I Love Martha Beck

Ever since I read the book, Finding Your North Star, I have loved Martha Beck.  If you don’t know her, she is the go-to  author and life coach to Oprah Winfrey.  There is just something whimsical and unburdening about Martha that strikes a chord with me.  I recollect it was in her book that I read about my soul wanting to dance.  She talks about the time she had minor surgery.  Beseiged with post-op pain, she sought some type of effective pain management.  In her conversation with the nurse, she got what she felt was the best advice she could have received.  The nurse said, “You’re supposed to avoid stress and get lots of rest.But if your soul wants to dance, staying in bed is stressful, and dancing is restful.”  I was staring out my window, feeling that mouse in the corner cautiousness.  Oh how I longed to expand, to breath, to dance.   Her words gave me permission. 

Her words spoke to my weirdness.  "You feel one way but do the exact opposite,”  my relationship coach pointed out to me in response to my sharing with her what a guest speaker told potential camp leaders for The Encouraging Place's Summer Camp for Women.  In essence, I don’t let anxious feelings dictate my life.   I might feel like retreating to my home, closing the blinds and putting up a “do not disturb” sign on the door knob.   Instead, I get dressed and go volunteer.  Whenever I’m going through that struggle between what my soul wants and what I’ve been conditioned to do, Martha's words remind me that choosing my soul is the right thing to do.   

Her words silence the taunting of anxious thoughts.  Despite going with my gut, I’ve seldom felt peace about my decisions.  If everything goes hunky-dory, I pat myself on the back and say I made the right decision.  At the same time, if I'm met with challenge, my thoughts harp all over me.  Not a good spot to be in.  Martha would say that my social self and essential self are at war.  Before that, I would sabottage my own progress.  I see that confused look.  What the heck is a social self and an essential self, you're thinking.  Martha differentiates them in her book but here’s my take.  Your social self is the self that is socially conscious, socially savvy and socially motivated.  The essential self isn’t.  It’s not necessarily politically correct.  Much to the contrary, it pretty darn controversial. Nevertheless, it’s what you need to feel whole.  It’s the meaningful self.  It’s as unique as your fingerprint and cannot be dictated by anybody. 

The essential self can be suppressed or overwhelmed by the social self or the essential self and social self can work together harmoniously.  Folks who are happiest are those folks whose selves  agree to “play on the same team.” In many ways, your essential self is the call. Your social self is the response.   Say, your essential self needs to rest.  Your social self can turn off the TV and go to bed or it can choose to pull an all-night cram session for your final exam.  With Martha’s insights, I’m gaining understanding needed to stop my social self from ignoring or bullying my essential self. 

Her words affirm what I already know:  my essential self is fueled by my authenticity.  Even when I was flip-flopping between two opinions, my body always knew the difference.  It spoke its truth through that queasy feeling or resistance when I was about to do something I didn't want to do or be around somebody I didn't want to be around.  Because I've learned to respect those visceral reactions, I don't force people to assume any role they aren’t comfortable with.  To impose my will in that way, in my opinion is abuse.  I will be leading a Woman’s Camp come Monday.  Rather than my co-leader and I assuming roles that are contrary to our essential selves, we are choosing to play to our strengths.  As a result, she feels excited.    So do I.


I can't say that I've fully surrendered my control tendencies.  My social self still hunches my essential self to provoke a fight.  What can I say, I'm a work in progress.  But I am making progress...I sense it...I see it... I feel it.  A calmness is settling over me that I gotta admit is pretty cool.  For this, I credit God who is leading me.  And Martha Beck, whose words are soothing me.  I love Martha Beck.  

Two Fish, Five Loaves

Just saying two fish and five loaves brings“the feeding of the 5000" to mind.  It seems almost laughable that a little boy’s lunch would even remotely be enough to feed such a massive crowd, but when his disciples informed Jesus of what the boy had, he said to bring it to him.  I’m sure they gave Jesus one of those sideways puzzled looks as they walked up to the young lad.  Doubtful that it would be enough, I imagine they watched, probably feeling a little embarrassed.   I don’t know if it was even noticeable at first.  I imagine Jesus took the fish and bread in his hands, thanked God for providing more than enough, broke the fish in two, broke the bread in two and passed it to the disciples who in turn passed it to the next person and so on and so on.  Maybe they were so busy passing the halves to the hungry men, women and children that they didn’t notice that fish and bread kept coming down the line.  I don’t know how it happened, when it happened or when somebody noticed it but the Bible says that it was enough.  More than enough, in fact, for when they took up the leftovers they had twelve baskets full. 

