My Natural Hair Anniversary: I AM ENOUGH

It was September 19, 2009 when I did it.  I did the Big Chop.  Little did I know how something so simple as cutting my hair would be the pathway to freedom. 

I never intended to have a TWA (teenie weenie afro).  Quite the contrary.  My reasons for going natural was pure vanity.  My sister had been getting her hair silkened and I wanted mine to have the thickness and movement she was enjoying.  Moreover, my hair had been over processed and my healthy relaxed hair was becoming nothing more than lifeless strings.  Because I spoke with my sister's hairdresser, I thought transitioning would be simple.  It wasn't.

In the weeks leading up to my decision, I had been getting up every morning and rod-setting my hair.  A curly fro seemed to be the only style that I felt comfortable with.  I was the only person of color at my company and feared that if I did anything dramatic, everyone would be stunned and uncomfortable.  Perhaps that is why I kept hearing Don Imus' voice saying "nappy-headed hoe."  It taunted me throughout, rendering me fearful of doing the big chop.

It wasn't until I went on youtube.com and found some short natural hair styles, that I found peace about cutting off my hair.  I searched website after website.  Watched video after video.  Finally, I saw this cute short do with a nicely shaped hairline.  I knew that my hair texture would not be as curly, so, with the aid of gel and shaping cream, I achieved a look I could be proud of with my 4b spongy, kinky coily texture.

It was a quite a bold move.  I was daring to transform in front of my own eyes.  I cut away the hair color.  I cut away the signature relaxed look I had grown accustomed to.  As a child, I hated my hair.  I wanted the long, silky hair of my Crissy doll.  I even put old T-shirts and stocking caps on my head, tied to swing like ponytails, to have the movement and length that I envied.  I was bare.  I had nothing to hide behind.  I looked in the mirror and it was me.  Nothing but me.  I see me. 

Day 1

The day after, I decided to take my new look for a spin.  I had prepared myself for the stares and even for men not even looking my way.  After all, brothers preferred the long, straight hair, right?  Rather than carry an aura of discomfort or lack of confidence though, I squared my shoulders and sported my new look.  I even decided to wear no large earrings and no makeup.  I was going to be bare.  Just me.  To my surprise, a man - a brother, even - motioned for me to roll my car window down.  After I parked my car, I noticed the gentleman had pulled up right beside me and still motioned for me to roll down my window.  I did.  He said, "I just had to tell you that I LOVE your hair."   I grinned from ear-to-ear. Yes!  As he and I walked and talked, I became aware of a surge of confidence.  I felt powerful.  I felt more in touch with myself and the world around me.  I took of my shoes and felt the sand between my toes as we walked up and down the beach.  I felt more alive.  I felt more girly.  But most of all, I felt such joy. 


  

Day 365

As the months have passed, that joy has grown.  I feel more in touch with my heritage amongst the kinkyfied.  I feel more soulful.  I feel more loving.  I feel a profound connection with everyone but even more with my natural sisters.  It's not clique-ish or condescending.  It's a shared freedom.  Instead of my world getting smaller, it is growing.  I find myself more welcoming of different cultures.  Welcoming of committed love.   But more than anything, I feel an abiding truthfulness about me.  I am who I am.  No bells.  No whistles.  Just me.  Resounding in the depths of my soul is this one thing:  I...AM...ENOUGH!

FREEDOM TO CHOOSE

It has always baffled me why, after giving mankind the gift of free will, God didn't take it away when man disobeyed him. For those of you who haven't a clue of what I am talking about, I'll give you the cliff-note version. Based on the Bible or Creationist theory, God created mankind. He gave man free reign over everything but one: the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. In short, man ate of the tree.

Despite detailing the losses resulting from their disobedience, one thing God did not take away: the gift of free will. Throughout Biblical history, despite man often choosing paths of degradation, God did not take away this gift. Man had a choice then and man has a choice now.

