Today I Smiled

Today I smiled
Thoughts of you filled my heart
With the rising of the sun a brand new start 
Tears of yesterday done
No cleaving
No grieving
Just joy
Unexplainable joy

Today I smiled
Stumbling, standing, growing, landing
At my destined place is where I'm standing
Cares of today none
No debating
No hesitating
Just free
Undeniably free

Today I smiled 
Stronger, happier, I now see
Forever changed by you and me
Fears of my future gone
No hiding
No denying
Just me
Unapologetically me

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Baby Steps

I've had  Leona Lewis' most current CD playing in the background for about an hour.  Wasn't a problem while I was preparing my meal but now that I've fixed my plate and sat down to eat, I've got to turn her off.  I love her voice, I truly do, but her CD is a compilation of pulsating and sometimes heart-wrenching love themes.  Some about passionately loving someone and the joy.  Others about how she's broken.  Still others lamenting that her man doesn't love her anymore.  I'm done.  I hit the stop button - click-up!

As I sit here eating, I have a chance to ponder my day.  I am grateful to have my energy back.  It's not because it's forced.  I'm not trying to make myself be anything that I'm not.  The energy is flowing on its own.  Thank you Jesus!!!!  Typically, I am not a sullen personality.  I am a high energy, optimistic, joyful spirit.  Being in social situations and surrounded by friends makes me as happy as a clam.  Feeling sad and temperamental is just not me.  Today was a good day.  Here lies the deception.  You think you are better.  So you start getting back into the swing of things.  Listening to the same music, watching the same TV programs, engaging in the same conversations with friends.  But you aren't okay yet. 

Reminds me of my tooth. Not the tooth again!  Okay, okay, I hear you.  I'll use another example.  It's like getting over the flu.  You start feeling better and, because you've been couped up and feelin so terribly, you are bursting at the seams to get out again.  You are so happy you overdo it.  Then you wake up the next morning feelin like... well...h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e!

Last night, I ate something crunchy.  I could chew on my left side.  Yeah!  Wow, I thought to myself, my tooth is healed.  So I ate as if everything was fine.  But today, it throbbed almost all day long!  Sorry, I couldn't help it, I had to slip that tooth thing in cause that's where I am. 

So it is with my heart.  I was just on the phone with a girlfriend.  I was energetic and she even commented that I sounded better.  But by the end of the conversation my energy had waned.  It's funny how men, relationships and the like are a commonplace discussion for us ladies.  Normally, the conversation would have been thought-provoking, discussion-worthy and would leave me feeling energized by the adrenaline-rush I often feel.  Relationships are my thing.  I read relationship books.  I write about relationships.  Even hope to have another one one day.  Having men and women in a room and listening to them talk about relationships is absolute heaven....normally.  Not this time.   

I've learned something very valuable tonight. For now, discussions about relationships, men, folks losing someone they love, dating experiences are not a good idea.   I'm still very sensitive.  I'm gonna have to take it easy.  Baby steps.

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An Excuse To Start Living

Sometimes all you need is an excuse to start living.  As I reflect on the last couple of weeks, the last nine months, and the time before then, I've become aware of one thing.  I've not even tapped the surface of what it means to live life to its fullest.  I've always had trouble allowing myself to do things that weren't deemed practical, sensible or responsible.  Most of my life has been about helping others get to where they want to go.  However, I find it puzzling that doing something for myself evokes fear and guilt. 

My sister and I often talk about one image that concerns us both.  It is of my mom sitting in a corner eating her food alone.  There were always people in my mom and dad's home.  They were always feeding somebody or preparing plates to take to the sick.  When my older sister would come home and bring her friends, it was so exciting cause mom would cook as if she was preparing for a king.  My dad's big voice would boom over everyone else's as he welcomed our guests and told them not to be shy about eating.  I LOVED those sounds!  Everyone would gather around the table, talking, laughing, enjoying their meal and my mom would gladly serve.  We would tell mom to stop serving and come and join the rest of us but she would say she was fine. You can't imagine how I felt when I'd go into the kitchen and find my dear sweet mother, eating her meal in a corner.  This didn't happen just once.  It was the norm.

I shared with my sister my inner struggle with that corner thing sometimes.  It's like a scared little mouse running along the floorboards, afraid to come to the middle of the floor.  I see my friends traveling, buying houses, going back to school and getting promotions.  Even in this economy they are getting new jobs, moving to other states and making their dreams happen.  Some people are using their lay-offs to finally do what they've only dreamed of.  While stock prices are low, investors are buying them up so that when the market improves they will make millions.  "I don't want to live my life in a corner," I said. "I don't want to look up one day and see that I didn't allow myself to live life to the fullest."