I don’t know what God is up to in my life.  I've shared my experiences with people who think they got it figured out.  God is doing this or that they tell me.   I've learned to be kind to people but not trust their knee jerk assessments of what God is doing in my life.  All I know is that this familiar account of the two fish and five loaves came out of nowhere as I anticipated the decrease of my part-time hours from 24 hours a week to 12 hours a week.  How can I be expected to survive off that?, I pondered.  Like a ticker tape, my bills and obligations and putting gas in my car and groceries were scrolling in my mind.     

I know that for so many Americans making it from one day to the next is a struggle.  They see an unstable economy and hear reports of people losing jobs or folks that simply have stopped applying for unemployment.  They worry about how they're going to feed their families, keep a roof over their heads and get to and from this place and that.  I myself have been shocked and awed by friends who have shared with me that they've been homeless, severed from jobs they’ve worked for 30+ years, unemployed for years and even some have had to move back in with parents.  Just like in the Bible days, seems like famine is all around.  Newsflash, being a Christian doesn’t make us immune from mishaps. 

I don't know about you, but I get bent all out of shape when something I didn't anticipate happens.  Could it be that I have a control problem?  Could be.  Nevertheless, with the two fish five loaves recollection came a higher truth.  Truthfully speaking, my 12 hour workweeks are of no consequence to God.  He is not alarmed or moved by that. " Aren't you concerned?," the disciples asked when the winds and waves were beating the sides of their boat.  How could he be asleep when the boat was filling with water and their very lives were threatened?  There is one answer to this:  He is I am.  And in his I am-ness, he commanded the winds and the waves to cease. "Peace.  Be still.," I am said.  

He is that, He is.  In a previous blog, I shared how worrying is a waste of time.  It truly is.  One, by worrying, you cannot change one thing.  It doesn't stop anything from happening.  And two, just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. 

Take the wind for example.  No one has ever seen the wind.  We feel it brush up against our skin.  We hear the whistle when it’s blowing between buildings.  We see trees, blades of grass and loose pieces of debris being tossed around by it.  Nevertheless, nobody has actually seen it.  Still, it exists. 

I have to revisit my example about the cup of water.  That was a true aha moment for me.  To a person who isn’t aware of indoor plumbing and how that all works, once their cup of water is gone, there is no more.  I can imagine that person panicking with each rationed sip of water as he looks around and sees no water.  Just look around your house.  Walk around.  There is no pond in the house.  No well in the house.  Nothing but just carpet, hardwoods, linoleum, ceramic tile, walls, ceilings, appliances and fixtures.  You might have pitchers, buckets, bowls, tubs, sinks but by all appearances there is absolutely no water.  NO WATER?!  Then how am I gonna live?, he might lament.  Imagine his stress.  Imagine his fear. 

I believe that those of us who grew up with a scarcity mentality are like that person.  We fret when we look in our bank accounts and don’t see enough zeroes.  We panic when we’re handed a pink slip and told that the company is downsizing.  We spend most of our lives at jobs we hate, working insane hours because we fear the alternative.  In secret, we beg God to rescue us, to help us, to provide for us, to meet our needs, to not let us die as if His provision is way up in Heaven somewhere or is nonexistent just because we don’t see it. 

I’m learning that the times of lack I’ve experienced or feared have been grossly misinterpreted.  Watching my parents work hard and hearing my dad say that “man will have to work by the sweat of his brow” taught me that provision was difficult to come by.   If you didn't work hard for every single dime, you'd have nothing.  That’s not true.  To a person who truly believes in God, or better, believes that He is faithful to them, that cannot be true.   Even a person who believes in his own value, knows that he will outlast whatever difficulties come his way.  We work, most definitely.  But it's not because we fear not having our needs met.  We work because we want to be productive.  We work because we have gifts, talents and skills that need to be expressed.  For some, work and income are a package deal.  For others, work and money are from separate streams.

