Suzette - The Next Chapter

Today, February 22, 2012, starts my next chapter. Actually, it’s February 23rd and I tried to post this yesterday but blog kept thinking and thinking and it just stopped.


Okay, back to topic. I’ve started my new chapter. No pictures of exotic locations or breathtaking scenes from other countries like in Eat Pray Love. Though it might spark more interest and make me a New York Times bestselling author like Elizabeth Gilbert, such is not what this journey is about. It’s about rediscovery. It’s about honoring your authentic heart. It’s about doing what you have to do because you simply have to. Maybe that’s why my first day assumed a posture of stillness. I rolled to the edge of my bed, raised my blinds and watched the sunrise. Snapping pictures of the rust colored hue setting itself apart from the rest of the sky announcing that the sun was rising until the sun rose big and bright above the trees, I marveled at the grandness of the moment. I’ve seen the same trees and blades of grass for a while now but there was something different today. There was a quiet grace to it, statuesque and reverent.

This theme has been the backdrop for my entire day. I could hardly wait to get outside the house and breathe in the air outdoors. There is something about the feeling of the sun on my face and arms and the breeze gently caressing me that I absolutely adore. Granted, I get the jitters when a bug flies by my head or an insect crawls out of grass, so I’m not a hands-on type. Rather, I’m a stand-in-awe-of-it lover of nature. Something about the trees reaching majestically towards the sky and puffy clouds floating ever so slowly overhead that brings me such comfort and a sense of calm.

It was out of this restful state that I wrote some ground rules for this new adventure with God. I call it rules for the journey. First, I will not do anything that the truest part of me doesn’t want to do. This month is completely and purely about honoring my authentic soul. No apologies to anyone. Second, I will attend to my health. Whether it’s eating early enough that I don’t suffer heartburn and reflux during the night or participating in some type of fitness, I will up my game on self care. I’ve been quite sedentary for a while. A desk job will do that to you. I can’t put all the blame on that though. To be honest, I haven’t felt much like moving since Lawrence died. I do have bursts of energy; but for the most part, I’ve felt little motivation. If it doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna see if there is something medical happening. At my age, it’s hard to know whether it’s perimenopausal, residual grief or some warning that something more serious is happening. In the meantime, however, it’s time to get moving. My Wise Self requires it. I began today by walking for 20 minutes in the park. I also went to an onsite community center and got a schedule of events. I found that for just $5 per session, I can Hip Hop dance or take a Zumba class; and for $2 a day, I can enjoy the exercise equipment in the fitness room. Sweet!

Though my day has been very good, I am concerned about the fatigue I’ve been feeling. I have periods of tiredness that come from nowhere. With so much in the news about women and heart attack symptoms, I think I’ll make an appointment with my doctor. In addition, I had an interesting anxiety experience. While I sat in the car, staring out my window, I felt fine. But when I thought of getting out of the car to take a short walk, I felt hesitation. That’s soooo strange. I LOVE walking. Nonetheless, I had to talk myself into getting out the car and going for a walk. I don’t understand that. As easy as that should have been, it felt like a magnet was holding me inside the car. Normally, I don’t feel that type of anxiety unless I’m about to spend money. Might not have been related but it sure felt the same. In abject defiance, I flung open that car door and willed my legs to move and body to follow. Once I got moving, I was okay.

Today only reinforced what I believe this month is all about. It’s about de-stressing. It’s about giving myself permission to enjoy life and to throw caution to the wind. I have heard that with age there is a sense of your world getting smaller. I don’t want that to happen to me. I want to see life as full of possibilities. I don’t want that to change no matter how long I am blessed to live. I want to love without fear, stay active and color outside the lines. It’s about living. It’s about thriving. And though it’s probably insignificant to anybody other than me and God, it truly is a walk of faith. Faith that God doesn’t just forgive sins but beckons us to walk on water, to defy the odds, to silence the naysayers most times inside my own head. I believe that’s part of a life well lived. While doing my usual morning email check, I came upon a website that asked that I describe my life in 6 words. I wrote, “surviving no more, thriving no less.” What a fitting title for this next chapter of my life! And so it is.

