There is a story in the Old Testament of the Bible about four lepers. Speaking in the voice of a preacher as he clears his throat, takes a sip of water and tells the awaiting congregation, “Those who have their Bibles, turn with me to 2 Kings 7: 3-8. If you have it, say ‘Amen.’”
Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die? If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.” At dusk they got up and went to the camp of the Arameans. When they reached the edge of the camp, not a man was there, for the Lord had caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army, so that they said to one another, “Look, the king of Israel has hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!” So they got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys. They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives. The men who had leprosy reached the edge of the camp and entered one of the tents. They ate and drank, and carried away silver, gold and clothes, and went off and hid them. They returned and entered another tent and took some things from it and hid them also.
I’m fascinated by this story. There is something so captivating here: If there is a probability – no matter how small – of success, then I gotta take it.
To fill you in on what’s been going on with me, I told my boss last Tuesday that I was leaving the company. This was no easy decision. Let. Me. Tell. You. If you’ve been following my blog, you know I've been dissatisfied for a looooooong time. But you know how it goes. On the one hand, you tell yourself at least you got a job. All these people out here with more credentials and degrees than you and they can’t find a job. You tell yourself you need to stop complaining and be grateful for what you have. “Besides, you old gurl. You 52 years old. And you know how much your health insurance skyrocketed when you turned 50.” Yet, on the other hand is this just-as-certain voice that says, “Gurl, you can’t stay in this job. You so worn out you can hardly get out of bed to even go to work. You’re miserable.” Being caught between two opposing opinions is like being squeezed to death. You can’t breath. You can’t move. It’s awful!
I couldn’t rest. Even while I was on sick leave, grieving the loss of my cousin, I couldn’t fully grieve the way I needed to because I was worried about my job. I was worried about the load of work awaiting me when I returned. I was worried that deadlines would be missed. Yet, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, incapable of doing a darn thang about it. I begged God to help me. I was under siege.
I know you’re waiting to hear how God saved the day, right? Well, He did but not in the way you’d imagine. Rather than deal with the decision, he zeroed in on the fear, doubt and intimidation that had me in a chokehold. I didn't trust myself. He knew that was more mammoth than any decision. “You and I were an indomitable team, weren’t we?,” He said, reminding me of how we masterfully navigated the whole homeownership process. In that moment, I realized that, though the homebuying process had its own chills and thrills, God and I navigated every single aspect of it and did it brilliantly if I must say so myself. Peace came. No more torment. Even in the midst of grieving my cousin, I felt myself expand larger than what was trying to squeeze the life out of me. The decision wasn’t the most important thing. It was knowing that God and I were an indomitable team.
So, yes, I told my boss that I was leaving the company. Do I have another job to go to? No. I don’t know what I will be doing. Could I be out of my ever-lovin mind? I might very well be. I’ve been known to make a hair-brained decision from time to time. Despite this being true, here I am again. Though I tried to take the responsible, not-rock-the-boat approach by trying to find a job before giving my notice, I knew that I couldn’t delay my decision any longer. It’s scary as all get-out; yet as exciting as all get-out just the same. All I know is this: God and I have navigated every twist, turn and kerfluffle of my life. He’s been my biggest fan, never damning me for my choices but applauding me for taking the risk. Always there to lend his unwavering support. Who wouldn’t serve a God like that! Soooo using the deductive reasoning of my friends the four lepers, this is what I decided: If I stay at the job, I’ll not be fulfilled and there is no potential for fulfillment. At least not to date. If I don’t make a decision, my indecisiveness will subject me to more suffering, I’ll darn sho not be fulfilled. If I leave my job, all those terrifying might-happens might happen. I might fall flat on my face, this is true. Just the same, if there’s a chance, the slightest chance that I might be successful, I gotta take it.
