NECESSITY

Ever so often, I have to change it up a bit. Grow my hair. Cut my hair. A little makeup. A more glam look. The natural laid-back me. The passion for fashion diva. Sometimes it’s an impulse to take a different route to work or grab a bite at a bistro rather than eat my bag lunch. Or like last night, rather than spend my entire Friday indoors and retire early, I accepted an invite to watch Eat Pray Love with my Raleigh family. I’m tired as a mug but have a big smile on my face!

Someone asked Jane Fonda, now 73, how she has made it in an industry that frowns upon aging. “I’m the queen of reinvention,” she said. Or maybe that was how Oprah touted her. I’m not saying that she hasn’t used cosmetic surgery--a nip here and a tuck there--over her seven decades of life. But a new face doesn’t give you a sparkle in your eyes and a spring in your steps. Take Vickie Winans for example. She was a guest at Women’s Empowerment some two or three years ago. What struck me most wasn’t her signature swinging ponytail or her amazing vocal range. I had come to expect nothing less from Vickie. Rather, it was how she pranced up and down those steps leading up to the stage with the youthful abandonment of a teenager. How was she able to do that?!  Brought to mind Betty White’s response when she was asked how she remained so vibrant in her 80’s. “I have stairs and I’m very forgetful,” she said with a chuckle.

Necessity is the mother of invention. I can’t recall who said that but I think we’ve all heard it at some time or other. I watched Liz's flashbacks of the progression of discomfort.  The lifestyle of passivity she had adopted.  There was no joy, no taste, no passion.  She had ignored the whispers and the shouts.  And now a brick had hit her up side the head.  A divorce.  It was now necessary to heal her broken life.  I know that Eat Pray Love is just a movie. But the role of necessity in reclaiming us, growing us and reinventing us masterfully plays out in the journey of one woman. 

In my youth, I think most change or reinvention, as it were, was inspired by vanity. I wanted to look, live or act a certain way to appeal to a certain group.  After my divorce, however, vanity took a back seat to survival.  My shopping sprees were no more as survival and providing for my son took center stage.  With age has come a shift in priorities, that's for sure.  It’s not just about painting the outside for curb appeal but understanding that if there are termites, faulty wiring or leaky pipes, no one cares about how cute the house is.

If it’s toning your body, forging a new career pathway or updating your wardrobe, necessity is the drive behind it. Project Runway mentor, Tim Gunn, who celebrated his 58th birthday yesterday, attributes his youthfulness to a zest for life. In an interview, he said he approaches life with a sense of wonder and excitement. He, who describes his youth as introverted and geeky, went from shy and isolated to teaching.  And from teaching to becoming a style icon on a hit reality show. I don't know what inspired him but I'd bet it was to meet some type of need. 

Over the past few days, I've blogged about my struggle with a sore throat, most likely caused by acid reflux.  It's been a beast!  Nevertheless, I have to say that it's also been a gift.  The intensity of the discomfort necessitated that I do something I had not done before. Try something I had not tried before.  Nexium was no longer working.  Raising the head of my bed or eating more leafy vegetables wasn't enough.  Not eating after 7pm and exercising brought no sustainable relief. I had to reach outside of the box and invite spiritual guidance as I sought a new path.  As I reflect on the journey, its value has been greater than I could have imagined!

My throat is no longer sore!  Yay!  Just as valuable is the knowledge I've gained.  The benefits of licorice extract, slippery elm and apple cider vinegar not only to addressing my symptoms but to my overall health.  Herbs have been used for hundreds of years yet modern medicine has convinced us to pop a pill. We medicate symptoms and leave issues unresolved.  We pay for convenience rather than adopting more healthy alternatives.  Remedies are as close as our kitchen cabinets and we don't even know it.  We spend hundreds of dollars in prescription medications when a bottle of vinegar, aloe vera juice or a 20 minute walk could bring relief.  I have been forever changed by this experience.

Now, I'm ready to reinvent my environment. Sooooooo what's it gonna be?  The loft or my closet?