Now

Pretty impressive! I just took the typing test for SPEAKWRITE and passed it on the first try! The minimal typing requirements were 65 wpm (words per minute) at 90% accuracy. I scored a whopping…drum roll, please…71 wpm at 97% accuracy. And I wasn’t even fully awake or really trying hard. I was sitting up in my bed with my laptop placed on top of a pillow on my lap when I took the practice tests and then the real one.


SPEAKWRITE is one of a few lauded work-from-home jobs featured in a WRAL article. Allowing my curiosity to guide me during this next phase of life, I read a little about it and was intrigued. It hires contractors to type general and legal transcription for various companies. This took me back to those days in high school where you took Typing as one of your electives. I loved the rush of typing madly for timed typing drills to see how many words per minute you could do with little to no error. This skill has served me well over the years. In fact, it helped me to leave the shall we say drudgery of an eyeglass-blocking job, my first employment post-college, and put me on a brighter path to growth and potential. I know in these days being a secretary is not usually one’s first pick of a career path, but back in my day, it was a respectable job. Definitely way more desirable than blocking eyeglass lenses with a contraption that resembled a straightening comb heating dock. I wasn’t very good at it. Go figure.

This morning, while checking my personal emails, I came across an article written by Peter Bregman, contributor to various respected news and premier organizations and author of 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done. It was “Find Your Sweet Spot – and Stay There.” This article was one of multiple clues I’ve been getting from the Universe over the years that there’s something more out there for me. My God, what is my sweet spot? I’ve been so far off my sweet spot for years. Just recently, I confessed to my boss that most of my life and my career choices have been about survival, not about thriving...except once.

I took a leap, hoping to land in what I felt was my sweet spot. My son will remember. He was in high school and I was a substance abuse counselor. I was working crazy hours and running an office singlehandedly in Garner for its parent agency in Raleigh. It was exciting at first and I’ll admit it was quite an ego-boost. Here I was a new hire and was given such an opportunity, but it wasn’t long before I realized it wasn’t all it was cracked to be. As I reflect on my path, I had obtained an associates degree in Human Services with a specialization in substance abuse. I thought I had finally found the entrance, albeit through the back door, to counseling. You see, I had previously sought to get a Masters Degree in Counseling from a local university but was denied as I had been out of college for more than 10 years. What a way to thumb my nose at them and show off how a God yes trumps any "no."

Sounds good doesn’t it. What a backdrop for a foot-stompin testimony at a church gathering or a success story for an African American woman from a small rural town! Though I was effective and my performance praised, one encounter changed everything--well, two actually, but I’m only going to talk about one. After the conclusion of my weekly substance abuse group, a group member asked to speak with me privately. I consented. He said to me, “Miss Hinton, you’re not safe in this office. I live in this neighborhood and you working here by yourself just ain’t safe.” The blood left my face. In that moment, I really paid attention to the inklings I had but dismissed. Inklings like there was only one way in and out of our second-floor office suite. Further, my office was sequestered on the opposite end of that entire second floor in a corner. I was a sitting duck! No buzzer underneath my desk if I was in trouble. No exit not even a fire escape. Small windows. And oftentimes, especially on group nights I was there until 9:30 or 10 at night, often approaching my car in a dimly lit parking lot. Eewwwwwwwwwww. With this heightened sense of urgency, I asked my supervisor to employ some safeguards or to return me to the Raleigh Office. Needless to say, my urgency wasn’t his.  After almost a month of nothing done, I submitted my resignation.

Barraged with thoughts of impending doom yet equally challenging thoughts of lack and poverty from not having another job lined up, I was in a state of absolute torture. Seemed that either decision was the wrong one. What to do? What to do? It was during this time that the idea of life coaching came up again. It had flirted with me in the past and here it was again. I decided to search online to see what opportunities were there. First, I asked around for the name of local life coaches.  I asked them about how they got trained and transitioned into their coaching careers. This led me to an online opportunity to become a certified life coach. I knew it was more in line with what felt right.  Rather than deal with a population that didn’t want my help, I would have clients who sought my help. Rather than dealing with mental health, alcohol and drug abuse issues, I would help clients achieve their life goals.

