches to problems and advice to others and pause to recognize that I am a manager. I am a coach. I am a person who helps others become their best. I am an encourager.  I am gifted in giving wise counsel. So you see, I can identify with Clark Kent, the understated wannabe news reporter whose eyeglasses are crooked and who stutters when he speaks. To all who know him, this is who he is.  However, he’s hiding a secret. He is Superman.  This, he hides and minimizes deeming fitting in as more important until he discovers that his purpose serves something Greater.  The journey he took to find answers to the why’s that have tormented him is understated but is the most powerful part.  Understanding his authentic soul and its value, I often found it curious that he didn't get rid of Clark Kent. I think I understand it better now.  He is Clark Kent and he is Superman.  They aren't two, they are one in the same.  When Clark Kent allows you to have a human experience but no longer limits you or defines you, you're okay. All this lets me know that there is a Divine mind who is bringing my past and my present in alignment for something Greater.  I am the Vision.

Don't Waste Your Crisis

On last Friday, I attended a Leader's Meeting for The Encourging Place, where I'll be volunteering as a Camp Leader for its Women's Summer Camp.  I anticipated getting training but I didn't know the speaker would say something that would lodge in my brain and keep speaking to me.  He said, "don't waste your crisis."  Upon hearing those words, I immediately started trying to see how it related to what I'm going through.  Though I was wrestling with anxiety and that feeling that I'd burst out crying if anyone as much as looked at me too long, clarity came. 

I noticed that regardless of the challenges and my raw emotion, at times, I have continued to show up.  Trust, there have been times that I've wanted to curl up in a corner and rock back and forth.  One such time was when I looked at my bank account balance.  Talk about startling!  Tears gushed out of my eyes in disbelief as I saw that I only had a little over $200 left with no savings, no other means.  Panicked, my first instinct was to call the volunteer coordinator for the Ronald McDonald Family Room at WakeMed and cancel my shift.  Gurl, you need to be filling out job applications, not going to some volunteering thing, said the combustible thoughts going off in my head.  But it's too late, I argued. Besides, they are counting on me.  Crying the whole time, I got dressed and reported to my shift.  By the end of it, I felt better.  There's something about helping others that lifts us from where you are.

Perfect segway for my next observation.  I do the opposite of what I feel.  This, my relationship coach pointed out to me.  I truly believe that one of my spiritual gifts is wisdom.  And that wisdom directs me even when I don't think it is.  We all have that part of us that has a Higher vantage point from which to see our lives.  It's that Wise Self, that Higher Consciousness, that taps us on the shoulder from time to time and says pay attention to this.  That was the part of me that usurped the panic and said, "but you said you wanted to do something meaningful. You have a chance to do it by volunteering.  So, it would make no sense to cancel."  So, I hustled my fragile-feeling behind in the direction of what my Higher Self reminded me of.

This is where our convictions have transformative value.  If our convictions stem from a sense of purpose, this is the highest use of our existence.  I have beliefs and values that are lodged in fears, biases and egocentric views from my upbringing and environment.  What I have observed is if that's the filter that I operate from, it has little lasting benefit.  But when that Higher part of myself shines its Divine light on things, life takes on greater meaning.     

Maybe that's why the Bible says "the trial of our faith is more precious than gold."  God knows that trials unearth the truest part of ourselves.  Certainly, my faith is being tried frontside, backside and side-to-side.  What's at stake for me is the value of my purpose.  I'm not use to allowing it to direct the jobs I take.  I'm use to letting survival call the shots.  So I feel insecure.  If I stand in my authentic Light will God stand with me?  He has when it's come to reclaiming my soul.  He has when it's come finding a mate.  But this job stuff is uncharted territory.  I need to go from hoping and from believing to knowing that purposefulness includes my employment too.  That God will command Heaven and earth to support me and the manifestation will be fulfilling work...with the income to boot.

I wrote about the corridor and how I had a melt down.  I did.  I cried and paced and poured out my heart.  It wasn't pretty.  Some might think it meant I had no faith.  I'm glad God didn't respond that way for by the next business day, I was contacted by four different companies regarding interviews.  All last week, I was busy interviewing and volunteering.  Talk about going from 0 to 100!  Not only that.  Friends are cheering me on and praying for me.  Folks I don't even know are being drawn to me and standing with me.  Volunteering is feeding my spirit and lifting me to another level.  Job postings I am being contacted for are changing from secretarial or bookkeeping to financial analysis and account managing.  Despite the urge to take just any job out of desperation, I am requiring more.  I am answering questions and asking questions of interviewers from an authentic place.  In the process, I am getting tips and good feedback to move me forward.  All of this is God's validation. 

I know I'll get a job offer soon.  The momentum is intensifying.  But what is most valuable to me is that God is proving his value to me.  God is moving Heaven and earth just for me...just for me.