When I filled out my online profile, one of the things I wanted was someone to do things with.  Things that I'd always wanted to do. Things that I enjoyed doing but didn't do often enough.  I needed an excuse.  Maybe an excuse would override the gravitational pull of the corner.  An excuse to go to concerts that I'd long to go to but not permit myself to go to.  An excuse to not just limit my beach trip to a day but to stay the whole weekend.  An excuse to actually go to a sports event rather than just watch it on TV.  Maybe with the help of a partner, I would stop reverting back to sitting in the kitchen in the corner and actually give myself permission to live.  Not just live in spurts, but to live fuller, richer.  And I did!  I went to Myrtle Beach, Virginia Beach, Charleston SC.  I went to the Chrisette Michelle/ Laura Izibor concert.  Went on my first picnic.  Drove a Ford Ranger for the first time.  Let my inner kid out at Adventure Landing.  I had never done that before.  

"I don't want to go back," has been my heart's cry since my relationship ended for most of these things I experienced were with my guy.  Now that the relationship is over, it's just me.  I had already decided that didn't want to go back to settling.  Settling for busyness just so I don't have to spend another day alone in my apartment.  Settling for unavailable men or Mr. Right Now out of boredom or loneliness or desperation. What I experienced in my relationship with King disspelled fears of abandonment, allowed me to experience what real coupledom feels like, and lifted me to new consciousness about life and love.  I am forever changed.  I can't go back.

So what's next for Suzette?  Teaching my heart to breathe again. To trust again.  Dismantling those triggers that cause me to go off - you know that angry with your hand on your hip, your finger pointed and your neck rolling.  Traveling by myself to places I've never been.  Just me and my camera are enough.  Discovering new, tasty dishes that are low carb.  Gots to reverse this pre-diabetic diagnosis.  Learning to swim.  I made progress with King's coaching but it's time to go the rest of the way.  Reading more fiction.  I've been a non-fiction buff but since reading Terry McMillan's Getting To Happy, I want to read more and even add audio books to my library.  Seeking home ownership.  In a year or so, I'll need the tax deduction.  Besides, the interest rates are so low.  So many incentives out there.  Now's the time.  Publishing more articles.  Sporting a sassy, coming-out hairdo.  Maybe a straw set, I dunno.  But it's got to be bodacious!  Doing some belated Spring cleaning and donating to local charities.  I hear the Food Bank needs nonperishables, especially for the holidays. 

I've given my heart time to grieve.  And I'm proud that God graced me to be confidently vulnerable.  It's the kind of vulnerablility that allows you to be honest and unashamed, not the kind that attracts sharks.  When I went to church today, I knew it was time to let go.  You see, the preacher took his text from the Book of Ruth where Ruth, Naomi and Orpah were at a crossroads.  Naomi was returning to her home country and she admonished her daughters-in-law to stay in their native land.  Though there was love and respect between them, and their hearts were grieved at the thought of parting, their present state forced a decision.  "There are some things that you have to kiss good-bye," the preacher said.  I've done that already, I thought.  But the truth is I had not fully let go.  But I realize that I've got to finish the rest of this Bucket List without him.

I'm ready now, dear Lord.  Attraversiamo.  Let's cross over into deeper and richer experiences together.

I Trust You With My Heart

Hold up!  Is this a coincidence or is the Universe trying to tell me something?  I subscribe to two online relationship newsletters, right?  Well, on yesterday I received the Finding Soulmate Success newsletter from Dr. Ronn Elmore, author of How To Love A Black Man and No-Nonsense Dating.  It was entitled "How To Start Trusting Again."  Then 15 minutes later, I received my routine email from Paige Parker, author of ebook Dating Without Drama.  The title of her newsletter?  "Why You Should Never Regret An Ex."

As you know, I broke up with my boyfriend.  Sunday will make two weeks.  During this time, I've been really grieving the loss.  I decided early on that I would not be stuck in anger or denial.  Might not be the case for others, but for me, anger is a way to avoid sadness and disappointment.  It keeps me from feeling vulnerable and weak.  And denial?  It's a way not to feel like a failure.  

Ours was a different story.  I was treated well.  I have no regrets.   I don't feel like a failure so I don't feel the need for anger or denial.  We were well aware of what bothered us about the other.  But as with other relationships, there was so much potential there that we felt it was worth it to try to work through our differences.  That takes time.  I learned that you cannot truly give a relationship a fighting chance if you aren't 100% in.  So I challenged myself to throw away my exit plan and I am soooo glad I did. 

