What does YOUR next chapter look like?
While surfing the web, I happened upon this question. Today’s surfing is a little different than most. My cousin’s funeral was today. So today was a day of endings. Though he left us on Sunday, January 8th; we didn’t commemorate that exodus until today. Today was the final goodbye before we committed his body to the ground and his soul to God, His Creator.
Honestly, up until this defining moment, I had not made a New Year’s resolution. And really, this isn’t a resolution; it’s more an awakening. I don’t consider myself a hokey, hoo doo, supernatural type of person. So please don’t read any of that into what I’m about to say. I’ve simply had a sense that my cousin has been communicating with me. No, it hasn’t been an audible voice neither have I seen any shadows, forms or aborigines. Nothing moving from here to there. Nothing Poltergeist-ish. I’ve simply had a deep sensing that he’s trying to tell me something. Something he needs me to know.
Live. That’s what I’ve been hearing. You’ve been responsible, you’ve raised your son, you’ve been painstaking in making sound judgments and good decisions; but you need to live. Please understand, it wasn’t him giving me permission to act on an egoic impulse neither was it a warning. It wasn’t him trying to tell me how short life is. Nothing like that. It was the voice of one who had transcended. He was speaking to my faith.
For you see, I’ve been like the little fearful mouse in the corner about things I’ve wanted to do in life. I could impress you by saying it was because I put my son first. And truly I did. As a post-divorce single parent, I had to make sacrifices and I did that with absolute joy. But what I’m talking about goes wayyyyyy beyond that. I saw my parents work, work, work. Nothing came easy. They took literally that passage of scripture where it says that a man shall work by the sweat of his brow. I only saw them go to church and go to work. That was it. We never took family vacations. My mom and dad never got away for alone times. They either felt it sinful and irreverent to partake of certain pleasures of life or my dad would say he had already travelled and no longer wanted to.
So being a product of all that, I’ve found it difficult to break free of that survival mentality. I’m doing better, true; but every single time I make a purchase for myself, I have to overcome the guilt that it brings. I think if we were to reference the book or the movie EAT PRAY LOVE as an example, I feel that I’ve thoroughly prayed – all my life I’ve sought to know God. He Is ever revealing Himself to me. I’m experiencing satisfying love. My sweet Robert is an absolute gift of Love. It’s the eat part. It’s the enjoying life part that has been a battle.
Take for instance something as simple as purchasing a flat-screen TV. I heaved and hawed over it for weeks, taking painstaking lengths to get the best deal. It wasn’t because I was so concerned with the brand name or the pixels. I was more concerned with buying TVs while they were the cheapest. Sounds pretty responsible right? Yes, on the surface; not so much when you looked underneath. I was scared. That’s the real. I was scared to make a purchase of that magnitude because it wasn’t a need. If my current set was broken, somehow I would have felt more justified. It wasn’t though.
What about buying it just because I wanted it? What about that?
The decision was mine. I just had trouble permitting myself to buy it. It wasn’t about God; the problem was in me. It’s called TRUST. I didn’t trust that God would provide just as much for a want as a need. I struggled with whether there would be more if I used what I had. Lawrence needed me to know that God had more than enough for me. He didn't want me to squandor this life for a so-so one when I could have so much more.
I think that’s why I’m finding this awakening so profound. Something happened when Lawrence left his body. I know this. Despite my grief, I knew something else was going on. In my mind’s eye, or shall I say my spirit’s eye, I saw him wanting to communicate with me from a place of transcendence. He was now looking at a God, ready, willing and wanting to provide everything I’d ever ever need in this life. I kept hearing “Suzette, you’ll be irresponsible if you don’t live. There are places you’ve not been, GO. There are things you have not seen, SEE THEM.” I could hear him pleading with me. Do it and trust God.
So my next chapter looks like this: me tasting the good things of life. I see my eyes rolling back and closing in absolute delight as the flavor of living excites my palette and fills me with joy. It’s the savoring instead of surviving. That’s the message. Thank you, Lawrence. I hear you. I hear you.