Getting Better

After reading more about licorice extract, I'm going to have to be more judicious in how much I use it.  Prolonged use can cause raised blood pressure or renal issues.  For this reason, it's recommended that usage is spaced out or if you use it daily to take a break from it once a month.  I have noticed that I'm having increased headaches.  I don't know what it's from.  In my reading, some people complained of headaches with licorice extract use.  I've been taking 500 mg prescription strength DGL licorice extract every night.  That stuff does work very well.  I am reflux free for an average 6 hours, allowing me to get a good night sleep.  However, tonight, I'm taking some slippery elm bark and drinking some apple cider vinegar. We'll see how that works.  If my headaches decrease, then I'll know that I might need a lesser strength of the licorice extract.  Moreover, if what I try tonight works, I might have an overall healthier alternative. 

Well, I'm experimenting to get the right regimen and dosage.  It takes time.  At least my throat has stopped hurting.  Thank God! 

The Wonders of Vinegar

Oh the wonders of apple cider vinegar. Today has been so much better. I made a vinegar drink with a capful of vinegar to a cup of warm water. Because it is a tad challenging to drink such a bitter drink, I added a little maple syrup to it. 100% maple syrup, of course. I’ve been sipping on it throughout the day. Would you believe I found a small jar previously filled with mayonnaise that I saved and I put my vinegar drink in it? Yep, I did. I filled it and screwed on the lid. It fit pretty well in the corner of my pocketbook. I haven’t taken any of the other supplements today. Just sippin on the vinegar drink whenever I felt phlegm or throat pain. While sitting here now, I can honestly say that my throat doesn’t hurt as badly as it’s been. Thank goodness!

One thing, I’ve noticed though. When I sip on it on an empty stomach, I get a headache. I don’t know why. I’ve pondered whether it may be my pressure. Can your pressure go up from drinking vinegar? Hum, I’m not sure. Doesn’t bother me if I sip on it on a full stomach. Or if I eat something once I feel that headachiness. I just don’t want to be causing some weirdness that will threaten my progress. I’ll have to read up on this to see what might be happening.

Because I got home late and ate two chicken sandwiches -- I was hungry, don't judge me -- I decided to get some exercise in. While talking to Carm, I walked in place at a fast pace. Despite what we were talking about, I kept a steady gait. By the time I asked him how long it had been, 30 minutes had passed and I was about out of breath. I’ve found that I have to exercise after eating especially since I have a desk job. Too much sitting doesn’t help reflux. So, neither rain, nor 100 degree temperatures or dark of night, will hinder me from my exercise plight. Tee hee. That was corny!

Well, I’m gonna gargle with some more salt water. Take some licorice extract for a good night’s sleep. I’m going to also set my cup of vinegar drink on my night stand. This morning at about 5:45am, I awakened to some acid reflux. I felt it come up and start burning my throat. However, I know that if I drink a couple of sips of the vinegar drink, it settles things.  I guess one could say I’m limping along until my GI appointment on Wednesday. My hope is that he will check my throat and even take a culture to rule out strep or yeast or some type of bacterial issue. Then I want to schedule an Upper GI Endoscopy. I need to make sure there has been no damage in a year’s time. I think that’s important.

The journey continues. Tomorrow, I’m going to call the alternative medicine practice in Carrboro that Carm texted me. Someone to monitor all these vitamins and supplements and concoctions is important, I think, to ensure effectiveness. Well, here’s to taking it step by step to wholeness and healing. Later!

Step By Step

Since I last wrote, I’ve been busy reading everything I can about digestive health, GERD and various alternatives to prescription medications. It’s been kind of overwhelming to read. One person swears by eating mustard to stop reflux. Another talks of the wonders of apple cider vinegar. Still another says if you hop on one foot for 1 minute, it’ll absolutely relieve the symptoms. Okay, okay, I’m just kidding. I couldn’t resist.

In the meantime I’ve continued to keep a food journal and exercise. What I have learned is that cranberry juice burns my throat. I drank some with breakfast yesterday and immediately felt the discomfort. I don’t know why I didn’t remember that cranberry juice has always burned my throat. Duh! My exercise has been jogging or walking in place for 20-30 minutes indoors. The temperatures have been in the 100’s outside so I’ve had to get creative with my exercise.

