Taking Care of the One Who Once Took Care of Me

Who would have known that days following my declaration of a new chapter in my life, purposeful living would involve my mother.  These few weeks since my last blog post have been very enlightening to say the least.  You see, my mom has been a caregiver to her husband for the last eight-something years.  Like most folks who aren't a part of the day-to-day struggle, I grossly underestimated the toll this was taking on my mom.  A weekend visit, coming home for the holidays or taking a day off work for this or that was the jist of my involvement--with an occasional call to see how she was doing or to tell her she needed to take care of herself.

I'm not proud to admit that those were just necessary platitudes, but I really didn't want to involve myself any more than that.  I justified it by lamenting  that there was nothing I could do.  Truthfully, if I were to be really really honest, I felt put-upon by my mom's decision to marry this man.  He wasn't my father so I owed him nothing.  And as long as she chose to stay with him, there was little that anyone could do.  This was plausible, but Truth looks for what's real.  And what's real is I resented him for not being forthcoming with my mom about his condition and I resented her for being so quick to marry him and thereby putting us all (her family) in this impossible position of watching her suffer without being able to do a dang thing about it. 

It wasn't until I came home to accompany her to the doctor that I got a rude awakening to just how severe her situation was.  She had had eye surgery and just as I was about to pack up and leave from doing my daughterly duty, I asked her if she had anyone to stay with her.  She said "no."  It was at that moment, that I saw how vulnerable she was.  She had masked it pretty well before this, saying she was doing fine during our weekly telephone chit-chats.  But this time, there was no "fine" in her eyes.  All I could see was a plea.  "Suzette, please don't leave me," was the cry of her countenance.

I took off my coat and told her I'd stay.  I stayed and allowed my once eyes wide-shut to remain open.  Love insisted on compassion instead of judgment.  I watched her with fresh eyes.  I watched her nonstop caregiving from putting a towel around her husband's neck to make sure that food wouldn't end up all over his clothes when he attempted to feed himself.  I saw her attentiveness to his needs both spoken and anticipated only to be constantly called for no reason.  I saw her coach him to do even the smallest things as one would a child being potty trained or learning to tie his shoes or dressing himself for the first time.  I saw the tired stare in her eye and the unsteadiness of her gait from not getting any sleep because her husband was up and down throughout the night.  I saw her fatigue when the health care tech failed to show up and she had to get him dressed unexpectedly before going to her own doctor appointment.  I saw her resolve, without regard for her own frailness, to brace him so he wouldn't fall down.  I watched as she and her sister went through their normal routine of putting on coats and hats to assist the driver in loading him into the transportation vehicle so he could go to adult day care.  Even as we sat in the waiting room at the doctor's, her mind was whirring with if she did this or if she had forgotten to do that.  We even stepped out of the waiting room so she could call her sister so she could make sure.

My insides wept.  When I got my mom home, I asked her to stop and rest.  In fact, I told her I wasn't leaving until I had her safely tucked in.  "Ma," I said.  "You won't be able to rest if you sleep in your room.  It has all that hospital stuff in there.  Sleep in the guest bedroom."  She agreeably laid on the bed and I pulled the covers up over her.  Her trust was so childlike in that moment.  I kissed her on the forehead fighting back tears and did one final check of things before leaving to drive back to Raleigh.  She had unknowingly left the stove top burner on low.  She has a gas stove.  This was the moment when reality hit me right between the eyes.  Had I not been there and that burner had somehow blown out...oh my God.  The thought was terrifying.  This can't go on, I whispered to God.  Something has to be done.  Show me how to help.

Suzette - The Next Chapter

Today, February 22, 2012, starts my next chapter. Actually, it’s February 23rd and I tried to post this yesterday but blog kept thinking and thinking and it just stopped.