Both newsletters were about moving on.  Paige's encouraged that you not cheat yourself of the experience by regretting the time you spent in the relationship.  Most powerful was her response to an email from one of her readers.  A young lady had been seriously dating this guy for 4 years and they broke up.  "I am so sorry to hear about the ending of your relationship," Paige writes.  "I suspect that there were problems you just couldn't overcome as a couple."  Simple answer to the why that I struggled with in the dark.

This next part of her response is a little lengthy, but it brought even more perspective:

When you met your ex, you were a different person than you are today. You had certain needs, expectations, beliefs and dreams that drew you toward him. The connection you formed was
based on his needs, expectations, beliefs and dreams as well. You met each other right where you were "at" and formed a bond based on that.

As your relationship progressed, you and your ex began to evolve, but not necessarily in the same ways. Some of your needs, expectations, beliefs and dreams changed, and his did as well.
You may have grown...he may have regressed.

Without me knowing the details of your breakup, suffice it to say that, eventually, you and your ex came to a crossroads and could not meet each other on this new level. You ceased to understand one another like you once did and found it impossible to relate in the ways that you used to.

So you see, at the time you and your ex met, he WAS 'the one' for you...THEN.  You wouldn't have been ready for anyone else - even if the man you're meant to marry was standing right in front of you,
you would have chosen your ex.

That relationship taught you the lessons you needed to learn at this time - and because of it you know more about who you are and what you want and deserve out of life.

You are more evolved now and soon you'll be ready for the next relationship that will challenge you to grow... and ...the relationships that last forever are the ones where two people challenge each other to learn and grow while constantly rising up to meet one another at their new level.

Aw, how rich is that! Although I never felt like my time with my ex was wasted - quite the contrary - I struggled with how it ended.  I struggled with why one day we were saying how much we loved each other and in a moment, we were agreeing that we needed to break up.  When you can answer that question to your own satisfaction, it brings relief.  Peace. Your heart needs nothing more from the past.  It's ready to let go and move on.

This is usually where I stop.  Isn't this where most of us stop?  You feel such relief to the point that you feel you're alright now.  It's all good, you tell yourself.  Truth is, it isn't.  Your heart has to learn to trust again.   If not, your heart will close.  Instead of approaching romantic relationships open, willing and confident, you block true intimacy.  "The truth is, after a break-up, hearts tend to heal slowly. Sometimes, very slowly. It can take more than a minute, but eventually you start feeling (mostly) like yourself again. Then a BIG question comes up that you know you must ask yourself, yet you find it quite difficult to answer: Will I ever be able to trust my judgment about men and love again?” 

I'll be honest.  As I sit here right this minute, this is the furtherest thing from my mind.  I'm so emotionally spent that I don't feel the energy to contemplate it.  It's hard enough to get out of the bed, get dressed for work and go about the day-to-day requirements of life.  I stayed in my jammies all day.  I just wanted to stay in my house, work, write, watch TV and eat. I didn't want to go anywhere where people expect me to put on a happy face. I didn't want to go to another dating site. I don't want to even think about getting into another relationship.

Your Challenge. Your Choice.

Dr. Ronn writes, "Trusting your own judgment, trusting the next man, and trusting love again may seem too complicated and improbable for you to count on ever happening. But, not only CAN you do it—you MUST— if you are ever going to move forward again, toward your relationship goal, instead of staying forever stuck at the crossroads of 'Yes, I can' and ‘No, I can’t.' ”

As I read these words from the good doctor's newsletter, I realize that in order for my heart to be restored, I have to deal with the distrust that is invariably a byproduct of a break up.  If I don't, fear and distrust will be my constant companions.     

Lord help me.  Right now, I find this overwhelming.  The whole idea of moving forward makes me shaky and scared.  Nevertheless, I trust you with the timing.  I trust you with my heart.

Remove the Splinter, Heal the Wound

I contemplated going but I just didn't want to go. I was told that in order to benefit from the group, the participants needed to come to at least 5 meetings. But the idea of being in the room with that facilitator and those people just filled my heart with dread. It's not that I think I'm better or something. It's not even that I minimize my need for intervention. It's just that everyone seemed almost zombie-like.

Does managing your anger mean you cease to have a pulse?  Most of the folks were on medication and boy, you could tell!  Those who participated spoke in monotone.  They didn't look each other in the eye.  And the group was sooooooo structured. They had to read from a book. And if they shared their experience with anger, they had to follow some structured way of presenting. Arggghhhhh!  How can I manage my anger when being with these folks made me want to run down the street screaming like a lunatic?!