I LOVE blogging. I love comments. Doesn't matter to me what the opinion is as long as there are comments. One such posting was about Oprah's Wildest Dreams Come True show. One of the comments was about her relationship with Jesus and the hope that she would one day get to know Him. I won't put this dear sister on the spot because I've heard lots of criticism of Oprah throughout the years. What she wrote was a blessing. It encouraged me to dig a little deeper into my faith. Criticism or a different opinion can either give strength to what I believe or expand my consciousness to a bigger truth – some call it the universal truth, a Higher Truth, but I call it the God's Truth.

YOU KNOW A TREE BY THE FRUIT IT BEARS. This, like day and night, seedtime and harvest, are burned into the fabric of our Earthly existence. There are certain laws. What goes up must come down. For every cause there is an effect. These are just the natural laws that are in place. Regardless to whether you are Black or White, rich or poor, believer or agnostic, sick or well, these laws apply.

DO NOT JUDGE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T CALL FRUIT WHAT IT IS. We are admonished also not to judge others. "Judge not that you be not judged." In short, you can judge if you choose to, but just be prepared for those very words biting you in the butt. As my grandmother use to say, "when you point your finger at somebody else, just notice that three fingers are pointing back at you." Dr. Phil said that his dad use to say, "I hate in you what's just like me."

Judgment is subjective. Judgment is arrogant. Judgment is egoic. But fruit is neither. Fruit is just fruit. And you recognize trees by their fruit. A good tree yields good fruit. A bad tree, bad. So if you really wish to decide about somebody, check out the fruit of their lives. The byproduct of parental involvement is different from that of parental neglect. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule; but the fruit is pretty easy to detect.

I've been accused of some pretty bad stuff. I've been called an attention hog. I've been deemed controlling. I've been told I'm stubborn. I've been accused of being stuck on myself. I've been told that I'm a fake. I remember being told that because I am a direct and straightforward, I'd not have a man. "Most men can't take a woman like you," I was told. I've been blamed for the shortcomings of other people. But there is one thing in my life that I believe with every ounce of strength in me, I did right. I raised an exceptional son. When I say that, I'm not boasting in myself, but I am boasting in the God consciousness that illuminated my parenting. I invested the truth of who I am in him. And I know that Light will illuminate any dark place he encounters in life.

On today's Oprah Show, she interviewed Ingrid Betancourt. Ms. Betancourt was running for the Senate of her beloved native land, Colombia South America. During this time, she met with the leaders of a terrorist group, FARC, and demanded that they cease their terrorist activities. Well, while campaigning in hostile territory, she was abducted by the terrorist and held captive in the Jungle for 6 ½ years before a heroic rescue mission freed her. "Did your faith get you through?," Oprah asked. "I found a Bible," Ingrid answers. "Prior to this, I thought the Bible was boring." "Until you met Jesus," Oprah interjected. "Until I met Jesus," Ingrid said. Looking around to the audience, Oprah finishes, "When you meet Jesus, you say, 'I LIKE THIS BOOK!'"

When asked what was the main thing she took away from her harrowing experience, Ingrid Betancourt said, "I had the freedom to choose what kind of person I want to be. " Ingrid admitted that her behavior was suspect to those imprisoned with her. But she said that that wasn't her intent. She just refused to take on the persona of a dog, an animal, like she was being treated. While everyone else gave a number count, when prompted by the guards, she gave her name instead. She had to hold to a sense of identify despite threat of torture by terrorists or criticism by fellow prisoners.

When you make a stand to live authentically, it always subjects you to criticism. Persecution is the cost of following Christ, but not just in the way you would expect. Most folks feel that persecution is when you stand on the street corner and tell people if they don't accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior, they will go to hell. Or that you're persecuted when you speak out against homosexuality or abortion. But I have experienced a different type of persecution. And this persecution comes from standing in your own sense of self. When you dare not to follow the collective and embrace your God-given identity, when you are authentic, it subjects you to criticism.

One pastor whom I have much regard for said to me, "Suzette, most people live in a box. You think outside the box. It can be both a blessing and a curse. For yes, you will endure great loneliness. But it also gives you access to great power." I didn't understand it then, but I do now. God lives outside the box too.