Okay, back to topic. I’ve started my new chapter. No pictures of exotic locations or breathtaking scenes from other countries like in Eat Pray Love. Though it might spark more interest and make me a New York Times bestselling author like Elizabeth Gilbert, such is not what this journey is about. It’s about rediscovery. It’s about honoring your authentic heart. It’s about doing what you have to do because you simply have to. Maybe that’s why my first day assumed a posture of stillness. I rolled to the edge of my bed, raised my blinds and watched the sunrise. Snapping pictures of the rust colored hue setting itself apart from the rest of the sky announcing that the sun was rising until the sun rose big and bright above the trees, I marveled at the grandness of the moment. I’ve seen the same trees and blades of grass for a while now but there was something different today. There was a quiet grace to it, statuesque and reverent.

This theme has been the backdrop for my entire day. I could hardly wait to get outside the house and breathe in the air outdoors. There is something about the feeling of the sun on my face and arms and the breeze gently caressing me that I absolutely adore. Granted, I get the jitters when a bug flies by my head or an insect crawls out of grass, so I’m not a hands-on type. Rather, I’m a stand-in-awe-of-it lover of nature. Something about the trees reaching majestically towards the sky and puffy clouds floating ever so slowly overhead that brings me such comfort and a sense of calm.

It was out of this restful state that I wrote some ground rules for this new adventure with God. I call it rules for the journey. First, I will not do anything that the truest part of me doesn’t want to do. This month is completely and purely about honoring my authentic soul. No apologies to anyone. Second, I will attend to my health. Whether it’s eating early enough that I don’t suffer heartburn and reflux during the night or participating in some type of fitness, I will up my game on self care. I’ve been quite sedentary for a while. A desk job will do that to you. I can’t put all the blame on that though. To be honest, I haven’t felt much like moving since Lawrence died. I do have bursts of energy; but for the most part, I’ve felt little motivation. If it doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna see if there is something medical happening. At my age, it’s hard to know whether it’s perimenopausal, residual grief or some warning that something more serious is happening. In the meantime, however, it’s time to get moving. My Wise Self requires it. I began today by walking for 20 minutes in the park. I also went to an onsite community center and got a schedule of events. I found that for just $5 per session, I can Hip Hop dance or take a Zumba class; and for $2 a day, I can enjoy the exercise equipment in the fitness room. Sweet!

Though my day has been very good, I am concerned about the fatigue I’ve been feeling. I have periods of tiredness that come from nowhere. With so much in the news about women and heart attack symptoms, I think I’ll make an appointment with my doctor. In addition, I had an interesting anxiety experience. While I sat in the car, staring out my window, I felt fine. But when I thought of getting out of the car to take a short walk, I felt hesitation. That’s soooo strange. I LOVE walking. Nonetheless, I had to talk myself into getting out the car and going for a walk. I don’t understand that. As easy as that should have been, it felt like a magnet was holding me inside the car. Normally, I don’t feel that type of anxiety unless I’m about to spend money. Might not have been related but it sure felt the same. In abject defiance, I flung open that car door and willed my legs to move and body to follow. Once I got moving, I was okay.

Today only reinforced what I believe this month is all about. It’s about de-stressing. It’s about giving myself permission to enjoy life and to throw caution to the wind. I have heard that with age there is a sense of your world getting smaller. I don’t want that to happen to me. I want to see life as full of possibilities. I don’t want that to change no matter how long I am blessed to live. I want to love without fear, stay active and color outside the lines. It’s about living. It’s about thriving. And though it’s probably insignificant to anybody other than me and God, it truly is a walk of faith. Faith that God doesn’t just forgive sins but beckons us to walk on water, to defy the odds, to silence the naysayers most times inside my own head. I believe that’s part of a life well lived. While doing my usual morning email check, I came upon a website that asked that I describe my life in 6 words. I wrote, “surviving no more, thriving no less.” What a fitting title for this next chapter of my life! And so it is.

Now

Pretty impressive! I just took the typing test for SPEAKWRITE and passed it on the first try! The minimal typing requirements were 65 wpm (words per minute) at 90% accuracy. I scored a whopping…drum roll, please…71 wpm at 97% accuracy. And I wasn’t even fully awake or really trying hard. I was sitting up in my bed with my laptop placed on top of a pillow on my lap when I took the practice tests and then the real one.


