I’ve got a confession. I’m a google-maniac. Whenever I have a question about any topic, what do I do? I google it. Another confession. I love reading about relationship stuff. Stuff like signs that he loves you, how to know if he’s available, the difference between quirks and character defects to name my recent searches. Tonight, I decided to google signs that he is a keeper.

I'll admit that the searches always evoked personal reflection.  I’d find some tidbit and see if my current relationship measured up or fell short.  Sometimes denial. Seeking to find someway to soothe my alarm, I'd keep searching in hopes of finding something to cast my relationship more favorably.  Who wants to admit that yet another potential man is not Mr. Right, right? 

When you’ve never had the complete package in a relationship, you tend to censor what you read.  You compensate for what he lacks and magnify the smallest good thing.  You reason that at least he texts you every day.  That's a good thing, right?  Yet you minimize the fact that he has yet to return one of your phone calls.  I can remember a time when I would have read, “He’s not the type to blame others, or circumstances for life situations. He accepts accountability for his actions and is willing to self-examine, take responsibility and grow personally,” and put a twist on it.  No man does that, I'd reason.  I'd even hold up the White card.  You know the one.  They have to be talking about a White man.  How many men period are willing to admit when they are wrong. Somehow it sounds too lofty, too ideological, not very grounded in the day-to-day reality of the men we date. De-ni-al.

Until now. This time, when I read about the qualities of a good man, my insides nodded in agreement.  He is kind. Check. He is consistent. Check. He listens to hear not to speak. Check. He shows up. Check. He thinks your quirks are adorable. Check. I could go on and on but then you’ll probably want to gag. I can’t help it though. I’ve waited 51 years of my life to meet someone like this.  Who could see me, see my heart, get it, get me and love me. Not love how I make them feel. Even my parents doled out affection based on performance. My heart wasn’t most important. My compliance was. So imagine how stoked I am to finally have someone in my life – a man, an available man – who sees me and loves me for me.

There is another layer to this that is just as key.  I see him.  I love him for who he is.  Last night, we met at a local coffee shop.  It was raining cats and dogs but it was worth it. We talked alot.  Some about the relationship challenges of others and some about where we see ourselves in five, ten years. As I reflected on parts of the conversation, I started to feel anxious.  I started feeling myself catastrophize the part that rang my insecurity bell.  In response, my Ego started echoing what ought to happen and what should be.  Then something unexpected happened.  "I won't ask him to do that!"  I heard myself say out loud.  It's too important to him. My eyes filled with tears.  In that moment my heart opened up.  I realized that my regard for him had shifted from selfish to selfless.  That's the true test of love.

Everyone has quirks. You know, some oddity or peculiar way of acting. Some people snort when they laugh, wear sandals in the winter time, or go through some weird ritual on game day. Different from being unique, a quirk is something that’s strangely different. I remember a Dr. Phil episode where a wife complained that her husband cried too much. She found it weird and quite unmasculine. When asked more probing questions, it became apparent there was nothing wrong with her husband. He was simply more emotional than what his wife was use to. When he felt something deeply, he cried. Dr. Phil asked if her husband was wimpy in the bedroom. She grinned and said, “No, not at all.” “Do you feel your husband is a bad father?” asked Dr. Phil. “No, he’s a great dad,” she responded. “Then, lighten up. You have a caring husband and loving father."


How can you tell whether something is a quirk or a defect? I suppose if I were to use the Dr. Phil episode, I’d guess it might be a defect if the father’s emotional response was unhealthy in some way. Perhaps if he was coddling the boys or not providing an environment for their healthy growth and development or if he was stuck in a phase of grief, this might be seen as something needing intervention. It was evident that the husband wasn’t harming anyone though. He was just different.

Many couples waste so much time arguing about or criticizing each other. What difference does it make whether the toilet paper is above the roll or pulled from underneath? What difference does it make whether the toothpaste is squeezed from the bottom or from the middle? None of those things is important. Perhaps your wife has a touch of OCD and has to squeegee the shower doors after every shower. Perhaps your husband pours vinegar over his ice cream. It might be interesting, even annoying, but is it hurting anyone? All I’m saying is, maybe we shouldn't major on what's minor and leave what’s major unattended.

The Socially Lonely

Parked under a shade tree, toes dangling out the window and bucket seat reclined, I rummaged through my bag and pulled out my AARP Magazine.  I threw it to the side to dig back inside for Terry MacMillan’s Getting to Happy; but the caption caught my attention-- Why Loneliness is on the Rise.  As I read the article, my mind went to a time when I was really struggling.  Just January of this year, in fact. 