Weeeeell, things didn’t go as I thought. Even though I graduated from the online program, put up a website and wrote articles to drive traffic to my website, I got no bites. I was faithful to this for three months but when money started to run out, I chose the path most taken. I went online and applied for bookkeeping jobs. Yep, I was in survival mode again. I had a son to take care of and needed a “real job,” so I succumbed. As I reflect, I find it interesting and almost poetic that I find myself in the same place almost six years later. This time it isn’t physical safety that’s at stake.

Shall I continue to pick jobs based on survival or shall I risk it all for a belief that there is something more? That’s what’s at risk for me. Shall I allow my authentic soul to lead this time instead of fears parading as good sense, wisdom or being responsible when underneath it all I don’t trust myself? When I’ve told people that I’m leaving my job, they’ve asked me what I’m going to do. Truth is, I don’t know. I'm leavin that up to God.  All I do know is this:  if I don’t take a flying leap—now--I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

A Love Story

I can’t allow Valentine Day to come and go without talking about the man in my life – Robert Vearnon. Robert whom I adoringly call Carm. You’re probably thinking that Carm has absolutely nothing to do with the name Robert. And you’re very right. There is definitely a reason behind it that I’ll choose to keep to myself.
Carm and I met January 2011. We actually met online and what impressed me most was his motivation to meet. Believe me when I tell you, that was not the norm. I don’t know if guys hang out online just to have virtual relationships…lol…but it was like pullin teeth to have a face-to-face. To me, it ain’t real until I see you in person. So, within two days of saying “hello” online, we decided to meet at Caribou Coffee. We still meet there from time to time just to reminisce.

Immediately, Carm and I hit it off. We had the same kind of comedic timing. If I said something witty, he would respond in kind. I found that intriguing. I also felt very comfortable around him. He had a laid-back comfort that I had not seen in past dates. He wasn’t pretentious—not at all. After some ice breaking talk, I asked him why he was on the dating site. He said he was there to meet new people. Not certain of whether we were looking for the same thing, I pressed further for clarification. I mixed no words in telling him my intention to meet someone I could have a satisfying long relationship with, annnnnnnnnd I didn’t think we were seeking the same thing.

As I thanked him for his time, Carm clarified that he was looking for something long-term too. He just wanted to take his time to get to know a person rather than making it all about the goal. “Ohhhhhh,” I said. He was smart to clarify cuz this gurl was about to walk away. He told me later that he realized in that moment that I was exactly what he had been looking for: a woman who wasn’t playing games but was honest about what she wanted. He won’t about to let me walk away.

Within a day or so, he contacted me to ask me out on an actual date. Ohhhhh how I loved how he asked me out!! It went something like him asking me if I was available on Friday or Saturday that weekend. He had two places in mind that he felt would be good. He described them both, invited me to pick which one I wanted or suggest something else. I chose Beyu Café. I’m so glad that I did. When describing our date only one word captures it adequately - magic. The atmosphere, the food, the live band, the whole night - magic. I was downright giddy, grinning all the way home!

Everything was going well, until. Until he didn’t call. That’s when insecurities and fears got the best of me. You see, I had read the book, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Greg Behrendt cautions that a man isn’t that into you when he can go for more than 48 hours after a date before he calls you. To me, the date had been so wonderful I was surprised and disappointed when he didn’t call. One day went by, no call. I was able to justify that to myself without a problem. Another day went by and no call. Not so easy. By the third day, I called him and invited him to President Obama’s State of the Union but he declined. I was sure that he was feelin just so-so about me and I was too far from the so-so to pump the brakes. Feeling disappointed and scared, I didn’t even pay any attention to the fact that he said he’d be interested in going if it were earlier. All I heard was “he’s not that into you.” Determined not to be undervalued, I ended the relationship. He resumed dating other women and I, other men. In later conversations, we found that we were not satisfied with the people we went out with. After three weeks to a month, I felt compelled to call Carm. I had to apologize to him. I had no other agenda but to let him know that he was a good man and the truth about why I ended things. I… was… scared--point blank.

I can honestly say that, when I called him, I wasn’t expecting for us to get back together. I thought it was too late. Nevertheless, I wanted him to know that he wasn’t to blame, that he was a good man and that I’d not be so quick to abandon the next one. He was so gentle with me, listened without interrupting and then asked, “do you want to try again?” The rest is history.