SPEAKWRITE is one of a few lauded work-from-home jobs featured in a WRAL article. Allowing my curiosity to guide me during this next phase of life, I read a little about it and was intrigued. It hires contractors to type general and legal transcription for various companies. This took me back to those days in high school where you took Typing as one of your electives. I loved the rush of typing madly for timed typing drills to see how many words per minute you could do with little to no error. This skill has served me well over the years. In fact, it helped me to leave the shall we say drudgery of an eyeglass-blocking job, my first employment post-college, and put me on a brighter path to growth and potential. I know in these days being a secretary is not usually one’s first pick of a career path, but back in my day, it was a respectable job. Definitely way more desirable than blocking eyeglass lenses with a contraption that resembled a straightening comb heating dock. I wasn’t very good at it. Go figure.

This morning, while checking my personal emails, I came across an article written by Peter Bregman, contributor to various respected news and premier organizations and author of 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done. It was “Find Your Sweet Spot – and Stay There.” This article was one of multiple clues I’ve been getting from the Universe over the years that there’s something more out there for me. My God, what is my sweet spot? I’ve been so far off my sweet spot for years. Just recently, I confessed to my boss that most of my life and my career choices have been about survival, not about thriving...except once.

I took a leap, hoping to land in what I felt was my sweet spot. My son will remember. He was in high school and I was a substance abuse counselor. I was working crazy hours and running an office singlehandedly in Garner for its parent agency in Raleigh. It was exciting at first and I’ll admit it was quite an ego-boost. Here I was a new hire and was given such an opportunity, but it wasn’t long before I realized it wasn’t all it was cracked to be. As I reflect on my path, I had obtained an associates degree in Human Services with a specialization in substance abuse. I thought I had finally found the entrance, albeit through the back door, to counseling. You see, I had previously sought to get a Masters Degree in Counseling from a local university but was denied as I had been out of college for more than 10 years. What a way to thumb my nose at them and show off how a God yes trumps any "no."

Sounds good doesn’t it. What a backdrop for a foot-stompin testimony at a church gathering or a success story for an African American woman from a small rural town! Though I was effective and my performance praised, one encounter changed everything--well, two actually, but I’m only going to talk about one. After the conclusion of my weekly substance abuse group, a group member asked to speak with me privately. I consented. He said to me, “Miss Hinton, you’re not safe in this office. I live in this neighborhood and you working here by yourself just ain’t safe.” The blood left my face. In that moment, I really paid attention to the inklings I had but dismissed. Inklings like there was only one way in and out of our second-floor office suite. Further, my office was sequestered on the opposite end of that entire second floor in a corner. I was a sitting duck! No buzzer underneath my desk if I was in trouble. No exit not even a fire escape. Small windows. And oftentimes, especially on group nights I was there until 9:30 or 10 at night, often approaching my car in a dimly lit parking lot. Eewwwwwwwwwww. With this heightened sense of urgency, I asked my supervisor to employ some safeguards or to return me to the Raleigh Office. Needless to say, my urgency wasn’t his.  After almost a month of nothing done, I submitted my resignation.

Barraged with thoughts of impending doom yet equally challenging thoughts of lack and poverty from not having another job lined up, I was in a state of absolute torture. Seemed that either decision was the wrong one. What to do? What to do? It was during this time that the idea of life coaching came up again. It had flirted with me in the past and here it was again. I decided to search online to see what opportunities were there. First, I asked around for the name of local life coaches.  I asked them about how they got trained and transitioned into their coaching careers. This led me to an online opportunity to become a certified life coach. I knew it was more in line with what felt right.  Rather than deal with a population that didn’t want my help, I would have clients who sought my help. Rather than dealing with mental health, alcohol and drug abuse issues, I would help clients achieve their life goals.

Weeeeell, things didn’t go as I thought. Even though I graduated from the online program, put up a website and wrote articles to drive traffic to my website, I got no bites. I was faithful to this for three months but when money started to run out, I chose the path most taken. I went online and applied for bookkeeping jobs. Yep, I was in survival mode again. I had a son to take care of and needed a “real job,” so I succumbed. As I reflect, I find it interesting and almost poetic that I find myself in the same place almost six years later. This time it isn’t physical safety that’s at stake.

