There were various opinions on the matter. In The Intimate Marriage, the writers talk about conflict-habituated. A couple who fights all the time, yet are still together was who they were referencing. My immediate thought. gray hair, false teeth and still fighting! "The need to do battle with one another is the cohesion that holds these couples together." they explain. Hum, not what I was looking for. On the other hand, the Gottman's. "Constructive conflict," they call it, is a gentler approach. Masters at it "soften the way they bring up an issue..." Nope. Doesn't fit me. Doesn't fit him. Doesn't fit us.
But you know, I don't think Natalie was talking about either. The way I heard it was there is a coming together in fighting. The rubbing together. The friction. Its the involvement, the tugging, the act of pushing up against that smooths those jagged edges and creates a bond. How different from what I was taught or what I've heard. "Marriage is give-and-take," I've heard. "You got to learn to compromise. Self-sacrifice. Take one for the team. SUBMIT. " ARGHHHHH. I've tried wearing these ideals. I've tried using softer language. I've tried using "I" statements instead of "you." I've tried, I've tried, I've tried. But it's me playing a role. It's not real for me. What of equality? Why should he win at my expense or he lose so I can have way? To me, something's wrong with that. Why can't there be a win-win?
Truth is, there are some arguments that'll never end. Battles that'll never be won. He may never understand how you feel. She may never do that thing that you what. You have to find a way to not let conflict polute your affection for each other or your connection with each other. Managing the moment. Now, that rings true for me. In fact, that was what the couples at Supper Club did for us. Instead of focusing on who had the more valid point, they identified the underlying need and attempted to broker how we could help each other. We weren't trying to hurt each other or dismiss each other, rather, were protecting what was precious to us. In her article, How To Turn Conflict Into Intimacy, Elizabeth Dickson, LCSW, reflects on what Psychologist Dan Wile calls “solving the moment rather than solving the problem.”
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