I remember getting into bed, cutting the lights off and crying silently.  I had tried to be a 21^st century woman and embrace singleness.  I even had a daliance with a guy out of pure lust.  Didn’t work.  Though I didn’t suffer hurt, it only left me longing for something real.  My whispers to God in the dark went something like, “God, it’s me again.  I hate coming home to an empty apartment but I can't stomach one more apathetic, unavailable man.  Lord, you gotta help me!”

Silent frustration is not just the ill of those who hail from the 50 year old club.  Quite the contrary.   I’m beginning to hear the cries of frustration in the busyness, or as the article termed it the “frantic busyness,” of those around me.  “Loneliness has increased in America over the past decade, “ says the AARP article.  “Today more than 44 million adults over age 45 suffer from chronic loneliness.”   I went to my yahoo page and searched for the television special that Michael Baisden cited when discussing why so many African American women are single.  I came across a blog called Diary of a Content Black Woman.   While skimming for information, I read a comment from an Anonymous subscriber.  "I have considered suicide.  I am a black woman living in the SW USA.  I am tired of being lonely." 

I wonder if the man surrounded by his buddies at the sports bar watching the game or the woman who is laughing and tapping her toe to the music at the club are secretly lonely.  On the real, would they tell you they wish they had someone special to share their lives with?  Would they tell you that they stay busy because they are tired of eating alone, watching TV alone, sleeping alone and waking up alone?  Did they forego marriage and starting families to achieve certain education or career milestones?  "We got the degree.  We landed the job.  Now, I’m ready for love,” we told ourselves.  But then it seemed there were slim pickings. 

Here we are.  We go on date after date but nothing seems to take.  To cope, we busy ourselves. We work extra long hours.  We enroll in yet another degree program.  All are good things, but not if we do them for the wrong reasons.  To avoid the silence of my apartment, I would sometimes drive home from work, eat and go to bed. 

Loneliness is no fun at all, but I soon learned that avoidance only intensifies its grip.  We avoid it by retreating into familiar isolating behaviors.  We date out of boredom.  Tolerate out of desperation.  Here lies the deception.  We think we are being proactive; not just sulking.  At least we are making an effort.  I can't speak for anyone else but it didn't do anything but make me feel worse. 

What to do?  What to do?   I wish I had some words of wisdom.  I don't.  All I know is that I got to a point where I couldn't put lipstick on it anymore.  Loneliness sucked and I prayed every night for God to give me a loving man.  Perhaps he intensified the pangs so that I would get serious and stop trying to avoid it.  I knew that I couldn't fathom spending age 51 lonely.  No more busyness!  I'm so glad God heard my prayer and sent me a wonderful man. 

Related articles

• Like a Cold, Loneliness Can Spread (fitsugar.com)
• listening to the still small voice... (lastingimages.wordpress.com)
• The Denial of Loneliness (dangerouslee.biz)
• A season of loneliness. (kellieckdahl.wordpress.com)
• Beyond Existential Loneliness (studiowithoutwalls.org)
• Why Loneliness Matters (webmd.com)
• Loneliness Has A Purpose (psychologytoday.com)

Nu Brilliance Microdermabrasion System

I’m not a person who normally watches the Home Shopping Channel or others where they are selling the latest gadget or anti-aging cream – there’s a but coming – but I couldn’t resist Nu Brilliance. You know how it is. You’re pitling along with the TV playing in the background. Someone is trying out new workout equipment swearing that this one is THE ONE, right? Well, this particular morning it was the commercial for Nu Brilliance. I can’t say that it was the celebrity endorsement or that it claimed to be the best microdermabrasion system out there. What struck me was the vacuum feature. This little gizmo not only exfoliated your skin but had a suction. Hum, I thought, I bet that sucker can pull those wrinkles right out. Obviously, I have no experience.  I haven't been to a salon. I've had no facials.  I don’t know what the latest techniques are. But I was intrigued.

