I contemplated going but I just didn't want to go. I was told that in order to benefit from the group, the participants needed to come to at least 5 meetings. But the idea of being in the room with that facilitator and those people just filled my heart with dread. It's not that I think I'm better or something. It's not even that I minimize my need for intervention. It's just that everyone seemed almost zombie-like.
Does managing your anger mean you cease to have a pulse? Most of the folks were on medication and boy, you could tell! Those who participated spoke in monotone. They didn't look each other in the eye. And the group was sooooooo structured. They had to read from a book. And if they shared their experience with anger, they had to follow some structured way of presenting. Arggghhhhh! How can I manage my anger when being with these folks made me want to run down the street screaming like a lunatic?!
I like my passion. I like my animation. I like my voice inflection. I like that I laugh loudly and have a sense of humor. I can't believe that getting control of my temper means I have to go into a coma. I remember thinking to myself, I prefer the other approach to anger that I read before coming to this meeting. "Managing anger does not work and 'trying' not to be angry often ultimately makes the situation worse." I had typed the words "anger issues" in Yahoo search and came upon this website called Divinely Designed. Their belief was that anger is not something to be managed. Instead, find the root cause and remove it.
I remember telling my then-boyfriend that I knew exactly what sets off my temper. The anger management group called them triggers. The website referred to them as splinters. When I am talking and keep getting interrupted, that frustrates me. I even have physiological responses when someone pushes me to do something I don't want to do or when someone uses a condescending tone or goes off on me. I can feel the irritation start at my neck and tighten at the back of my head. If I feel that my feelings are being dismissed or minimized or when an expectation is unmet, I feel my heartbeat get faster and my face become flushed. If I'm lied to or deceived, I not only become angry, I launch a full-scale verbal attack. Nine times out of 10, that's when I'll either throw you out or I'll leave in a huff.
When I really think about this, I have to admit that my anger makes me feel powerful. It's a way to defend myself against some perceived threat to my human rights, honor, value or abilities. As I continued to scroll through the website, something else caught my attention. "While the splinter is still in my finger, that spot is very tender and easily hurt. But once the splinter is removed, then healing can occur. When healed, my finger no longer over-reacts to being touched (or poked). In a similar way, there is some wound inside you that causes you to spontaneously, emotionally, react when someone pokes you with a sharp stick. "
If it was simply an external wound caused by a splinter, I could get some tweezers and remove it. I could apply alcohol and in time, the affected area would heal. But when it's an internal wound, it requires a spiritual antidote. My prayer is Lord show me what the splinters are. Let your Love get to the root of them and remove them. Help me to find my power in you.