Shall I continue to pick jobs based on survival or shall I risk it all for a belief that there is something more? That’s what’s at risk for me. Shall I allow my authentic soul to lead this time instead of fears parading as good sense, wisdom or being responsible when underneath it all I don’t trust myself? When I’ve told people that I’m leaving my job, they’ve asked me what I’m going to do. Truth is, I don’t know. I'm leavin that up to God.  All I do know is this:  if I don’t take a flying leap—now--I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

A Love Story

I can’t allow Valentine Day to come and go without talking about the man in my life – Robert Vearnon. Robert whom I adoringly call Carm. You’re probably thinking that Carm has absolutely nothing to do with the name Robert. And you’re very right. There is definitely a reason behind it that I’ll choose to keep to myself.
Carm and I met January 2011. We actually met online and what impressed me most was his motivation to meet. Believe me when I tell you, that was not the norm. I don’t know if guys hang out online just to have virtual relationships…lol…but it was like pullin teeth to have a face-to-face. To me, it ain’t real until I see you in person. So, within two days of saying “hello” online, we decided to meet at Caribou Coffee. We still meet there from time to time just to reminisce.

Immediately, Carm and I hit it off. We had the same kind of comedic timing. If I said something witty, he would respond in kind. I found that intriguing. I also felt very comfortable around him. He had a laid-back comfort that I had not seen in past dates. He wasn’t pretentious—not at all. After some ice breaking talk, I asked him why he was on the dating site. He said he was there to meet new people. Not certain of whether we were looking for the same thing, I pressed further for clarification. I mixed no words in telling him my intention to meet someone I could have a satisfying long relationship with, annnnnnnnnd I didn’t think we were seeking the same thing.

As I thanked him for his time, Carm clarified that he was looking for something long-term too. He just wanted to take his time to get to know a person rather than making it all about the goal. “Ohhhhhh,” I said. He was smart to clarify cuz this gurl was about to walk away. He told me later that he realized in that moment that I was exactly what he had been looking for: a woman who wasn’t playing games but was honest about what she wanted. He won’t about to let me walk away.

Within a day or so, he contacted me to ask me out on an actual date. Ohhhhh how I loved how he asked me out!! It went something like him asking me if I was available on Friday or Saturday that weekend. He had two places in mind that he felt would be good. He described them both, invited me to pick which one I wanted or suggest something else. I chose Beyu Café. I’m so glad that I did. When describing our date only one word captures it adequately - magic. The atmosphere, the food, the live band, the whole night - magic. I was downright giddy, grinning all the way home!

Everything was going well, until. Until he didn’t call. That’s when insecurities and fears got the best of me. You see, I had read the book, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Greg Behrendt cautions that a man isn’t that into you when he can go for more than 48 hours after a date before he calls you. To me, the date had been so wonderful I was surprised and disappointed when he didn’t call. One day went by, no call. I was able to justify that to myself without a problem. Another day went by and no call. Not so easy. By the third day, I called him and invited him to President Obama’s State of the Union but he declined. I was sure that he was feelin just so-so about me and I was too far from the so-so to pump the brakes. Feeling disappointed and scared, I didn’t even pay any attention to the fact that he said he’d be interested in going if it were earlier. All I heard was “he’s not that into you.” Determined not to be undervalued, I ended the relationship. He resumed dating other women and I, other men. In later conversations, we found that we were not satisfied with the people we went out with. After three weeks to a month, I felt compelled to call Carm. I had to apologize to him. I had no other agenda but to let him know that he was a good man and the truth about why I ended things. I… was… scared--point blank.

I can honestly say that, when I called him, I wasn’t expecting for us to get back together. I thought it was too late. Nevertheless, I wanted him to know that he wasn’t to blame, that he was a good man and that I’d not be so quick to abandon the next one. He was so gentle with me, listened without interrupting and then asked, “do you want to try again?” The rest is history.

Thank you, Carm, for making this the best Valentine Day ever. Can’t wait to continue our celebration tomorrow ;)

If There's Even the Slightest Chance of Success, I Gotta Take It

Have you ever been between a rock and a hard place? Damned if you do and damned if you don’t? Backed against the wall and feeling hit from all sides, or worse what’s bullying you is so big that it overcasts even the good things happening in your life? Not a good place to be…..or is it?


