I'm Awake

Today is the second day I've challenged myself to get up early and get to work 8:00ish.  I ain't gon lie.  It's been hard.  I probably shouldn't have stayed up watching one of my favorite television police shows, Castle, last night.  I dozed half way through it.  Despite the struggle, I am finding that I can get to work by 8am, okay 8:15, even with Highway 40 traffic congestion and I am not drained at the end of the day.  Who knew! 

Self discipline is something we have to work on every single day. 

Folks envy those who have flexible work hours and can do whatever they want when they want.  However, truth be told, you get pretty lazy unless you set goals for yourself.  This morning I had to use my parent voice to rouse me from underneath those comfy sheets.  This is where you intention has to be clear.

I've already put out into the Universe that I want to wake up every morning excited about my day.  This doesn't just happen however.  Each day I have to take conscious steps in that direction.  With this in mind, I have adopted some guiding principles.

One of my guiding principles is to watch what I lend my strength to. 

True, I work part-time for someone else right now.  That might be the reason I need to be roused out of bed.  Nevertheless, I am expected to show up to work and perform the job at an acceptable level.  With burn outs has come wisdom.  I've learned that I don't have to overachieve, especially when it's not what I ultimately want for my life.  My strength is reserved for building an authentic worklife.

This insight didn't come without a struggle.  I was told like many of you that as a Black woman I'd have to do everything better than my counterparts.  This was reinforced in school where people of color had to be higher achievers and over achievers to get the same opportunities as others.  For this reason, many of us don't feel worthy unless we work hard.  However, even a strong work ethic becomes a dysfunction if you don't feel you are enough in and of yourself.  The key is this, when you seek to live authentically, resources are attracted to you.  Accept them as God's validation of you. 

Another guiding principle is to do something to maximize my businesses every single day.

Fortunately, I've taken what I am gifted to do, talented at, and skilled to do and turned it into businesses.  Nevertheless, my goal is profitability.  This requires denouncing a hobby mentality. 

I've mentioned already that I work part-time.  It's for a staffing agency providing bookkeeping services for one of its clients.  Well, my business Odyssey Administrative Services offers bookkeeping as well.  A hobby mentality would accept doing the bookkeeping for someone else.  However, my entrepreneurial spirit knows that the day will come when working for another company will no longer work for me.  No pun intended.  Staying conscious that this is merely a stepping stone keeps me ready for the shift.  And trust, a shift is coming. 

When you stand conscious and honoring of who you are, even in your work life, anything that is not on board is headed for a shift.  Just because you've been traveling this highway of life for a long time doesn't mean that Life won't bring you to an exit.  The exit might be to abandon one highway to travel a completely different one.  Orrrrrrrr, it might be to follow the same highway but with a shift in perspective.  There might be something redeemable, reinventable, in your current circumstances that will lead you to where you want to be.  A practical example of this is, say, a temporary assignment is about to come to an end but the company still wants you to work for them.  Rather than becoming an employee, your Wiser Self might lead you to negotiate an agreement to subcontract.  Hello, it's been done before.  Know this, when someone really truly wants you, they are willing to negotiate how you will provide the service.   

Elizabeth Gilbert, My Soul Sister

While watching an encore of The Best of the Oprah Show where Oprah is interviewing Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the phenom EAT PRAY LOVE, about her journey, I feel such a kindredness to her.  Our journeys are geographically different but so spiritually similar.

I know what it's like to have an enviable life:  the house, the husband, the life, yet be absolutely miserable.  She talks about retiring to the bathroom and laying on her face, sobbing profusely and pouring out her soul. "Please help me," she said as she rocked back-and-forth engulfed in the discomfort of not being happy.  She didn't want to be married anymore.  She didn't want the house.  She just wanted to run away; she just wanted out.  Been there, soul sister.  You don't know how to do it.  You don't know anything except you just can't do it anymore.  Hers was 6 months.  Mine?  I'm not so sure of the time frame.  All I know is that I came to a point where I could no longer tolerate my life.

Prayer takes on many forms.  Some see it as a conscious act of intellectual and articulate communication.  Prayer becomes a soul's cry when you are overwhelmed and don't know how, what, where, when, and you feel ripped apart.  All you can get out of your mouth is a "help me."  It's an acknowledgement that life is too big.  Stuff happens that hits you from left field and flat lines you.  Sometimes prayer is a whimper, a holler, a moan, a sigh and God speaks fluent whimper, holler, moan and sigh.

Another thing I feel makes her my soul sister is she recognized that she had not allowed herself to enjoy pleasure.  Everything was about right, wrong, responsible, obligatory and boundaries that were so stringent they were killing her life force.  I understand that as I grew up in a very sheltered environment.  I felt like I couldn't breathe else risk sinning.

