Don't Waste Your Crisis

On last Friday, I attended a Leader's Meeting for The Encourging Place, where I'll be volunteering as a Camp Leader for its Women's Summer Camp.  I anticipated getting training but I didn't know the speaker would say something that would lodge in my brain and keep speaking to me.  He said, "don't waste your crisis."  Upon hearing those words, I immediately started trying to see how it related to what I'm going through.  Though I was wrestling with anxiety and that feeling that I'd burst out crying if anyone as much as looked at me too long, clarity came. 

I noticed that regardless of the challenges and my raw emotion, at times, I have continued to show up.  Trust, there have been times that I've wanted to curl up in a corner and rock back and forth.  One such time was when I looked at my bank account balance.  Talk about startling!  Tears gushed out of my eyes in disbelief as I saw that I only had a little over $200 left with no savings, no other means.  Panicked, my first instinct was to call the volunteer coordinator for the Ronald McDonald Family Room at WakeMed and cancel my shift.  Gurl, you need to be filling out job applications, not going to some volunteering thing, said the combustible thoughts going off in my head.  But it's too late, I argued. Besides, they are counting on me.  Crying the whole time, I got dressed and reported to my shift.  By the end of it, I felt better.  There's something about helping others that lifts us from where you are.

Perfect segway for my next observation.  I do the opposite of what I feel.  This, my relationship coach pointed out to me.  I truly believe that one of my spiritual gifts is wisdom.  And that wisdom directs me even when I don't think it is.  We all have that part of us that has a Higher vantage point from which to see our lives.  It's that Wise Self, that Higher Consciousness, that taps us on the shoulder from time to time and says pay attention to this.  That was the part of me that usurped the panic and said, "but you said you wanted to do something meaningful. You have a chance to do it by volunteering.  So, it would make no sense to cancel."  So, I hustled my fragile-feeling behind in the direction of what my Higher Self reminded me of.

This is where our convictions have transformative value.  If our convictions stem from a sense of purpose, this is the highest use of our existence.  I have beliefs and values that are lodged in fears, biases and egocentric views from my upbringing and environment.  What I have observed is if that's the filter that I operate from, it has little lasting benefit.  But when that Higher part of myself shines its Divine light on things, life takes on greater meaning.     

Maybe that's why the Bible says "the trial of our faith is more precious than gold."  God knows that trials unearth the truest part of ourselves.  Certainly, my faith is being tried frontside, backside and side-to-side.  What's at stake for me is the value of my purpose.  I'm not use to allowing it to direct the jobs I take.  I'm use to letting survival call the shots.  So I feel insecure.  If I stand in my authentic Light will God stand with me?  He has when it's come to reclaiming my soul.  He has when it's come finding a mate.  But this job stuff is uncharted territory.  I need to go from hoping and from believing to knowing that purposefulness includes my employment too.  That God will command Heaven and earth to support me and the manifestation will be fulfilling work...with the income to boot.

I wrote about the corridor and how I had a melt down.  I did.  I cried and paced and poured out my heart.  It wasn't pretty.  Some might think it meant I had no faith.  I'm glad God didn't respond that way for by the next business day, I was contacted by four different companies regarding interviews.  All last week, I was busy interviewing and volunteering.  Talk about going from 0 to 100!  Not only that.  Friends are cheering me on and praying for me.  Folks I don't even know are being drawn to me and standing with me.  Volunteering is feeding my spirit and lifting me to another level.  Job postings I am being contacted for are changing from secretarial or bookkeeping to financial analysis and account managing.  Despite the urge to take just any job out of desperation, I am requiring more.  I am answering questions and asking questions of interviewers from an authentic place.  In the process, I am getting tips and good feedback to move me forward.  All of this is God's validation. 

I know I'll get a job offer soon.  The momentum is intensifying.  But what is most valuable to me is that God is proving his value to me.  God is moving Heaven and earth just for me...just for me.

In The Corridor

Last night, I had a moment of intensity.  I was about to call it a meltdown, but it wasn’t.  It was a moment of raw, engulfing catharsis.  I told  God that I didn’t like this place, this corridor.  This place of waiting.  I’ve tried to be diligent in reviewing job openings and applying, but it’s getting harder and harder to do.  Whenever you click apply, you are immediately taken to the employer’s website.  Each company seems to have one and you have to complete their online application, retyping the same things over and over and over.  Though you can upload your resume, the  auto-fill always requires modification as it puts things in the wrong places.  When you’ve done that over and over and over again, it can make you want to bang your head against the wall or, in my case, lose energy. 