My takeaway from my life thus far is this. When you abandon yourself, you give away your power. God gave me a precious gift of free will: The freedom to choose who I will be. Don't let your family, your spouse, your children, your friends, your pastor, your Rabbi….or even your history, take that from you. Their job is not to create you or to judge you. Their job, whether executed well or poorly, is to inspire you. To hold up a mirror. To launch you into your destiny. And in whatever areas they fail, we have a Divine Gardener.

When I would hate, the Gardener comes and shines Light on my heart. He waters me with Truth. He takes a hoe and breaks up my resistance. He prunes away my anger, my offense, my intimidation, my sense of entitlement. He fertilizes me with who He is and pours Himself into me like water until I am whole. And the fruit? Forgiveness. Humility. Kindness. Temperance. Patience. God is still working on self-control though…lol. My point is I live as an awakened soul, set free from the bondages of a sin conscious, a fighting-the- devil conscious, shame, blame and most of all, the bondage of codependency (seeking or requiring validation from people). What freedom that is!

Who Else But Oprah

On last week, I watched Oprah’s Wildest Dreams Come True Show.  As God is my witness, at the end of this her final season, if they offer a commemorative DVD collection, I’m going to run not walk to get it.  I sat and cried crocodile tears as I watched audience members be blessed beyond their wildest imaginings.

I don’t know if you saw the original show where she interviewed the woman who lost her limbs due to a flesh-eating bacteria.  Well, in grand Oprah style, she brought this woman and her family back to the show.  They had been living in a small rental apartment with a little bathtub.  Hardly the accommodations anyone would wish for but even more challenging for this woman with her unique needs.  As if her struggle wasn’t enough, her husband lost his job.  It was amazing to me that she showed no signs of stress when discussing her handicap, but her eyes filled with tears and her eyes showed such fear of not knowing what would happen to them when she talked about her husband’s misfortune. 

Oprah apologized to her.  Evidently, when the camera crew came to her house, one of the cameramen broke one of her chairs.  This dear lady was more concerned for the cameraman.  “He got hurt,” she said.  Little did she know that her life was about to change.  Oprah offered to replace the chair and said she had found a friend to help her.  This is when she called out, “Nate Berkus!”  He came onto the stage to loud applause carrying her replacement chair. 

Oprah hugged her, as she often does her audience members, told the woman that the show as about Wildest Dreams.  Her eyes grew larger and so did those of her family.  None of them knew the real reason they were there.  They probably thought it was simply a follow up story about her condition to inspire other people who struggled with handicap.  Oprah continued to unravel for her the true purpose for her and her family being guests on the show.  She announced that she and Nate were teaming up to buy them a home.  The audience erupted while her oldest daughter's eyes filled with tears.  Annnnnnnnnnd, the home would be fully accessible for her special needs.  In short she wouldn’t have to ask her younger daughter to open the “child-proof” kitchen cabinets.  The lady leaned on Oprah as if she was about to fall.  Annnnnnnnd, Nate and the good friends at Lowe’s were going to completely decorate the home from top to bottom.  In Oprah’s words, “There will be beauty in the house.  For I believe your house should rise to meet you, when you enter it.”  Tears, tears and more tears of joy!

This was only one of the mouth-dropping, eye-bulging, heart-pounding dreams come true that Oprah and her connection of friends gave to those attending today’s show.   What a WONDERFUL gift God has granted Oprah Winfrey.  The gift of joyous, uninhibited giving!

And to those naysayers that complain about Oprah being a sell out or choosing to bless people of a different race rather than her own, I say “shame on you!”  In my opinion, it is very small minded to typecast or box someone’s calling in life to fit one's own preferences.   She has God's favor and favor ain’t fair.  Even Jesus didn’t heal everybody.  I admire her very much and appreciate that she is showing America how to extend kindness with connection!  Who else but Oprah would make her farewell season a celebration of giving.  Who else but Oprah would make the viewers and the audience her chief concern.  Who else but Oprah! 