I'm going to make a very bold statement and nobody has to agree with me.  It's my observation.  Strict, legalistic, even very religious backgrounds seem to perpetuate frustration that uses sex as an outlet.  Whether it's pornography or some other hidden sexual exploit, most folks use it to cope with some dissatisfaction, some lack, some guilt.  As a child, I was puzzled about the teenage girls that had to sit in the back of the church because there were pregnant.  They had heard the same fire and brimstone messages as me.  Yet, there they were.  Have you ever wondered why that is?

"It's the pleasures of sin," the preacher and church community said.  "That's why you need to stay in church."  The devil was often blamed.  Is that possibly a form a denial though?  After all, you have no responsibility to do anything when you fall prey to the devil.  Lord knows, I didn't want that to happen to me.  I'd hear a guilt-heavy sermon and I'd collapse on the altar, begging God to stop the devil from running roughshod in my life.  As I matured, I became aware of something.  It wasn't the devil I was fighting.  I was fighting ignorance.  I was fighting the cry for attention due to neglect. I was fighting low self-esteem.  My love tank was fractured and the things I did or the people I was attracted to were only evidence of that.  Rules and condemnation only beat down further an already messed up concept of self, God and people.  There aren't enough academic accolades, makeovers, designer clothes, money or career successes to fix you up when you are bleeding out.

We forget that God created sexuality and said it was good.  We are so concerned about the consequences that we forget that the devil didn't create it.  We hold hostage our capacity for intimacy for fear of crossing the line.  That is bondage.  To walk around not free to feel, to care, to draw close to someone.  May as well be serving a life sentence.  Can I testify?  Giving honor to God, missionaries, saints and friends.  I've lived most of my life in fear of my sexuality, fighting with my sexuality, allowing a husband not to honor my sexuality and allowing other people to dictate what's proper. No more.  I am God's daughter, free from guilt and shame and it feels great.  At His right hand are pleasures evermore.  And a girl is enjoying them.  All those who know the words of prayer, pray much for me!

This is a great segway into Love.  Elizabeth Gilbert had given up on Love.  She felt it was for somebody else.  She didn't realize that in finding herself, she was finding Love.  In reconnecting with pleasure, she was attracting intimacy.  The real kind.  Not the obligatory kind.  Not the at-least-he-don't-beat me kind.  Not the politically correct kind.  Not the BORING kind.  Can I say that again?  Not the BORING kind where roles and ought's and should's undermine the connection.  I don't care if when he gets up the Heavens part and a dove comes down and perches on his head, if he's not a loving, approachable, accessible, vulnerable, mindful, open and willing spirit, "til death us do part" is a prison life sentence.

I can't say I gave up on Love.  I can say it was painful to want it but not know how to attract it.  That made me not want to think about it.  At night, however, when my soul would weep, I heard my inner self say, "this cannot be your Legacy. You cannot leave this Earthly realm having not known what it feels like.  You just can't."  Yes, God loves me and I was SO glad.  Nevertheless, my heart found no consolation.

Like Elizabeth, while doing soul work, Love slipped up on me.  And like her, I ran away from it for a time confused and scared.  It's one thing to pray for, yearn for, wish for something.  It's another thing when it actually shows up.  I think that sends you into a kind of shock.  But I'm grateful that Love never fails. Somehow, it all comes together. Every mistrusting part of you will come to the surface, but there's something in the interaction that finds a way to attend to it.  That's when healing happens.

So when Elizabeth gushed about being in Love, I understood the sparkle, the broad smile and the Light in her face.  Go head, soul Sister.  You don't know my face, but you know my spirit.  

It's Coming Together

It is true.  When you stand in your authentic light, what's for you is drawn to you.  I have experienced that this week.  While happily posting blogs, to Pinterest, to Storylane and even a comment or two on Facebook (okay, maybe 3 or 4, but who's counting!), I am walking into people who are on the same life path.  It's not just that we're nodding politely as we pass each other, but I'm finding that they have a piece that will help complete my life picture. 

In an earlier post, I wrote something along the lines of Bathroom Confessions.  I tried to give it a title that was clever and provocative.  The cliff note version is I ran into a natural sister and author I had met some time ago but didn't recognize.  That's strange for me because I forget names all the time, but faces?  I rarely forget a face.  Well, long story short, our polite chat revealed a similar path and belief about what we were destined to do.  She suggested that I meet someone who could help me increase the profitability of my businesses.  Well, yesterday we had a telephone conversation.

You know those kinds of conversations that (1) feel like you've been knowing the person forever and (2) feel like it's not a coincidental occurrence--there is some purpose in it?  I felt all that and more as I talked with Katrina M. Harrell.  She's an author, an entrepreneur and coaches others to make their businesses more profitable.  As we talked about my dream of having my own coaching business, she talked about transitioning from pro bono to attracting clients who will not only seek me for my help but will gladly pay my fee.  I've been praying about how to build a lucrative practice and what she said resonated with me. 