Between coloring my gray hair and watching Private Practice on television, I went on Oprah’s website and did a search on “letting go.” I felt myself becoming clingy and felt that I needed to read something that could help me chill out.  I came across an article by Martha Beck, "Your Best Life is Waiting.  I kinda glanced through it until I came to Step Three:  Feel Your Soul’s Desires.  It read, “the biggest obstacle to a recognition of our soul’s desires is the mind…The soul tells us what we want and need, while the mind tells us what we think we want and need.”  It gave the example of the soul wanting “to be free from worry” and the mind thinks that winning the lottery is the answer.  So we spend all our time focused on winning the lottery instead of simply tuning into our souls.  How true this is of me.  I’ve been so stuck in my mind trying to figure out what will give my soul what it wants, that I’ve neglected what’s most important.    

I know in my head that answers come when I am in a rested place, but something, probably my mind, is afraid to let go.  It’s afraid that if I am not diligent, I'm not doing all I need to do to show that I really want a job.  It’s afraid that my soul is wanting too much.  After all, all this desire for purpose doesn't seem to be creating income.   And in about a week or so that is going to be paramount. 

The article suggests that I do an exercise.  It says on one piece of paper list all the things you want.  That’s easy.  I want a job.  I want income.   I want to get out of this corridor before my resolve is interloped by waning savings and cabin fever.  Okay, okay.  Then it says to turn the page over or get a new page and list things I yearn for.  Reading that took me deeper.  I yearn for...I yearn to get up every morning without hating to go to a job where there is no room for me.  Room for my skills, yes; but not truly room for me.  I yearn to know that this desire comes from God.  I need to know that I won't come out of this corridor only to go right back to the same emptiness, the same mundaneness, the same unfulfillment.  I yearn to not just hope, or believe that God will honor my soul’s desire but to KNOW that He will.  I yearn for a pathway, some sense that I'm on the right path, some sense that the movement is meaningful.  That this break won't be a waste.  That I don’t fail myself.  I yearn for evidence that this is born of faith not folly.  I need this for me.  I don’t just want a life where I spend my time grasping  or running here and there.  That’s so desperate.   I don’t want to just wish and hope anymore.  I want a substantive life where there is proof.  Without proof, my articles, my blogs, my beliefs and values hold little credibility.  I yearn for God’s validation of what I am at this point in my life.  I need to know that I matter that much to God.  Nobody can give me that.  It's got to come from within me.  I got to know it.  I got to know what my purpose is worth.  It’s got to happen in a way that I know it.      

Like Jesus often said, “I know that He [God] hears me.”  That part of it, I know.  I don’t doubt that God hears me.  I know that.  It’s the next part of it that’s got me shaking in my boots.  Jesus knew that God would honor Him.   Why?  “I only do what I see the Father do,” was his reason.  Obviously, there was some flow he was in.  He didn't see God's answers as isolated events but part of a continuum.  There was proof of it.  People saw it and believed.  It’s not that I take what Jesus said literally.  I don't think that as the point.  I believe the point was oneness.  He was aligned with His inner core.  To me, that is synonymous with “doing what I see the Father do” for I truly believe that when we honor our truest selves, we are honoring the God that made us in His Image.  And if we are honoring that, He cannot deny Himself.  He has to make good by manifesting what He has placed in our hearts.  That’s what gives us credibility.  Otherwise, we seem like a bunch of religious folks going through gyrations in our church gatherings and religious observances, begging, dreaming and wishing but not producing anything of lasting value.  No impact.  No power.  That’s not okay.  For me, that’s not enough. 

I wish I could rush through this.  I really do.  I feel I sound somewhat redundant.  I'm just working through this.

On to Step Four, trust your life to unfold perfectly.  Okay, another exercise.  “Choose a soul’s desire that seems modest…Make sure it’s something that’s really coming from your core.  Then deliberately choose to trust that your wish will be fulfilled.”  Okay, I can calm down a little.  What is something modest?  With this new information, I feel compelled to practice mindfulness, to practice presence.  To be attentive to my soul.  I was at first, but the longer I've been without a job, the more my focus has shifted back to "lack" and fearing scarcity.  Step Four goes on to say “Feel so sure of it that you don’t even need the outcome, because you feel as if you already have it.  Then watch and see.  Be open to all the ways in which your answer may come.  Your trust will be rewarded.”