So I did the unthinkable!  I called the 1-800 number. In the back of my mind I knew there had to be a catch. After all, this system couldn’t be the best thing since sliced bread and only cost $14.95. Quite the contrary, $14.95 was the in-tro-duc-tory amount. Cutting to the chase, I asked the operator how much the system was. Of course, she answered with her spill, “You can use the system for 30 days. If you aren’t fully satisfied, you can return it. We won’t charge you.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought. “But how much is it if I choose to keep the system?” I asked. “The cost of the system is $239.85 but we'll divide it into 3 easy payments.” My head began to spin!  Then I had a thought.  I'll use it for 30 days then return it lickety-split.  “It comes with free skin care.” Oookay, I thought. “And we’ll automatically send you a 60-day supply for $56.90.” “No, no, no,” I interrupted. “No 60 day supply.”

Back to the system. I did order it. What can I say, aging will make you do some strange things. I wanted to see if this suction thingy would work on my developing wrinkles taking over my forehead.  Besides, the exfoliating tip worked on other parts of your body that reveal your age:  your neck, hands, elbows, even that thick skin that develops above your elbows.  But the crème de la crème --your feet! My ashy husky feet!  This tool could replace my pumice stone and save me trips to the nail salon for a pedicure. Oh joy!

The system arrived in about 5 days.  You would have thought I would have tore right in and start using the system immediately.  I didn't.  It wasn't until last night, almost a week later, that I took it out of the box.  I listened to the DVD in its entirety, as advised, then took it for a spin. Even on the low setting, you could feel that vacuum action.  The DVD made it look almost effortless, but real time was a little more challenging.  I reminded myself of what I heard on the DVD:  brace the skin and stroke in the opposite direction.  It got a little easier.  I'm happy to report that I didn’t overdo the treatment or suck the skin off my face. That’s a good thing…lol!  I know this is gonna sound kinda hokie, but it really worked.  The next morning, I ran to the mirror.  My skin had a glow to it.  It was smoother and the wrinkles across my forehead had diminished significantly. Honest!  This little thing might end of being worth its weight in gold. I’ve got 3 more weeks to try it, so I’m going to really really make the effort.  Who knows, it might be worth the cost. The real test is gonna be my feet.  I’ll keep you posted. Latta!

Related articles

• Organic Microdermabrasion with Baking Soda (cinnabaracupuncture.wordpress.com)
• How Your Skin Changes As You Age (self.com)
• How to Take Care of Your Skin (healthandbeautybuzz.wordpress.com)
• Benefits of Facials (marisskincare.wordpress.com)

Style Is Ageless So Amp It Up

For a few days now, I’ve been rethinking my sense of style. What use to work for me just doesn’t fit anymore. It’s not that I’ve gotten leaner or stouter. It’s just that Suzette has grown in consciousness and Suzetteness. Yes, Suzetteness.


So where does one go when they have a fashion emergency? I can’t think of any place betta than TLC’s What Not To Wear. Surely, Stacy and Clint can help! After all, they’ve helped countless outdated and downright pitiful-dressin folks bring some freshness to their otherwise shame-shame-shame wardrobe.

Oh, you haven’t heard of the show? Well, let me tell you a little somethin about it. Two celebrity stylists – Stacy and Clint – appear out of nowhere and approach some unsuspecting person about their hideous style. Like police, fashion police that is, they accost some poor soul along their family, friends or coworkers and tell them they’ve been nominated for What Not To Wear. They are stunned – and I’m sure a little embarrassed - but good-naturedly agree to allow Stacy and Clint to coach them as they spend $5000 on a brand new wardrobe.

Today’s show was full of fashion nuggets but two in particular struck me. First, shop for outfits not just pieces. I gotta start doing that! The second was in response to a client’s criticism of some shoes Stacy and Clint had picked out. “They don’t match the outfit,” she complained. “But they go,” says Stacy. Ummmm, I thought to myself. Doesn’t matter the color so much if they go with the outfit. Got it!

Style is ageless. You just got to know how to make it work for you. Clothes should be reflection of who you are and your spirit. My clothes are a hodgepodge of eras in my life. Some good, some not so good, some loooooong gone. So, out with the old and in with the new. I’m gonna amp it up!

NECESSITY

Ever so often, I have to change it up a bit. Grow my hair. Cut my hair. A little makeup. A more glam look. The natural laid-back me. The passion for fashion diva. Sometimes it’s an impulse to take a different route to work or grab a bite at a bistro rather than eat my bag lunch. Or like last night, rather than spend my entire Friday indoors and retire early, I accepted an invite to watch Eat Pray Love with my Raleigh family. I’m tired as a mug but have a big smile on my face!

