"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick." (Proverbs 13:12)
As Pastor Stepney said these words today, a light came on. Like a child who is told to wait when he asks for a cookie, our enthusiasm wanes when what we hope for is delayed. A woman can have the greatest of self esteem but if she wants a long-term relationship and keeps having false starts, she either starts demonizing men or begins to question her own value and her own worth.
We're in an age where ladies are exhorted to "be successful." We're told not to wait but to go for what we want. We tell our daughters to pursue an education and a career - first. "Men can wait," we tell them. "Don't get involved with a man. He'll only hinder you from where you want to go." Do everything that you dream of doing now because when you get married, it'll be too late. Though I'm all for self-actualization and girl power, I wonder if we are leaving out something just as important. For once they've attained success and are ready to get married and have kids, they can't find anybody. Nobody told them that you can't set relationship goals like you do other goals. You can achieve education and a career independently, but you can't have a relationship without the other's consent. Men are not subject to our timeframe or our biological clock. Oh, how it makes the heart sick!
When my relationship ended, the first question on everyone's lips was "what happened?" I think I had a different response to this question with each person who asked. My responses changed with my contemplations. And though I pride myself for handling the break up maturely, I still was left with the same questions that countless women ask themselves. Why wasn't I enough? Is there something wrong with me? Should I have done this differently? Comparisonwise, I don't know what's worse. Having a man who treated you like his queen and the relationship ends or having a shiftless man and the relationship ends. Let's face it. If you had hopes that weren't met, it makes the heart sick.
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)
The sermon today offered us a remedy. Stamina to wait was the subject. Pastor Stepney said that when hope is deferred we need strength to wait. Waiting on the Lord offers strength in four areas: inner strength, upward strength, outer strength and onward strength. Inner strength speaks of our emotions, our mind, our thoughts. It strengthens our heart. It helps us to support ourselves, not turn on ourselves or others. Upward strength allows us to soar above your circumstance. Like the eagle, you see your surroundings from a higher vantage point. Stamina suggests outward strength. The waiting is parallel to a runner who is training. At first, he might only be able to run for a little while before resting. The more he runs though, he builds stamina that allows him to run further, longer, easier. Lastly, God gives strength to move forward. I was inspired most by this onward strength.
Part of grieving a breakup is revisiting and replaying what led up it. To magnify what they did, said, how they acted, all that is normal. Remaining in that pondering state, however, can make the heart sick. Perhaps, we need the onward strength to get us unstuck. It's not that you excuse the other person, their contribution or their contamination of the relationship--or yourself, for that matter. Onward strength, to me, allows you to put all to rest so that you can accept your now and move on.
It takes time, yes. I believe it also takes work. In my case, I'm seeing a relationship coach. And though anger triggers was my main reason, we are finding out that everything is interconnected. I am challenged to examine my values, my lifestyle, my boundaries and areas where there are incongruities.
Soooooooooo, rather than blaming the other person and closing my heart, I am inviting my friends and my God to support me. I want my heart to remain open and pliable. One of the members of the church said something that resonated with me. She said that both "Taps" and "Reveille" are military bugle calls where the same third notes are played. One could say, they are the same song just played differently. Taps is played at military funerals. It is also a bugle call at night signifying "light's out." Reveille is played to wake up the troops and inspire them to action. "It's your choice," she said. You can look at your life and hear Taps, grieve and be sad. Or you can hear Reveille, a call to something new.
I don't feel Reveille yet. I must be honest. But I'm doing the work. I'm putting myself in a space that supports me, heals me and inspires me to move on.
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