Upon entering the bookstore, I was in awe of the crowd. It was Monday evening and many avid readers had gathered at Quail Ridge Books & Music. Some sitting. Some standing. But all filled with anticipation, anxiously awaiting the author of the book they held tightly in their hands.
I nodded and smiled as I passed in between the people standing and stopped to hug sister friends I had not seen in a while. I looked around for a seat, but there was not one, single solitary seat to be had. I noticed some people sitting on the floor space directly in front of the row of chairs. I joined them.
The place was buzzing. People were laughing, talking, hugging and all clasping a book or two or even a stack of em. Everyone was there for one purpose and one purpose only - Terry McMillan. I had never been to a book signing before no less one involving such a renowned author. How exciting it was to be in the space. Who hasn't seen the movie, Waiting to Exhale, or heard one of the title cuts from the soundtrack on the radio. Even Oprah gave the movie rave reviews as she interviewed the cast on her show years ago when it first came out. I joined in as Whitney Houston sang, "Everyone falls. In love sometimes. Sometimes it's wrong. And sometimes it's right. For every win. Someone must fail. But there comes a point when, when we exhale..eh..eh..eh...shoop shoop shoop shooba doop shoop shoop..." I bet you're even closing your eyes and nodding to the music you hear in your head right now. Aren't you?
Introductions made. Hearts pounding. Anticipation heightened. Everyone looking around to catch a glimpse. She enters. The room erupts into cheers, hand claps and whistles as our sister, Terry, walked through the narrow pathway amongst legs and feet to the podium. While walking, she is looking around with her mouth opened. She is completely blown away. She grabs her auburn colored mane from the back and blinks in disbelief. This only rouses more thunderous applause! The whistles and yells get louder. I can't describe the feeling!
I must admit I expected to see her with long braids or locs, a floor length dashiki and sandals. Was I ever wrong! She had a large fro that she pulled on nervously, apologizing for it "looking a mess." Though her raw honesty was endearing, I strained to see what was wrong. In my eyes she was flawless. Fitted white cotton blouse hanging over black leggings with stylish heels. Even dressed casually, she had an air of sophistication. When she spoke, I couldn't help but compare the tone of her voice to Cher with an urban sassy mystique. I chuckle when I think about it.
In a word? Inspiring! I was transported to the home of Savannah, 15 years later, as she read Chapter One from her new book, Getting to Happy. She read with such a knowledge of the character until you felt you were a fly on the wall, observing her every thought and movement. But what was even more inspiring was her response during the Q & A when she was asked what writer she most admired or emulated. With sharp frankness, she said that she emulated no one. She had her own voice. When she said that, I felt something deep inside agree. She said that she wasn't like anybody else. This reinforced for me the reality that my effectiveness is tied to my voice.
A close second was when she said she was 59 years old. My mouth dropped and all I could think was Ohhhhhh Myyyyyy God. She gave kudos to Mac Cosmetics. Man, I need to check that out, I thought. I took in her energy, candor, wit, no nonsense, infectious spirit but most of all was her comfort in her own skin. Oh how I want that. She also looked like she took care of herself. Gurlfriend was fit! She had pep in her step and flexibly did backward leg curls while reading. Impressive. I might not be able to manage 4 inch heels but I certainly can catch the deeper wisdom. Being 50 doesn't minimize my purpose or potential. Here, this woman was promoting what I'm certain will be another best seller at age 59 and inspiring women of all ages and stages to release the past and get to happy.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
When John Calls
My cell rang. I answered it automatically without looking to see who was calling. "Hello," he said. I was fiddling around to pick up something I had dropped but stopped in mid-search. "Hello," he said again. Oh my God, it's him. For the purposes of this blog, I'll give him a fictitious name. We'll call him John. He stuttered as he asked if I was busy. "I'm at work," I answered curtly. Funny how you don't hear from a person for almost a year and he talks as if you just talked yesterday. "Oh. Okay. I'll call you back cause I got something to tell you," he said. "Uhhhhh, okay," I said. It was a mindless auto-response that I sometimes give when I am floored. I hung up the phone and sat in my seat. Eyes wide. Mouth opened. Oh my God.
My guy told me he was gonna call back. He did. It had been two months since the first call but he was sure of it. "Trust, he's gonna call you again," he said. He was right!
Deciding not to wait until later, I left the office and stepped into the foyer in front of the building to call him. "What do you want to say?" I asked. He explained the nonstop drama he had been enduring from his ex-wife. "I hate the way things ended," he said. You stopped calling, I thought. He nervously explained all - and I mean all - that she had done. After a while, it became painful. Too. Much. Information. I caught myself looking up at the ceiling impatiently waiting for him to finish. I had to stop him. "I hate to interrupt you, John, but I need to get back to work." "Okay," he said. "John, I have three things I want to say."