There is a story in the Old Testament of the Bible about four lepers. Speaking in the voice of a preacher as he clears his throat, takes a sip of water and tells the awaiting congregation, “Those who have their Bibles, turn with me to 2 Kings 7: 3-8. If you have it, say ‘Amen.’”

Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die? If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.” At dusk they got up and went to the camp of the Arameans. When they reached the edge of the camp, not a man was there, for the Lord had caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army, so that they said to one another, “Look, the king of Israel has hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!” So they got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys. They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives. The men who had leprosy reached the edge of the camp and entered one of the tents. They ate and drank, and carried away silver, gold and clothes, and went off and hid them. They returned and entered another tent and took some things from it and hid them also.

I’m fascinated by this story. There is something so captivating here:  If there is a probability – no matter how small – of success, then I gotta take it.

To fill you in on what’s been going on with me, I told my boss last Tuesday that I was leaving the company. This was no easy decision. Let. Me. Tell. You. If you’ve been following my blog, you know I've been dissatisfied for a looooooong time. But you know how it goes. On the one hand, you tell yourself at least you got a job. All these people out here with more credentials and degrees than you and they can’t find a job. You tell yourself you need to stop complaining and be grateful for what you have. “Besides, you old gurl. You 52 years old. And you know how much your health insurance skyrocketed when you turned 50.” Yet, on the other hand is this just-as-certain voice that says, “Gurl, you can’t stay in this job. You so worn out you can hardly get out of bed to even go to work. You’re miserable.” Being caught between two opposing opinions is like being squeezed to death. You can’t breath. You can’t move. It’s awful!

I couldn’t rest. Even while I was on sick leave, grieving the loss of my cousin, I couldn’t fully grieve the way I needed to because I was worried about my job. I was worried about the load of work awaiting me when I returned. I was worried that deadlines would be missed. Yet, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, incapable of doing a darn thang about it. I begged God to help me. I was under siege.

I know you’re waiting to hear how God saved the day, right? Well, He did but not in the way you’d imagine. Rather than deal with the decision, he zeroed in on the fear, doubt and intimidation that had me in a chokehold. I didn't trust myself.  He knew that was more mammoth than any decision.  “You and I were an indomitable team, weren’t we?,” He said, reminding me of how we masterfully navigated the whole homeownership process. In that moment, I realized that, though the homebuying process had its own chills and thrills, God and I navigated every single aspect of it and did it brilliantly if I must say so myself. Peace came. No more torment. Even in the midst of grieving my cousin, I felt myself expand larger than what was trying to squeeze the life out of me. The decision wasn’t the most important thing. It was knowing that God and I were an indomitable team.

So, yes, I told my boss that I was leaving the company. Do I have another job to go to? No. I don’t know what I will be doing. Could I be out of my ever-lovin mind? I might very well be. I’ve been known to make a hair-brained decision from time to time. Despite this being true, here I am again. Though I tried to take the responsible, not-rock-the-boat approach by trying to find a job before giving my notice, I knew that I couldn’t delay my decision any longer. It’s scary as all get-out; yet as exciting as all get-out just the same. All I know is this: God and I have navigated every twist, turn and kerfluffle of my life. He’s been my biggest fan, never damning me for my choices but applauding me for taking the risk. Always there to lend his unwavering support. Who wouldn’t serve a God like that! Soooo using the deductive reasoning of my friends the four lepers, this is what I decided: If I stay at the job, I’ll not be fulfilled and there is no potential for fulfillment. At least not to date. If I don’t make a decision, my indecisiveness will subject me to more suffering, I’ll darn sho not be fulfilled. If I leave my job, all those terrifying might-happens might happen. I might fall flat on my face, this is true. Just the same, if there’s a chance, the slightest chance that I might be successful, I gotta take it.

Are You Living Intentionally?

