Wednesday, September 8, 2010
50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: Natural Hair Journey: Transitioning
50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: Natural Hair Journey: Transitioning: "Image by FloraClayflower ~ on obstacle road ~ via FlickrTransitioning is a BEAST! I think we’ve all been there. That creamy crack (hair rel..."
Natural Hair Journey: Transitioning
For those of you who are transitioning to natural hair or thinking about it, I have some advice.
Have. A. Plan. I agree with Candee, a fellow blogger on Natural QTs Blog on this one. Sure, you plan to go natural. But you need some direction. Now, Candee's plan focused on styling. Me? I think you need to take some other factors into consideration as you develop your plan. Hair type. Environment. Budget.
Hair Type. When I first started my natural hair journey, I didn't know there were different hair textures. All I knew was "I like that style." And all I wanted to know was, "How do I make my hair look like that?" One of the best things anyone could have done was point me to websites that talked about hair texture. One really good site is Naturallycurly.com. 4b's holla! Sidebar. If you have kinky coily spongy hair, no matter what products you use, you will not have a loose wavy curl pattern. So, learn what you hair will and won't do and run with that.
Environment. In her blog post "Say It Loud," Candee talks about living in Raleigh and how humid it is. This brings up an important point. Know how your environment affects your hair needs. You may live in an environment where the air is dry. If so, products that help your hair retain moisture are essential. Trust me, it matters. Another aspect of environment is what type of job you have. One of my friends is in the military. There are strict guidelines for how you wear your hair. So, before you go natural take stock of your surroundings.
Budget. Going natural can be expensive - at least, at first. Many natural sisters admit to being product junkies. I don't consider myself to be an addict, per se; but while experimenting with various products, I have accumulated enough product to fill the cabinet underneath my bathroom sink! To avoid this, I suggest that you join a natural hair group. This way, you can benefit from product swops. Members bring their product to share with others. This way, you can try before you buy.
Styling. Admittedly, I didn't do this transitioning thing proper. The first thing I did was look for hair styles. I was getting tired of getting up every day and roller setting my hair. Having only 1 inch of new growth, I needed to find TWA's (teenie weenie afros). After visiting several sites, I found it. My muse. A TWA with pretty shaping around the hairline. That's it, I thought.
My funniest memory was the day after my BC (Big Chop). I went to a natural hair meetup group in Virginia. There I was, thinking I looked great; but when I got back in my car, I noticed how dry and dusty my hair looked. Instead of feelin bad, I decided to have a good laugh. So one final tip: Learn how to use the products. Just as you wouldn't deep condition then shampoo, you need to understand what your products do and apply them in the correct order.
It might be difficult at first, but for me, it has been worth the investment.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Confidantes
He says there are usually three categories that most people fit into. These are comrades, constituents and confidantes. Comrades are folks you align yourself with to fight a common foe. Other than having a common threat or enemy, you have no other connection with this person. Kinda reminds me of how neighbors help each other after a calamity. A tornado hits. People who don't even like each other rally together to help lift trees off houses or to help pull someone out of the rubble. Yet after the emergency is over, the argument over property line continues.
The second category are the constituents. These are people whom you share a common goal or interest with. Meetup.com was a God-send for me in that regard. After my son went to college, I sought to build a social network with people I could enjoy different activities with. The only caution about constituents is they are not interested in you. Say you decide you don't want to participate anymore, a constituent will no longer seek you out. It's about the goal, nothing but the goal, so help me God!
Hence the problem. Most of us confuse constituents as confidantes. Add shared interest and a great personality and it's easy to start thinking of these relationships as more substantive than they really are. I genuinely believe that one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is everybody says, "today, I marry my best friend" when in fact that person is merely a constituent. You see, a confidante is someone who cares about you. They are not concerned about you meeting an ideal. They are not concerned about how you can help them reach their goals. Even though you may share a common threat or common interests, you can remove any of the above and they'll still choose to stay. They are in it for you and you alone.
In Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion - the play not the movie - one daughter asks her fiance, "What do I do for you?" He can't answer. All he seems concerned with is his woman this and his woman that. He is consumed with her appearance and how she fits into his world.
Bishop Jakes concludes that many disappointments can be avoided if we'd learn how to recognize what role a person plays in our lives. Some comrades. Some constituents. Granted, every person has their place. When it comes to love, though, he's got to be a confidante.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
My Path to Liberation
Divorce. Who would have thought that I, Suzette Randolph, Alice and Randy's daughter, born again blood washed child of the Most High, would suffer a divorce? And as if once wasn't enough, TWICE? To the same man? That's unreal!