"One." [Pause] "Sounds like your life is still crazy. I understand where you are cause I've been there. But, I'm not there anymore. Two. I accept your apology. No hard feelings. And three. I've met a wonderful man and we've been dating for 8 months now." "Uh, okay then," he said in a startled tone. With a quick goodbye and Click-up, the conversation was done. That man got off the phone faster than greased lightning!
Getting jilted is the pits. Doesn't matter how old or how young, you feel dropped. It was the typical beginning. We met. He asked for my number. He called me alllll the time. He was my Mr. McDreamy and I loved being pursued. But it wasn't long before I started to feel that he wasn't interested in anything long-term. He had an excuse for every time he was asked to show up. Sensing that there was only one room he wanted me in, I decided to do the cu-de-gra. I asked him to accompany me to two Christmas socials. I heard nothing else from him.
Surprisingly, there was no anger when he called. Taken by surprise, yes, but no ill will. I am glad he called. Most folks don't ever get a call back. No opportunity to finish something. To have closure. So, I'm glad that he called again though the truth is probably that he was bored, between women and hoping to get back into my good graces…LOL.
No matter, I feel good. My guy had already encouraged me to be nice. No need to be mean. But he did caution that John would continue to call until I told him I had a man. I'm proud of how maturely I handled this. But most of all, I am proud of my guy. He could have gotten angry, told me to let him talk to him the next time or accused me of still having a thing for this man. None of the above! Who needs an old flame when the new one is burning so brightly. I feel trusted. I feel loved. I feel downright snuggly.
Well, I'm gonna call it a night. I'm trying to become more disciplined in not staying up late writing or reading Facebook posts. Besides, I've taken some PhytoB and Evening Primrose Oil herbal supplements. Maybe I won't have night sweats tonight.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
What God Has Joined Together
Did God join you together? Hummmmmmm. There was a ceremony. Okay. You said vows. True. You signed the paperwork. You moved in together. Might have even had some chu'ren. If I were to grab my Bible and flip through its pages, God's position on marriage is clear. Indissoluble. Eternal. A bond that cannot be broken. Certainly there are concessions for the human condition; but God's Is-ness is not divided on the matter. He is even married to the backslider.
As pointed out by one of the males attending the group, men and women see cheating differently. "There's just so much bootie out here," he said jokingly. "If Denzel Washington or Boris Kudjoe (or whomever our fantasy sweat-provoking, sexually-stimulating man) were to enter the room right this minute and you knew that no one would ever find out about it, would you sleep with him?," he asked.
Before you answer, I appeal to you to get real with yourself. If you are sneaky in other matters, why would fidelity be any different? If you haven't learned to stand in who YOU are regardless of the actions of others, you can't make any promises. Know thyself. Me? My answer is no. Wait. Don't high five me just yet. Don't even accuse me of not being real. My answer is real. It comes out of lessons learned from some missteps, some falls, some wrong roads along my life journey. Despite of and possibly because of missteps, I've learned to honor three things about myself: One, I don't want somebody else's man. Two, if it ain't real, it ain't real. My deepest hunger is for realness. But most importantly, I would know. If I cheated, I'd know. I can't escape me.
"If a man can sleep with a stripper at a bachelor party, get up the next day and get married, he is not ready" she challenges. "The ONLY reason he can do it is because he isn't married (in his heart)." "Men see it different," he counters. What is THE truth? I believe THE truth is God is spirit. Hence, a God-joining goes beyond intellect, reason, feeling, agenda, gender or our humanness? Think about it. If you believe the Bible, then let's take a look at it. God Himself decided it was not good for man to be alone. Man's opinion, his intellect, his feeling, his agenda, his gender, his genitalia, his humanness were not solicited. Okay, you don't believe in God. Whether you believe in God or not, there are some things common to humanity. One of those things is a need for connection. That's why solitary confinement is so maddening. Isolation is synonymous with being in hell.
Marriage happens before the wedding. It is a joining of spirits dictated by something greater. It takes place at which point your awakened spirit recognizes its mate. Yeah? Yeah. Your marriage starts then. The wedding is merely a declaration made publicly. The vows, witnesses and marriage license are part of the legalities so that rights and property can be protected. What about sex? When does consummation happen? I'll let you figure that out amongst yourselves...lol. I'll give you a clue though. By definition fornication is sex outside of marriage.
So back to the original question of whether to remain if a person cheats on you. Your iron-will is not enough to sustain the marriage. Your marriage license or assets is not enough. Your having his last name is not enough. Your having kids is not enough. Your wedding is not enough. Even him or her being your soul mate is not enough. All these "reasons" mean nothing in light of betrayal.
