Can you believe this was the subject of one of the emails in my mailbox? I was in the process of deleting some Brand-X ones cluttering my inbox but this one caught my attention.
Dear Friend,Have you ever wondered if your "energy" was holdingyou back from attracting love?
According to our friend, energy expert Christie Sheldon,
your vibrations influence the quality of people and
relationships you'll attract into your life.
As I read more, I became aware that this Christie person was more of a spiritualist who does energy work. It had that kind of psychic vibe to it. Not quite the direction I wanted to explore but I couldn't deny the gravity of that question.
I am currently in a relationship. What’s different about the Suzette now versus the Suzette then? The one who was the poster child for attracting unavailable men. Hummmm, let me ponder this for a sec.
When I consider the energy I had right before I met my now-boyfriend, one thing comes to mind almost immediately. I didn’t leave it to chance. I know, I know, most relationship books tell you to get busy. To fill your life with the things you enjoy and be about living. They tell you to focus on yourself and by doing so, you’ll attract Mr. Right. Weeeeell, that might work for some folks—and I did do all those things--but it still didn’t stop the ache in my heart.
I listened to my heart. I stopped trying to avoid what whispered in my ear loudest when I came home to an empty apartment or after watching a love story or when laying in bed starring out into the darkness. “I want a man in my life.” Up until this point, I had been trying to adopt the happy single woman lifestyle. My son was now in college. Now was the time to do all the things I couldn’t do as a single parent. Jump starting my life with www.meetup.com, I did some fun things and met some great people but there was still this aching in my heart for a deeper, more intimate connection.
I remember laying in bed after I finished grieving yet another false-start to the tune of a nine-month relationship. “I don’t want to feel lonely and desperate again,” my heart anguished. I knew what the statistics said about dating over 40. I was now 51! I also knew that things looked even more grim if you were an African American woman in her 50’s, but I still had to admit that I couldn’t see myself growing old alone. I just couldn’t go out like that. Soooo, I decided to stop trying. No more psyching myself up otherwise. No more rationalizing. No more trying to live up to the 21st century single woman ideal.
The next thing I remember doing was detoxing. I think that’s a good way of putting it. I’m sure Christie would say that my energy pulse was low because I had come out of a previous relationship. She’d probably be right. But in my mind at the time, I knew I had to work through some things. Shed some baggage that was no longer serving a purpose in my life. I sought a therapist. It’s not that I felt I had some mental issues. Not at all. I just knew that I had to focus on reclaiming my best self. I had to get the smell of relationships past out of my skin. I had hair-trigger reactions to things grounded in what counselors call “anger distortions.”
Anger distortions are our intense reactions over what we hear or perceive. I’ve often heard them referred to as triggers. I called mine landmines. Something hidden just underneath the ground. You’re walking along, minding your own business, then you unknowingly or unsuspectingly step on one. KABLAMMMM. Such was my emotional trigger. If I felt a man was being condescending, if he told me he would do something and didn’t, or if I felt he was playing me, KABLAMMMM. Now here’s the thing. It was merely a perception. I had to learn that. It was a mistrust created by some disappointment in my life that left a wound that never healed. With the help of a relationship coach, working through those anger distortions changed the way I saw things. It changed how I saw people, especially men. And it changed how I saw myself.
Now that I had let go of some emotional weights, I knew I couldn’t remain on the sidelines. I had to get back in the game. Sooooooo, I dusted off my little black book aka my favored online dating site. I updated my profile. Remembering Dr. Michelle Callahan’s advice in her book, MS. TYPED, I predetermined that I was going to bring my real self to dating. Not the mistrusting shadow of me, but the happy, genuine me. Sidebar: I strongly recommend you read her book. It changed my approach to dating for the better.
Finding Mr. Right wasn’t immediate. I had to date a few might be’s, wannabes, and possiblys. In fact, I threw back my diamond. You see, I had read that if a man didn’t call you back within 48 hours of going out with you, he “just wasn’t that into you.” Well, my diamond didn’t read that book. He read if you don’t give her space, she’ll feel you are desperate and it’ll turn her off. So you can imagine how that went. I chuckle when I think about it. Anyway, my point here is context. Most of us don’t take relationship advice in context. And my next point, Thank God I had the good sense to admit--to him--that I had made a mistake.
Well, that’s my energetic recount. I’m not saying everyone is like me, so I won’t assume that you aren’t happy being single. If you aren’t though. Is your energy holding you back from love?