I like my passion. I like my animation. I like my voice inflection. I like that I laugh loudly and have a sense of humor. I can't believe that getting control of my temper means I have to go into a coma. I remember thinking to myself, I prefer the other approach to anger that I read before coming to this meeting. "Managing anger does not work and 'trying' not to be angry often ultimately makes the situation worse." I had typed the words "anger issues" in Yahoo search and came upon this website called Divinely Designed. Their belief was that anger is not something to be managed. Instead, find the root cause and remove it.

I remember telling my then-boyfriend that I knew exactly what sets off my temper.  The anger management group called them triggers.  The website referred to them as splinters.  When I am talking and keep getting interrupted, that frustrates me. I even have physiological responses when someone pushes me to do something I don't want to do or when someone uses a condescending tone or goes off on me. I can feel the irritation start at my neck and tighten at the back of my head. If I feel that my feelings are being dismissed or minimized or when an expectation is unmet, I feel my heartbeat get faster and my face become flushed. If I'm lied to or deceived, I not only become angry, I launch a full-scale verbal attack. Nine times out of 10, that's when I'll either throw you out or I'll leave in a huff.

When I really think about this, I have to admit that my anger makes me feel powerful. It's a way to defend myself against some perceived threat to my human rights, honor, value or abilities. As I continued to scroll through the website, something else caught my attention. "While the splinter is still in my finger, that spot is very tender and easily hurt.  But once the splinter is removed, then healing can occur.  When healed, my finger no longer over-reacts to being touched (or poked). In a similar way, there is some wound inside you that causes you to spontaneously, emotionally, react when someone pokes you with a sharp stick. "

If it was simply an external wound caused by a splinter, I could get some tweezers and remove it. I could apply alcohol and in time, the affected area would heal. But when it's an internal wound, it requires a spiritual antidote.  My prayer is Lord show me what the splinters are.  Let your Love get to the root of them and remove them.  Help me to find my power in you.

When God Doesn't Make Sense

St. John Chapter 11 gives an account of Lazarus.  Having been inspired by a sermon some months ago, I have reread this account of what many think is the greatest miracle performed by Jesus.  Although the sermon was about being released for a purpose, I saw something I had never seen before in all my years of hearing this story.

"His [Lazarus] sisters, therefore, sent to him [Jesus], saying; Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest, is sick."  Jesus loved Lazarus.  There was a relationship there that was so close that it was a known fact.  So can you imagine how shocked and disillusioned Lazarus' sisters must have felt when Jesus delayed coming for two days.  Jesus was less than two miles away.  Pastor Stepney really made it plain in his sermon.  Jesus could have easily walked the two miles to see about his friend and returned back to what he was doing.  Yet, Jesus stays put.  His friend is suffering and He stays put.  Lazarus' state is getting worse and Jesus stays put.  His breathing becomes shallow.  Jesus stays put.  The systems of his body are shutting down. Jesus stays put.  Lazarus is pronounced dead.  Jesus stays put.  His body is wrapped and prepared for burial.  Jesus stays put.  They have the funeral. Jesus stays put.  Sunrise, sunset for 3 days, no Jesus.

What do you do when God doesn't make sense?  When I was a little girl, I was told that if I "got saved" my life would be better.  If I lived a holy life, God would bless me.  My prayers would be answered.  God's love would cause the sun to shine and dispel the most dark day.  If I prayed to Him for help, He would come.  I don't know about you, but I can remember praying until I was weak and hoarse but my situation did not change.  In fact, it got worse.  When that happens, we are inclined to ask what we are doing wrong and bargain with God.  You've heard it.  "If you do these things for me, I'll be so careful...."

"And Jesus hearing it, said to them; This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God: that the Son of God may be glorified by it."  Interestingly, Jesus says this in verse 4 of that same Chapter.  Yet in verse 14, Jesus says "Lazarus is dead."  What's up with that?  I'm sure the disciples exchanged puzzled glances.  First Jesus says Larzarus is not going to die and then turns around and says he's dead. 

Didn't I hear from God?  Let me have a show of hands of those who have asked this question.  Okay, okay, that would be all of us church folk who pride ourselves on hearing God tell us to do this or to do that.  You said God told you to marry that man, but the marriage ended.  You said God gave you that job, yet you got laid off.  Who was wrong?  Since God can't make a mistake it had to be you, right? Tell that to the disciples.  If God is faithful.  If God is all-knowing.  Why?  Why would there be inconsistent messages.  When I ponder this, I have to put myself in the disciples' place.  They didn't have the Bible to read.  They didn't know that God had a plan bigger than they could fathom.

Like Lazarus' sisters, I've prayed to a God I knew loved me and had my best interest at heart, but he didn't come.  More than once, I've made specific prayers, thought God answered them, but then the outcome was different from what I expected.  I know that the trial of my faith is more precious than gold, but come on!  What do you do when it doesn't make sense?  