In The Corridor

Last night, I had a moment of intensity.  I was about to call it a meltdown, but it wasn’t.  It was a moment of raw, engulfing catharsis.  I told  God that I didn’t like this place, this corridor.  This place of waiting.  I’ve tried to be diligent in reviewing job openings and applying, but it’s getting harder and harder to do.  Whenever you click apply, you are immediately taken to the employer’s website.  Each company seems to have one and you have to complete their online application, retyping the same things over and over and over.  Though you can upload your resume, the  auto-fill always requires modification as it puts things in the wrong places.  When you’ve done that over and over and over again, it can make you want to bang your head against the wall or, in my case, lose energy. 

Between coloring my gray hair and watching Private Practice on television, I went on Oprah’s website and did a search on “letting go.” I felt myself becoming clingy and felt that I needed to read something that could help me chill out.  I came across an article by Martha Beck, "Your Best Life is Waiting.  I kinda glanced through it until I came to Step Three:  Feel Your Soul’s Desires.  It read, “the biggest obstacle to a recognition of our soul’s desires is the mind…The soul tells us what we want and need, while the mind tells us what we think we want and need.”  It gave the example of the soul wanting “to be free from worry” and the mind thinks that winning the lottery is the answer.  So we spend all our time focused on winning the lottery instead of simply tuning into our souls.  How true this is of me.  I’ve been so stuck in my mind trying to figure out what will give my soul what it wants, that I’ve neglected what’s most important.    

I know in my head that answers come when I am in a rested place, but something, probably my mind, is afraid to let go.  It’s afraid that if I am not diligent, I'm not doing all I need to do to show that I really want a job.  It’s afraid that my soul is wanting too much.  After all, all this desire for purpose doesn't seem to be creating income.   And in about a week or so that is going to be paramount. 

The article suggests that I do an exercise.  It says on one piece of paper list all the things you want.  That’s easy.  I want a job.  I want income.   I want to get out of this corridor before my resolve is interloped by waning savings and cabin fever.  Okay, okay.  Then it says to turn the page over or get a new page and list things I yearn for.  Reading that took me deeper.  I yearn for...I yearn to get up every morning without hating to go to a job where there is no room for me.  Room for my skills, yes; but not truly room for me.  I yearn to know that this desire comes from God.  I need to know that I won't come out of this corridor only to go right back to the same emptiness, the same mundaneness, the same unfulfillment.  I yearn to not just hope, or believe that God will honor my soul’s desire but to KNOW that He will.  I yearn for a pathway, some sense that I'm on the right path, some sense that the movement is meaningful.  That this break won't be a waste.  That I don’t fail myself.  I yearn for evidence that this is born of faith not folly.  I need this for me.  I don’t just want a life where I spend my time grasping  or running here and there.  That’s so desperate.   I don’t want to just wish and hope anymore.  I want a substantive life where there is proof.  Without proof, my articles, my blogs, my beliefs and values hold little credibility.  I yearn for God’s validation of what I am at this point in my life.  I need to know that I matter that much to God.  Nobody can give me that.  It's got to come from within me.  I got to know it.  I got to know what my purpose is worth.  It’s got to happen in a way that I know it.      

Like Jesus often said, “I know that He [God] hears me.”  That part of it, I know.  I don’t doubt that God hears me.  I know that.  It’s the next part of it that’s got me shaking in my boots.  Jesus knew that God would honor Him.   Why?  “I only do what I see the Father do,” was his reason.  Obviously, there was some flow he was in.  He didn't see God's answers as isolated events but part of a continuum.  There was proof of it.  People saw it and believed.  It’s not that I take what Jesus said literally.  I don't think that as the point.  I believe the point was oneness.  He was aligned with His inner core.  To me, that is synonymous with “doing what I see the Father do” for I truly believe that when we honor our truest selves, we are honoring the God that made us in His Image.  And if we are honoring that, He cannot deny Himself.  He has to make good by manifesting what He has placed in our hearts.  That’s what gives us credibility.  Otherwise, we seem like a bunch of religious folks going through gyrations in our church gatherings and religious observances, begging, dreaming and wishing but not producing anything of lasting value.  No impact.  No power.  That’s not okay.  For me, that’s not enough. 

I wish I could rush through this.  I really do.  I feel I sound somewhat redundant.  I'm just working through this.

On to Step Four, trust your life to unfold perfectly.  Okay, another exercise.  “Choose a soul’s desire that seems modest…Make sure it’s something that’s really coming from your core.  Then deliberately choose to trust that your wish will be fulfilled.”  Okay, I can calm down a little.  What is something modest?  With this new information, I feel compelled to practice mindfulness, to practice presence.  To be attentive to my soul.  I was at first, but the longer I've been without a job, the more my focus has shifted back to "lack" and fearing scarcity.  Step Four goes on to say “Feel so sure of it that you don’t even need the outcome, because you feel as if you already have it.  Then watch and see.  Be open to all the ways in which your answer may come.  Your trust will be rewarded.”