Terry McMillan Graces Quail Ridge Books & Music

Upon entering the bookstore, I was in awe of the crowd.  It was Monday evening and many avid readers had gathered at Quail Ridge Books & Music.  Some sitting.  Some standing.  But all filled with anticipation, anxiously awaiting the author of the book they held tightly in their hands. 

I nodded and smiled as I passed in between the people standing and stopped to hug sister friends I had not seen in a while.  I looked around for a seat, but there was not one, single solitary seat to be had.  I noticed some people sitting on the floor space directly in front of the row of chairs.  I joined them. 

The place was buzzing.  People were laughing, talking, hugging and all clasping a book or two or even a stack of em.  Everyone was there for one purpose and one purpose only - Terry McMillan.  I had never been to a book signing before no less one involving such a renowned author.  How exciting it was to be in the space.  Who hasn't seen the movie, Waiting to Exhale, or heard one of the title cuts from the soundtrack on the radio.  Even Oprah gave the movie rave reviews as she interviewed the cast on her show years ago when it first came out.  I joined in as Whitney Houston sang, "Everyone falls.  In love sometimes.  Sometimes it's wrong.  And sometimes it's right.  For every win.  Someone must fail.  But there comes a point when, when we exhale..eh..eh..eh...shoop shoop shoop shooba doop shoop shoop..."  I bet you're even closing your eyes and nodding to the music you hear in your head right now.  Aren't you?

Introductions made.  Hearts pounding.  Anticipation heightened.  Everyone looking around to catch a glimpse.  She enters.  The room erupts into cheers, hand claps and whistles as our sister, Terry, walked through the narrow pathway amongst legs and feet to the podium.  While walking, she is looking around with her mouth opened.  She is completely blown away.  She grabs her auburn colored mane from the back and blinks in disbelief.  This only rouses more thunderous applause!   The whistles and yells get louder.  I can't describe the feeling!

I must admit I expected to see her with long braids or locs, a floor length dashiki and sandals.  Was I ever wrong!  She had a large fro that she pulled on nervously, apologizing for it "looking a mess."  Though her raw honesty was endearing, I strained to see what was wrong.  In my eyes she was flawless.  Fitted white cotton blouse hanging over black leggings with stylish heels.  Even dressed casually, she had an air of sophistication.  When she spoke, I couldn't help but compare the tone of her voice to Cher with an urban sassy mystique.  I chuckle when I think about it. 

In a word?  Inspiring!  I was transported to the home of Savannah, 15 years later, as she read Chapter One from her new book, Getting to Happy.  She read with such a knowledge of the character until you felt you were a fly on the wall, observing her every thought and movement.  But what was even more inspiring was her response during the Q & A when she was asked what writer she most admired or emulated.  With sharp frankness, she said that she emulated no one.  She had her own voice.  When she said that, I felt something deep inside agree.  She said that she wasn't like anybody else.  This reinforced for me the reality that my effectiveness is tied to my voice. 

A close second was when she said she was 59 years old.  My mouth dropped and all I could think was Ohhhhhh Myyyyyy God.  She gave kudos to Mac Cosmetics.  Man, I need to check that out, I thought.  I took in her energy, candor, wit, no nonsense, infectious spirit but most of all was her comfort in her own skin.  Oh how I want that.  She also looked like she took care of herself.  Gurlfriend was fit!  She had pep in her step and flexibly did backward leg curls while reading.  Impressive.  I might not be able to manage 4 inch heels but I certainly can catch the deeper wisdom.  Being 50 doesn't minimize my purpose or potential.  Here, this woman was promoting what I'm certain will be another best seller at age 59 and inspiring women of all ages and stages to release the past and get to happy. 

When John Calls

My cell rang. I answered it automatically without looking to see who was calling. "Hello," he said. I was fiddling around to pick up something I had dropped but stopped in mid-search. "Hello," he said again. Oh my God, it's him. For the purposes of this blog, I'll give him a fictitious name. We'll call him John. He stuttered as he asked if I was busy. "I'm at work," I answered curtly. Funny how you don't hear from a person for almost a year and he talks as if you just talked yesterday. "Oh. Okay. I'll call you back cause I got something to tell you," he said. "Uhhhhh, okay," I said. It was a mindless auto-response that I sometimes give when I am floored. I hung up the phone and sat in my seat. Eyes wide. Mouth opened. Oh my God.