Are you living intentionally? Reminded by something Cheryl Richardson said during Lesson 24 of Oprah’s Life Class: Newton’s Third Law, I had an encounter with that very question. You see a lady in the audience asked Cheryl the difference between having the intention and having the dream. With poised insight, she responded by saying, “The intention comes from a soulful place. The wish [dream] usually comes from something not working in your life. For instance, I wish I’d meet a partner because I’m lonely and I don’t feel comfortable living alone. I wish I would win the lottery because I’m in debt. My prayer becomes ‘if this is in the highest and best interest for me and those around me then please allow it to happen.’ It’s a humble way of saying that it’s not just about me and what my head thinks, it’s about me and this greater energy, this greater creative force.” This was the last thing I heard before going to bed and its relevance to my life greeted me first thing this morning. Oprah calls it an aha moment. Eckhart Tolle calls it consciousness. The Bible says, “as the light shines, walk therein.”


I've been in an unsettled place. You know that place where you say emphatically I can’t go back to something. Then, as the time to return draws near and you can’t see another way, you start backpedaling? I was in that space. With Lawrence’s death, some things in my life that were barely tolerable became intolerable. I said I couldn’t go back and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Despite this, it seemed that God wasn’t cosigning on it. So you ask yourself if it’s truly intolerable or if you can squeeze out just one more coping strategy to stay. It’s not that you want to, but you don’t see any other way out.

For weeks, I’ve begged for the escape. I even saw my writing or life coaching as the escape. Repentance came quickly though because you don’t want to saddle something that comes from a pure place with the wishfulness that Cheryl says comes from something not working in your life. Though I hate the circumstances, I needed this break from everything. As I described it to my grief counselor, "all my marbles in my container were scattered and Lawrence's death broke the container." I needed a Selah, a place of rest.

Out of resting came clarity. Was this coming from an egoic need to escape or the demand my calling was placing on my life? From the time I entered high school, my parents and even my larger environment said that I needed to go to college to get a good education so I could get a good job. Throughout my employable years, I’ve allowed that conditioned thinking to lead me into majoring in a field of study that I had an aptitude for and seeking employment in that field. I was never passionate about it.  We weren’t raised to be entrepreneurs or to think outside that conditioned path despite how talented, gifted and creative we were. We were always told what we couldn't do, not what we could do. Today, I was challenged with the disparity between that conditioned thinking and my life intention.

So how do you move from conditioned living to intentional living? It takes an awakening, first and foremost. Some sleeping part of who you really are has to be awakened. That’s why I know there is a God, A Greater Consciousness, A Wonderful Counselor at work in us. Some think that you don’t have access to Him unless you get saved; but there are too many examples to the contrary. I believe that when Jesus died, He reconciled mankind back to God and when the veil in the temple was torn in two, it gave anyone access to Him who was open and had an ear to hear. Else I don’t think the Dalai Lama, Gandhi, or other ambassadors of peace of different faiths would have such an intimate understanding of spiritual principles described as "the fruit of the spirit" in the Bible.  Many of them model kindness, humility, self control, and other fruit better than those of us who claim to know God. I know that what I am saying may irk many of my Christian friends; but even the Bible says that you know a tree by the fruit it bears. Moreover, an evil tree cannot produce good fruit. So if the fruit of someone’s life is good, it challenges the lens through which we see our fellowman. I’m just sayin.

Anyway, I digress. What I was awakened with was a reminder of what my life intention is and the areas in my life that weren’t in alignment with that intention. So what is your life intention Suzette? I’m so glad you asked me. My life intention is to recover my authentic soul (wholeness), to build a supportive environment to nurture it and my calling is to offer that to others seeking to do the same. I believe that’s my assignment in this life. In accordance, everything has been held to that intention. Some people I clung to were ripped away, some things I involved myself in had to cease, some baggage that I carried had to be abandoned and some beliefs long held had to be changed, all because a Greater Will was preserving a future I had not arrived at and a calling I had not fully heard. I can continue to rest knowing that God is mindful of all that concerns me and has every intention to bring me into abundance.

Related articles

• The Year of Living Intentionally (sdawson726.wordpress.com)

He Is The Resurrection, You Know

"Grief simply means you have loved well."

"Your grief is in proportion to how much someone or something meant to you."

