You Matter

"Dad passed [died] on Tuesday," my cousin, Lawrence, said when he called. "I'm going home to make arrangements."

Maybe it was knowing that this was the death of his only parent left. Maybe it was the struggle, the disconnect with his father over the years. Maybe it was the years of neglect where a man's calling took precedence over his wife and family. I dunno. All I know is yesterday evening, I had to go to Roxboro to be with my cousin.

That determination spurred me on as my son and I drove from 4:45pm until 7: 50pm to find the church where the wake would be. That resolve relentlessly beat in my chest when I'd make a wrong turn, go miles out of the way, stop to ask strangers for directions, make another wrong turn, and drive even further out of the way. I got to get there. I gotta to be there for him. Despite my own fatigue from lack of rest coming out of a jam-packed Memorial Day weekend, I drove. All looked lost until we came upon a trailer where an elderly woman was sweeping the small porch in front. "If this doesn't work, we're going home," I told my son.

FINALLY!

My heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest as we pulled into the crowded parking lot of the church. With the wake ending at 8:00pm, we had little more than 10 minutes to get inside. If I can just hug him. I just have to let him know that I care. We entered the church, packed as if it was a Sunday morning. We scooted into a pew at the back. That very moment, the presider said, "Would the family like to say anything?" I looked around. Nobody. I stood up. With nothing prepared, without really thinking about it, I stood up. I can't remember all that I said, to be honest with you, but I can say this. I hugged my cousin, my dear dear cousin Lawrence, as I passed him on the way to the front of the church. I told him about the challenging trip to get there only to say, "That's how important you are. We HAD to get here just…for…you." I saw him burst into tears. This man, who had to drive from Petersburg, Virginia to Durham to take care of funeral arrangements when he himself was just recovering from congestive heart failure and pneumonia. This man, who had been my go-to when I had questions about the men I was dating. This man, who had driven miles and incurred expense to help me with my nonprofit. My cousin, who I grew up with and innocently practiced kissing on when we were kids (that's what watching soap operas as a child will do to you…lol). My cousin who was now orphaned. This man's eyes filled with tears.

Empathy is defined as the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Though I strive to do that with everyone I talk with, I believe there is a more Divine layer to this called Kindness With Connection. The first person I ever heard use this term was Oprah Winfrey. I can't recall her exact definition but my takeaway is Kindness With Connection is when an act of kindness ceases to be about you and ministers to the heart of the other person. It's the difference between you giving me the gift you want to give me and giving me the gift that honors the essence of me. It tells me I see you, I hear you and you matter. I needed for my cousin to know that HE mattered. I needed him to know that I saw, I heard and that he mattered. Everyone else was there to celebrate his dad. Of course they were and rightly so. He was their leader. He was the man who gave of himself for them. They were the recipients of his best. The very people who, in a child's eyes, took his dad from him and his mom. And while others talked of his dad's impact on their lives, I saw a humility and grace. My cousin could have had an arrogant spirit. He could have decided that he would show them. He was in the driver's seat now. Instead, my cousin smiled and hugged them. He told them to follow his dad's example. To pick up the phone and let the people in their lives know that they love them because they don't know when it will be their last time. To me, my cousin is the truly great man and things happened the way they were suppose to just so he'd know that.

Obedience, The Doorway to Provision

It never ceases to amaze me how Life can invite you into its own Master Class. Take the aftermath of my refrigerator purchase. My son went to Newark to seek housing for his summer internship. My sister visited from Atlanta to attend the ordination of a pastor friend of ours. With these concurrent events were expected and unexpected financial demands. Though I enjoy having visiting friends and family, it can become quite costly. You spend more. Food. Gas. Time. Unknown to them, I had surges of overwhelm from time to time. I questioned silently whether I really should have bought the refrigerator. Should I have gotten a cheaper one? Should I have waited to see how financially impacting this Memorial Day weekend would be? Was it really Wisdom telling me it was time to get the fridge or was it my need to have certain conveniences right now?

I put gas in the car. I bought lunch for everyone. But it was disproportionate to the provision. As if the Universe heard my hidden anxiety, provision showed up. Without my even having to ask, my sister filled my gas tank. When we got hungry, she bought blackened tilapia for us. When my son needed money quickly to put down a deposit on a place he found in New Jersey, she immediately wired him the money. When a taxi service overcharged his credit card, she had had the same happen to her during her travels and gave him good advice on how to handle it. God used her to take the pressure off. Yes, we took care of each other but God's provision shined through her in completely unexpected ways that tripled, quadrupled my li'l offering of hospitality.

This morning, somewhere between 5:00am and my arrival back home from taking my sister to the airport, a Greater Voice invited me to reflect. Earlier this week, my Inner Wisdom said, "It is time." I was obedient. Provision came. Obedience is the doorway to provision. Was the cost of the refrigerator even a factor, I pondered. What if I had decided to use my resources to buy a $2000 refrigerator instead of paying a little over $800? Would it have mattered? Was the provision contingent on that?