Even choosing to remain under the same roof is not enough. That's just geography. There are people who have been married until a partner died. But they never preferred them. They still functioned as a married couple but still were single-minded. Sleeping in the same bed, but spiritually adrift. Having babies, but no intimacy. Serving on the ministry team at church, but not even a look or a ministering touch at home. Ne'er a cross word spoken cause there is no talking to each other. By appearances, you are there but secretly, you're not.
Marriage is not an event, it is a state of being, says a female participant. Perhaps that's why there are so many divorces. As long as he is thoughtful, romantic and showers you with gifts, he's your soul mate. As long as she is adoring, a freak in private and "there for me," marriage is eventful. But if that stops for too long, all bets are off. If any effort is made, the intent is self serving. Apart from the event. Or the common goal. Or the reason. There's nothing joining you together.
What's holding you together? If that were removed, would you stay? What if your partner cheats? Is divorce an option? Is taking the kids and leaving an option? Is getting your own swerve on an option? Beauty fades. Bodies frail. Health deteriorates. Jobs cease. Circumstances change. Children leave. Interests shift. You might say, hey Suzette, give it a rest. I can't. There are too many casualties. Too much is at stake. We can no longer afford to handle our lives and the lives of others so recklessly.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: Natural Hair Journey: Transitioning
50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: Natural Hair Journey: Transitioning: "Image by FloraClayflower ~ on obstacle road ~ via FlickrTransitioning is a BEAST! I think we’ve all been there. That creamy crack (hair rel..."
Natural Hair Journey: Transitioning
For those of you who are transitioning to natural hair or thinking about it, I have some advice.
Have. A. Plan. I agree with Candee, a fellow blogger on Natural QTs Blog on this one. Sure, you plan to go natural. But you need some direction. Now, Candee's plan focused on styling. Me? I think you need to take some other factors into consideration as you develop your plan. Hair type. Environment. Budget.
Hair Type. When I first started my natural hair journey, I didn't know there were different hair textures. All I knew was "I like that style." And all I wanted to know was, "How do I make my hair look like that?" One of the best things anyone could have done was point me to websites that talked about hair texture. One really good site is Naturallycurly.com. 4b's holla! Sidebar. If you have kinky coily spongy hair, no matter what products you use, you will not have a loose wavy curl pattern. So, learn what you hair will and won't do and run with that.
Environment. In her blog post "Say It Loud," Candee talks about living in Raleigh and how humid it is. This brings up an important point. Know how your environment affects your hair needs. You may live in an environment where the air is dry. If so, products that help your hair retain moisture are essential. Trust me, it matters. Another aspect of environment is what type of job you have. One of my friends is in the military. There are strict guidelines for how you wear your hair. So, before you go natural take stock of your surroundings.
Budget. Going natural can be expensive - at least, at first. Many natural sisters admit to being product junkies. I don't consider myself to be an addict, per se; but while experimenting with various products, I have accumulated enough product to fill the cabinet underneath my bathroom sink! To avoid this, I suggest that you join a natural hair group. This way, you can benefit from product swops. Members bring their product to share with others. This way, you can try before you buy.
Styling. Admittedly, I didn't do this transitioning thing proper. The first thing I did was look for hair styles. I was getting tired of getting up every day and roller setting my hair. Having only 1 inch of new growth, I needed to find TWA's (teenie weenie afros). After visiting several sites, I found it. My muse. A TWA with pretty shaping around the hairline. That's it, I thought.
My funniest memory was the day after my BC (Big Chop). I went to a natural hair meetup group in Virginia. There I was, thinking I looked great; but when I got back in my car, I noticed how dry and dusty my hair looked. Instead of feelin bad, I decided to have a good laugh. So one final tip: Learn how to use the products. Just as you wouldn't deep condition then shampoo, you need to understand what your products do and apply them in the correct order.
It might be difficult at first, but for me, it has been worth the investment.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Confidantes
He says there are usually three categories that most people fit into. These are comrades, constituents and confidantes. Comrades are folks you align yourself with to fight a common foe. Other than having a common threat or enemy, you have no other connection with this person. Kinda reminds me of how neighbors help each other after a calamity. A tornado hits. People who don't even like each other rally together to help lift trees off houses or to help pull someone out of the rubble. Yet after the emergency is over, the argument over property line continues.
The second category are the constituents. These are people whom you share a common goal or interest with. Meetup.com was a God-send for me in that regard. After my son went to college, I sought to build a social network with people I could enjoy different activities with. The only caution about constituents is they are not interested in you. Say you decide you don't want to participate anymore, a constituent will no longer seek you out. It's about the goal, nothing but the goal, so help me God!