Thank you, Carm, for making this the best Valentine Day ever. Can’t wait to continue our celebration tomorrow ;)

If There's Even the Slightest Chance of Success, I Gotta Take It

Have you ever been between a rock and a hard place? Damned if you do and damned if you don’t? Backed against the wall and feeling hit from all sides, or worse what’s bullying you is so big that it overcasts even the good things happening in your life? Not a good place to be…..or is it?


There is a story in the Old Testament of the Bible about four lepers. Speaking in the voice of a preacher as he clears his throat, takes a sip of water and tells the awaiting congregation, “Those who have their Bibles, turn with me to 2 Kings 7: 3-8. If you have it, say ‘Amen.’”

Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die? If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.” At dusk they got up and went to the camp of the Arameans. When they reached the edge of the camp, not a man was there, for the Lord had caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army, so that they said to one another, “Look, the king of Israel has hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!” So they got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys. They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives. The men who had leprosy reached the edge of the camp and entered one of the tents. They ate and drank, and carried away silver, gold and clothes, and went off and hid them. They returned and entered another tent and took some things from it and hid them also.

I’m fascinated by this story. There is something so captivating here:  If there is a probability – no matter how small – of success, then I gotta take it.

To fill you in on what’s been going on with me, I told my boss last Tuesday that I was leaving the company. This was no easy decision. Let. Me. Tell. You. If you’ve been following my blog, you know I've been dissatisfied for a looooooong time. But you know how it goes. On the one hand, you tell yourself at least you got a job. All these people out here with more credentials and degrees than you and they can’t find a job. You tell yourself you need to stop complaining and be grateful for what you have. “Besides, you old gurl. You 52 years old. And you know how much your health insurance skyrocketed when you turned 50.” Yet, on the other hand is this just-as-certain voice that says, “Gurl, you can’t stay in this job. You so worn out you can hardly get out of bed to even go to work. You’re miserable.” Being caught between two opposing opinions is like being squeezed to death. You can’t breath. You can’t move. It’s awful!

I couldn’t rest. Even while I was on sick leave, grieving the loss of my cousin, I couldn’t fully grieve the way I needed to because I was worried about my job. I was worried about the load of work awaiting me when I returned. I was worried that deadlines would be missed. Yet, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, incapable of doing a darn thang about it. I begged God to help me. I was under siege.

I know you’re waiting to hear how God saved the day, right? Well, He did but not in the way you’d imagine. Rather than deal with the decision, he zeroed in on the fear, doubt and intimidation that had me in a chokehold. I didn't trust myself.  He knew that was more mammoth than any decision.  “You and I were an indomitable team, weren’t we?,” He said, reminding me of how we masterfully navigated the whole homeownership process. In that moment, I realized that, though the homebuying process had its own chills and thrills, God and I navigated every single aspect of it and did it brilliantly if I must say so myself. Peace came. No more torment. Even in the midst of grieving my cousin, I felt myself expand larger than what was trying to squeeze the life out of me. The decision wasn’t the most important thing. It was knowing that God and I were an indomitable team.

So, yes, I told my boss that I was leaving the company. Do I have another job to go to? No. I don’t know what I will be doing. Could I be out of my ever-lovin mind? I might very well be. I’ve been known to make a hair-brained decision from time to time. Despite this being true, here I am again. Though I tried to take the responsible, not-rock-the-boat approach by trying to find a job before giving my notice, I knew that I couldn’t delay my decision any longer. It’s scary as all get-out; yet as exciting as all get-out just the same. All I know is this: God and I have navigated every twist, turn and kerfluffle of my life. He’s been my biggest fan, never damning me for my choices but applauding me for taking the risk. Always there to lend his unwavering support. Who wouldn’t serve a God like that! Soooo using the deductive reasoning of my friends the four lepers, this is what I decided: If I stay at the job, I’ll not be fulfilled and there is no potential for fulfillment. At least not to date. If I don’t make a decision, my indecisiveness will subject me to more suffering, I’ll darn sho not be fulfilled. If I leave my job, all those terrifying might-happens might happen. I might fall flat on my face, this is true. Just the same, if there’s a chance, the slightest chance that I might be successful, I gotta take it.