Not only am I evaluating the foods I eat, but how my burning throat is reacting to various remedies I’ve read about as well. Matter of fact, on yesterday evening, I bought some Bragg’s Raw Apple Cider Vinegar. Reading of the benefits of apple cider vinegar, I decided to give it a try. There is a distinction though. The kind that should be used should have sediment at the bottom of the bottle. I didn’t know that. I’m glad I didn’t use the regular vinegar. What differs from website to website is the amount of vinegar you should add to an 8 ounce glass of water. Some say 2-3 tablespoons while others say 2-3 teaspoons. Last night, I decided to use the mixture as a gargle. Immediately I realized that it had to be the teaspoon cause it burned like crazy.  Ouch!!! I had to gargle with warm water to douce that flame. Note to self: neither vinegar or hydrogen peroxide gargles seem to benefit me. I think I’ll stick with warm salt water.

Nutrition has also been subject to evaluation. I’ve upped my fruits and vegetables, eating smaller meals multiple times a day. This way, my stomach doesn’t get overloaded. At the same time, I’ve noticed that my throat tends to burn if I wait too long in between meals. So, I tend to snack on fruits in between. Though I love, love, love Cajun shrimp from the local vendor who sells grilled foods from underneath his tent, I’ve not purchased one thing from him. Not even gone to Carolina Barbecue for their slap-yo-momma good barbeque chicken. Not nairy a spicy, barbecued or heavy-on-the-pepper piece of food has entered my mouth since I decided to relieve this sensation in my throat.

I’ve also worn pants or shorts that don’t fit tightly around my mid-section. I read that this can contribute to reflux. I’ve also not worn shirts with a tight-band shelf bra. The pressure can exacerbate the reflux if it’s too tight.

While sitting here typing this blog, it's starting to burn again.  Darn!  I just finished eating a salad but it had honey mustard dressing on it. I’m wondering if the dressing might be the problem.  I dunno. I think I need to eat some cooked food and see how that helps. It's all about a well-balanced diet too.  Balancing those fruits, vegetables, protein and good carbs.  Also getting that balance between not eating too heavy and not eating too little has to be managed.

I’m back. Took a break to eat. I figured I needed something cooked this time. Roasted chicken, cabbage and a slice of whole grain bread. I was so tempted to get more but decided to eat some fresh cherries instead. Sidebar: I wonder if this yucky taste I have at the back of my throat is from the vinegar or whether it’s from the 2 Slippery Elm supplements I took before breakfast. When I took those capsules, I noticed a sensation from my throat to my intestines. I could feel it working. It’s suppose to soothe irritated or inflamed tissues. I certainly hope so. Regardless, I felt relief for a while.  I know I'm shifting from one thing to another...lol.  I feel all over the place right now.

Well, this burn and metallic taste is going nowhere so I think a warm salt water gargle is in order. As with anything, I guess I’ll have to figure out what to take and when. That’s why I want to consult with a nutritionist or alternative medicine doctor or nurse practitioner. In the meantime, I believe that by being focused on my health, I’m creating an energy that will bring answers to me. I’m creating a buzz in the Heavenlies so it’s only a matter of time before wisdom comes. You see, I believe that knowledge about my condition is only one step. The next step is how to apply that knowledge. That is wisdom. I lack both but I believe the scripture that says, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not (will not find fault, will not rebuke you, without an unkind word); and it shall be given him.”

Please know that I’m not doubting God’s ability to heal my condition Divinely. I know that He can. With one sweep of his hand or just a mere thought, the burning, the reflux, the journey would be over. At the same time, I have come to understand that if He doesn’t, it’s not because he can’t or he won’t, neither is it because I’ve done something wrong. It’s for my growth. I will learn something about Him, about myself and/or this experience will enable me to help someone else. Sooooo I submit to this journey confident in a God who sees, who knows and who cares. Later!

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Burning Throat

“Could be reflux, true. But it could also be allergies.” This peaked my curiosity as I listened to the sales person at Vitamin Shoppe tell me of his experiences. You see, I ran out of the house on a mission to find Licorice Extract (DGL) as an herbal alternative to treat what I assumed was a burning throat caused by acid reflux.


Earlier, I was overwhelmed by the intensity of my burning throat and sinus congestion. This had been going on for days, off and on for months now, and I was sick and tired of it. I cried, I paced, I prayed. I cried some more. I paced some more. I prayed with an intensity that only those who are fed up with their situation do. “God, pleeeeeease help me. I’m not getting no better. Please don’t let this be cancer. Please don’t let me not be able to sing again.” The pleading and crying went on and on until my Wise Self took over.