As I thought about this and listened for the answer, I remembered Star Wars. You know that part where Yoda is instructing Luke Skywalker about using the force. Luke is in the handstand position with objects floating around him. "Focus," Yoda instructs. "Feel the force." While luke is focusing, he receives an impulse that his friends are in trouble. Anxious to get to them, he lamented that his aircraft was stuck in the marsh. While he cowered in despair, Yoda takes center stage. He closes his eyes. He raises his hands. The huge aircraft begins to budge and before long it levitates with the same ease as the smaller objects.

"Size doesn't matter. Big. Small. The force is the same." Yoda's words spoke to Luke's moment and now to mine. I understood something I had not before. God's provision isn't contingent on anything other than my obedience. My Wise Self prompted me to act and I did. Not only did God provide the resources needed for me to act; but the resources I'd need afterward. God is All-Wise and All-Knowing. He already knew what refrigerator I would pick. He already knew how much it would cost. He already knew the needs that would arise afterward. When God opens a door, you cannot close it. You can stare at it and question the why's and the how's or you can walk through it.

This weekend, I found that to be true. Surprisingly, I also found the converse is true as well. My lawn looked a hot mess. I hadn't noticed until Friday. You have to understand, my lawn was absolutely gorgeous. My grass looked like green-tuft velvet. Beautiful! You can imagine my surprise when, as I backed out of my driveway, I saw that it was now yellowish brown and weeds were sprouting all over. Argggggggghhhhh! I called friends, telling them I needed lawn care immediately. Despite their recommendations and making multiple calls to lawn care providers, my lawn continues to look awful. What happened? Rain. One thunderstorm after another. One scattered shower after another. What this has taught is no matter how much I want something now, God knows when and how to provide. And so I rest.

Just Because I Wanted It

I knew it was time. Somewhere between opening letters and looking at Oprah's round circle chat with staff and producers on OWN, I knew. I had to buy a refrigerator. I had been stuffing food items into my neice's college size refrigerator since day one of my move into my home. I told myself that I didn't want to pay for a brand new one. Sounded mature at the time. I think something else was behind my hesitation though.

When Stedman Graham was saluting Oprah at her farewell gala, he said that he was amazed that a woman who could create "all of this," brought her lunch with her to work every single day. Later, during his interview on the Gayle King Show, he and Gayle discussed it. "People don't know that she's frugal," Gayle said. Remarkably, Oprah had packed her lunch every day for 25 years, thinking not only of herself but bringing lunch for Sherri Salata and another producer.

I'd like to think that I am frugal too. After all, for years, it's been easier for me to spend money on others than on myself. But if I were to be honest, I'd have to say that good stewardship, frugality or selflessness aren't the reasons behind it. Today the deeper truth became clear. While writing this blog actually. I feel unworthy. I grapple with feelings of unworthiness every time I spend money on myself or for something I want. You know that queasy uneasy feelin that won't let you enjoy it. You know what I mean? Makes you justify it to yourself and other people what you did and why you did it. If you have a good reason, it's okay. If not, it's not. Why can't we simply say I wanted it and leave it at that?

I really believe that is why it took me so long to buy a refrigerator. If I bought a used one or one off Craigslist then I could impress others with my being responsible, frugal or a good steward. Probably wouldn't be feelin that stunned I just forked out $868 dollars and some change for a refrigerator feeling. Would I have felt more peaceful about it? Maybe, maybe not. Knowing me, probably not. I would have worried about not having the safety net of a warranty. I would have wondered if, when I got it home, it would run great for a while but then start shakin and making those defective sputters later on. And what if I had found a great deal on a fridge on Craigslist? I don't have a truck! Some sellers will deliver their product. This is true. But for me, no way is that an option. I don't know them and I don't want them knowing where I live.

Perhaps that's why I needed that inner push. My sister is coming for Memorial Day and my son is here from college. Three adults and one college size refrigerator? Not gonna work. So with that motivating fact, I dashed out of here last night. Walked swiftly around Lowe's with my US Postal Change of Address 10% discount and my gift cards in tow. Got what I wanted and I didn't break the bank. But most of all, I got what I wanted just because I wanted it.

Radio Show

Thanks to Bonnie Kaye, the beautiful person who asked me to be a guest on her radio show.  Sharing my story with the radio listeners last night was such a gift.  After I took my son to college, I wondered if I had a purpose and what it was.  I felt so displaced.  Why am I still here, I'd ask in my silent moments.  Sure, you think about all the things you wanna do that you weren't able to because you needed food in the fridge and to keep the lights on.  But there are only so many meetups and singles socials one can participate in.  After a while, even dating randomly can become boring.  Trading one project for another can only take you so far.  I need for my life to have meaning.  Last night was that moment for me.  It expanded my sphere of possibilities.  It gave my voice a microphone to a radio audience I normally wouldn't have reached. 

Lord, you're up to something in my life.  You've blessed me with a beautiful house.  You've blessed me with a wonderful man.  Now this.  Whatever and whereever you're taking me, my response is a resounding "yes!"