Emotional Availability: Gratitude Instead of Attitude

Don't get digusted but some of my greatest reading happens while on the toilet.  I've been bouncing around the notion of emotional unavailability for a couple of days now.  Although most books and articles you read on the matter have merit, I'm discovering the information needs to be weighed carefully before you label someone. 

I am into self-help books.  Have been since my first aha moment came while reading a book lying idly on my sister's bed:  Love Is A Choice.  I couldn't figure out why I was stuck emotionally in a relationship that was long over.  This book got me unstuck.  I digress.  Back to my epiphany while sitting on the Great White Throne. 

I picked up one of my books, Relationship Rescue, and, honest-to-goodness, there was a business card I had used as a bookmark on page 155.  My eyes went automatically to the section called Emotional Needs but right above it, these words jumped out:

A note about emotional needs: this is a broad category that deals with how you need to feel.  How you need to feel is up to you, not your partner.  Your partner cannot make you feel the way you feel, but your partner can help you achieve your desired feelings by becoming aware of what they are and sensitive to the fact that they are important to you.  At this point, don't worry about how you expect your partner to respond to these needs. Identify them so that you can communicate them.

WOW!  Just about blew me off the throne!  Unknown to but a friend or two - okay, maybe a dozen - I have been struggling with my emotional needs. 

While browsing various articles online, I came across this statement: If you keep attracting men who are unavailable, then something inside of you is unavailable (I paraphrase).  How profound! In the words of my friend, Pam, "Good God-A-Mighty!" As I sit here pondering that answer to a post on Answer.com, I realize that when I was unattached, I met my own emotional needs.  I wasn't starved for attention.  I paid attention.  I wasn't starved for connection.  I surrounded myself with like-minded people who were available to dish, to go places, to give warm hugs and interact with me.  When I longed for spiritual connection, I found ways to reconnect with my inner core.  When I needed pampering, I'd consult my Musiq Soulchild playlist and soak in an aromatic bath.  What happened to me?  Like many people, when I met that special someone, I made him responsible for my feelings. One could argue that by doing so, I became unavailable for me... and for him.

How many good men or women get thrown away because they don't do what we want, when we want and how we want?  How many people have we abandoned?  How many people have been spooked by our neediness?!  If they meet our needs, we feel good.  We might even say we're falling in love or have found our soulmate.  If they don't, we diss-and-dismiss.  We shrug it off as incompatibility or...well....unavailability.

When you realize your own power or your Higher Power's ability to meet your needs, there's a grace that settles over you.  You don't hold your partner at gunpoint.  And you don't just throw people away haphazardly.  You have a sense of joy that radiates from within.  You have a concern about the health and well-being of others.  It makes people feel comfortable being around you.  You appreciate what they add to your life.  Ummm, gratitude instead of attitude.

I don't say this as one who has attained.  Not. At. All.  I struggle like the next person.  Just ask my friends.  My girlfriends who feel with me.  My male friends who reason with me.  And my wonderful guy who is happy just to have me in his life - emotional and all.  Priceless!

The Intimacy of Conflict

On Saturday night, my guy and I went to a Supper Club with two other couples.  We talked about various topics from our favorite movies to conflicts we were having with our significant others.  "People think that intimacy is romantic bonding but it's when you clash that creates intimacy."  This my friend, Natalie, said while rubbing her hands together signifying two people at odds.  I had NEVER thought of conflict as intimacy.  I was intrigued.  So, I did as I often do when I want to know more about something.  I googled.

There were various opinions on the matter.  In The Intimate Marriage, the writers talk about conflict-habituated.  A couple who fights all the time, yet are still together was who they were referencing.  My immediate thought. gray hair, false teeth and still fighting!  "The need to do battle with one another is the cohesion that holds these couples together." they explain.  Hum, not what I was looking for.  On the other hand, the Gottman's.  "Constructive conflict," they call it, is a gentler approach.  Masters at it "soften the way they bring up an issue..."  Nope.  Doesn't fit me.  Doesn't fit him. Doesn't fit us.

But you know, I don't think Natalie was talking about either. The way I heard it was there is a coming together in fighting. The rubbing together. The friction.  Its the involvement, the tugging, the act of pushing up against that smooths those jagged edges and creates a bond.  How different from what I was taught or what I've heard.  "Marriage is give-and-take," I've heard.  "You got to learn to compromise.  Self-sacrifice.  Take one for the team. SUBMIT. "  ARGHHHHH.  I've tried wearing these ideals.  I've tried using softer language. I've tried using "I" statements instead of "you."  I've tried, I've tried, I've tried.  But it's me playing a role.  It's not real for me.  What of equality?  Why should he win at my expense or he lose so I can have way?  To me, something's wrong with that.  Why can't there be a win-win?

Truth is, there are some arguments that'll never end. Battles that'll never be won. He may never understand how you feel. She may never do that thing that you what. You have to find a way to not let conflict polute your affection for each other or your connection with each other.  Managing the moment.  Now, that rings true for me. In fact, that was what the couples at Supper Club did for us.  Instead of focusing on who had the more valid point, they identified the underlying need and attempted to broker how we could help each other.  We weren't trying to hurt each other or dismiss each other, rather, were protecting what was precious to us.  In her article, How To Turn Conflict Into Intimacy, Elizabeth Dickson, LCSW, reflects on what Psychologist Dan Wile calls “solving the moment rather than solving the problem.”