I could spend my time pleading or I could consider that the God I was pleading with had been there through some tough times. Some I-can’t-take-no-more days. In retrospect, there wasn’t a time when I prayed that He didn’t hear me. Sometimes that’s the only assurance you get in the moment – that God hears you. You don’t know what His answer will be, but you know that He sees, He knows, He cares.  In life, in death, He shows up. In sickness, in health, He shows up. In sorry, in joy, He shows up. He’s healed me from the inside so much and so until my environment has been transformed. I am walking at a level of consciousness and liberty that is a miracle even to me.  So why wouldn’t He hear me?  Heal me? Help me? He'd done it before so of course He will.  With all He had done, it wouldn't make sense for Him to allow me to be unhealthy when I am prospering emotionally, have a fulfilling romantic relationship, have a job with the flexibility and autonomy that I need, and live in a larger place that makes room for me.  So I stopped wailing.  I could sit here feeling sorry for myself , wait for my doctor's visit or be proactive about my own health.

Licorice extract. Hummmm, I thought. This might be an answer. You see, I had purchased a magazine some days ago called Natural Health. I hadn’t opened it though. I don’t know if something on the cover caught my attention or what, but I felt inclined.  While flipping through the pages, I came upon an article. It was a compilation of tips from well-known practitioners in the alternative medicine world. Dr. Andrew Weil’s interview peaked my interest. He talked about how there were herbal remedies for many of the maladies that we deal with. He named Licorice extract for reflux. Eureka!!!!!

After leaving the Vitamin Shoppe, I went to the grocery store. I had picked up some nutritional tips from the Dr. Weil's website. Fortunately, what I purchased wasn’t much different from what I’d normally eat. I just knew I had to be more conscious and purposeful in my eating. I had been eating out alot. He advised keeping a food log. Yes, food log to see if there were certain foods that were more bothersome than others.

Yesterday’s food log entry (I am so tempted to say Captain's Log, Star Date July 20, 2011):

Breakfast

A berry smoothie using flavored water, frozen strawberries, fresh blueberries and ice cubes I had made from V8 splash fruit drink. It was pretty good.

Later, I had a bowl of cereal. It was one of those ones in the organic section of the supermarket with all those whole grains they listed on the website as rich in fiber. Instead of dairy, I purchased some Almond Breeze Almond Milk. Who would have thought that Millet and Ama-something would taste this good.

Lunch

Grape chicken salad from Lowe’s Foods. That stuff is the bomb! I had it stuffed in a pita. Drank a green vegetable juice drink from some Go Greens type of powder I got from Vitamin Shoppe. Of course, I used flavored water just in case it tasted horrible. It was okay though. I could drink this regularly, I thought.

Around 3pm, I took a Claritin. I waited for 20-30 minutes for it to kick in. I honestly couldn’t tell much of an immediate difference.  I had less sinus congestion though.

I also gargled with some warm salt water. That actually helped I think more than anything else.

Dinner

Broiled salmon, cabbage, Uncle Ben’s wild and brown rice. Instead of blackening my salmon or using the parsley garlic salt like usual, I decided to just go with a li’l salt and pepper with extra virgin olive oil swizzled on it. When the fish was done, it was a bit bland to me so I livened it up with a couple of shakes of cinnamon and added a little honey. Put it back in the oven for a minute. It was actually quite tasty.

Because I ate around 6:00ish and had pretty much sat on my rump for most of the day working on my computer, I decided to get up and get moving. As I watched So You Think You Can Dance on TV, I jogged in place for about 20-30 minutes. Too hot to go outdoors.  Then I did some resistance stretching, using the stretch band I got from a physical therapist last year when I had hand pain.

Most telling was my sleep last night. Not only did I not awaken to a burning throat but my night sweats were less. I slept really well.  As I type today, I still feel the sensation in my throat so I will still go to a GI doctor and scheduled an Upper GI Endoscopy. I am also going to schedule something with an alternative medicine person recommended by one of my friends. I want to rule out food allergies, hormonal influences from being perimenopausal as well as digestive issues. Something's going on and I want to know what it is.  I also decided to stop taking the Nexium. I can’t see it really helping. I had already taken 13 days of Zegerid prior.  Better results from the Licorice Extract, I think.

