Divorce. Who would have thought that I, Suzette Randolph, Alice and Randy's daughter, born again blood washed child of the Most High, would suffer a divorce? And as if once wasn't enough, TWICE? To the same man? That's unreal!
When you get married to someone, the joining together is more than the ceremony. Every part of you is directly or indirectly joined to every part of the other person. That's what makes it spiritual. You are joined to every flaw - real or imagined - whether you know about it or don't. Every weakness, every unresolved issue, every wound, every family secret, ghosts of relationships past, what they did get as a child, what they didn't get, every insecurity, every set of circumstances that cause that person to feel insecure. So it's no small feat to unjoin.
On April of 2003, I answered four questions about my marital state. The judge hit the podium with his gavel and it was over. Little did I know that physically divorcing someone is the easy part. With each year, each month, each week, each day, each moment, I would be divorcing some part of myself from that union. Believe it or not, although fibers of that cord to my heart have snapped, I think I am just feeling the final fiber being pulled away and finally, FINALLY, my heart being freed.
There were three distinct moments when I felt the liberation. One of those moments was when I threw away my exit plan. Everyone who has abandonment issues has an exit plan. Hello. Our antenna is always up and when we feel the least bit intimidated, we will reject you before you reject us. Dr. Phil calls it playing the game of love with sweaty palms. We always have doubts and fears that fuel our fight-or-flight responses in relationships.
Another moment was when I no longer feared loving. Amazingly, that came after conflict. Major conflict! I was amazed that my close girlfriend said about my boyfriend, "he REALLY cares for you. Not many men would have opened up and been that vulnerable in front of your friends." They saw something that I was too trapped in my own head to see: presence, realness and a desire to do the work of relating. When I took a step back, I saw it too. It was at that point that I was no longer afraid to love him.
Typically, when I ask him for something and he doesn't give it to me, I get mad. Then the torment starts. "He is withholding from you," my feelings of insecurity whisper. "He's dismissing what's important to you. See, he is different now that he thinks he has you. See." Usually, that is grounds for me to fight, to run or to fight and run. This time, this morning in fact, I didn't act on those fears. Instead, I said what I needed to say, he said what he needed to say and he exited to the living room before things got too heated. After he left, I sent him a text that said simply, "I love you." At that moment, that last soul tie to my failed marriage popped from my heart.
You see, one of my core values is choice. That goes with the freedom, liberation, honoring and respect theme that pulsates deep within me. I asked for something. He said no. I didn't like it; but everyone has the right to say "no." Further, we should be able to say "no" without rejection, shaming or retaliation. By not going into attack mode, we were able to exit the disagreement with our dignity in tact. Moreover, rather than lamenting over his "no," I went to church. There, I got a "yes" from God that brought relief and release.
Loving someone is not wasted time. It is when we are most like God. When you don't run from intimacy anymore, the past no longer has a hold on you. When you no longer kick yourself for all that you sacrificed to make a relationship work, I believe you have reclaimed your heart. No resentment. No longer feeling like a fool. No longer beating yourself up for all you invested only for the relationship to end. No longer walled up to ensure the next man or woman won't do that to you - whatever your that is.
I remember sharing with my sister that I no longer feel bad about what I did to keep my marriage. Do you realize how huge that was? Wow! I don't regret it! I don't regret the money I gave for him to start his business or for the downpayment on our home. That's what a wife does. I don't resent caring for him as his spinal degenerative disease progressed and his nervous system was compromised. That's what a wife does. I don't regret going to counseling, crying, praying, believing in him, hoping against hope that we would get better. That's what a wife does. There is no shame in it. In fact, I am proud of it. I am proud of me!
