Four Mantras that Will Make A Difference in Your Relationships

During today's Super Soul Sunday on OWN, Oprah interviewed peace advocate and Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. There were so many nuggets from that interview. I should have grabbed my paper and pen earlier. I tell you, as I listened to him, my insides were pinging like the little ball in an arcade game it bounces around with bells and lights going off.

He talked about compassionate listening. It's listening to relieve the suffering of the other person. He said that when two people conflict--a good example is a squabble between friends or lovers--there is some suffering that fuels the intensity of the disagreement. What he suggests is taking yourself out of the argument and taking on the posture of compassionate listening. Your intention is different. It isn't to make your point. It isn't to bring clarity. It is to listen to the person's experience of that moment. During this time, you don't discuss your perspective. It's all about the other person. You talk about what's on your mind at another time. He said that if we would do this, it would make a difference in how we relate with others. And how we resolve differences.

Another nuggets was mindful walking. Mindful walking is taking steps and saying, "I have arrived" with each step. He says that as we take two or three more steps, say, "I am home, home, home." This keeps us in the moment. He reiterated what I already knew. This moment is all we have. Even Jesus says "take not thought for tomorrow." If we strive to find joy and gratitude in our present moment, tomorrow will have the same. Joy and gratitude.

This touched me. It's difficult to focus on the present moment when you want to start working. When your checkbook balance is decreasing, you can become overwhelmed with anxiety. How do we outlast the discomfort, acknowledge the miracle of the present moment. I am breathing. I am hearing. I am typing. I am being productive at this moment. I am typing something that will be released into the cyber universe. Someone will read these words and be awakened. This moment is a gift. In this moment, my needs are met. Sure, my money seems to be waning but it isn't gone yet. All my bills are paid. My mortgage is paid. My utilities are paid. I have food to eat. I don't even have to cook it. I can go downstairs without crutches or help. My two legs are working just fine. I can lift. I know where I am and what I'm doing. I am full. I am full of love. I am full of gratitude. My world is being transformed in my mindfulness. In my gratitude. In my appreciation of this moment. I am reminded of this by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Before he finished his interview, he shared four mantras that will make a difference in our relationships:

Mantra #1: "Darling, I'm here for you." When you love someone, your presence is the best thing you can offer them.
"Darling, you know something I’m here for you" should be the response of your beloved.

Mantra #2: "Darling, I know you are there and I am so happy." Their presence is very precious. Embrace your beloved with mindfulness. Recognize his/her existence.

Mantra #3: "Darling, I know you suffer that is why I am here for you." This is when your beloved is suffering.

Mantra #4: "Darling, I suffer. I am trying to practice [being present with you]. Please help me." This is when your beloved is the cause of your suffering.

All these mantras suggest a way to stay present with the person you love regardless of what pain, anger, disappointment, anxiety, mistrust, and other negative emotions you are feeling. What hearing this again reminded me of was you can't just be present with someone during the good times, or the times you're getting along. But when the other person is experiencing discomfort from their past or their present or they have done something that has brought you discomfort, true commitment requires that you stay present.

My boyfriend and I talked about what helped me when I was overcome with anxiety, insecurity and "suffering" in the early days of our relationship. What I didn't understand caused me "suffering." I feared where we were going. I feared his commitment to the relationship. I feared not being of priority. What he did that helped me with every insecure moment was (1) he never shamed me or blamed me for how I felt, (2) he was consistent in showing up and (3) his motivation didn't wane with challenges. If I told him what I needed to remain in the relationship, we examined the reality and he came up with what he could do to contribute to helping us. This has been consistent for a year and 3 months now. I felt truly heard. We women need that. I know we can be all over the place emotionally sometimes. Sometimes we can't give you a clear answer. Our man helps us by being a rock for us during those times. He gives us emotional support.

We recognize we have triggers that have the potential to contaminate our relationship.  We’re focusing on those apart from the other.  They are areas that we want to change in ourselves.  We also realize that we cannot hold the other person responsible for making us better. I'm grateful for having that level of compatibility in a partner. I am mindful and grateful.