Regardless, I know that God will lead me. I want to know what’s going on with my body and address that, not just mask symptoms. Here's to the journey.  Later!

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So Gone

I’m sitting in bed listening to Jill Scott’s latest CD.  “Why does my body ignore what my mind says? I try to keep it intact but I’m here in this bed.  Again.”  Oh, how many of us can identify with those lyrics!

You know me.  The wheels in my brain started whirring.  What does it take for your body to respect what your mind says?  Is it possible or are we just doomed to keep failing.  Are we suckers?  Are we the weaker sex without the ability to resist that “thickness, the kind that make you get up makin biscuits with Breakfast.”  Um-um-um.

I can’t answer that question for you and I ain’t about to start diagnosing.  Everyone has a different emotional G-Spot that renders you brain-dead.  His thickness could be physical.  Or we might find his business savvy really thick.  He might make us laugh.  He might pay attention.  Yep, that was my thick thing.  He might be deeply spiritual, impressed with our devotion to God.  Or ole school, the chivalrous man.  Southern gentleman, the polite type of man.  Many of us get impressed with that.  On the other hand, it could be that it sneaked up on us.  He was just alright until he somehow stumbled on that place.  Something got tripped inside and now we just can’t help ourselves.  He’s on our mind all the time.  We minimize it with our girlfriends but secretly we check our cell phones on the sly.  Adjust the volume.  Check to make sure the ringer’s on.  Everything in us hypersensitive to his every move!

It’s almost romantic.  Don’t know why, but there is a romantic quality in the mystery of it.  The drama of it.  The off-balanced, I can’t get myself together of it.  I don’t know why though.  It’s torture!  I believe that’s what we’ve be conditioned to expect.  We rationalize that this must be love.  He might be the one.  After all, it ain't a good love story without it.  That's what our favorite artist, our Jill Scott, sings about.  The “I can’t help it’s” of love.

I love Jill, no doubt.  Her lyrics are so unapologetic and madd real that they stir the passion deep down.  They are our love story poetically delivered, set to beats that make us sway as our eyes roll back in our heads.  They speak to the depth and feelin of our hunger for love.  The ups and downs of love.  But, and I say but, I don’t feel so good when I hear these lyrics.

These lyrics take me back to a place of defeat, humiliation, guilt and shame.  I failed again.  I told myself I wouldn’t but I did.  I went on a man cleanse but.  I promised I wouldn’t have sex for at least a year but.  I promised God that if he got me out of the last hurt, I’d never ever again but.  I put my hand on my hip, moving my neck and whippin my finger back and forth when I said “hell to the no” but.  Until….

Until I made a conscious decision that my mind was wiser.  Until I realized that I wasn’t the exception.  Until I accepted I wasn’t the woman who’d make a player put up his toys.  I wasn’t the one to change a cheatin man into a family man.  I wasn’t woman enough to change him.  I wasn’t pretty enough.  I wasn’t smart enough.  No matter how cute I looked.  No matter how fly my hair.  No matter how well I learned the game and how well I played it.  No matter how many “how to get him to fall in love with you” books I read.  I was going to be left feelin less because for the umpteenth time, I fell.  I failed.  I got played.  Not just by him, but worst, I played myself. 

Dr. Phil says, “you can’t change what you won’t acknowledge.”  That was the first step for me.  My first step of recovering, if you will.  The second was to establish accountability.  I knew that I wasn’t strong enough, smart enough or stable enough to put my mind before my body.  I needed help.  I needed someone whom I respected to keep me awake.  Awake to those thoughts that kept landing me in compromise.  Awake to my lifestyle that was setting me up for failure.  Awake to that thing, that lack, that need inside that was my lullaby.  I needed someone to help me to stay awake to what I deeply and truly wanted – LOVE.

I am really deeply moved when I watch Extreme Makeover:  Weight Loss Edition on television.  You see beautiful souls imprisoned by something eating away at their insides.  Creating a hunger that they’ve used food to relieve.   Such great stories of overcoming and becoming!  I often wonder how those people are doing one year, two years later.  Sadly, many of them return even larger than they were before.  Makes you scratch your head and wonder what happened. 

