Trust has multiple definitions and can take on a variety of positions - a noun, an adverb, a verb. While looking at it's multiple personalities there is one word that just keeps coming up. Confidence. As a verb, trust can be to rely upon or place confidence on something or someone. A child should have confidence in his parent to give him unconditional love, a safe place to express his true self and guidance in navigating this world. When two people decide to get married, there should be a confidence of til death us do part. What happens when something you had confidence in let you down?
I think it does something to you. Not all bad though as there are several people who have overcome great trauma and hurt to lead empires, become star athletes and even become the President of the United States. Wounded people who have chosen to help others rather than wound them. In my own life, however, I've found it is easier to make A's and B's than it is to overcome that deep hurt that often leads to a lack of confidence.
People may mean well when they say "you can trust me," but trust isn't something objective. Every person has a unique spin on this word we call trust. Moreover, each person has a different importance they place on what signifies trustworthiness. What may make all the sense in the world to you, might be ridiculous to me. With this understanding, I have come to seek a component of trust that I feel is most important. People are flawed. They mean well but they are flawed, so at some point, they will fail. Rather than seeking to find someone to be what they cannot be; it is better to put those energies into becoming someone you can trust.
I was watching Jay-Z give his Master Class on the OWN Network. He grew up in the projects, his dad left when he was young and he fell into certain unsavory activities. Perfect breeding ground for seeds of doubt and mistrust. In the segment called "Letting Go," he talked about the bitterness in his heart from age 12 to around 35-36 years of age towards his dad. He also talked about how freeing it was to tell his dad what was on his heart and the release it brought him from the past. It was pivotal and necessary to reclaim a heart capable of trust.
As I've said many times, my turning point was a book called Love Is A Choice. But there were others. Finding My Way Home, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway were all books that helped me to see that if my life was going to change, it had to start with me. With each book, I was able to identify what was broken or lost and, with God's help, forge a pathway to wholeness. What a journey! From book to book, experience to experience, God was there to coach me. He'd show me what was relevant and encouraged me to take risks. I failed more times than I succeeded, but I stopped falling backward into codependency. I started falling forward into God's arms. Like a parent whose child was pulling himself up on furniture and taking steps, God celebrated every movement I took toward authenticity.
Even now while seeing a relationship coach, it's not so much that she has been the silver bullet for me. I think what is happening is my attitude, my resolve and my work is feeding a new energy of trust. I believe that God is honoring my faith in action; as a result, wisdom is coming from inside of me. It is more than philosophical existential thought, it is transformative. The integrity of my behavior is being merged with my core beliefs and my values. Flaws that were once scary are becoming portals through which compassion flows. Imperfection is becoming a magnifying glass for humility and profound gratitude. Weakness is regarded as opportunity to see God's strength take center stage and take care of me.
While scrolling through online dating profiles, I feel a new confidence. I am not afraid of getting it wrong. Most of all, I don't feel like I need to convince myself of my worth by subconsciously gravitating to someone unavailable or defensive. My intuition is spot on. Even if I'm the only one who sees what I see, I can trust in my God-given gifts of discernment and wisdom. I've also learned that I don't have to rush in making a decision. I can take my time and allow the truth to be revealed. My last relationship taught me that a man who wants a relationship with you will make sure you know it, in word and in action. I can trust that.
I can trust in my attractiveness. I know and accept who I am with utmost respect and admiration. I no longer feel I have to change my wardrobe, my makeup, my hair or change my behavior, morphing into some sexy, energetic, recreational something that I cannot sustain. I even put a current picture of myself on the site. There are lines in my forehead and gray in my hair and I couldn't be more proud. With 2011, God has given me trust for the journey.