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The Promise of God Is Still

"God is still blessing although it looks like things are standing still." These words reverberated from the lips of Minister Keke, the speaker for today at Fulfilled Promise Tabernacle, to my slumbering purpose. Although it seems that my dream is simply that - a dream - and there is no movement, it is still. It still exists. It is still relevant. There is still life.


Minister Keke had several points, but two caused me to stop and ask a member beside me for a pen and paper.

"Devotion without emotion is short-lived."

Emotion is the BEing. Your being gives life and passion to purpose. Without it, you are but a corpse - dead man walking. So, how do I infuse my dream with my being?

My truest self is passionate about authenticity. Not playing a role or living a fictitious life.  I remember spending countless hours in the library, reading self-help, psychology type books, articles or anything I could get my hands on.  Another expression of my being resists boxes, constructs, restrictions. I seek to climb higher. To see broader. To breathe deeper. To experience richer. To uncover what's hidden. Third, my being longs for connection.  Connection with my core. Connection with my God. Connection with others. Outside of that, there is no motivation. No devotion. Just going through the motions.

"Manifestation is not complete without declaration."

What is the spiritual part of me declaring? Doesn't matter how many people are writing the same things, there is an audience for my BEing. No one writes like me.  No one puts words together as I do.  I am to write about the Truth that has been revealed to me.  Topics that connect us on a human level. Topics that evoke honesty. Honesty with one's self. Honesty with God. Honesty that holds us to a higher standard of living, experiencing and relating.  This is the only road to manifestation.

No empty declarations.  To the untrained ear, it might sound substantive; but many of us declare out of lack or desperation. We don't have enough money.  To this, we declare that "the wealth of the wicked is laid up for the just." But is it of faith?  Naw, cause our minds are filled with dread. Rather than declaring out of fullness or the revelation of our Being, we become like The Cowardly Lion on the Wizard of Oz, shaking and quivering. "I do believe in spooks.  I do believe in spooks.  I do, I do, I do!" It is nervous, uncertain, anxiety-ridden. On the other hand, when we know who we are, we can say as Caleb and Joshua, "we are well able to take the land."

Hence, my mission statement: To write, out of my Being, words that illuminate and evoke honesty, liberty and connection.

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Who You BE?

Who are you....really? Or in the words of older folk, "Who you be?" The path to true joy - abiding joy - is not merely in the doing or even in the having. It is in the BEing.

Most people believe that if they 'have' a thing (more time, money, love - whatever) then they can finally 'do' a thing (write a book, take up a hobby, go on vacation, buy a home, undertake a relationship), which will enable them to 'be' a thing (happy, peaceful, content, or in love).

I don't know if this quote from Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations With God spearheaded the BE - DO - HAVE Principle. Or whether it's necessarily the truest path for all people. But when I came across this in my coaching stuff, it grabbed me. In essence, it encourages us not to concentrate on having. Rather, the doing and having should flow out of your BEing.

Most of my life was judged by my doing. If I sang well, won the 50 yard dash or brought home A's and B's, I was rewarded. If not, the words--and possibly my butt--stung! Maybe that's why I am a bookkeeper. Earning money was more of a priority than finding my passion and making it lucrative. Though there's nothing wrong with a job well done or having things, we shouldn't be owned by it.

Writing is my dream. It allows my soul to have a voice. But my dream needs to be more defined. Further it needs to become a mission statement that is both attainable and measurable. Go with me into my think-tank. What am I passionate about? What would I do if nobody paid me a dime? I'd read self-improvement books. I'd grab a nonfiction relationship how-to book in a hot minute, put my feet up and read it from cover to cover. And then....then...I'd write about it. Ha ha ha!

Certainly, the most read articles tend to be about celebrities, money, politics and sports. Notwithstanding, before you take out your measuring tape and regurgitate market statistics, let me clarify. In order for your dream to be realistic, ask yourself if it is suited to your temperament, your interest, your unique skill sets, your heartbeat. Dreams outside of that aren't genuine. Dreams outside of that are fiction. Dreams outside of that are merely the fantasies of DOing and HAVing. I could write about what's popular but there'd be no purpose. No joy. No BEing. Suffice it to say, in order for me to succeed as a writer, I have to respect the beat of my own heart.

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Is Your Mind Stopping You From Succeeding?

Like the teacher who has scolded the student who knaws on a pencil and stares out the window, I've suppressed my dream for "more important matters." I, like most people, have been so oversaturated with the day-to-day trying to put food on the table that I have stopped...well....dreaming.

Okay, I have a blog. Check. I've announced it on Facebook. Check. I have two followers. Check. Now what? Consulting my alma mater, CANA Inc. sounds like a good place to start. Coach MacKenzie, I'm coming to pick your brain hunny!

"The only thing stopping you from success is your mind. And that can be easily changed," she says. Okay, Suzette, let's get back in touch with the dreamer. It's time to let your soul speak.

Welcome To My Blog

Welcome to my blog! My name is Suzette Hinton and I'm a writer. Man, that feels good to say. I...am....a... WRITER! Would you believe that I started out contributing to online directories - Ezinearticles.com was my first - and now I have 31 published articles and have gotten over 50,000 views?! Wow!

So, why blog? To keep it fresh. I haven't published in almost a year and I long for that flow again. I believe that blogging will unpop my cork of ideas and help me to regain my rhythm. You play a part in this. I want you to share your thoughts, opinions and feedback to featured articles. You're welcome to go to the article itself and comment or comment directly on my blog.

Now, I have to warn you, I'm new to blogging, so if some gadget/application I set up isn't working, in time I'll get it right. Feel free to share some tips and tricks of the blogging trade as well. In the meantime, let's talk!