Make Room

Before going to bed, I had seen Oprah's 25^th Season: Behind the Scenes. Do you remember the media hailstorm after it was revealed that a guest author had misrepresented his experiences in his book? I remember bits and pieces of it. What I do remember most was Oprah's upset. Some people even felt she was very harsh in how she handled him. For when she invited him back on the show, she was forceful and showed no compassion. What Sheri Salata shared with Oprah was that he came to the show expecting something different. He didn't expect to be confronted in that manner. I felt tears well up in my eyes.

How awful it must have been for him.  To come into a place where you feel you will be treated with respect only to be publicly flogged. Searching her intentions for that encounter and her feelings at the time, Oprah admitted she was not interested in his truth. She wasn't interested in him at all. He had taken advantage of her and had threatened her integrity with her viewers. She couldn't have cared less about his reasons. It wasn't until her Wise Self, the God of all Grace, confronted her that she realized she had mishandled that moment. I can't remember her exact words but in essence, "When you feel the need to defend who you are, you are moving in Ego not Truth." That spoke to me.

Though I believe my past relationships with men needed to end, I have to admit the role my Ego played. It caused me to oscillate between blaming him or blaming myself. It purported distortion as truth. The relationship became less important as my emotional baggage took center stage. I defended my turf vehemently.  If I conceded, it was out of guilt or a need for his validation. Change for me only happened when my inner wisdom objected. My motives were called into question by a consciousness greater than my own. When this happened, the motivation ceased to be about pleasing someone else or stroking my Ego but achieving true freedom.

This is the reason my spirit prayed all night. It was calling for a greater surrender. "Lord, I don't want to attack anymore," my Spirit said. "When I feel threatened, dismissed, offended, I don't want to attack. I don't want to move in arrogance. I don't want to move in Ego. Doesn't matter what I experienced in the past. I want to be free. I want to move in faith and in trust. No more a victim.  I want to be guided by who I am and a desire for meaning and understanding." I realize that surrender might mean that I get hurt again. I realize that surrender might mean that my relationship won't last for a lifetime. Never mind that.  I don't want to waste the reason or the season. And most importantly, I don't want to spend another day of my life looking for that one man who can settle the debt for the failings, disappointments or hurts of previous ones. To expect that of someone is to admit that I haven't forgiven someone else.

Here is what life has taught me. When you feel secure, you have no need to give ultimatums, to attack the other person, or to defend your honor. You can simply speak the truth. You can ask for what you want. And you respect the other person's right to decline.  It doesn't always mean that you need to throw away the other person. Sometimes it means that you need to negotiate.  Sometimes it means you have to lose selfishness.  Other times, it may mean that you have to part ways. Regardless, it is important to own what is motivating your decision – Intimacy or Ego. Control or Cooperation.

My relationship coach shared some great advice. It was in the context of extroverts dating introverts but I feel it offers great wisdom across the board. What she shared was successful couples have made a conscious decision to guard their admiration and respect for each other. This was powerful.  She gave a great example by referencing how we regard our children. No matter the differences or disagreements, my regard for my son has been unwavering. "This is what you have to bring to your relationship," she said.

Secondly, she cautioned that I might have to dial my extroverting side back a little. Though my partner may find it energizing now, he may find it overwhelming later. When she said it I chuckled as I envisioned myself as a steamroller and my poor sweetie being rolled over and dragged all over the place. Poor thing! I love the uninhibited nature of my life. I love to laugh out loud. I am exhilarated by thought-provoking conversation and the power of support offered by my social circle. That feeds me. Nevertheless, I have to be mindful that he is different. She wasn't suggesting that I stop being me but that I merely make room for him to be him. Honor what feeds him. I understood. Create opportunities for him to share. Let him know that I see him, I hear him and that he matters. Negotiate things like where we will go and how long we'll stay. Have people over but maybe not so many at once…lol. Don't blindside him. I truly believe that if I protect what is important to him, he'll protect what is important to me.