Are we exempt from down times, suffering or bitter Winters?  No.  Everybody has down times, everybody suffers at one time or another, everyone is subject to bitter Winters.  That happens to the rich, the poor, the Black, the White, the person of faith, the agnostic.  What’s different is how we perceive it.  It comes down to what we believe.  I feel my beliefs changing.  I’m beginning to put two and two together.  Every single thing that happens in my life is purposeful else it would not happen.  There’s a purpose to employment.  There’s a purpose to unemployment.  There's purpose in taking the right road.  There is purpose in taking the wrong road.  There is purpose to succeeding.  There is purpose in failing. There’s a purpose to being full. There’s a purpose to being empty. There is purpose to the Prodigal Son squandering all his inheritance.  There is purpose to the son who remained faithful all the while.
  
This season is challenging the scarcity mentality that has stayed stuck to me like gum underneath my shoe for most of these 52 years.  Faith is arguing against that type of fatalism.  Working 12 hours per week doesn’t guarantee hunger, thirst, unpaid bills, untreated illnesses or lack in any way, it argues.  As long as there is a faucet in my house attached to the water line, there is no reason to fear being thirst. 

I have a good friend whom I was blessed to reconnect with.  She and I were BFFs in college yet life has taken us down different paths.  She has not been employed since she had a major medical procedure with a recuperation that exceeded what her job allowed.  Has she been without?  No.  She shared story after story of how God more than met her needs, some even before she even asked.  Is she special somehow?  No.  She is a person just like me.  She is a person just like you.  She’s just discovered the faithfulness of her invisible Source.  She knows that abundance is not determined by what she sees, but who she knows. 

To be honest, I've been resisting hearing her stories.  I'm not her, I've thought.  I don't want to not work.  I cannot be content to not work.  Despite this, still another college chum with a similar testimony has come into my life.  Another one!  She too has been unemployed for some time.  She is committed to not accepting anything less than God's best for her.   I've resisted some things she's said also because I've not wanted to consider anything other than gainful employment - SOON! 

I realize that fear has been distorting their message.  It is not one of laziness or indifference, it's a message of God's faithfulness.  When you have experienced God's faithfulness, you pray different.  When you've experienced his faithfulness, you see life different.  Instead of begging for provision, you start blessing what God has provided.  You start declaring that it is more than enough.  You eat without fear of hunger.  You drink without fear of thirst.  Something deep within is changing.  A knowing is replacing the fear that once left me tormented.  I'm beginning to expect God to be faithful.  I'm beginning to feel gratitude for God's provision regardless of how it looks.  Somewhere deep within me, I know what is happening.  God is blessing and breaking the two fish and five loaves of my life.   

The Sun Rises Every Morning

The Sun rises every morning.  Doesn't matter if you can't see it because of clouds, blurry conditions or bad eyesight, this never changes.  Despite this, there are other factors at work that are just as natural.  Atmospheric conditions produce clouds, rain, severe weather and yes, natural disasters.  If you don’t know that this is a part of nature, you’ll panic and worry if the Sun will ever return.  If there will ever be blue skies again.  If the adverse winds will ever cease.  I can imagine early mankind was afraid of these things until he learned better.  There is a Law of Nature. 

Early man must have stopped running for a moment to notice a pattern, a Law if you will.  He observed the animals, the ocean, the trees and the sky.  He learned that there were signs, rhythms and seasons to things.  Day and night, Sunrise and Sunset were a certainty—unless he lived in Alaska...lol  When the wind would shift, birds would fly overhead and dark clouds would gather hiding the Sun, I’m sure he scratched his head totally confused.  I can imagine he came home to his mate and told her how the clouds ate the Sun that day.  Until he lingered long enough to discover that the Sun was not eaten at all, I can imagine his fear.  With time and observation, he realized the Sun was shining brightly all the time. Clouds were simply blocking it.   

This season in my life has caused a resurgence of anxiety and panic.  The feelings of well-being are being overwhelmed by what-if's.  What if I don’t have enough of this or that.  And if I have enough for right now, what about next week, next month, next year?  To be honest, I have always struggled with an out-of-sorts all-encompassing feeling.  Mom called it “nerves.”  The DSM-IV (dictionary of mental disorders) calls it an anxiety. 

