When you are standing in your authentic light, you attract all that you need to support you. I truly believe that. It resonates in my spirit. In practice however, you have to disconnect from what you left and focus on where you're going. That's no easy task. When I first jumped into the water, it felt liberating. I was splashing happily around and full of hope. But after you've been in that water for longer than you anticipated, it takes more effort to stay afloat.
Part of the difficulty is seeing jobs that peak my interest or resonate with me and finding out they require a Master's Degree or some skill set that I don't have. Then the difficulty is magnified when I don't even get calls for the positions that I actually have the qualifications for. That's a blow. The only folks knocking my door down are sales--not to buy a product or service but to sell it. I wish I could impress you with some great insights or some unwavering resolve, but to be honest, I am feeling shaky.
Out of that shakiness or just a need to be acknowledged, I accepted three interviews for sales jobs. I tried to justify it and tell myself that the right sales job might be a good fit. You liked doing sales renewals at your last job, I told myself. Hogwash! I knew better. These weren't those types of jobs and I knew it. My ego just needed some stroking. It felt good having something to look forward to. So, I let it stay on my calendar so I wouldn't feel like nobody wanted me.
Today, however, I had to pull the cord. Well, yesterday actually. I emailed the Human Resource folks and the Regional Manager and told them I wasn't interested. It was soooo hard. It was hard to cut that potential job cord and let it float away. I had expected to be gainfully employed by now, dag nabbit! Here I was telling the Regional Manager for EPM-Trugreen that I didn't want to sell. Gurlfriend, you ain't got no job!
I have no problem with Sales professionals. I've met some with really big hearts and sincere motives. But it's that pressure to sell that I don't like. When your hourly pay rate is so low, you got to compensate for it with commissions. It takes me back to a time when I was a Mary Kay consultant on the fast track to both directorship and the candy apple red Grand Am. It wasn't that I needed the job or the car, it was the adrenalin rush. Besides, I was being lauded a success story, a natural. And they were right as long as there was no pressure. When I first became a consultant, I did it to get my products wholesale. I didn't even remotely want to make it a career. Until, that is, folks started signing up. Within about a month, I became a team leader and got a big fat commission check for over $1000.
At that point, I shifted from simply being happy and wearing the product to going for the goal. I was under pressure to get 3 more people cuz the clock was ticking. This is when it got hard. I made some sells but nobody wanted to become a consultant so I started making a list of my friends. I called them one by one to tell them about the Mary Kay opportunity. With every phone call I made, I started feeling more and more like a fraud. I was starting to objectify my friends, so not the person I wanted to be. Alarmed and disappointed in myself, I stopped and discontiued being a consultant.
Life is now sending me some whispers. They aren't cautionary whispers telling me something ain't right but whispers to observe what's happening around me. Something I'm doing is on the right track. You know how I know? While surfing the web, I came upon StudentMentor.com. It is comprised of students and professionals who mentor them. I registered and am now a professonal mentor coach to college students across the nation. I'm not getting a paycheck as such but I am getting valuable experience and the opportunity to do what resonates with me. While looking for jobs to apply for, I saw a job to write for Hubpages. They actually pay you to write. I don't know if it's like Associated Content, but it's still another means of expanding my readership. I'm almost done with being qualified to volunteer at WakeMed. I'll also be going to an interest meeting for Camp Leaders for The Encouraging Place, a nonprofit that ministers to women regardless of socioeconomic status or issues. They are planning their annual Women's Summer Camp. I'm surrounded by whispers.
Granted, I've been off work for two months now and I've had to use up my savings. I didn't want to do that but at least I had a savings to use. Perhaps that is what I need to focus on--the provision. When I think about it all, I am filled with awe. I am not destitute or desperate. My bills are paid and I have enough money to go for another month if I have to. In the meantime, I am attracting meaningful work. My highest self is not being held hostage. I am free. I am breathing free air and I am making a difference in peoples' lives. It's not measured in money. It's measured in fulfillment.
So tonight I celebrate. I celebrate my now. It's true! It's true! When you stand in your authentic light, you do attract all you need to support you. It's not necessarily going to be a cake walk--it seldom is--and, at least for me, God never shows up the way I expect Him to. I think he's doing something over here and I'll be darned if He doesn't show up over there...lol.
