A soft answer turns away wrath. I think that comes from Proverbs in the Bible. I can't tell you what chapter and verse but it's in there. When I was young, I took that to mean saying it nice. But like many kids, just because I said "I'm sorry" didn't mean I meant it. So, to me, a soft answer was only so I wouldn't get a belt on my bottom, but in private, my anger intensified!
Moreover, the way folks communicated around me was blunt, sharp and without anesthesia. Blaming, shaming and attacking was what people did when they got mad. Or they'd say they weren't mad but you could fry an egg on the heat coming from their face! As I grew up, I adopted this way of expressing my frustration or discontent. When people would distance, I claimed they weren't being real. They couldn't haaandle the truth.
With age (and a boyfriend) has come perspective. I've been on the receiving end and truth is, words do hurt. Death and life is in the power of the tongue. These words from the Bible are very true. So what is a soft answer? Is it spineless? Is it fake or patronizing? I don't think so. I don't even think it is really about the tone of your response. I think it's more about respect and caring. That's where the intensity should be.
When I was going to school for Human Services, one of the main skills we worked on was empathy. Different from sympathy where you feel sorry for the person, it was the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. To help us to develop this skill, we practiced reflecting. Two people would face each other. One would talk about something, such as a situation at work, and the other would identify the feeling behind the words. We'd also say what the other person just said, but in our own words. The exercise wasn't about regurgitating content but gaining understanding.
Now, in order for this dialogue to be genuine, the listener had to approach the person with acceptance and warm positive regard. The listener couldn't give advice, take over the conversation or dismiss anything the speaker was saying. Rather, the focus was to make the speaker feel heard. Maybe that is the point of resolving the moment. It removes you from the intensity of the disagreement and brings both people back to a safe place. A place where no one feels threatened.
Think about it. Even a wounded animal will let you take a splinter out of its paw if it doesn't feel threatened. It has to feel safe. You have to speak softly. As qualified as a veterinarian is to treat the wound, he has to respect the animal's point of reference before he can even get close. The greater the pain, the gentler the approach.
No doubt, honesty is necessary for a healthy relationship. You must speak from the heart without fear of rejection or retaliation. At the same time, your interaction with others must be nonthreatening. Ladies, you can be passionate in saying how you feel without blame or attack. And gentlemen, you can be rational in your response without problem solving her feelings. Simply, acknowledge her feelings first.
For the sake of balance and keeping it real, I must clarify by saying there is another side to this. In my article, A Defensive Man Can't Love, I talk about barriers to a man's availability. After all, relating does require that both people show up. Give it a read and tell me what you think.