Wikipedia says that anxiety covers four aspects of experiences:  mental apprehension, physical tension, physical symptoms and dissociative anxiety.  If any of those descriptors make you curious, you can google anxiety disorder and read more about them.  My takeaway is it is quite human to worry from time to time.  A disorder exists however when anxiety is chronic or obsessive.  The disorder can manifest as generalized anxiety disorder, phobic disorder and panic disorder.  I have had to face how fear of lack has been a constant struggle to my experience of life.   I don’t know what happened in my childhood or what organic factors contributed to my nervous predisposition.   It is an up and down struggle though.    

I volunteer at WakeMed Hospital in the children’s ward.  Last week, while talking with a hospital worker, a blue light started whirring overhead and emitted an odd sound.  I had not heard it before.  It wasn’t a siren so I knew I didn’t need to leave the premises, but it was some type of alarm.  Pretty soon a security officer came walking briskly up the hallway.  She said that what we were hearing was an alert that somebody might be trying to steal a child.  Not only was there an alarm but exit doors locked, elevators couldn’t be used and other unseen safety guards were activated thereby preventing that person or child from getting out of the hospital.  An anxiety disorder happens much the same way.  You feel alarmed by something and every action you take is in proportion to the intensity of the alarm.

In the midst of all this, I have had two aha moments.  One, I am not the anxiety.  Two, there is a Law that supersedes all other laws. 

Anxious is how I feel, it is not who I am.  I may feel afraid, but I am not afraid.  I am who I am when I feel peaceful, secure and loving.  That's who I am.  I am full of gratitude.  I am awed by God’s provision in my life.  I am observing a stronger me emerging out of the chaos.  I am resourceful, smart, creative and courageous.  I am clear about what I want and why I’m doing what I am doing.  I am committed to showing up for that regardless to flashes of lightning and ear-splitting thunder. I am authentic and allow that to guide my decisions.  This is the Sun that is peeking out from behind blurrying clouds and adverse conditions. 

It is true that there are natural laws.  The Sun rises and sets every single day.  You can count on it.  Just the same, there is a Law that trumps that law.  I call it the Law of Purpose.  The Bible is filled with stories or metaphoric illustrations of that Law in action.  In the book of Joshua there is an account of the day the sun stood still.  In the New Testament, Peter bids Jesus to invite him to walk on water.  Though some would argue that this is absolutely ludicrous, you cannot discount that there are constantly emerging realities that to-this-day defy all reason.   The Law of Aerodynamics says that a bumblebee should not be able to fly.  But it does. 

Purpose creates a way where there is none.  Even two fish and five loaves blessed by Purpose can feed 5000 with baskets full of leftovers.  Ask J. K. Rowling, the brilliant mind behind the Harry Potter books or Cordia Harrington, a multimillionaire who went from rags to riches by investing $587 into an idea.  Both had some challenges, true, but a Greater Consciousness was definitely at work in their lives.   

In the final analysis, the biggest aha is there is no need for fear.  It is a useless waste of time, energy and spirit.  Bishop Jakes said once, “you’ll wreck your car swatting at gnats.”  Gnats are small details that you don’t plan for but can frustrate the heck out of you.  You might simply open your windows to let the sunshine and gentle breeze blow through and find gnats swirling around your head:  getting all in your face when you try to eat or buzzing in your ears when you try to watch TV.  With all our preparation and calculations, gnats do come.  What I now realize is that it is a disorder to focus more on the gnats than on the journey.

Gnats are not to be feared, they are to be managed.  This is the bedrock for opportunity.  Opportunities for raised awareness, for digging deeper, for expansion, for solution.  Just as it would be futile to pray away an ocean, it is futile to pray that gnats stop existing.  Maybe the prayer should be, “God, show me the solution."  Then our job becomes looking and listening. Purpose will reveal the answer.  Purpose will reveal what is needed to erradicate or to overcome every obstacle.      

I don’t know where my “nerves” came from.  I don’t have to know.  All I need to know is God is.  So, I can allow doubt and fear to run amok or I can open my mind to a boundless supply and ideas.  He is driving this vehicle called my life.  Attraversiamo….let’s cross over!

I AM The Vision

I expected to hear back from two job interviews by Friday.  Didn’t happen. Consequently, I've felt kinda off, if you know what I mean. You know that off you feel when underneath your smile and your functioning, there is an inward heaviness, a weighted sigh.  I hate it when I feel like that.