My guy told me he was gonna call back. He did. It had been two months since the first call but he was sure of it. "Trust, he's gonna call you again," he said. He was right!


Deciding not to wait until later, I left the office and stepped into the foyer in front of the building to call him. "What do you want to say?" I asked. He explained the nonstop drama he had been enduring from his ex-wife. "I hate the way things ended," he said. You stopped calling, I thought. He nervously explained all - and I mean all - that she had done. After a while, it became painful. Too. Much. Information. I caught myself looking up at the ceiling impatiently waiting for him to finish. I had to stop him. "I hate to interrupt you, John, but I need to get back to work." "Okay," he said. "John, I have three things I want to say."


"One." [Pause] "Sounds like your life is still crazy. I understand where you are cause I've been there. But, I'm not there anymore. Two. I accept your apology. No hard feelings. And three. I've met a wonderful man and we've been dating for 8 months now." "Uh, okay then," he said in a startled tone. With a quick goodbye and Click-up, the conversation was done. That man got off the phone faster than greased lightning!


Getting jilted is the pits. Doesn't matter how old or how young, you feel dropped. It was the typical beginning. We met. He asked for my number. He called me alllll the time. He was my Mr. McDreamy and I loved being pursued. But it wasn't long before I started to feel that he wasn't interested in anything long-term. He had an excuse for every time he was asked to show up. Sensing that there was only one room he wanted me in, I decided to do the cu-de-gra. I asked him to accompany me to two Christmas socials. I heard nothing else from him.


Surprisingly, there was no anger when he called. Taken by surprise, yes, but no ill will. I am glad he called. Most folks don't ever get a call back. No opportunity to finish something. To have closure. So, I'm glad that he called again though the truth is probably that he was bored, between women and hoping to get back into my good graces…LOL.


No matter, I feel good. My guy had already encouraged me to be nice. No need to be mean. But he did caution that John would continue to call until I told him I had a man. I'm proud of how maturely I handled this. But most of all, I am proud of my guy. He could have gotten angry, told me to let him talk to him the next time or accused me of still having a thing for this man. None of the above! Who needs an old flame when the new one is burning so brightly. I feel trusted. I feel loved. I feel downright snuggly.


Well, I'm gonna call it a night. I'm trying to become more disciplined in not staying up late writing or reading Facebook posts. Besides, I've taken some PhytoB and Evening Primrose Oil herbal supplements. Maybe I won't have night sweats tonight.

What God Has Joined Together

In last night's UNWIND, the question was asked if you should stay with a person if they cheated on you.  Various responses erupted.  Depends on whether you are married or not.  Depends on how long you've been together.  Depends on if God joined you together.  Screeeeeech.  Stop and back that car up!  Say what?  

Did God join you together?  Hummmmmmm.  There was a ceremony.  Okay.  You said vows. True. You signed the paperwork.  You moved in together.  Might have even had some chu'ren.  If I were to grab my Bible and flip through its pages, God's position on marriage is clear.  Indissoluble.  Eternal.  A bond that cannot be broken.  Certainly there are concessions for the human condition; but God's Is-ness is not divided on the matter.  He is even married to the backslider. 

As pointed out by one of the males attending the group, men and women see cheating differently.  "There's just so much bootie out here," he said jokingly.  "If Denzel Washington or Boris Kudjoe (or whomever our fantasy sweat-provoking, sexually-stimulating man) were to enter the room right this minute and you knew that no one would ever find out about it, would you sleep with him?," he asked. 

Before you answer, I appeal to you to get real with yourself.  If you are sneaky in other matters, why would fidelity be any different?  If you haven't learned to stand in who YOU are regardless of the actions of others, you can't make any promises.  Know thyself.  Me?  My answer is no.  Wait.  Don't high five me just yet.  Don't even accuse me of not being real.  My answer is real. It comes out of lessons learned from some missteps, some falls, some wrong roads along my life journey.  Despite of and possibly because of missteps, I've learned to honor three things about myself:  One, I don't want somebody else's man. Two, if it ain't real, it ain't real.  My deepest hunger is for realness.  But most importantly, I would know.  If I cheated, I'd know.  I can't escape me.