CLICK!  A piece of the puzzle just moved into place. 

Then today, I had a telephone meeting with Dr. Towanna from Black Life Coaches.  If my recollection is correct, I was on LinkedIn responding to someone wanting to connect with me when I saw this group.  Up to this point, I had not seen any group that specifically focused on helping African American coaches become all they can be.  This group does.  It provides a space to learn, grow and thrive.  During my interactions, I found she and her support staff to be very thorough, very professional and it was as if she had a bug in my head because she said everything that I had thought, felt or dreamed about doing with my coaching business.  Their specialization is optimization, using the internet as a tool.  They have a hands-on approach though:  suggesting ways of improving your website, how to use articles to perk the interest of potential clients, even helping you to land television and radio spots if that's your thing. 

CLICK!  Another piece of the puzzle just clicked into position.

It feels like they are on either side of me, each holding something valuable to the next phase of my journey.  Profitability, that's what's next. And yes, I'm talking about money.  Being able to make money doing what you love, to me, is the greatest gift next to having good health.  I want to be able to say to God, I took every talent, skill, gift you gave me and I multiplied it.  Where there was no way, I used my voice, I prayed forward, I used what you gave me to create one.   

Well, it's time to end another workweek and get my weekend in full swing.  As I cut off the lights in my office and join the other cars on a hopefully not-so-crowded Highway 40, I feel things falling into place.  My picture is becoming more complete as the right pieces come together.

Listen, Your Destiny is Calling

You have a good life:  a good job, a comfortable home, and you might even have the man or woman of your dreams.  All is well, right?  Right!  So why the unrest?  Why is there this sigh inside of you that goes unnoticed?  Why is there this so-so feeling that you cover up when you interact with others or when people talk about how "good" you've got it?  Makes you feel bad.  Makes you feel ungrateful.  Yet, it remains.  You can volunteer to help the blind, the deaf, the blind and deaf, but it still remains.  You can go to church, have a Hallelujah good time but when the smoke clears, it's still there.  You can lay in the arms of your beloved but when he or she rolls over and goes to sleep, it whispers to you.  It's that deep breath in followed by a silent sigh of unfulfillment.

I have good news. You're not ungrateful.  Lest you should spend dollars on a therapist's couch needlessly, neither are you depressed.  None of that.  Your destiny is simply calling.

Inside the human spirit, I believe there is some Divine DNA.  Along with surviving circumstances that would have killed someone else or a heart that forgives the most heinous of unforgiveable acts, there is some spiritual coding inside that sends out an energy pulse when it's time to make a change or you've somehow found yourself at the wrong place, the wrong time or with the wrong person.  On the surface, everything looks good.  You might have the most understanding and affirming boss ever, make more money than you've ever made, gotten awards and accolades for your contribution, have a strong family life, have all the symbols of success but if you are encoded with something deeper, you will not be happy unless or until unearth the treasure.

How I wish destiny would give you some advance warning.  You could make some adjustments.  You could negotiate the timing of things with the mortgage payment, the kids' needs, your husband or wife's temperament and timetable.  Unfortunately, your calling doesn't work that way.  I've found it to be quite rude.  It disrupts your sleep whenever it gets ready and says, "it's time to wake up NOW."  I marvel that those little stirrings throughout my life meant something.  I just didn't know it.  Me, I dismissed it as simply something I enjoyed or had an inclination towards but never took it really, really seriously.  It was a hobby that I might fit in whenever I had the time.  Or a temporary fill-in between jobs.  But when it came to making a living and taking care of my family, I put it aside for a "real job."

When contemplating destiny and purpose, Oprah's response rings most true.  She says, "The work of your life is to discover your purpose and get on with the business of living it out."  That, my friend, is your spiritual quest.  You have to find out why the house, the car, the children, the job, the man, the life you have built is not enough.  In your unrest, there is a nugget of wisdom yet to be uncovered.  It signals you that something is off course and you need to get busy figuring out what it is.

Ignoring, rationalizing, explaining, reframing or even beating yourself up - all, wasted uses of your time--must cease.  Listen, simply listen.  Listen to that unrest inside of you.  Pay attention.  Some folks can do that on their own.  Others need a supportive influence--a midwife, if you will--to help coach them through the birthing process to that point of illumination.  I have been blessed to be that supportive influence.  I have also been blessed to have someone support me.

