Parked under a shade tree, toes dangling out the window and bucket seat reclined, I rummaged through my bag and pulled out my AARP Magazine. I threw it to the side to dig back inside for Terry MacMillan’s Getting to Happy; but the caption caught my attention-- Why Loneliness is on the Rise. As I read the article, my mind went to a time when I was really struggling. Just January of this year, in fact.
I remember getting into bed, cutting the lights off and crying silently. I had tried to be a 21st century woman and embrace singleness. I even had a daliance with a guy out of pure lust. Didn’t work. Though I didn’t suffer hurt, it only left me longing for something real. My whispers to God in the dark went something like, “God, it’s me again. I hate coming home to an empty apartment but I can't stomach one more apathetic, unavailable man. Lord, you gotta help me!”
Silent frustration is not just the ill of those who hail from the 50 year old club. Quite the contrary. I’m beginning to hear the cries of frustration in the busyness, or as the article termed it the “frantic busyness,” of those around me. “Loneliness has increased in America over the past decade, “ says the AARP article. “Today more than 44 million adults over age 45 suffer from chronic loneliness.” I went to my yahoo page and searched for the television special that Michael Baisden cited when discussing why so many African American women are single. I came across a blog called Diary of a Content Black Woman. While skimming for information, I read a comment from an Anonymous subscriber. "I have considered suicide. I am a black woman living in the SW USA. I am tired of being lonely."
I wonder if the man surrounded by his buddies at the sports bar watching the game or the woman who is laughing and tapping her toe to the music at the club are secretly lonely. On the real, would they tell you they wish they had someone special to share their lives with? Would they tell you that they stay busy because they are tired of eating alone, watching TV alone, sleeping alone and waking up alone? Did they forego marriage and starting families to achieve certain education or career milestones? "We got the degree. We landed the job. Now, I’m ready for love,” we told ourselves. But then it seemed there were slim pickings.
I wonder if the man surrounded by his buddies at the sports bar watching the game or the woman who is laughing and tapping her toe to the music at the club are secretly lonely. On the real, would they tell you they wish they had someone special to share their lives with? Would they tell you that they stay busy because they are tired of eating alone, watching TV alone, sleeping alone and waking up alone? Did they forego marriage and starting families to achieve certain education or career milestones? "We got the degree. We landed the job. Now, I’m ready for love,” we told ourselves. But then it seemed there were slim pickings.
Here we are. We go on date after date but nothing seems to take. To cope, we busy ourselves. We work extra long hours. We enroll in yet another degree program. All are good things, but not if we do them for the wrong reasons. To avoid the silence of my apartment, I would sometimes drive home from work, eat and go to bed.
Loneliness is no fun at all, but I soon learned that avoidance only intensifies its grip. We avoid it by retreating into familiar isolating behaviors. We date out of boredom. Tolerate out of desperation. Here lies the deception. We think we are being proactive; not just sulking. At least we are making an effort. I can't speak for anyone else but it didn't do anything but make me feel worse.
What to do? What to do? I wish I had some words of wisdom. I don't. All I know is that I got to a point where I couldn't put lipstick on it anymore. Loneliness sucked and I prayed every night for God to give me a loving man. Perhaps he intensified the pangs so that I would get serious and stop trying to avoid it. I knew that I couldn't fathom spending age 51 lonely. No more busyness! I'm so glad God heard my prayer and sent me a wonderful man.
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