I’ve heard it said that you can’t help who you are attracted to. Well, I believe different. I think it’s a matter of maturity and self discipline.
Taking an example from my own experience, it is no secret that my past is riddled with unavailable men. In some way, shape or form, unavailable is stamped cross his forehead. Whether he was married, engaged, separated, lived in another state, in church 24/7, a workaholic or just a plain ole narcissist, he was not available. When I met my last boyfriend, though I had my reservations about him from the start, he was available. Regardless to whether he and I lasted or not, I decided that I needed to know what it felt like to date an available man. It was time to grow up.
Let's not get it twisted. I did find him attractive. It was different though. It wasn’t that knees buckling, OHHHH MYYYY GODDDD attraction that makes your heart race, your palms get sweaty – among other things. Neither was it that "he's alright" type of attraction that becomes more intense when he doesn't call you after a date or says he's going to meet you and doesn't. Sometimes that feeling of what the hell can keep you caught up when you wouldn't be otherwise. But that's the topic of another blog...lol. What was different was I was able to be involved with him without losing my good sense.
As I said before, it was a bumpy ride. There were certain things about him that my intuition was dead on about, but I have learned that we can choose to honor a higher truth. A Higher Intuition, if you will. You know that passage in the Bible where it says that “Jesus was driven by the Holy Spirit into the wilderness?” Then after he was tempted, He “came out in the power of the Spirit?” Well, that scripture spoke to me while I was kneejerking my way through my relationship. That Higher Intuition or Holy Spirit required that I not leave the relationship out of intimidation or fear. “There are some things in life that you have to dig your heels in the ground and say ‘I won’t be intimidated’”, my Higher Intuition said to me.
For many of us women, we’ve allowed a broken relationship – be it one with a parent or someone we really fell hard for – to dictate our relationships. Either we’re attracted to someone who fits the profile of the dad who wasn’t there or the mother who rejected us because “you’re just like your daddy.” Or we gave our hearts to someone and they left it broken and now we’re broken. I think that sometimes what we’re most attracted to is someone who has that certain something that evokes a clinginess out of us. We can’t get away. We’re hopelessly “in love.” We got it bad for this man or this woman and it ain’t good.
Hence, the question. Does love make us powerless? I don't believe that it does. "But I love him,"you argue. How many times have we heard that from the woman who is beat beyond recognition? How many times have you heard him say that he loves the woman who treats him like shiggety? I don't care how you slice it, I don't buy it. You're lying. I said it, yes I said it (in my Michael Baisden voice). Why can't we get honest with ourselves? What's the truth? Tell me the truth. "I'm broken." That was my truth. Or as Love Is a Choice defined it, “I’m codependent.” He’s broken and I need him to be broken so my love can fix him. I need to stay until she stops treating me badly. I need the daddy who wasn’t there to acknowledge me or the mother who was critical to accept me. I need to help you love me cause if I can't convince you, then maybe that's proof that I...I am not enough.
With understanding comes change. This is why I needed to stay the course. I needed to dismantle that attraction to something not good for me. I needed to change those broken beliefs awakened when I felt insecure. I needed to take the magnet out of that attraction. And I needed to come out "in the power of the Spirit." By submitting to my Higher Intuition, I found that being with an available man feels soooooo much better than hungering for an unavailable one. And I found that the end of the relationship didn't have to perpetuate brokenness. Quite the contrary, it mended what was broken.
I’m still a work in progress. Since returning to the dating scene, I’ve met men who rang my bell. I felt that special connection. That magic. But just as sho as the road goes by the church, they weren’t available. Where I would have been attracted like a moth to a flame, I've been able to walk away after a couple of conversations. It's like I'm walking in a new consciousness. A new liberation. In fact, I am now dating a wonderful man who is definitely an improvement over my last serious relationship. Being with him is as comfortable as breathing. Will it last? I dunno. But who cares! It’s the journey that is most important. The end will take care of itself.