When you get married to someone, the joining together is more than the ceremony. Every part of you is directly or indirectly joined to every part of the other person. That's what makes it spiritual. You are joined to every flaw - real or imagined - whether you know about it or don't. Every weakness, every unresolved issue, every wound, every family secret, ghosts of relationships past, what they did get as a child, what they didn't get, every insecurity, every set of circumstances that cause that person to feel insecure. So it's no small feat to unjoin.
On April of 2003, I answered four questions about my marital state. The judge hit the podium with his gavel and it was over. Little did I know that physically divorcing someone is the easy part. With each year, each month, each week, each day, each moment, I would be divorcing some part of myself from that union. Believe it or not, although fibers of that cord to my heart have snapped, I think I am just feeling the final fiber being pulled away and finally, FINALLY, my heart being freed.
There were three distinct moments when I felt the liberation. One of those moments was when I threw away my exit plan. Everyone who has abandonment issues has an exit plan. Hello. Our antenna is always up and when we feel the least bit intimidated, we will reject you before you reject us. Dr. Phil calls it playing the game of love with sweaty palms. We always have doubts and fears that fuel our fight-or-flight responses in relationships.
Another moment was when I no longer feared loving. Amazingly, that came after conflict. Major conflict! I was amazed that my close girlfriend said about my boyfriend, "he REALLY cares for you. Not many men would have opened up and been that vulnerable in front of your friends." They saw something that I was too trapped in my own head to see: presence, realness and a desire to do the work of relating. When I took a step back, I saw it too. It was at that point that I was no longer afraid to love him.
Typically, when I ask him for something and he doesn't give it to me, I get mad. Then the torment starts. "He is withholding from you," my feelings of insecurity whisper. "He's dismissing what's important to you. See, he is different now that he thinks he has you. See." Usually, that is grounds for me to fight, to run or to fight and run. This time, this morning in fact, I didn't act on those fears. Instead, I said what I needed to say, he said what he needed to say and he exited to the living room before things got too heated. After he left, I sent him a text that said simply, "I love you." At that moment, that last soul tie to my failed marriage popped from my heart.
You see, one of my core values is choice. That goes with the freedom, liberation, honoring and respect theme that pulsates deep within me. I asked for something. He said no. I didn't like it; but everyone has the right to say "no." Further, we should be able to say "no" without rejection, shaming or retaliation. By not going into attack mode, we were able to exit the disagreement with our dignity in tact. Moreover, rather than lamenting over his "no," I went to church. There, I got a "yes" from God that brought relief and release.
Loving someone is not wasted time. It is when we are most like God. When you don't run from intimacy anymore, the past no longer has a hold on you. When you no longer kick yourself for all that you sacrificed to make a relationship work, I believe you have reclaimed your heart. No resentment. No longer feeling like a fool. No longer beating yourself up for all you invested only for the relationship to end. No longer walled up to ensure the next man or woman won't do that to you - whatever your that is.
I remember sharing with my sister that I no longer feel bad about what I did to keep my marriage. Do you realize how huge that was? Wow! I don't regret it! I don't regret the money I gave for him to start his business or for the downpayment on our home. That's what a wife does. I don't resent caring for him as his spinal degenerative disease progressed and his nervous system was compromised. That's what a wife does. I don't regret going to counseling, crying, praying, believing in him, hoping against hope that we would get better. That's what a wife does. There is no shame in it. In fact, I am proud of it. I am proud of me!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Intensity Without Attack
A soft answer turns away wrath. I think that comes from Proverbs in the Bible. I can't tell you what chapter and verse but it's in there. When I was young, I took that to mean saying it nice. But like many kids, just because I said "I'm sorry" didn't mean I meant it. So, to me, a soft answer was only so I wouldn't get a belt on my bottom, but in private, my anger intensified!
Moreover, the way folks communicated around me was blunt, sharp and without anesthesia. Blaming, shaming and attacking was what people did when they got mad. Or they'd say they weren't mad but you could fry an egg on the heat coming from their face! As I grew up, I adopted this way of expressing my frustration or discontent. When people would distance, I claimed they weren't being real. They couldn't haaandle the truth.