The final exercise is to make a list of every desire of your soul that has been fulfilled in the past.  I hear it as my revisiting the ways God manifested in my life before.  Wow, there are too many to type.  My son going to college without my having to take out a loan.  Moving into my new home without debt.   I  yearned to know what it felt like to be loved, truly loved by a man and that prayer has been answered far beyond what I had ever known.  Even this moment--this purpose-directed moment--is in response to my soul’s desire.  

The corridor can make you lose sight.  You lose sight of all the times your soul’s desire was manifested.  I’m grateful for this reminder.  The anxiety has been in not  having a clear path or a clear picture of how all this is going to work out.  This glimmer of light has given me hope.  I am so grateful for that.    

A Time to Heal

Last night was the second meeting of those interested in being Camp Leaders for the local nonprofit, The Encouraging Place.  In a word?  Inspired.  To hear the experiences of the camp leaders, who so willingly shared their personal testimonies, reinforced that I was in the right place.  These are women who have dealt with life's tragedies and traumas but have come out with grace, compassion and yes, encouragement for all women.  Their honesty caused tears to well up in my eyes almost the whole time. 

Quite unexpected, I was reunited with one of the first employees at my ex-husband's company.  I didn't recognize her until she said her name.  This was a God moment.  I felt it in every fiber of my being.  Immediately, I knew what I had to do.  The facilitator told us to take a break and get something to eat.  I walked straight to her, hugged her, kneeled down and asked for her forgiveness.  She looked surprised and said, "Why?"  I told her that I knew it had been many years ago but I felt I owed her an apology.  She wasn't treated well by the company and, because I was a part of its leadership, I wanted to personally apologize.  Did I hurt her directly?  I hope I didn't.  But I remember how crazy things were back then.  To the employees, my ex-husband and I presented ourselves as a unit, so as such, I was just as responsible. 

What life is teaching me is this.  It's not whether you feel the other person is right or wrong; it's respect or regard for how that person feels.  As caring people, we should never want to cause anyone suffering. When we do want to retaliate, we have to check ourselves because we've entered on territory that, as a Christian, I believe is God's.  "Vengence is mine.  I will repay," the Bible says.  That's why I avoid saying to someone, "I'm sorry IF you felt I did something to hurt you."  You can tell by the discomfort between you, the look in their eyes, the person actually telling you or the regret in your own heart.  I didn't go to her out of guilt but out of Love and regard for how difficult it must have been for her.  And no, I didn't throw my ex-husband under the bus.  This wasn't about blame.  Besides, what would it have served?  It was totally about acknowledging her and whatever part I played.   That's what empathy is.  Putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

I thank God for that moment.  It was sacred.  For this gift, I am grateful.     

A Retraction to April 11, 2012 Blog

On April 11th, I wrote a blog where members of my family were used to illustrate a point.  I wrote about my cousin Jenny, my cousin Marvin, and my cousin Lawrence in particular.  I said they didn't reach their full potential.  That was a judgment on my part.  And it was wrong of me to make that judgment.  This blog is a retraction of what was written.  Without consideration for how what I shared would be viewed or even making sure of the facts that I shared, I wrote about what I had heard over the years or what was my perception but I never checked to make sure of the facts.  My family has made me aware that my account is not true. Even more importantly, their stories were not mine to tell.  I should have respected their memory and their immediate family and friends better.  I take full responsibility and own up to my error. 

To be honest, I don't know the details of my cousins' lives.  I only know how they made me feel.  Each one treated me with acknowledgement and respect.  I knew they loved me.  I felt accepted by them.  That is all that I really and truly know.  There were aspects of their lives and yes, even their deaths, that can't have been and shouldn't have been summed up in one or two sentences.  They mattered.  They mattered to our family.  They mattered to their community.  They each had a purpose that was bigger than what I realized at the time I wrote about them.  God holds each one near and dear to His heart.  And the full extent of their lives isn't in how they died but how they lived.  Each one taught me something.  Each of them, in their own way, taught me what unconditional love is all about.  They taught me compassion for the hurting and the suffering.  For this, I am forever impacted and grately indebted to them.   

Each person in our lives comes to teach us something.  Regardless of the length of the encounter, every detail I believe is carefully crafted by someone greater.  I call him God.  There is a saying, "what would Jesus do," that was very popular some years ago.  I believe that He expands our capacity to love more deeply and live more richly if we are open and willing.  In this moment of introspection, I am encouraged to be more mindful.  Mindful of how we live.  Mindful for how I use my pen.  Our lives are a testimony of who we are and who God is.  We can make a difference.  We can use the lessons that life is trying to teach us to become the best of who we are. 

