"If your dream is big enough, the odds don't matter," said Dennis Gaddy as he addressed his audience comprised mainly of formerly incarcerated men and women and prospective volunteers. This caused the hairs on my arm to stand at attention as I rustled anxiously through my pocketbook for something to write with. I had been wrestling with feelings of self-doubt all weekend, praying for some type of confirmation that I was on the right road.
No matter how called, appointed or anointed you are for the task or how purpose-driven or visceral the call, you will be met with opposition. To some of us that is news. We think that if God gave the call that it means our Red Sea will part and all of us will walk to the other side on dry land. We forget that prior the suffering of the Israelites had become more intense. After Moses told Pharoah to "let my people go," Pharoah started acting the fool! Moses was proclaiming the very words I AM told him to say. And even after plagues and disease ravaged Egypt and Pharoah finally said basically, "get the hell out," these happy vindicated souls come up against something that had absolutely nothing to do with Egypt. The sea. As if that isn't enough, Pharoah and his army were in hot pursuit with the intent to annihilate every man, woman, boy and girl. Terror!
Terror, yep, that's the feeling. Despite planning my work and working my plan, terror. Despite meeting with a client excited about utilizing my musical services, terror. Despite the here-here's of my boyfriend and the excitement on the faces of the people at the church who enjoyed my piano playing, I was in a chokehold that I couldn't shake. It would lift for a moment while I played or later sang, but everytime I'd get alone, it would wrap its chilly fingers back around my neck. At these times, what you believe is tested. In these moments, you grasp for your original resolve but just can't get the same feeling. In these moments of aloneness when nobody is spurring you along anymore, you start to question if you really have what it takes.
Those who were once on your team have stopped asking how you are. And if they do, your paranoia tells you they don't really want to know. They want you to say that you have a job. They want you to say that everything's great. They don't want to hear about your suffering. And honestly, you don't want to hear about it either. You feel like detaching from everyone because now, they are more a danger to you than you could ever be to them. Any lack of enthusiasm for your dream is exaggerated. Every sigh, every glazed look, every hesitation heightens our sensitivities. So with all those feelings wrapped around my neck, I decided to go check out Mr. Gaddy and CSI's orientation. Yep, I tend to do the opposite of what I'm feeling.
Mr. Gaddy introduced two previously incarcerated individuals to the group. I can't recall their names. One was of Puerto Rican descent and the other was a devoted Muslim. Their stories were unbelievable! With the crimes they had committed, they should not have been greeting us or even alive to tell us about their experiences--yet there they were. Men who had overcome the odds stacked so high against them that it was likened to the Red Sea that the Israelites faced. Yet, their stories removed every single excuse I or anyone else had for not moving forward.
Paramount for me was the fact that they persevered through opposition. Where most would have sat down and quit or committed a crime to go back to prison, they perservered. I heard a whisper. "Crashing is part of the journey," it said. On the road to success there will be crashes. You'll be going strong and making progress then...wham. These men both were thriving for a while, then due to the economy, had to close down their businesses. They didn't stop though. They kept moving. Going back to prison was not an option for them--they had decided that--so, they had to find a way to make it work.
That's what happens when your dream is big enough. Even if you wanted to give up, the strength of the dream won't let you. Even if you decide to close your mouth, it'll speak to you through people, places, things. Even if you refuse to pursue it during waking hours, it'll haunt you in your dreams. You can't get away from it.