Hence the problem. Most of us confuse constituents as confidantes. Add shared interest and a great personality and it's easy to start thinking of these relationships as more substantive than they really are. I genuinely believe that one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is everybody says, "today, I marry my best friend" when in fact that person is merely a constituent. You see, a confidante is someone who cares about you. They are not concerned about you meeting an ideal. They are not concerned about how you can help them reach their goals. Even though you may share a common threat or common interests, you can remove any of the above and they'll still choose to stay. They are in it for you and you alone.
In Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion - the play not the movie - one daughter asks her fiance, "What do I do for you?" He can't answer. All he seems concerned with is his woman this and his woman that. He is consumed with her appearance and how she fits into his world.
Bishop Jakes concludes that many disappointments can be avoided if we'd learn how to recognize what role a person plays in our lives. Some comrades. Some constituents. Granted, every person has their place. When it comes to love, though, he's got to be a confidante.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
My Path to Liberation
Divorce. Who would have thought that I, Suzette Randolph, Alice and Randy's daughter, born again blood washed child of the Most High, would suffer a divorce? And as if once wasn't enough, TWICE? To the same man? That's unreal!
When you get married to someone, the joining together is more than the ceremony. Every part of you is directly or indirectly joined to every part of the other person. That's what makes it spiritual. You are joined to every flaw - real or imagined - whether you know about it or don't. Every weakness, every unresolved issue, every wound, every family secret, ghosts of relationships past, what they did get as a child, what they didn't get, every insecurity, every set of circumstances that cause that person to feel insecure. So it's no small feat to unjoin.
On April of 2003, I answered four questions about my marital state. The judge hit the podium with his gavel and it was over. Little did I know that physically divorcing someone is the easy part. With each year, each month, each week, each day, each moment, I would be divorcing some part of myself from that union. Believe it or not, although fibers of that cord to my heart have snapped, I think I am just feeling the final fiber being pulled away and finally, FINALLY, my heart being freed.
There were three distinct moments when I felt the liberation. One of those moments was when I threw away my exit plan. Everyone who has abandonment issues has an exit plan. Hello. Our antenna is always up and when we feel the least bit intimidated, we will reject you before you reject us. Dr. Phil calls it playing the game of love with sweaty palms. We always have doubts and fears that fuel our fight-or-flight responses in relationships.
Another moment was when I no longer feared loving. Amazingly, that came after conflict. Major conflict! I was amazed that my close girlfriend said about my boyfriend, "he REALLY cares for you. Not many men would have opened up and been that vulnerable in front of your friends." They saw something that I was too trapped in my own head to see: presence, realness and a desire to do the work of relating. When I took a step back, I saw it too. It was at that point that I was no longer afraid to love him.
Typically, when I ask him for something and he doesn't give it to me, I get mad. Then the torment starts. "He is withholding from you," my feelings of insecurity whisper. "He's dismissing what's important to you. See, he is different now that he thinks he has you. See." Usually, that is grounds for me to fight, to run or to fight and run. This time, this morning in fact, I didn't act on those fears. Instead, I said what I needed to say, he said what he needed to say and he exited to the living room before things got too heated. After he left, I sent him a text that said simply, "I love you." At that moment, that last soul tie to my failed marriage popped from my heart.
You see, one of my core values is choice. That goes with the freedom, liberation, honoring and respect theme that pulsates deep within me. I asked for something. He said no. I didn't like it; but everyone has the right to say "no." Further, we should be able to say "no" without rejection, shaming or retaliation. By not going into attack mode, we were able to exit the disagreement with our dignity in tact. Moreover, rather than lamenting over his "no," I went to church. There, I got a "yes" from God that brought relief and release.
Loving someone is not wasted time. It is when we are most like God. When you don't run from intimacy anymore, the past no longer has a hold on you. When you no longer kick yourself for all that you sacrificed to make a relationship work, I believe you have reclaimed your heart. No resentment. No longer feeling like a fool. No longer beating yourself up for all you invested only for the relationship to end. No longer walled up to ensure the next man or woman won't do that to you - whatever your that is.
I remember sharing with my sister that I no longer feel bad about what I did to keep my marriage. Do you realize how huge that was? Wow! I don't regret it! I don't regret the money I gave for him to start his business or for the downpayment on our home. That's what a wife does. I don't resent caring for him as his spinal degenerative disease progressed and his nervous system was compromised. That's what a wife does. I don't regret going to counseling, crying, praying, believing in him, hoping against hope that we would get better. That's what a wife does. There is no shame in it. In fact, I am proud of it. I am proud of me!
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