I think about death sometimes and hope that by praying about how I'd like it to be--since I've been told that all of us have to go that way--I'll be able to exit with grace, leaving an impact of all whom I have touched.  Regardless of how it goes down, I hope that my life, the sum of it, won't be in how I died; but how I loved, how I forgave, how I became better as I learned better, how I made you feel, how I allowed God to use you, my friends, my family and my readers to bring out the very best in me. 

To Jenny, Marvin, Lawrence, and other family members who were hurt by what I wrote, my sincerest apologies.  I love you eternally. Rest in peace.  

Four Mantras that Will Make A Difference in Your Relationships

During today's Super Soul Sunday on OWN, Oprah interviewed peace advocate and Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. There were so many nuggets from that interview. I should have grabbed my paper and pen earlier. I tell you, as I listened to him, my insides were pinging like the little ball in an arcade game it bounces around with bells and lights going off.

He talked about compassionate listening. It's listening to relieve the suffering of the other person. He said that when two people conflict--a good example is a squabble between friends or lovers--there is some suffering that fuels the intensity of the disagreement. What he suggests is taking yourself out of the argument and taking on the posture of compassionate listening. Your intention is different. It isn't to make your point. It isn't to bring clarity. It is to listen to the person's experience of that moment. During this time, you don't discuss your perspective. It's all about the other person. You talk about what's on your mind at another time. He said that if we would do this, it would make a difference in how we relate with others. And how we resolve differences.

Another nuggets was mindful walking. Mindful walking is taking steps and saying, "I have arrived" with each step. He says that as we take two or three more steps, say, "I am home, home, home." This keeps us in the moment. He reiterated what I already knew. This moment is all we have. Even Jesus says "take not thought for tomorrow." If we strive to find joy and gratitude in our present moment, tomorrow will have the same. Joy and gratitude.

This touched me. It's difficult to focus on the present moment when you want to start working. When your checkbook balance is decreasing, you can become overwhelmed with anxiety. How do we outlast the discomfort, acknowledge the miracle of the present moment. I am breathing. I am hearing. I am typing. I am being productive at this moment. I am typing something that will be released into the cyber universe. Someone will read these words and be awakened. This moment is a gift. In this moment, my needs are met. Sure, my money seems to be waning but it isn't gone yet. All my bills are paid. My mortgage is paid. My utilities are paid. I have food to eat. I don't even have to cook it. I can go downstairs without crutches or help. My two legs are working just fine. I can lift. I know where I am and what I'm doing. I am full. I am full of love. I am full of gratitude. My world is being transformed in my mindfulness. In my gratitude. In my appreciation of this moment. I am reminded of this by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Before he finished his interview, he shared four mantras that will make a difference in our relationships:

Mantra #1: "Darling, I'm here for you." When you love someone, your presence is the best thing you can offer them.
"Darling, you know something I’m here for you" should be the response of your beloved.

Mantra #2: "Darling, I know you are there and I am so happy." Their presence is very precious. Embrace your beloved with mindfulness. Recognize his/her existence.

Mantra #3: "Darling, I know you suffer that is why I am here for you." This is when your beloved is suffering.

Mantra #4: "Darling, I suffer. I am trying to practice [being present with you]. Please help me." This is when your beloved is the cause of your suffering.

All these mantras suggest a way to stay present with the person you love regardless of what pain, anger, disappointment, anxiety, mistrust, and other negative emotions you are feeling. What hearing this again reminded me of was you can't just be present with someone during the good times, or the times you're getting along. But when the other person is experiencing discomfort from their past or their present or they have done something that has brought you discomfort, true commitment requires that you stay present.

My boyfriend and I talked about what helped me when I was overcome with anxiety, insecurity and "suffering" in the early days of our relationship. What I didn't understand caused me "suffering." I feared where we were going. I feared his commitment to the relationship. I feared not being of priority. What he did that helped me with every insecure moment was (1) he never shamed me or blamed me for how I felt, (2) he was consistent in showing up and (3) his motivation didn't wane with challenges. If I told him what I needed to remain in the relationship, we examined the reality and he came up with what he could do to contribute to helping us. This has been consistent for a year and 3 months now. I felt truly heard. We women need that. I know we can be all over the place emotionally sometimes. Sometimes we can't give you a clear answer. Our man helps us by being a rock for us during those times. He gives us emotional support.

We recognize we have triggers that have the potential to contaminate our relationship.  We’re focusing on those apart from the other.  They are areas that we want to change in ourselves.  We also realize that we cannot hold the other person responsible for making us better. I'm grateful for having that level of compatibility in a partner. I am mindful and grateful.