The final exercise is to make a list of every desire of your soul that has been fulfilled in the past.  I hear it as my revisiting the ways God manifested in my life before.  Wow, there are too many to type.  My son going to college without my having to take out a loan.  Moving into my new home without debt.   I  yearned to know what it felt like to be loved, truly loved by a man and that prayer has been answered far beyond what I had ever known.  Even this moment--this purpose-directed moment--is in response to my soul’s desire.  

The corridor can make you lose sight.  You lose sight of all the times your soul’s desire was manifested.  I’m grateful for this reminder.  The anxiety has been in not  having a clear path or a clear picture of how all this is going to work out.  This glimmer of light has given me hope.  I am so grateful for that.    

A Time to Heal

Last night was the second meeting of those interested in being Camp Leaders for the local nonprofit, The Encouraging Place.  In a word?  Inspired.  To hear the experiences of the camp leaders, who so willingly shared their personal testimonies, reinforced that I was in the right place.  These are women who have dealt with life's tragedies and traumas but have come out with grace, compassion and yes, encouragement for all women.  Their honesty caused tears to well up in my eyes almost the whole time. 

Quite unexpected, I was reunited with one of the first employees at my ex-husband's company.  I didn't recognize her until she said her name.  This was a God moment.  I felt it in every fiber of my being.  Immediately, I knew what I had to do.  The facilitator told us to take a break and get something to eat.  I walked straight to her, hugged her, kneeled down and asked for her forgiveness.  She looked surprised and said, "Why?"  I told her that I knew it had been many years ago but I felt I owed her an apology.  She wasn't treated well by the company and, because I was a part of its leadership, I wanted to personally apologize.  Did I hurt her directly?  I hope I didn't.  But I remember how crazy things were back then.  To the employees, my ex-husband and I presented ourselves as a unit, so as such, I was just as responsible. 

What life is teaching me is this.  It's not whether you feel the other person is right or wrong; it's respect or regard for how that person feels.  As caring people, we should never want to cause anyone suffering. When we do want to retaliate, we have to check ourselves because we've entered on territory that, as a Christian, I believe is God's.  "Vengence is mine.  I will repay," the Bible says.  That's why I avoid saying to someone, "I'm sorry IF you felt I did something to hurt you."  You can tell by the discomfort between you, the look in their eyes, the person actually telling you or the regret in your own heart.  I didn't go to her out of guilt but out of Love and regard for how difficult it must have been for her.  And no, I didn't throw my ex-husband under the bus.  This wasn't about blame.  Besides, what would it have served?  It was totally about acknowledging her and whatever part I played.   That's what empathy is.  Putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

I thank God for that moment.  It was sacred.  For this gift, I am grateful.     

A Retraction to April 11, 2012 Blog

On April 11th, I wrote a blog where members of my family were used to illustrate a point.  I wrote about my cousin Jenny, my cousin Marvin, and my cousin Lawrence in particular.  I said they didn't reach their full potential.  That was a judgment on my part.  And it was wrong of me to make that judgment.  This blog is a retraction of what was written.  Without consideration for how what I shared would be viewed or even making sure of the facts that I shared, I wrote about what I had heard over the years or what was my perception but I never checked to make sure of the facts.  My family has made me aware that my account is not true. Even more importantly, their stories were not mine to tell.  I should have respected their memory and their immediate family and friends better.  I take full responsibility and own up to my error. 

To be honest, I don't know the details of my cousins' lives.  I only know how they made me feel.  Each one treated me with acknowledgement and respect.  I knew they loved me.  I felt accepted by them.  That is all that I really and truly know.  There were aspects of their lives and yes, even their deaths, that can't have been and shouldn't have been summed up in one or two sentences.  They mattered.  They mattered to our family.  They mattered to their community.  They each had a purpose that was bigger than what I realized at the time I wrote about them.  God holds each one near and dear to His heart.  And the full extent of their lives isn't in how they died but how they lived.  Each one taught me something.  Each of them, in their own way, taught me what unconditional love is all about.  They taught me compassion for the hurting and the suffering.  For this, I am forever impacted and grately indebted to them.   

Each person in our lives comes to teach us something.  Regardless of the length of the encounter, every detail I believe is carefully crafted by someone greater.  I call him God.  There is a saying, "what would Jesus do," that was very popular some years ago.  I believe that He expands our capacity to love more deeply and live more richly if we are open and willing.  In this moment of introspection, I am encouraged to be more mindful.  Mindful of how we live.  Mindful for how I use my pen.  Our lives are a testimony of who we are and who God is.  We can make a difference.  We can use the lessons that life is trying to teach us to become the best of who we are. 

I think about death sometimes and hope that by praying about how I'd like it to be--since I've been told that all of us have to go that way--I'll be able to exit with grace, leaving an impact of all whom I have touched.  Regardless of how it goes down, I hope that my life, the sum of it, won't be in how I died; but how I loved, how I forgave, how I became better as I learned better, how I made you feel, how I allowed God to use you, my friends, my family and my readers to bring out the very best in me. 

To Jenny, Marvin, Lawrence, and other family members who were hurt by what I wrote, my sincerest apologies.  I love you eternally. Rest in peace.