I personally have no answer.  Nevetheless, when Pastor Stepney preached this, he made two points that I think apply really well here.  God wants to reveal himself to you was his first point.  In the story, God reveals himself as The Resurrection.  Death was of no consequence.  To the point, it might look like it's too late; but God's timing is perfect.  Not perfect to you, but perfect to Him.  His second point was God wants to be glorified on Earth.  In short, sometimes what's happening to you isn't for you at all.  It's so that someone else can witness the miracle and be encouraged.  Makes me look at what's happened in my life differently.

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I Am His Strength Made Perfect

Before I could open my eyes good, You were there to greet me. Good morning, God. "You are weak," You said. I had been trying not to deal with it. It wasn't that You called me weak, you were only reminding me what someone else said. And those words had been silently taunting me since they were spoken. Some things roll right off my shoulder but something about that opinion caused me pause. Am I weak? I pondered. What do you believe? You asked.

In times past when faced with these daunting questions about myself, I would automatically start sifting through relics from my past for answers. You know those boxes you keep in storage behind the Christmas tree ornaments and seasonal clothing: how I was parented, what my daddy said to me, my strict upbringing, relationships gone bad. Those were the normal bags I'd pull out of storage and go through. Ah yes, and those boxes closer to the front: what I dealt with in my marriage, post-empty nest singleness.  I call that my "now what" box.

Not this time. What I believe has to do with my now not my then. For I have grown into the Wiser me, much like a 2 year old foot grows into a size 10 shoe. Actually, my shoe size is a 6 1/2, but you get my point.  I've nurtured the wounded child, educated the naieve adult, de-stigmatized the divorcee and become comfortable in my own skin.  So instead, I look in my big gurl closet – the one in my bedroom - for the answer. I look among the clothes that I have hanging now. Yes, those Misses size 6's that fit me perfectly.

This garment is my favorite! When I hold this one up to me, I think I'm my most radiant. The parenting of my son. I raised a fine young man. And though my role has changed, my son still considers me a safe place.  Ummm, I love that Golden color.  Looks good against my skin.  Next outfit. Yes, my favorite work outfit. I have a great job. I work flexible hours, work from home 2 days out of the week and pretty much go and come when I please. It didn't just happen though. I was assertive and it paid off.  On this hanger is compassion. Feels like silk.  It was tested when a family member rejected me and said it was my fault.  I could have pointed out her faults in retaliation  Instead, my Silky Self recognized her pain and responded with empathy. 

Oh yeah, this sweater. As I run my fingers along its fabric, it is a little more coarse than the others. Not my favorite piece cause it doesn't feel very good. It's called admitting when I'm wrong. I don't like this one that much but I've had to wear it a few times. Humility. I put this garment on just this past Tuesday morning, in fact. I admitted that my temper gets the best of me sometimes.  Those hidden triggers that cause me to go on the attack. They've been there for a long time. I've minimized them, even thought I was better, cause normally I'm a pretty cool person. But ooh-we, when someone detonates one of those suckers, KABLAM! That is a problem.  My Wise Self knows that it needs to be dealt with now.  So, after I apologized, I found an anger management session in town and went that same night. 

Now I have to be honest.  When someone you love is critical, even if it's constructive, it doesn't feel good.  I use to take what someone said to me and defer to their opinion of me.  Not any more.  I've learned over the years to appeal to the Spirit of Truth, the Wise Counselor, the All-Knowing God who Created me and makes no mistakes.  What others say might be true, but only His opinion is The Truth. 

When I went to the endodontist and was silently struggling, my Creator sent his answer through two unlikely people.  I couldn't stop crying. I had gotten a needle in my gums and it was as if my heart resounded its pain in response.  It was then that the Asian dental assistant said to me "You cry. You have soft heart. That's good. So many woman trying to be so strong. Keep pain, hurt inside. Not good. Think crying is weakness. Tears are gift. Cleanse soul. Heal heart." She patted me and said, "cry and you will heal."  She wiped my tears. No one in the room but her and me. Then the endodontist came in to check to see if I was numb enough. During the root canal, he exclaimed, "You are a strong woman! With your tooth this inflamed, I don't see how you could have functioned as long as you did. A week? Most folks couldn't have done that." The dental assistant agreed. "You're a tough little cookie!," he said.

In the final analysis, it's the Truth of your words that speak the loudest.  And let's say, worst case scenario, I am weak.  Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.  That's Your answer even for that. Sooooo, I guess you could say I am your strength made perfect.  Perhaps even, this is my anger management: I don't have to retaliate. Simply stand in your strength.