"If a man can sleep with a stripper at a bachelor party, get up the next day and get married, he is not ready" she challenges.  "The ONLY reason he can do it is because he isn't married (in his heart)."  "Men see it different," he counters.  What is THE truth?  I believe THE truth is God is spirit.  Hence, a God-joining goes beyond intellect, reason, feeling, agenda, gender or our humanness?  Think about it.  If you believe the Bible, then let's take a look at it.  God Himself decided it was not good for man to be alone.  Man's opinion, his intellect, his feeling, his agenda, his gender, his genitalia, his humanness were not solicited.  Okay, you don't believe in God.  Whether you believe in God or not, there are some things common to humanity.  One of those things is a need for connection.  That's why solitary confinement is so maddening.  Isolation is synonymous with being in hell.

Marriage happens before the wedding.  It is a joining of spirits dictated by something greater. It takes place at which point your awakened spirit recognizes its mate.  Yeah?  Yeah.  Your marriage starts then.  The wedding is merely a declaration made publicly.  The vows, witnesses and marriage license are part of the legalities so that rights and property can be protected.  What about sex?  When does consummation happen?  I'll let you figure that out amongst yourselves...lol.  I'll give you a clue though.  By definition fornication is sex outside of marriage. 

So back to the original question of whether to remain if a person cheats on you.  Your iron-will is not enough to sustain the marriage.  Your marriage license or assets is not enough.   Your having his last name is not enough.  Your having kids is not enough. Your wedding is not enough.  Even him or her being your soul mate is not enough.  All these "reasons" mean nothing in light of betrayal.   

Even choosing to remain under the same roof is not enough.  That's just geography.  There are people who have been married until a partner died.  But they never preferred them.  They still functioned as a married couple but still were single-minded.  Sleeping in the same bed, but spiritually adrift.  Having babies, but no intimacy.  Serving on the ministry team at church, but not even a look or a ministering touch at home.  Ne'er a cross word spoken cause there is no talking to each other.  By appearances, you are there but secretly, you're not. 

Marriage is not an event, it is a state of being, says a female participant.  Perhaps that's why there are so many divorces.  As long as he is thoughtful, romantic and showers you with gifts, he's your soul mate.  As long as she is adoring, a freak in private and "there for me," marriage is eventful.  But if that stops for too long, all bets are off.  If any effort is made, the intent is self serving.  Apart from the event. Or the common goal.  Or the reason.  There's nothing joining you together. 

What's holding you together?  If that were removed, would you stay?  What if your partner cheats?  Is divorce an option?  Is taking the kids and leaving an option?  Is getting your own swerve on an option?  Beauty fades.  Bodies frail.  Health deteriorates.  Jobs cease.  Circumstances change. Children leave.  Interests shift.  You might say, hey Suzette, give it a rest.  I can't.  There are too many casualties.  Too much is at stake.  We can no longer afford to handle our lives and the lives of others so recklessly.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Are You Ready for Marriage? (lifescript.com)
• Will Extra Pounds Lead to an Unhappy Marriage? (lifescript.com)
• Marriage and Adversity - the need to become friends - part II (codybateman.org)
• Alicia Keys weds producer Swizz Beatz (thegrio.com)
• 15 Signs You'll Get Married (thedailybeast.com)
• The Black-Gay Debate: 50 Cent's Beef with Perez Hilton Turns Homophobic (race.change.org)
• My Not So Fairy Tale Marriage (psychologytoday.com)
• Infidelity is not encouraged in marriage (vanguardngr.com)

50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: Natural Hair Journey: Transitioning

50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: Natural Hair Journey: Transitioning: "Image by FloraClayflower ~ on obstacle road ~ via FlickrTransitioning is a BEAST! I think we’ve all been there. That creamy crack (hair rel..."