Changing My Experience of It

Image via Wikipedia

“Who do you want to be during this season?” my relationship coach asked me, after I gave her a blow-by-blow of the end-of-year stresses of bookkeeping, having not finished my Christmas shopping, the resurgence of hot flashes and fatigue, and yet another holiday season where I hadn’t taken advantage of the many activities going on in the community. Boy, that’s a mouthful. And trust me when I say, that’s just the cliff-note version.


Somehow my answer to her question is summed up in the words of the song, “I gotta be me. I gotta be me,” though I am being me.  Okay, wrong song.  I'm me, just me under a lot of stress. As I was eating my dinner last night, I became aware that the feeling in the pit of my stomach was the same panic I felt while married. Though I looked calm on the outside, inside was like a hamster running on that wheel thingy. You know, that thing that looks like a ferris wheel kinda. I can’t think of the name of it. It’s that feeling that makes you wanna throw a jar when you can’t quite get the lid off of it. Any difficulty makes you snap. (Note to self: do not attempt to fold a fitted sheet during this time, you might take the scissors and cut the dang thing up!)

Well, back to my session. I pondered what my coach asked. "I am responding more consciously," I reported. "That has not been sabotaged at all. It’s just taking sooooooo much effort to be professional and mature." When you’re overwhelmed or tired, it just becomes so hard. Though she applauded my strength under fire, she offered some very sound feedback. Truth is, I am at the end of my ability to cope. I needed to decompress...immediately.  That’s what I love about seeing my coach. She says back to me what I already know, but there is power in the hearing of it.

In that moment, I remembered that I am the only person responsible for me. Nobody else is going to do that.  People are all too consumed with themselves.  Not a criticism, just a fact. True, I am in a whirlwind mentally and emotionally right now. I feel like I'm being pulled apart, actually. But I have to find a way to decompress else the very thing I don’t want will happen—my experience of Christmas will be sabotaged. I refuse to allow that to happen.

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year and I ain’t tryin to say the lyrics to a popular Christmas song. It truly is for me. Always has been. Though there were dysfunctions and legalisms and I-don’t-fit-in-this-family feelings growing up, one thing was ALWAYS joyful—Christmas. Christmas was magical in my home. Mom would decorate the house with such abandonment. I especially loved the ceramic Christmas trees that were almost in every room. The smell of hot cinnamon buns cooking in the oven would make my mouth water. The aroma of our live Christmas pine.  There was so much excitement in the air. Dad wasn’t as critical. Mom wasn’t as stressed. It was a beautiful time. My sister, Fran, would be the first one to wake up and wake us up. So much joy at Christmas. And I’ll be darned (I wanna use a stronger descriptor but a euphemism will do) if like every year since I started working as a bookkeeper, my Christmas will be held hostage to the end-of-year craziness!

After my visit with my coach, I did what every self-respecting lover of Christmas would do.  I went shopping. Yes, I did. I decided to make a stand. I drew my line in the sand and dared anything to cross it.  The whole point of working from home was to have flexibility.  I had already worked 3 ½ hours before I went on errands. So, all I needed to complete my 6-hour day was 2 ½. more. Soooooo, I took some me-time. 

While returning an item at Target, I decided to schedule a hair appointment. Fortunately, my bestie hair designer in the whole wide world was able to work me in. She touched up my gray and added a shiny glaze to my overall hair color. LOVED IT! Just what I needed to lift my mood.

I awakened with this new-found resolve. Kinda reminds me of Ebeneezer Scrooge after his visit with the three spirit...lol.  Yes, I’m going to enjoy Christmas. And I ain’t waitin to be off work to do it. I’m going to get off this laptop and fix me a hearty breakfast. Then I’m going to get on my clothes and go on into work. I’m gonna log on to  Pandora radio station and play Christmas songs to my heart’s content. I’m going to smile and sing while I work. I'm going to leave on time for a change.  Tonight, I’m going to watch the X-Factor Finale and wrap gifts. And I’m going to take my time. I’m going to stop running on the wheel of life, like that hamster, and have some fun. 

I might can’t change what’s going on around me, but I can change my experience of it. There are times in our lives when we can't wait to put ourselves first.  We simply have to.  I refuse to allow someone else's agenda to rule my life.  Not now.  Not today.  Not this season.  It starts with me and trust me when I say, it’ll end with me too!