Until last night, I didn't know that the inability to make a decision was a symptom of menopause. With wonder, I listened as a group of us women went through the laundry list of symptoms only to discover indecisiveness can be one of them. Something as simple as what to buy from the grocery store or what to wear to work can become a major hurdle.
Barring menopause and its symptoms however, life brings us to various pivotal points where we have to decide. We have to impose a just-this-far-and-no-more moratorium on things. My just-this-far-and-no-more came with a family member. We had years of missteping with each other. We'd offend the other without trying, accusee the other for our discomfort, go or a while without speaking, then we'd feel bad inside or long for the connection. One of us would reach out to the other. It would feel great for a while, then the other would do something or say something wrong. The cycle would repeat itself. Sadly, each time this happened, the relationship slipped deeper into despair. In time, we both assumed the victim role. We argued who was the bigger victim and lost trust.
It just so happened that the umpteenth conflict arose while I was in conversations with wise friends and sage advisors. Who knew you could meet such people while attending a meetup or while searching for a life coach online! It happened. This friend said to me that when we have an intense reaction to something or someone, there is some pain that Life wants to heal. While pondering that, the answer came.
In that moment of clarity or Higher Consciousness, I saw two things: (1) I owed my family member an apology and (2) I needed to attend to the wound.
Up until that moment, I blamed her for the emotional distress I had been feeling. "It's your fault," I said to her everytime she disappointed me in some way. I took it personally and held her responsible. After all, when an interaction with someone bumps into unfinished emotional or psychic pain, you no longer feel safe with them. You just don't. Trust is eroded more and more everytime you don't feel your experience is regarded. Isn't that at the core of resentment? Most of us would say so. I would have said so. Nevertheless, in this moment, it got challenged. The source of resentment has nothing to do with someone else. I'll say that again. Your source of resentment has nothing to do with someone else. I believe the source is requiring someone else to give us relief. We bully them to answer the way we want and act as we want. When they won't, we blame them. We reject them. We talk about them. We harrass them. I had to apologize for that.
No doubt, when we are mishandled by someone, it hurts. It hurts like heck! However, it is misguided to expect the perpetrator to stop the pain and heal the wound. Even if they repent and want to make amends, they still can't do that. You have to attend to your own pain and your own wound.
A first step is forgiveness. There goes that F word again. Forgiveness is no longer holding the precipitant liable for the pain or loss or wound. I always like to use practical examples to illustrate my point. Say you get shot. The shooter runs away and leaves you lying on the floor. Do you lay on the floor, bellyaching over why you got shot, what kind of person would shoot you, how dare they shoot you? Do you yell to the shooter, "Come back here! It's your fault! You fix this!" and tell yourself that the reason you're bleeding and in pain is because he or she won't come back and help you? No! Understanding the seriousness of a gunshot wound, you drag yourself to a telephone or cell phone or neighbor and get some help. "I've been shot," you tell the 9-1-1 operator. One of the first things the operator will tell you to do is try and stop the bleeding. They'll walk you through it as they send emergency services to your location. Not one time will the operator entertain rantings about the shooter unless the shooter is of immediate threat.
What happens if you fail to call 9-1-1? What happens if you fail to do as the operator advises? You could risk blood poisoning. You could lose a limb. You could even die. Whose fault would it be, the shooter's or yours? I know you want to say the shooter. I feel ya. But, I beg to differ. If the phone is lying nearby, you are conscious, there is a shirt you can rip apart to put pressure on the wound, something, the responsibility is on you. If you don't attend to your wound, you are the one at fault.
When I understood that, my decision was clear. I knew I had to attend to the wound. This would require distance as it had grown more painful and more infected. I assured my family member that my love wasn't in question. I loved her deeply. I wasn't okay though. I was compromised; hence, I couldn't give her the kind of friendship she needed and deserved. I asked for room. She consented. Dr. Phil says, "We have moments in our lives where we can step up and do powerful and meaningful things." This was one of those moments. I think we both stepped up in that moment. I shifted my focus to me and did the work to heal. I am happy to say she and I are in a healthy place.
When we decide to decide, we stop the bleeding. Yes, there is some work on the other side; but it starts with a decision.