Anywho, I turned on TV this morning in hopes of getting some inspiration from OWN's Super Soul Sunday. Arggggggghhhhhhhh, not the Dr. Phil House! I don’t know about you, but I hate the Dr. Phil house. The issues are soooo intense. But you know how we do, I kept it on for the noise factor and watched it halfheartedly until it was over. He did say something that I had to text to my boyfriend for further texted discussion...lol. Dr. Phil said, “if you have to give up who you are as an individual to be part of a couple, you have to ask yourself if that’s too much.” He was talking with couples anticipating marriage and some of the the struggles they were having in their relationships.  Now, some of my strong-minded, independent, got-to-have-it-my-way sisters might unite in a hearty, “that’s right!” Then one adds, “That’s why I left Boo-Boo! He wanted me to stay home with him. He ain’t gonna control me like that,” she says rocking her neck back and forth much to the affirming nods of her girlfriends. But before you burst into a chorus of Beyonce’s Single Ladies, I have to say “control” is such an ugly, oft overused word. Could it be that you are taking his actions out of context? I mean after all, the brother might just want to spend some quality time with you. And excuse my terrible grammar here but if your girlfriends ain’t got no man, I’d be a little suspect of their advice or affirmations. I’m just saying. Anyway, I digress. Back to Super Soul Sunday.

Once Dr. Phil ended, there was a behind the scenes of Oprah’s Lifeclass with Iyanla Vanzant and Tony Robbins. Yay!!  When I saw Iyanla on stage with a microphone in her hand, I knew something lifechanging was about to happen. She did her introductions, of course, but then she said one word that made pings go off inside and shake every heavy feeling and weighted sigh inside of me. That word was VISION. “That word saved my life,” she said to her enthralled listeners—me, being one of them.

“Vision is what moves you forward.”  When Iyanla said this, “without a vision, the people perish” was the first thought that came to my mind. This quote from The Bible, I’ve heard all my life. Most times, it was associated with getting behind the preachers vision. Today however held a different meaning. Without a vision, you stay stuck in what is familiar. There is nothing more uncomfortable than trying to get into jeans that once fit but now, oh Lord. The more your hips and thighs mature, the more acrobatics are required just to pull them up. Don’t even think about buttoning them. I swear the button might fly off and put out somebody’s eye!  Staying stuck in the familiar has similar consequences.

During Iyanla's most trying and difficult moments, it was the vision that rose from within her belly that got her through. She had a vision that was greater than where she was at in her life, true; still, God’s vision for her was bigger than she could have ever dreamed for herself. I tell you, that gurl was talking directly to me.

She said that it takes courage to stand in your vision. God knows that’s the truth. When what you feel in your core is all you got and nothing around you looks even remotely like you’re right, it’s a scary thing. When the well-wishers you had early on, pack up their “you-go-girl’s” and move across to the other side of the street and you’re left alone with what appears to be diminishing all around you, it is tougher than tough, tough, tough. This is why it is important for you to nurture your vision. Iyanla gave three ways--four, to my thinking.

First she said you must affirm your vision every day. I am, is the way you do it. I am is a powerful descriptor. I am aligns you with the Divine Consciousness of who you truly are. She used the example of people who say, “I am broke.” Think about the power of that for a moment.  Think about the fact that folks who complain about being broke are….well...always broke. It goes back to changing the way we tell our story.  I've had to consider that I’ve been saying, “I am unemployed.” Just saying that makes me feel bad. Unemployed implies jobless, unfruitful, unproductive. Unemployed brings up images of poverty, lack, despair. It says I’m lacking the skills that would make someone want to hire me. None of that is true. Truth is I am employable.  I have chosen to honor my growth and transition to an exciting and fulfilling career. That’s the truth. Rather than continuing to squeeze my expanded frame--okay, my big ole butt--into those skinny jeans, I decided ENOUGH already. Instead, I am shopping at different stores, trying on different pairs to find a custom fit. I don’t know what law of nature, law of physics, law of dynamics it is. All I know is if I keep looking, I will find what I am looking for.

Secondly, she said “never judge your clarity on how other people respond.” In short, your vision is not any greater or any less by what people think of it. Don’t let the objections, the baffled looks, the eye-roll, the sighs you hear when you tell just one more person you aren't working yet or the crickets and frogs being the only sound you hear affect your judgment.

