Different people, different reasons, different times of life have brought this same course around again and again. I've failed more than I've succeeded. Whenever I was confronted with tests, I'd cry, complain, lament--I mean sackcloth-and-ashes--to God and whomever would listen about how I hated this and sang the "this person done me wrong" song in the key of E flat. I can't tell you exactly when the shift happened...but... it... did. Thank God that He's a relentless teacher and determined to give us Life and that more abundantly by any means necessary!
Here I am, re-entering this class for the umpteenth time. My teachers are many. God is pulling out all the stops, I tell ya! Every person I am in relationship with is a teacher. Every man I've encountered while dating is a teacher. Books that speak my language and secret closet illuminations from God are my tutors. The lessons, the study sessions, the tests are all to teach me about my liberation.
I've had a couple of wisdom, or as Oprah calls them "aha" moments:
Dating is not about romance. What a revelation! It isn't about getting wined and dined. It isn't about getting someone to buy me flowers for Valentine's Day. It isn't about sporting a man on my arm - finally - to the envy of all those around me. It even isn't about getting the ring and living a charmed married life. Dating is about creating an energy that says to the right man, "I'm here." It's taking off my fluffy robe and putting the TV remote down, leaving the house and stepping out into the Light. Light attracts.
Another aha is a good man can have an unflattering moment. He might not call 24-48 hours after you first meet. He might say something nerdy. He might wear the wrong shoes with his suit. He can have a bad hair day. He can go into fix-it mode when you need him to just listen. Thanks to my relationship coach, I am not as inclined to fight; but fleeing is a little more of a challenge to overcome. For instance, I went out with a man a week ago that called regularly for a while then stopped. The first thing that went through my mind was "he's interested in someone else." Now, this might be true. But my point is that it may also be true that he had to fill in for his manager. I choose to believe what he said. "I'll stay open but proceed with caution," I told my coach.
Rather than go immediately into fight-or-flight mode and unleash your dissatisfaction prematurely on a man, just be calm. This is what my inner barometer is telling me. Count to 10. Count to 100. Whatever. He will reveal himself. It might take some time, but He will reveal himself. You don't have to get with your girlfriends and figure him out. You don't have to go on a fast and ask God for revelation. Just relax and know that whatever and whenever, I will be just fine. I. Will. Be. Just. Fine. Just calm those frightening thoughts and what if's and suppress the urges. Who he is and what his motivation is will become clear. First, it will be no reflection on me. And second, I will be well able to handle it. So chill.
The last aha came during today's session with my relationship coach. I realized that what fuels my loving, gregarious, joyful expressiveness is the foundation created by solid relationships in my life. If a person can be a spiritual gift, my family and friends are that for me. Those solid souls whose shoulders I stand on. They will not tolerate anyone, even me, mishandling myself. Hence, my aha moment today. Even in my dating and rebuilding my confidence, I cannot allow anything less from someone I am viewing as a potential life partner. My authentic soul requires that I have that standard for myself. Regardless to how handsome he is, how humorous he is, how much money he makes, how many gifts he buys me, how many times he takes me out to dinner, how much he goes to church, how "anointed" he is, how great a kisser he is, or how awesome he is in bed, if he's only interested in how I can best serve his purpose or some ego-driven need, he's not the one. Nothing against him. He just can't be my intimate partner.
The lesson is no longer just words in a book. The lesson is no longer about getting back up in the saddle. It's no longer just ambition or a high achiever's need to be successful. It's about my life. It's about fulfillment. It's about being free for real love. It's about my joy being full and overflowing on all those around me. In the words of Jesus, "And Peter, when though art converted, strengthen your brother." My purpose is tied to it.