Much like these brave individuals, we set a goal to lose weight.  It may not be 200 or 300 pounds. Just enough weight to get into a certain size or a certain dress.  To feel better.  To look better.  To become more healthy.  Sooooo we exercise.  We watch what we eat.  We watch how much we eat.  We spend money and hours at the gym.  We might even hire a personal trainer.   We jump up and down after our goal has been met.  Then within weeks, months, years, we’re right back to the same ole thing.  Here lies what many fitness and weight loss experts are now aware of.  In order to be successful, we have to adopt a new lifestyle.

My transformation started with a change of mind and then accountability, but ultimately, it had to become a part of me.  I had to get it.  My head was wiser than my body.   Its voice had to become louder and I had to believe it.  For me, an unavailable man would send my body into an absolute tizzy.  I found him sexy as all get out!  It wasn’t any one thing about him.  He could be as fine as Boris Kudjoe or as homely as Chris Rock.  Nonetheless, like a moth to a flame, I was drawn in.  My head had to recognize that. 

I had to tell myself the truth.  Not the general truth.  Not the surface truth.  But the real truth.  The real truth that 90% of the men I felt that thick attraction to were not available.  Not only did I have to get that in my head but I had to get that into my body too.  I couldn’t get betrayed once again by hope.  That hope that he might be different.  That hope that makes you ignore those blaring signs and magnify his potential.  That kind of hope is a lie.  It’s a betrayal.  It’s not a little white lie.  It’s a deceiver with the intent to sabotage me:  short circuit my sobriety and draw me back into my alcoholic-similar, addictive, compulsive tendencies.

“This ain’t no movie mane (man), I’m a real woman.  Been down this road before.  I just need more.”  I now have more.  You can have more.

I Want To Be A Part of That

Finding what makes you happy, is a whole lot better than finding what makes you rich.  I heard Mekhi Phifer’s character on the movie, HONEY, say those words.   Then to Honey, he says, “I want to be a part of that.”  “Part of what?,” she asks.  Leaning in, he answers.  “What makes you happy.”  What is it about a woman that a man would want (or possibly even need) to make her happy?  What is it?   

While I was visiting with my mother yesterday, my uncle told her she was doing exactly what God wanted her to be doing.  He followed up with more encouragement by telling her that suffering means we are doing something right.   If you ain’t suffering then you aren’t livin a Godly life. 

I have learned that you can’t change what someone believes.  I don’t even get angry anymore.  People can’t help how they feel and what they truly believe.  If a woman believes that suffering in a relationship is proof of her love and devotion, you can tell her different but she ain't gonna listen to you.  My sister friend asked me a very sobering question.  Why do we press on with a guy even when we know in our hearts that he isn’t good for us or giving us what we need?  Is it because he’s hittin it (good in bed) solid or is it that we are hopeful or what?   

I think there is something that we find attractive in a person.  He makes us laugh.  She hooks up a killer meal.  He makes us feel listened to.  She didn't fall for our line.  He took the lead.  She held a brother down during a lean time.  Or yes, maybe it was that sexy slap-yo-momma swagger in his approach.  The way he kissed us, touched us, begged us and eventually sexed us.  There was something about him that set the bar up there.   Be real or imagined, this created hope.  The hope that he will do it again.  The hope we'll feel it again.   Sooooooo, we give him opportunity after opportunity to rise to our ideal.  Sadly, for some of us, that need for what I call ideal fulfillment can bind us too. 

As I reflect on that killer line that Mekhi handed Jessica Alba’s character, Honey, it sparks some self examination.  Do I want a man who will make me happy?  Is that happiness tied to him meeting an ideal?  When I was younger, I wanted the fairy tale ending.  Yes I did.  I've learned something though.  As wonderful as a man is, he is never enough. 

You might be the most devoted, faithful, loyal, interesting, adventurous, sexy man God ever created and you still aren't enough.  The monsters under my bed and ghosts that haunted me in the dark could not be exorcised by a mere mortal.  When the dragons of life reared their ugly heads, taunting me and threatening to destroy everything that I really cared about, a man wasn’t able or available to rescue me.  The discontent.  The disappointment.  The fear.  The anxiety.  The issues.  A tortured soul and distrusting heart ridden with triggers, a lone man could not free.  It took a God.  Only God could satisfy the longing in my soul.  Only God could illuminate me, heal me and liberate me.  What He's done for me is enough.  So, no, I am not looking for a man to make me happy.  Just a man.  A man who recognizes himself in me.