Iyanla took her grandchild to the eye doctor for an eye exam. She had found a coupon where you could get two eye exams for the price of one, so she decided to get her eyes examined too. The doctor asked her about her glasses. She said she didn’t wear glasses. The eye test showed a “diminished visual acuity” that she wasn’t aware of. She thought she was seeing just fine. This, she said is the way we go through life. We think we’re seeing just fine but many of us are only seeing with a percentage of clarity. I know this sounds like I’m using the wrong example given that I just said not to judge your vision by what others think. I’m not though. The doctor is a professional. The God of your vision and my vision is a professional. He is the one who sees your vision most clearly. He’s the one whom you should listen to against all odds.

To me, number three in her three ways of nurturing your vision was don’t wait for the how before you move towards your vision. So many times, people will not move because they don’t see how it’s all going to work. I myself am guilty of this very thing. Iyanla says sometimes you have to walk blindly.  I think of Tyra Banks. She was tall and gangly in elementary school on up to high school. She had a wide forehead, receding hairline and dark circles underneath her eyes. On top of that she was a Black woman. All qualities that were considered unattractive by those around her and society at large. Now just think about this. This gurl opts to pursue modeling of all things. Modeling!  She even declines college to chase something that she seemed like the worst fit for.  But look, now some twenty years later, she is heralded as one of the most successful and influential models of our day. She was a trendsetter. She reset the bar. She expanded the definition of beautiful. And all that gave birth to America’s Next Top Model. Nothing like that had ever been done on TV. It opened the door for Project Runway and other fashion industry type reality shows.  It brought a greater level of respect to the industry.  Most of all, it took the limits off modeling as we know it. One vision. One person.  One God whose vision for her was bigger than the one she had for herself.

“Instead of begging God for direction, listen for instructions,” was the I-said-all-this-to-say moment of Iyanla's address. “Be still…and listen,” she said. When she said this, I understood where my progression had brought me. I had taken the physical leap with a destination in mind; but my journey has been about so much more. I saw myself one way back in February but now, that’s all changed. Throughout the peaks and valleys, the gains and the losses, the sunshine and the rain, from declaring to becoming, my vision has not waned. In fact, it's gotten louder.  I no longer see it as something I'm reaching for or destined for. I see it as a reflection of who I am.  I and the vision are one.  I am the vision.

When that happens, you stop begging God as if you’re asking for something that is way out there somewhere. You begin to check in with your core. That’s the listening. You pay attention to what it’s saying. The stillness doesn’t mean you stop moving no more than listening means you stop asking. It simply means that the chaos of your own insecurities and fears is secondary. Fear doesn't push you into wasted busyness to keep you from being still and to keep you from listening. You stop allowing it to take center stage. You hear it yes, but you press in to hear deeper and that is what you pray. This moves from hoping, past believing and into knowing. A knowing that your vision isn’t born out of escapism but born out of the still small voice of your purpose. I see progress. I and the vision are becoming one.

Lest you should think that's the end of it, the operative word is becoming. I’m not all there yet. Some days are better than others. One day, spooked by the latest bill or alarming situation, I feel that desperate need to get a job, any job. That’s when I frantically search the online job postings and consider applying for that data entry job or that multi-line answering receptionist job. Other days aren’t so alarming. I observe my approaches to problems and advice to others and pause to recognize that I am a manager. I am a coach. I am a person who helps others become their best. I am an encourager.  I am gifted in giving wise counsel. So you see, I can identify with Clark Kent, the understated wannabe news reporter whose eyeglasses are crooked and who stutters when he speaks. To all who know him, this is who he is.  However, he’s hiding a secret. He is Superman.  This, he hides and minimizes deeming fitting in as more important until he discovers that his purpose serves something Greater.  The journey he took to find answers to the why’s that have tormented him is understated but is the most powerful part.  Understanding his authentic soul and its value, I often found it curious that he didn't get rid of Clark Kent. I think I understand it better now.  He is Clark Kent and he is Superman.  They aren't two, they are one in the same.  When Clark Kent allows you to have a human experience but no longer limits you or defines you, you're okay. All this lets me know that there is a Divine mind who is bringing my past and my present in alignment for something Greater.  I am the Vision.