Image via WikipediaWhy do we expect people to be different than they are and then act shocked when they do exactly what we knew they would do? Could that possibly be the protagonist to our drama-filled holidays?
Let’s be honest. We know our families. We know that they (whoever they are) are going to get on our last nerves. They are going to pick apart something. They are going to tell the same story they always tell. They are going to favor Boo Boo’s kids over yours. They always criticize. They always hate. They always argue. If asked, we can give a blow by blow of exactly what’s going to happen when we get there. So why do we get so upset about it?
To hear us vent, you’d think we didn’t grow up with these folks. Uncle Julian is going to drink too much and he’s going to start cussing about all of us being against him. He does it every year; yet everyone including you gets so upset about it. To this, I say, it is futile. Can Uncle Julian be any different? I know you want him to be but if you were to step outside of your emotions and look at this thing objectively, can anyone in your family be any different than they are?
They cannot help it. I know you want them to be different. You want them to be the ideal husband, the ideal wife, the ideal in laws, the ideal family. You want them to treat you the way you want to be treated. But that’s your script. It’s not theirs. Even if you agree on the principle, their practice may be entirely different from yours.
Let me ask you something: can you change who you are? I’m not talking about your hair color or your education level. I’m talking about who you are at your core. Your beliefs, your values. How do you feel when someone criticizes who you are? When they say you talk too much or that you’re too quiet. Does it make you feel put down? It’s no fun feeling like you got to be this way or that in order to be accepted. You might try to be different; but after a while, it breeds resentment.
If that’s how you feel, then isn’t it just as wrong for you to require that they be different? What makes your ideal better than their’s? Perhaps that’s the cause of your holiday drama. It’s not Uncle Julian. Uncle Julian is doing what Uncle Julian always does. It’s not your mother in law. You already know what she’s going to say or how you’re going to feel around her. There’s a word for hoping against hope that you can win someone else’s approval or that they’ll be different this time – denial.
Could it be that denial is what’s causing the drama? Regardless to how you’ve been treated in your family, people can only be who they are. Just because they are your family, your in laws, your child’s other parent, it doesn’t change who they are. As I see it, this holiday, you have two choices: One, to continue to allow the same drama into your heart and life or two, to have a change of heart.
Growing up, I had a love-hate relationship with my dad. Though he was the man I tried most to please, my dad was stubborn. He saw things in black and white. Shades of gray were not in his value system. As a result, his ideals and beliefs were very damaging to my very gray female spirit. I don’t blame him anymore. By the grace of God, I’ve forgiven him and he and I had some glorious years before he died. Nevertheless, when I was college age, I dreaded coming home for the holidays unless my sisters were going to be there. The internal drama I felt continued until one particular day. I remember it well. I was having my usual emotional back-and-forth when mom told me that dad wanted his children to come home. I remember praying loudly and bitterly about it. Then I remember telling God how it was too late. When we wanted him to be a part of our lives, he was too drunk or too churchy to do it. Now, he was older and wanted us to act as if the past umpteen years hadn’t happened. It’s too late. He lost that time with us and would NEVER ever get it back. I was incensed. I remember saying aloud, “all I wanted was my daddy. I wanted him to be there for me. All I wanted was for dad to love me.”
“He did love you,” I heard. It came out of nowhere. It was so profound that it was almost audible. Stunned, I stopped crying and I heard, “Loving you was NEVER the issue.” It was as if my ears opened up. For the first time, I heard with my heart that my dad’s behavior towards me was not due to a lack of love. He had plenty of that. He just couldn’t be anybody other than himself. He had his own struggles. He had his own demons. And sometimes that fight left him too bitter, too tired, too emotionally spent to be the father I needed. He did the best he could. That’s not a cop out. It’s a fact. That day, I accepted my dad for being who he was for the first time. And it was on that day I became free. I no longer needed him to be different in order for me to have peace.
Acceptance doesn’t mean that you think how your family members are or how they treat you is okay no more than forgiveness means it. It simply means that you accept them as they are. My mom and dad will always be my parents. They will always have the values and beliefs they have unless God himself changes them. Regardless, I can love them. And if you cannot love your parents for any other reason, they are the reason you exist. No other egg and no other sperm could have resulted in you. That’s enough reason to honor them.
Honor them, yes. Allow drama, no. Honoring someone doesn’t mean you have to do anything but honor them. Loving your parents doesn’t mean you are required to spend the holidays with them if it’s not a safe place. Loving your in laws doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to ridicule or put downs. It is more honoring to guard your love for them than to jeopardize it by putting yourself in situations that re injure you. You always have a choice. It may not be popular – seldom is – but it is absolutely and unequivocally your choice. You choose how you will spend your time and with whom. I use to tell my son this. “You can’t stop a person from swinging at you; but you certainly can duck."
As an adult, you are responsible for your own emotional health and well-being. You don’t put that in someone else’s hands. So, if you want a drama free holiday, be courageous. Stand for and with you. Let me clarify that standing is not mean-spirited or at the expense of someone else. It’s that you speak the truth in love. You say simply, “Mom/Dad, I love you. I have other holiday plans this year.“ And keep it moving. Choose other ways to show them you love them. Maybe you can take them in small doses or when there isn’t all that holiday pressure. Be creative. Be resourceful. But most importantly, take care of yourself.
Will everybody like it? Heck no. Some folks will think you’re being a brat. Some will think you are being selfish. Some will think you are just doing this for attention. At this point, however, what some think is not most important. It’s honoring them and yourself enough to choose to act like a grown up.
And if you decide to go home for the holidays, then stop whining. Again, put on your big boy pants and man up. Prepare yourself for what will happen and decide a self-honoring, empowered way to respond instead of copping an attitude and walking away the wounded martyr once again. Let’s be clear: martyrs of old were courageous not the walking wounded. Heal your wounds and be the change you want to see in others. It takes courage. It takes resolve. Trust me when I say that you can be that person. It took some years and some work, but it was well worth it. I learned that no drama started with me. In this case, I had to forgive my dad for not being who I wanted him to be and accept him as he was. When I did, it ended the internal drama and the holidays were no longer burdensome. When I ended the internal drama, my holidays became drama-free.
