I knew it was time. Somewhere between opening letters and looking at Oprah's round circle chat with staff and producers on OWN, I knew. I had to buy a refrigerator. I had been stuffing food items into my neice's college size refrigerator since day one of my move into my home. I told myself that I didn't want to pay for a brand new one. Sounded mature at the time. I think something else was behind my hesitation though.
When Stedman Graham was saluting Oprah at her farewell gala, he said that he was amazed that a woman who could create "all of this," brought her lunch with her to work every single day. Later, during his interview on the Gayle King Show, he and Gayle discussed it. "People don't know that she's frugal," Gayle said. Remarkably, Oprah had packed her lunch every day for 25 years, thinking not only of herself but bringing lunch for Sherri Salata and another producer.
I'd like to think that I am frugal too. After all, for years, it's been easier for me to spend money on others than on myself. But if I were to be honest, I'd have to say that good stewardship, frugality or selflessness aren't the reasons behind it. Today the deeper truth became clear. While writing this blog actually. I feel unworthy. I grapple with feelings of unworthiness every time I spend money on myself or for something I want. You know that queasy uneasy feelin that won't let you enjoy it. You know what I mean? Makes you justify it to yourself and other people what you did and why you did it. If you have a good reason, it's okay. If not, it's not. Why can't we simply say I wanted it and leave it at that?
I really believe that is why it took me so long to buy a refrigerator. If I bought a used one or one off Craigslist then I could impress others with my being responsible, frugal or a good steward. Probably wouldn't be feelin that stunned I just forked out $868 dollars and some change for a refrigerator feeling. Would I have felt more peaceful about it? Maybe, maybe not. Knowing me, probably not. I would have worried about not having the safety net of a warranty. I would have wondered if, when I got it home, it would run great for a while but then start shakin and making those defective sputters later on. And what if I had found a great deal on a fridge on Craigslist? I don't have a truck! Some sellers will deliver their product. This is true. But for me, no way is that an option. I don't know them and I don't want them knowing where I live.
Perhaps that's why I needed that inner push. My sister is coming for Memorial Day and my son is here from college. Three adults and one college size refrigerator? Not gonna work. So with that motivating fact, I dashed out of here last night. Walked swiftly around Lowe's with my US Postal Change of Address 10% discount and my gift cards in tow. Got what I wanted and I didn't break the bank. But most of all, I got what I wanted just because I wanted it.