This has brought me into great company!  They have been veiled in a femaleness and their skin color is of a brown hue, yet no less great servants to this world.  One has found her sense of purpose and joy in motivational speaking.  Another has found a sense of calling in advocacy.  This is not the end of their calling but they are awakening to the fact that what they feel is not just a passing phase.  It's more important. It's how they were created to serve the world.  Like me, they have been challenged by three things:  One, feeling that family and friends don't get it.  They don't fit anymore.  Probably never did.  Two, feeling like in order to get along with others they have to pull back or dim their light.  And last but certainly not least, one word - fear.

We seem selfless.  We seem giving.  But if the truth be told, we are afraid.  We doubt ourselves and the strength of our calling.  This makes it much easier to push somebody else's dream.  We have all be confronted with that.  We have all asked ourselves why.  To this, I have some wisdom I've gained.  There is Bible story of ten lepers who asked Jesus to heal them.  Though there are accounts of Jesus laying hands or speaking to maladies and folks being healed immediately, such was not the experience of these guys.  He instructed them to go and show themselves to the priest.  Somewhere along the way, they noticed that their diseased limbs were whole.  Sometimes you get what you need as you go.  Persistence pays off.  The longer I keep working toward my goal, the more my confidence increases.

I say to you, using the words of Marianne Williamson.  "Your playing small does not serve the world."  God gave you the talents, the gifts, the skills and the desire for something greater in your life.  It is His Divine DNA, a reflection of His Image, inside of you.  To deny it is to deny Him.  It's that simple.  So part of my coaching is assisting clients with working through that unfinished small thinking.  Doesn't mean that you eliminate family and friends out of your life.  Quite the contrary.  Broaden your space.  Add some more chairs.  There is room for them in your life.  What you have to do however is not give them a front row seat.  Save those seats for like-minded individuals.  Save those seats for your cheering section.  Save those seats for people who support your vision.

I've observed two kinds of success stories:  people who are snarky and those who are grateful.  The former give credit to no one but themselves.  They pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps.  "Nobody helped me," they say as they look down their noses.  To me, these are the people who "gained the whole world and lost their souls."  They are ungrateful, cynical, detached creatures.  There is no empathy or regard for their fellow man.  On the other side, you have those who give credit to the angels who supported them along the way.  Rather than focus on who didn't help them, they talk about the kind stranger who let them sleep on the sofa when they fell on hard times.  They speak kindly and reverently of the surrogate family who believed in them against all odds.  They give honor to their faith whether it's God, some other spiritual teacher, or in the kindness of others.  These folks reach their destined end with a gratitude, a joy, a grace. What determines which success story you will tell?  I believe it's release.

You release those who won't, don't or can't support where you are going.  You release the husband or the wife who found they could no longer honor their marriage vows because of your emergence.  You release family members who were critical of your dream, disavowed your worth or accused you of abandoning your roots.  You release the difficulty of your journey.  But most of all, you release yourself.  You release yourself from having to prove you are good enough.  You stop doing penance for a crime you didn't commit or a sentence you didn't deserve.  You surround yourself with people who accept you as you.  This way, when you attend family functions or go out with your friends, you don't expect stuff out of them that they simply cannot give you.  Sidebar:  if they make an offhanded remark or you sense a growing cynicism, relegate them in the nosebleed section.

The Day After Vacation

It's the day after a week-long vacation to The Bahamas with the man I love and I feel little-to-no motivation to do a darn thing.  I've commented on posts to Facebook, uploaded pictures from the vacation, contributed to Pinterest and to Story Lane.  I have little energy for anything else though.  I've not unpacked a single bag.  I've not made up my bed.  I've not left this house all day long.

The cruise was great!  So many moments.  So much love.  So much to do and to experience.  Seminars, spa treatments, food, games, swimming pool, hot tub, more food.  Music, dancing, shopping, food.  Lots of activity until the wee hours.  Excursions both by land and by sea.  I enjoyed participating in ship activities with my boyfriend, true; but after a while, I understood something.  We are explorers and tend to be more self-directed.  We are twin souls when it comes to that.  The second thing is that we both need individual time:  him going his way, me going mine.  I'm grateful that we didn't have to have a deep discussion about it, we just sensed it and flowed with it.  Easy as breathing.  I lingered in the bed and he got his day started.  We met up vicariously and it felt so romantic.

We're back home now.  And it's good to be home.  It feels comfy and cozy.  I'm not tired.  Not depressed.  Well, not physically that is.  I do miss my boyfriend.  I feel like we bonded more deeply this trip.  This morning, I could feel it.  There was a vulnerability to us both that was deeper than it was before.  We hated to part.

So today, I don't have too much to say.  Just texting, writing here and there and commenting on Facebook, that's about all.  I needed this day to transition back into my life at my own pace.  I'll plug back into things and people more fully after a while.  Until then, I give myself permission to just be.