Did God join you together? Hummmmmmm. There was a ceremony. Okay. You said vows. True. You signed the paperwork. You moved in together. Might have even had some chu'ren. If I were to grab my Bible and flip through its pages, God's position on marriage is clear. Indissoluble. Eternal. A bond that cannot be broken. Certainly there are concessions for the human condition; but God's Is-ness is not divided on the matter. He is even married to the backslider.
As pointed out by one of the males attending the group, men and women see cheating differently. "There's just so much bootie out here," he said jokingly. "If Denzel Washington or Boris Kudjoe (or whomever our fantasy sweat-provoking, sexually-stimulating man) were to enter the room right this minute and you knew that no one would ever find out about it, would you sleep with him?," he asked.
Before you answer, I appeal to you to get real with yourself. If you are sneaky in other matters, why would fidelity be any different? If you haven't learned to stand in who YOU are regardless of the actions of others, you can't make any promises. Know thyself. Me? My answer is no. Wait. Don't high five me just yet. Don't even accuse me of not being real. My answer is real. It comes out of lessons learned from some missteps, some falls, some wrong roads along my life journey. Despite of and possibly because of missteps, I've learned to honor three things about myself: One, I don't want somebody else's man. Two, if it ain't real, it ain't real. My deepest hunger is for realness. But most importantly, I would know. If I cheated, I'd know. I can't escape me.
"If a man can sleep with a stripper at a bachelor party, get up the next day and get married, he is not ready" she challenges. "The ONLY reason he can do it is because he isn't married (in his heart)." "Men see it different," he counters. What is THE truth? I believe THE truth is God is spirit. Hence, a God-joining goes beyond intellect, reason, feeling, agenda, gender or our humanness? Think about it. If you believe the Bible, then let's take a look at it. God Himself decided it was not good for man to be alone. Man's opinion, his intellect, his feeling, his agenda, his gender, his genitalia, his humanness were not solicited. Okay, you don't believe in God. Whether you believe in God or not, there are some things common to humanity. One of those things is a need for connection. That's why solitary confinement is so maddening. Isolation is synonymous with being in hell.
Marriage happens before the wedding. It is a joining of spirits dictated by something greater. It takes place at which point your awakened spirit recognizes its mate. Yeah? Yeah. Your marriage starts then. The wedding is merely a declaration made publicly. The vows, witnesses and marriage license are part of the legalities so that rights and property can be protected. What about sex? When does consummation happen? I'll let you figure that out amongst yourselves...lol. I'll give you a clue though. By definition fornication is sex outside of marriage.
So back to the original question of whether to remain if a person cheats on you. Your iron-will is not enough to sustain the marriage. Your marriage license or assets is not enough. Your having his last name is not enough. Your having kids is not enough. Your wedding is not enough. Even him or her being your soul mate is not enough. All these "reasons" mean nothing in light of betrayal.
Even choosing to remain under the same roof is not enough. That's just geography. There are people who have been married until a partner died. But they never preferred them. They still functioned as a married couple but still were single-minded. Sleeping in the same bed, but spiritually adrift. Having babies, but no intimacy. Serving on the ministry team at church, but not even a look or a ministering touch at home. Ne'er a cross word spoken cause there is no talking to each other. By appearances, you are there but secretly, you're not.
Marriage is not an event, it is a state of being, says a female participant. Perhaps that's why there are so many divorces. As long as he is thoughtful, romantic and showers you with gifts, he's your soul mate. As long as she is adoring, a freak in private and "there for me," marriage is eventful. But if that stops for too long, all bets are off. If any effort is made, the intent is self serving. Apart from the event. Or the common goal. Or the reason. There's nothing joining you together.
What's holding you together? If that were removed, would you stay? What if your partner cheats? Is divorce an option? Is taking the kids and leaving an option? Is getting your own swerve on an option? Beauty fades. Bodies frail. Health deteriorates. Jobs cease. Circumstances change. Children leave. Interests shift. You might say, hey Suzette, give it a rest. I can't. There are too many casualties. Too much is at stake. We can no longer afford to handle our lives and the lives of others so recklessly.
