On last Friday, I attended a Leader's Meeting for The Encourging Place, where I'll be volunteering as a Camp Leader for its Women's Summer Camp. I anticipated getting training but I didn't know the speaker would say something that would lodge in my brain and keep speaking to me. He said, "don't waste your crisis." Upon hearing those words, I immediately started trying to see how it related to what I'm going through. Though I was wrestling with anxiety and that feeling that I'd burst out crying if anyone as much as looked at me too long, clarity came.
I noticed that regardless of the challenges and my raw emotion, at times, I have continued to show up. Trust, there have been times that I've wanted to curl up in a corner and rock back and forth. One such time was when I looked at my bank account balance. Talk about startling! Tears gushed out of my eyes in disbelief as I saw that I only had a little over $200 left with no savings, no other means. Panicked, my first instinct was to call the volunteer coordinator for the Ronald McDonald Family Room at WakeMed and cancel my shift. Gurl, you need to be filling out job applications, not going to some volunteering thing, said the combustible thoughts going off in my head. But it's too late, I argued. Besides, they are counting on me. Crying the whole time, I got dressed and reported to my shift. By the end of it, I felt better. There's something about helping others that lifts us from where you are.
Perfect segway for my next observation. I do the opposite of what I feel. This, my relationship coach pointed out to me. I truly believe that one of my spiritual gifts is wisdom. And that wisdom directs me even when I don't think it is. We all have that part of us that has a Higher vantage point from which to see our lives. It's that Wise Self, that Higher Consciousness, that taps us on the shoulder from time to time and says pay attention to this. That was the part of me that usurped the panic and said, "but you said you wanted to do something meaningful. You have a chance to do it by volunteering. So, it would make no sense to cancel." So, I hustled my fragile-feeling behind in the direction of what my Higher Self reminded me of.
This is where our convictions have transformative value. If our convictions stem from a sense of purpose, this is the highest use of our existence. I have beliefs and values that are lodged in fears, biases and egocentric views from my upbringing and environment. What I have observed is if that's the filter that I operate from, it has little lasting benefit. But when that Higher part of myself shines its Divine light on things, life takes on greater meaning.
Maybe that's why the Bible says "the trial of our faith is more precious than gold." God knows that trials unearth the truest part of ourselves. Certainly, my faith is being tried frontside, backside and side-to-side. What's at stake for me is the value of my purpose. I'm not use to allowing it to direct the jobs I take. I'm use to letting survival call the shots. So I feel insecure. If I stand in my authentic Light will God stand with me? He has when it's come to reclaiming my soul. He has when it's come finding a mate. But this job stuff is uncharted territory. I need to go from hoping and from believing to knowing that purposefulness includes my employment too. That God will command Heaven and earth to support me and the manifestation will be fulfilling work...with the income to boot.
I wrote about the corridor and how I had a melt down. I did. I cried and paced and poured out my heart. It wasn't pretty. Some might think it meant I had no faith. I'm glad God didn't respond that way for by the next business day, I was contacted by four different companies regarding interviews. All last week, I was busy interviewing and volunteering. Talk about going from 0 to 100! Not only that. Friends are cheering me on and praying for me. Folks I don't even know are being drawn to me and standing with me. Volunteering is feeding my spirit and lifting me to another level. Job postings I am being contacted for are changing from secretarial or bookkeeping to financial analysis and account managing. Despite the urge to take just any job out of desperation, I am requiring more. I am answering questions and asking questions of interviewers from an authentic place. In the process, I am getting tips and good feedback to move me forward. All of this is God's validation.
I know I'll get a job offer soon. The momentum is intensifying. But what is most valuable to me is that God is proving his value to me. God is moving Heaven and earth just for me...just for me.