With age (and a boyfriend) has come perspective. I've been on the receiving end and truth is, words do hurt. Death and life is in the power of the tongue. These words from the Bible are very true. So what is a soft answer? Is it spineless? Is it fake or patronizing? I don't think so. I don't even think it is really about the tone of your response. I think it's more about respect and caring. That's where the intensity should be.
When I was going to school for Human Services, one of the main skills we worked on was empathy. Different from sympathy where you feel sorry for the person, it was the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. To help us to develop this skill, we practiced reflecting. Two people would face each other. One would talk about something, such as a situation at work, and the other would identify the feeling behind the words. We'd also say what the other person just said, but in our own words. The exercise wasn't about regurgitating content but gaining understanding.
Now, in order for this dialogue to be genuine, the listener had to approach the person with acceptance and warm positive regard. The listener couldn't give advice, take over the conversation or dismiss anything the speaker was saying. Rather, the focus was to make the speaker feel heard. Maybe that is the point of resolving the moment. It removes you from the intensity of the disagreement and brings both people back to a safe place. A place where no one feels threatened.
Think about it. Even a wounded animal will let you take a splinter out of its paw if it doesn't feel threatened. It has to feel safe. You have to speak softly. As qualified as a veterinarian is to treat the wound, he has to respect the animal's point of reference before he can even get close. The greater the pain, the gentler the approach.
No doubt, honesty is necessary for a healthy relationship. You must speak from the heart without fear of rejection or retaliation. At the same time, your interaction with others must be nonthreatening. Ladies, you can be passionate in saying how you feel without blame or attack. And gentlemen, you can be rational in your response without problem solving her feelings. Simply, acknowledge her feelings first.
For the sake of balance and keeping it real, I must clarify by saying there is another side to this. In my article, A Defensive Man Can't Love, I talk about barriers to a man's availability. After all, relating does require that both people show up. Give it a read and tell me what you think.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Emotional Availability: Gratitude Instead of Attitude
Don't get digusted but some of my greatest reading happens while on the toilet. I've been bouncing around the notion of emotional unavailability for a couple of days now. Although most books and articles you read on the matter have merit, I'm discovering the information needs to be weighed carefully before you label someone.
I am into self-help books. Have been since my first aha moment came while reading a book lying idly on my sister's bed: Love Is A Choice. I couldn't figure out why I was stuck emotionally in a relationship that was long over. This book got me unstuck. I digress. Back to my epiphany while sitting on the Great White Throne.
I picked up one of my books, Relationship Rescue, and, honest-to-goodness, there was a business card I had used as a bookmark on page 155. My eyes went automatically to the section called Emotional Needs but right above it, these words jumped out:
While browsing various articles online, I came across this statement: If you keep attracting men who are unavailable, then something inside of you is unavailable (I paraphrase). How profound! In the words of my friend, Pam, "Good God-A-Mighty!" As I sit here pondering that answer to a post on Answer.com, I realize that when I was unattached, I met my own emotional needs. I wasn't starved for attention. I paid attention. I wasn't starved for connection. I surrounded myself with like-minded people who were available to dish, to go places, to give warm hugs and interact with me. When I longed for spiritual connection, I found ways to reconnect with my inner core. When I needed pampering, I'd consult my Musiq Soulchild playlist and soak in an aromatic bath. What happened to me? Like many people, when I met that special someone, I made him responsible for my feelings. One could argue that by doing so, I became unavailable for me... and for him.
How many good men or women get thrown away because they don't do what we want, when we want and how we want? How many people have we abandoned? How many people have been spooked by our neediness?! If they meet our needs, we feel good. We might even say we're falling in love or have found our soulmate. If they don't, we diss-and-dismiss. We shrug it off as incompatibility or...well....unavailability.
When you realize your own power or your Higher Power's ability to meet your needs, there's a grace that settles over you. You don't hold your partner at gunpoint. And you don't just throw people away haphazardly. You have a sense of joy that radiates from within. You have a concern about the health and well-being of others. It makes people feel comfortable being around you. You appreciate what they add to your life. Ummm, gratitude instead of attitude.
I don't say this as one who has attained. Not. At. All. I struggle like the next person. Just ask my friends. My girlfriends who feel with me. My male friends who reason with me. And my wonderful guy who is happy just to have me in his life - emotional and all. Priceless!
