The beauty of being on the precipice of 53 years old is coming to a place of acceptance more quickly. I definitely am not exempt from rises and falls, bright spots and dark places, juggling different components of my life and evaluating when I should fight for and when I should simply let go.
There is a story in the Old Testament of King David where he fasted, prayed and begged God to spare the life of his baby with Bathsheba. When he received word that his child had died, he got up and went on about his life. Baffled, those around him inquired as to how he could do that. He simply said that as long as his child lived there was a chance for recovery but now his child was dead. There was nothing left to do. I cannot compare the events of this past week with David's process. It pales in comparison. But for the sake of making my point of acceptance, I can say this. Relationships have difficult places. Those I compare to category 1 earthquakes. You barely feel them. Contrary to this are our category 10 quakes. Those happen very seldomly--every 1000 years to be exact. But those are most devastating.
Feeling the undeniable strength of a relationship earthquake, I began to assess the strength of my foundation. This required that I take a look at the cracks that had been growing underneath my feet that now could not be ignored. I prayed for illumination. I consulted with family and friends. I prayed some more. Two things came out of this evaluation:
(1) I was afraid. What triggered my fear was becoming very sick and feeling vulnerable and alone. This sent a shock through everything that wasn't stable. Isn't that just like life? An earthquake, even a small tremor, will dismantle anything that might appear to be okay or manageable and make it fall to the floor and break into thousands of tiny pieces.
Though I feel a strong impulse to fight-or-flight when I feel vulnerable and alone, I had to stay that feeling. Talking to trusted friends and family helped stabilize me. I became aware that I cannot leave something due to fear. In the past, when I've done that, I've secondguessed what I did or what I said.
Lesson: Don't run off into the dark when you are spooked. You can't see where you're going and everything looks ominous. Wait until the light comes on before you make a move.
(2) Though talking to family and friends helped give me more perspective, I wasn't content until I heard the voice of my Wisest Self. There is a passage from the Bible--I can't tell you where it is--that says, "the entrance of your Word brings Light." What immediately comes to mind is sitting around the table, trying to figure something out. Then someone enters with the answer. The entrance of Truth settles all conflicts both internal and external. When that happens, I no longer need to consult with anyone else. I know what you must do.
This is what keeps me from becoming a victim. People come into our lives as mirrors. We all struggle with the image as long as we keep seeing the other person. But when we see ourselves, transformation takes place. Anything we are going through isn't about the other person; it has come to teach us something about ourselves. It has come to bring us to a more conscious place. It comes to show us what is out of order inside of us and what we must do to change that.
The final question I asked myself was "is this giving me what I need?" Not want, but truly need. Once you know that, it's easy to decide what to do even if prior to that you had a strong emotional attachment. Either that person is going to give that to you or they are not. Either they can or they cannot. No reason to villify them for it. Release them to find their own authentic path. It save you a great deal of angst and drama.
Lesson: Do not make a permanent decision based in your ego, i.e., guilt, shame, blame, or what other people think you should do. Rather, wait until your Wisest Self speaks. Then and only then will your decision be the right one. This will bring you into a drama free space and you can breathe again.