Of all the responses given by Elizabeth Lesser, a guest author who frequented Oprah’s Soul Series and panels, these words have provided me with a quorum of comfort today. I’ve got to tell you, this period of mourning has been different from any I have ever experienced for one chilling reason. I have spent most of my time alone. I know there are some people who would envy me the fact that I haven’t had to deal with all the background noise that usually accompanies death: family drama and folks coming by that you have to entertain graciously when all you want to do is climb into a dark hole and disappear.  Nevertheless, it's been hell.


Elizabeth goes on to say that one does not grieve well in the 3 days most jobs give you. Grief takes much longer. If you don’t take the time, what’s unsolved emotionally will fester under that persona of functionality and poison you like a cancer that pollutes everything in your life. Most employers and sometimes even people you come in contact with don’t understand that. They want to end their own discomfort by rushing you. Why? Why are people so intimidated by pain? Produce, produce, produce is shoved down our throats from an early age. Live long enough and you’ll find there are some things that will knock you flat on your back and no matter how much you want to get up, you can't.

If there is one cry my soul has made throughout all this, it is to examine the superficialities of my own existence. As much emphasis as is put on performance, that’s not where my value lies. People don’t remember you for that. Nobody is going to cry over you when you die because you saved the company millions of dollars. Nobody is going to mourn the nights you stayed up working or the major events missed in the lives of those you love because of busy doing. Nobody is going to be inspired, impacted or changed by any of it. People will only remember how you made them feel.

How do I make you feel? Do you feel seen, heard and that you matter? That is the heart that beats within me. Is what I am doing aligning with that?  My decisions?  My job?  Do the people I consider as close friends supporting that?  If my life is not opening up for that to be released into this world, then my life is not being lived well. When my cousin died and I heard about the services in Virginia or listened as people reflected at his funeral in Durham, not one person talked about how well he graded papers, his staying up late at night making our his lesson plan, whether he wore designer labels or no-name brands, or whether he had swagger or was a savvy businessman. No. Not. One.What they talked about was how he kept some troubled students from committing suicide. They talked about how he believed in a White student whose family member had filled him with such racial hate and bigotry that he got in trouble in school and how my cousin believed in him and changed his White supremacist family member’s views. They talked about how they felt listened to. They talked about his generosity. The lengths he went to to save or inspire just one child to excel not just in history, algebra or English but in life.

When something tragic happens in life, we have a choice. We really do. We choose our attitude about what is happening in our lives. We choose what we’ll focus on and what will be interwoven into the fabric of our lives.  We choose how we will live our lives moving forward.  Sadly, some folks only remember who didn’t show up. What a waste of time and what a waste of effort! Holding stuff against folks doesn’t change them; it only hardens you. In this experience, I have become aware of it. Out of the annals of my pain came the reality of the moment and the harsher realities of my life. Just as much though, out of my suffering came a genuine desire to be better. I’ve had some disappointments. I’ve had some poor-me moments. I’ve had some tormenting fearful thoughts. I’ve felt like I was going to lose my natural mind. Everything that wasn’t nailed down in my life got pulled apart by the loss and the ensuing grief that followed it.

What I am choosing though is to not waste any of it. It’s not me, but the Greater I Am who is doing the choosing. I’m just not fighting against it. It’s scary to go through something and not know how it’s going to turn out. It’s painful and uncomfortable but this is a holy moment. This is a holy moment. My path has been altered. It hurts, yes. Nonetheless, I don’t just want to stop hurting and to resume business as usual. Instead, I want to attain a greater level of wholeness. I want to see this through God's eyes.  If not, my cousin’s death will have no meaning. Unless a loss fuels something Greater in you; then it has no value. As surely as the last breath is taken by your loved one; it is truly their end if it doesn’t power your authentic soul to higher heights and deeper depths. So, I will be patient with myself and trust God. Only He can make all things work together for my good. Only He can make all things beautiful in their time. And So It Is.

Well, it’s dark outside again. Still haven’t quite made my peace with darkness. It still feels like being in a dark hole with no way out. Sort of like a grave. Nevertheless, God is with me and one day the anxiety will cease. He is The Resurrection, you know.