An Excuse To Start Living

Sometimes all you need is an excuse to start living.  As I reflect on the last couple of weeks, the last nine months, and the time before then, I've become aware of one thing.  I've not even tapped the surface of what it means to live life to its fullest.  I've always had trouble allowing myself to do things that weren't deemed practical, sensible or responsible.  Most of my life has been about helping others get to where they want to go.  However, I find it puzzling that doing something for myself evokes fear and guilt. 

My sister and I often talk about one image that concerns us both.  It is of my mom sitting in a corner eating her food alone.  There were always people in my mom and dad's home.  They were always feeding somebody or preparing plates to take to the sick.  When my older sister would come home and bring her friends, it was so exciting cause mom would cook as if she was preparing for a king.  My dad's big voice would boom over everyone else's as he welcomed our guests and told them not to be shy about eating.  I LOVED those sounds!  Everyone would gather around the table, talking, laughing, enjoying their meal and my mom would gladly serve.  We would tell mom to stop serving and come and join the rest of us but she would say she was fine. You can't imagine how I felt when I'd go into the kitchen and find my dear sweet mother, eating her meal in a corner.  This didn't happen just once.  It was the norm.

I shared with my sister my inner struggle with that corner thing sometimes.  It's like a scared little mouse running along the floorboards, afraid to come to the middle of the floor.  I see my friends traveling, buying houses, going back to school and getting promotions.  Even in this economy they are getting new jobs, moving to other states and making their dreams happen.  Some people are using their lay-offs to finally do what they've only dreamed of.  While stock prices are low, investors are buying them up so that when the market improves they will make millions.  "I don't want to live my life in a corner," I said. "I don't want to look up one day and see that I didn't allow myself to live life to the fullest."

When I filled out my online profile, one of the things I wanted was someone to do things with.  Things that I'd always wanted to do. Things that I enjoyed doing but didn't do often enough.  I needed an excuse.  Maybe an excuse would override the gravitational pull of the corner.  An excuse to go to concerts that I'd long to go to but not permit myself to go to.  An excuse to not just limit my beach trip to a day but to stay the whole weekend.  An excuse to actually go to a sports event rather than just watch it on TV.  Maybe with the help of a partner, I would stop reverting back to sitting in the kitchen in the corner and actually give myself permission to live.  Not just live in spurts, but to live fuller, richer.  And I did!  I went to Myrtle Beach, Virginia Beach, Charleston SC.  I went to the Chrisette Michelle/ Laura Izibor concert.  Went on my first picnic.  Drove a Ford Ranger for the first time.  Let my inner kid out at Adventure Landing.  I had never done that before.  

"I don't want to go back," has been my heart's cry since my relationship ended for most of these things I experienced were with my guy.  Now that the relationship is over, it's just me.  I had already decided that didn't want to go back to settling.  Settling for busyness just so I don't have to spend another day alone in my apartment.  Settling for unavailable men or Mr. Right Now out of boredom or loneliness or desperation. What I experienced in my relationship with King disspelled fears of abandonment, allowed me to experience what real coupledom feels like, and lifted me to new consciousness about life and love.  I am forever changed.  I can't go back.

So what's next for Suzette?  Teaching my heart to breathe again. To trust again.  Dismantling those triggers that cause me to go off - you know that angry with your hand on your hip, your finger pointed and your neck rolling.  Traveling by myself to places I've never been.  Just me and my camera are enough.  Discovering new, tasty dishes that are low carb.  Gots to reverse this pre-diabetic diagnosis.  Learning to swim.  I made progress with King's coaching but it's time to go the rest of the way.  Reading more fiction.  I've been a non-fiction buff but since reading Terry McMillan's Getting To Happy, I want to read more and even add audio books to my library.  Seeking home ownership.  In a year or so, I'll need the tax deduction.  Besides, the interest rates are so low.  So many incentives out there.  Now's the time.  Publishing more articles.  Sporting a sassy, coming-out hairdo.  Maybe a straw set, I dunno.  But it's got to be bodacious!  Doing some belated Spring cleaning and donating to local charities.  I hear the Food Bank needs nonperishables, especially for the holidays. 

I've given my heart time to grieve.  And I'm proud that God graced me to be confidently vulnerable.  It's the kind of vulnerablility that allows you to be honest and unashamed, not the kind that attracts sharks.  When I went to church today, I knew it was time to let go.  You see, the preacher took his text from the Book of Ruth where Ruth, Naomi and Orpah were at a crossroads.  Naomi was returning to her home country and she admonished her daughters-in-law to stay in their native land.  Though there was love and respect between them, and their hearts were grieved at the thought of parting, their present state forced a decision.  "There are some things that you have to kiss good-bye," the preacher said.  I've done that already, I thought.  But the truth is I had not fully let go.  But I realize that I've got to finish the rest of this Bucket List without him.

I'm ready now, dear Lord.  Attraversiamo.  Let's cross over into deeper and richer experiences together.