I've been in an unsettled place. You know that place where you say emphatically I can’t go back to something. Then, as the time to return draws near and you can’t see another way, you start backpedaling? I was in that space. With Lawrence’s death, some things in my life that were barely tolerable became intolerable. I said I couldn’t go back and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Despite this, it seemed that God wasn’t cosigning on it. So you ask yourself if it’s truly intolerable or if you can squeeze out just one more coping strategy to stay. It’s not that you want to, but you don’t see any other way out.
For weeks, I’ve begged for the escape. I even saw my writing or life coaching as the escape. Repentance came quickly though because you don’t want to saddle something that comes from a pure place with the wishfulness that Cheryl says comes from something not working in your life. Though I hate the circumstances, I needed this break from everything. As I described it to my grief counselor, "all my marbles in my container were scattered and Lawrence's death broke the container." I needed a Selah, a place of rest.
Out of resting came clarity. Was this coming from an egoic need to escape or the demand my calling was placing on my life? From the time I entered high school, my parents and even my larger environment said that I needed to go to college to get a good education so I could get a good job. Throughout my employable years, I’ve allowed that conditioned thinking to lead me into majoring in a field of study that I had an aptitude for and seeking employment in that field. I was never passionate about it. We weren’t raised to be entrepreneurs or to think outside that conditioned path despite how talented, gifted and creative we were. We were always told what we couldn't do, not what we could do. Today, I was challenged with the disparity between that conditioned thinking and my life intention.
So how do you move from conditioned living to intentional living? It takes an awakening, first and foremost. Some sleeping part of who you really are has to be awakened. That’s why I know there is a God, A Greater Consciousness, A Wonderful Counselor at work in us. Some think that you don’t have access to Him unless you get saved; but there are too many examples to the contrary. I believe that when Jesus died, He reconciled mankind back to God and when the veil in the temple was torn in two, it gave anyone access to Him who was open and had an ear to hear. Else I don’t think the Dalai Lama, Gandhi, or other ambassadors of peace of different faiths would have such an intimate understanding of spiritual principles described as "the fruit of the spirit" in the Bible. Many of them model kindness, humility, self control, and other fruit better than those of us who claim to know God. I know that what I am saying may irk many of my Christian friends; but even the Bible says that you know a tree by the fruit it bears. Moreover, an evil tree cannot produce good fruit. So if the fruit of someone’s life is good, it challenges the lens through which we see our fellowman. I’m just sayin.
Anyway, I digress. What I was awakened with was a reminder of what my life intention is and the areas in my life that weren’t in alignment with that intention. So what is your life intention Suzette? I’m so glad you asked me. My life intention is to recover my authentic soul (wholeness), to build a supportive environment to nurture it and my calling is to offer that to others seeking to do the same. I believe that’s my assignment in this life. In accordance, everything has been held to that intention. Some people I clung to were ripped away, some things I involved myself in had to cease, some baggage that I carried had to be abandoned and some beliefs long held had to be changed, all because a Greater Will was preserving a future I had not arrived at and a calling I had not fully heard. I can continue to rest knowing that God is mindful of all that concerns me and has every intention to bring me into abundance.
