I am grateful for today's fast from EGO.  I was presented with a challenge that had been in the back of my mind but I had prayed and told God I wasn't going to worry.  I'd trust Him to resolve it whatever He chose.  Well, while writing my earlier blog, I heard a whisper inside.  "Let them know how you feel," was what I heard.  You see, what is familiar is to avoid uncomfortable situations.  To tell myself that it's no big deal.  Oftentimes, letting somebody know that something they did was not okay is not the easiest thing. I tend to struggle with denial as a result. However, I knew in that moment that I would betray myself if I wasn't honest about my feelings and why.   

As I have admitted in previous blogs, articles and conversations, my problem isn't standing up for myself.  When I feel the internal motivation to do it, I'll assert my truth and will defend it valiantly.  The problem is how a person responds causes me to second-guess myself.  I feel guilt or shame if they get upset. 

I know where this comes from.  It takes me back to times I would tell my dad how I really felt about something that he did.  In a perfect world, he would say, "Baby, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to make you feel that way.  Please forgive me."  Well, my world was far from perfect.  After all these years, I still get queasy when I open up with someone about something I think they won't like hearing.  Blame or shame is the byproduct unless they take my truth well.  Trouble is, everybody doesn't do that.  And there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.  They must have the right to respond in whatever manner they see fit.  They might not agree.  They might not see it.  And they might challenge me, get upset or blame me for their discomfort.  There is always that risk.  What I've learned however is this.  Behaving as if you're okay with something when you're not is not fair to the other person.  Furthermore, it is a betrayal of your soul.  Pretending is hypocrisy.  Going along to get along breeds resentment.  The dishonesty edges God out.  And the smoldering resentment edges God out.  No matter how we try to put a spin on it, it edges God out.

I am fasting from edging God out.  Certainly, I have some growing and some healing left to do.  Just the same, I've heard a quote and I truly believe it.  We teach people how to treat us.  Another one is People don't betray us.  We betray ourselves.  At the end of the day, I'd rather be disliked for my authenticity than to be liked for my pretense.     

50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: A New Type of Fast

50 Times A Writer: Suzette Unleashed: A New Type of Fast: It is now Wednesday.  At the start of the week, I had an inspired thought.  I'm going on a fast.  Yeah, a fast.  I have made a conscious dec...

A New Type of Fast

It is now Wednesday.  At the start of the week, I had an inspired thought.  I'm going on a fast.  Yeah, a fast.  I have made a conscious decision that I will fast from Ego.  By Ego, I mean:

Edging
God
Out

Edging God Out is like God is in the driver seat and I'm sitting beside Him on the passenger side.  Rather than enjoying the ride, trusting in His driver abilities, I'm constantly questioning His every turn and sliding closer and closer to the driver's side.  Ultimately, I am  pushing Him out the door and taking the steering wheel.  Edging God out.

Dr. Wayne Dyer offered an even richer perspective: a striking metaphor of God as the Ocean.  "God is the ocean," he said.  "If you take a cup and scoop out part of the ocean, it is still the ocean."  We are what's scooped out.  Apart from the ocean, we are still the ocean but we are vulnerable. We are vulnerable to evaporation.  We are vulnerable to being spilled out and absorbed by what we're spilled on.  Practically speaking, we are vulnerable to Ego.  But if I'm poured back in the ocean, if I stay connected, I have access to all the ocean is.  I have the power of the ocean.  All that the ocean is, I am.  Now that's pretty darn awesome!  My fasting is me snuggling back into that ocean. 

I'm staring myself in the face, eyeball-to-eyeball, and asking "Why are you really doing this?"  If my reasons are anxiety, guilt, accommodating someone else at my expense or fear, I'm deciding "no."  I believe that these are learned betrayals to love, trust, faith and joy.  They steal from us.  Familiar, yes but edging out inspiration.  Edging out meaning. Edging out fulfillment.  Edging out the abundant life that is our birthright as redeemed children of God.

When I woke up this morning, I said two things--that's all--two things:  "Thank you" and "How can I be used today?" That was the extent of my prayer.  Starting my morning with gratitude and surrender feels right.  I'll do that as part of my fast. 

Next, I fed my spirit.  I went to online to Oprah.com. Using my VGA cord, I connected my laptop to my flat screen TV and watched one of the full episodes on her website.  It was great!  I ate breakfast and fed my soul.  Yesterday morning, it was her Super Soul Sunday interview with DeVon Franklin.  This morning, it was Sarah Ban Breathnach and Dr. Dyer. 

I'm inspired to adopt this as part of my fast going forward.  I'm also inspired to allow my day to unfold as it needs to, asking myself if what I'm about to do will keep me in the ocean or edge God out.  My conscious effort is to stay in the ocean.  I expect there will be challenges.  Just because I'm fasting doesn't automatically lessen the familiar.  But I have determined that I will pray and ask God for help and surrender the outcome to Him.  I will see it as His help.  I feel strongly that I must refuse....refuse....REFUSE the familiar anxiety, guilt, accommodating someone else (at the expense of my dignity, my joy, my power, my own sense of my season) or fear-driven reasoning.

I've never done this before.  This idea of a fast from ego is ...well...inspired so I'm having to learn as I go.  You know I'm gonna write about it.  You can bank on that..lol.