The Year 2012 didn’t prompt me to make any resolutions. I even tuned inward to see if I could detect something resonating from my soul as to what it needed in this new year. Nothing. Unexpectedly though, with the 3rd day of January of the new year came a heightened awareness of one thing - energy. The energy that I share and the energy I allow in my space. I think it was Oprah that said that you determine what energy you will allow in your life. Maybe it’s a over-50 thing, but now that I’m 52, something inside is requiring that I raise the bar.
I have to own my own energy. I can no longer hold other people responsible for how I feel or choose to feel. They might evoke feelings but they aren’t the origin of them. It is true that as a human being – and a woman – life evokes many types of feelings. Feelings of delight. And conversely, feelings of displeasure. I can tolerate some things only to a point and many times I am not aware that I am tolerating them. But my insides always know: when I reach my saturation point, the alarm goes off.
We are the managers of our energy. Naw, this ain’t some psychobabble or an Oprahism. It’s real talk. If what I was saying wasn’t so then you wouldn’t be affected by the energy around you. Take what happened to me over the weekend, for example. A fellow employee did something that left me feeling indescribably put upon. Behind closed doors, I relayed my displeasure about it. The aha moment for me, however, came as I was walking to my boss’ office and as I was leaving. No one would have known that I was as pissed as I was. It wasn’t because I was suppressing it. I just wasn’t filled with it. Wow! Before I went to a relationship coach, hunny, e’erbody in that office would have known that something was wrong with Suzette. But I was more poised and I became aware of it in that moment. At some level, I respected those around me and decided I wasn’t going to soil them. It would have been as unfair to them.
That was an aha moment for me. Cause my upset was big. The employee had crossed a line that I am very protective of. Nothing harassing or anything like that, but a boundary nonetheless.
Proves my point: people are the executors of their energy. You know Newton’s Law that says energy is neither lost nor destroyed, it is just passed from one person to another. Yep, I’m paraphrasing it a bit but the truth of that law is still very much in tact. We pass our energy all the time. When I’m filled with love and joy and optimism, those around me feel it. Some might reject it cause they don’t want to feel any differently than they do. Others however receive it and it fills them. That’s when people say to you, “Man, I feel so much better.”
The converse is also true. I have friends and associates that, at times, are filled with so much negative energy that I have to put limits on their time in my space. Shoot, I have to refuel! This is the perfect segway into my second point: I decide the energy that I allow into my space. That’s not anybody else’s call but mine.
In the case of my fellow employee, he was upset about a matter and even in his text, I could feel the distress and the panic. Not the kind of energy I wanted at that time. Had it been while I was at work, I think I would have allowed it; but he decided to get my cell number --from where, I have no idea --and text me at 11 something at night--New Year's Eve--and again at 1-something in the morning. And not just any morning, mind you; but New Year’s Day! Did I say New Year’s Day?! To say I was PISSED is an understatement.
Of course, he calmed down and I found an apologetic email upon my return to work; but in that moment, I made the decision that I couldn’t accept his apology as-is. He had crossed the line on this wayyyyyy beyond what was the normal culture of our job. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would have done what he did unless the house was burning and I was laying asleep inside, okay?! So, not okay.
Now, this is where I saw maturity in me and a whole lot of grace. Just because I was upset about what he did, didn’t mean he meant me any ill-will. He was obviously distressed and panicked. Before I started seeing a relationship coach, I would have ratched this up to a personal affront—him being the enemy-- which meant annihilate him! But to do that would be very arrogant on my part. We have all lost it at some time or another and the last thing we need is to be verbally thrashed. My, li’l Suzette has grown!
Notwithstanding, I had to honor my feelings too. There are times when you have to let someone know that what they did wasn’t okay and you should be able to tell them why. Sure he was apologizing but his apology was based in his own psyche. Not necessarily the same as mine. My internal barometer required that I use this as a teachable moment.
I believe I handled him with respect and appreciation for how he was feeling. I started by telling him that I hope this gets resolved and that I and our employer would help if it didn’t. I also let him know that I understand how frustrating it is to do what you’re asked to do but things get worse instead of better. I truly appreciated that he was upset and rightly so. Now the teachable moment: next time wait until I’m back in the office.
Trust, I wanted to light into him like nobody’s business. I had to rewrite my email to him and tweak it quite a few times before sending it, in fact. But again, it comes down to being responsible for my energy. What purpose would it have served had I told him off? I said what I needed to say. I honored me without dishonoring him. That’s that. Keep it movin!