Someone asked Jane Fonda, now 73, how she has made it in an industry that frowns upon aging. “I’m the queen of reinvention,” she said. Or maybe that was how Oprah touted her. I’m not saying that she hasn’t used cosmetic surgery--a nip here and a tuck there--over her seven decades of life. But a new face doesn’t give you a sparkle in your eyes and a spring in your steps. Take Vickie Winans for example. She was a guest at Women’s Empowerment some two or three years ago. What struck me most wasn’t her signature swinging ponytail or her amazing vocal range. I had come to expect nothing less from Vickie. Rather, it was how she pranced up and down those steps leading up to the stage with the youthful abandonment of a teenager. How was she able to do that?!  Brought to mind Betty White’s response when she was asked how she remained so vibrant in her 80’s. “I have stairs and I’m very forgetful,” she said with a chuckle.

Necessity is the mother of invention. I can’t recall who said that but I think we’ve all heard it at some time or other. I watched Liz's flashbacks of the progression of discomfort.  The lifestyle of passivity she had adopted.  There was no joy, no taste, no passion.  She had ignored the whispers and the shouts.  And now a brick had hit her up side the head.  A divorce.  It was now necessary to heal her broken life.  I know that Eat Pray Love is just a movie. But the role of necessity in reclaiming us, growing us and reinventing us masterfully plays out in the journey of one woman. 

In my youth, I think most change or reinvention, as it were, was inspired by vanity. I wanted to look, live or act a certain way to appeal to a certain group.  After my divorce, however, vanity took a back seat to survival.  My shopping sprees were no more as survival and providing for my son took center stage.  With age has come a shift in priorities, that's for sure.  It’s not just about painting the outside for curb appeal but understanding that if there are termites, faulty wiring or leaky pipes, no one cares about how cute the house is.

If it’s toning your body, forging a new career pathway or updating your wardrobe, necessity is the drive behind it. Project Runway mentor, Tim Gunn, who celebrated his 58th birthday yesterday, attributes his youthfulness to a zest for life. In an interview, he said he approaches life with a sense of wonder and excitement. He, who describes his youth as introverted and geeky, went from shy and isolated to teaching.  And from teaching to becoming a style icon on a hit reality show. I don't know what inspired him but I'd bet it was to meet some type of need. 

Over the past few days, I've blogged about my struggle with a sore throat, most likely caused by acid reflux.  It's been a beast!  Nevertheless, I have to say that it's also been a gift.  The intensity of the discomfort necessitated that I do something I had not done before. Try something I had not tried before.  Nexium was no longer working.  Raising the head of my bed or eating more leafy vegetables wasn't enough.  Not eating after 7pm and exercising brought no sustainable relief. I had to reach outside of the box and invite spiritual guidance as I sought a new path.  As I reflect on the journey, its value has been greater than I could have imagined!

My throat is no longer sore!  Yay!  Just as valuable is the knowledge I've gained.  The benefits of licorice extract, slippery elm and apple cider vinegar not only to addressing my symptoms but to my overall health.  Herbs have been used for hundreds of years yet modern medicine has convinced us to pop a pill. We medicate symptoms and leave issues unresolved.  We pay for convenience rather than adopting more healthy alternatives.  Remedies are as close as our kitchen cabinets and we don't even know it.  We spend hundreds of dollars in prescription medications when a bottle of vinegar, aloe vera juice or a 20 minute walk could bring relief.  I have been forever changed by this experience.

Now, I'm ready to reinvent my environment. Sooooooo what's it gonna be?  The loft or my closet?

Getting Better

After reading more about licorice extract, I'm going to have to be more judicious in how much I use it.  Prolonged use can cause raised blood pressure or renal issues.  For this reason, it's recommended that usage is spaced out or if you use it daily to take a break from it once a month.  I have noticed that I'm having increased headaches.  I don't know what it's from.  In my reading, some people complained of headaches with licorice extract use.  I've been taking 500 mg prescription strength DGL licorice extract every night.  That stuff does work very well.  I am reflux free for an average 6 hours, allowing me to get a good night sleep.  However, tonight, I'm taking some slippery elm bark and drinking some apple cider vinegar. We'll see how that works.  If my headaches decrease, then I'll know that I might need a lesser strength of the licorice extract.  Moreover, if what I try tonight works, I might have an overall healthier alternative. 

Well, I'm experimenting to get the right regimen and dosage.  It takes time.  At least my throat has stopped hurting.  Thank God!