I am into self-help books. Have been since my first aha moment came while reading a book lying idly on my sister's bed: Love Is A Choice. I couldn't figure out why I was stuck emotionally in a relationship that was long over. This book got me unstuck. I digress. Back to my epiphany while sitting on the Great White Throne.
I picked up one of my books, Relationship Rescue, and, honest-to-goodness, there was a business card I had used as a bookmark on page 155. My eyes went automatically to the section called Emotional Needs but right above it, these words jumped out:
A note about emotional needs: this is a broad category that deals with how you need to feel. How you need to feel is up to you, not your partner. Your partner cannot make you feel the way you feel, but your partner can help you achieve your desired feelings by becoming aware of what they are and sensitive to the fact that they are important to you. At this point, don't worry about how you expect your partner to respond to these needs. Identify them so that you can communicate them.WOW! Just about blew me off the throne! Unknown to but a friend or two - okay, maybe a dozen - I have been struggling with my emotional needs.
While browsing various articles online, I came across this statement: If you keep attracting men who are unavailable, then something inside of you is unavailable (I paraphrase). How profound! In the words of my friend, Pam, "Good God-A-Mighty!" As I sit here pondering that answer to a post on Answer.com, I realize that when I was unattached, I met my own emotional needs. I wasn't starved for attention. I paid attention. I wasn't starved for connection. I surrounded myself with like-minded people who were available to dish, to go places, to give warm hugs and interact with me. When I longed for spiritual connection, I found ways to reconnect with my inner core. When I needed pampering, I'd consult my Musiq Soulchild playlist and soak in an aromatic bath. What happened to me? Like many people, when I met that special someone, I made him responsible for my feelings. One could argue that by doing so, I became unavailable for me... and for him.
How many good men or women get thrown away because they don't do what we want, when we want and how we want? How many people have we abandoned? How many people have been spooked by our neediness?! If they meet our needs, we feel good. We might even say we're falling in love or have found our soulmate. If they don't, we diss-and-dismiss. We shrug it off as incompatibility or...well....unavailability.
When you realize your own power or your Higher Power's ability to meet your needs, there's a grace that settles over you. You don't hold your partner at gunpoint. And you don't just throw people away haphazardly. You have a sense of joy that radiates from within. You have a concern about the health and well-being of others. It makes people feel comfortable being around you. You appreciate what they add to your life. Ummm, gratitude instead of attitude.
I don't say this as one who has attained. Not. At. All. I struggle like the next person. Just ask my friends. My girlfriends who feel with me. My male friends who reason with me. And my wonderful guy who is happy just to have me in his life - emotional and all. Priceless!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Intimacy of Conflict
There were various opinions on the matter. In The Intimate Marriage, the writers talk about conflict-habituated. A couple who fights all the time, yet are still together was who they were referencing. My immediate thought. gray hair, false teeth and still fighting! "The need to do battle with one another is the cohesion that holds these couples together." they explain. Hum, not what I was looking for. On the other hand, the Gottman's. "Constructive conflict," they call it, is a gentler approach. Masters at it "soften the way they bring up an issue..." Nope. Doesn't fit me. Doesn't fit him. Doesn't fit us.
But you know, I don't think Natalie was talking about either. The way I heard it was there is a coming together in fighting. The rubbing together. The friction. Its the involvement, the tugging, the act of pushing up against that smooths those jagged edges and creates a bond. How different from what I was taught or what I've heard. "Marriage is give-and-take," I've heard. "You got to learn to compromise. Self-sacrifice. Take one for the team. SUBMIT. " ARGHHHHH. I've tried wearing these ideals. I've tried using softer language. I've tried using "I" statements instead of "you." I've tried, I've tried, I've tried. But it's me playing a role. It's not real for me. What of equality? Why should he win at my expense or he lose so I can have way? To me, something's wrong with that. Why can't there be a win-win?
Truth is, there are some arguments that'll never end. Battles that'll never be won. He may never understand how you feel. She may never do that thing that you what. You have to find a way to not let conflict polute your affection for each other or your connection with each other. Managing the moment. Now, that rings true for me. In fact, that was what the couples at Supper Club did for us. Instead of focusing on who had the more valid point, they identified the underlying need and attempted to broker how we could help each other. We weren't trying to hurt each other or dismiss each other, rather, were protecting what was precious to us. In her article, How To Turn Conflict Into Intimacy, Elizabeth Dickson, LCSW, reflects on what Psychologist Dan Wile calls “solving the moment rather than solving the problem.”
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