I'll admit that the searches always evoked personal reflection. I’d find some tidbit and see if my current relationship measured up or fell short. Sometimes denial. Seeking to find someway to soothe my alarm, I'd keep searching in hopes of finding something to cast my relationship more favorably. Who wants to admit that yet another potential man is not Mr. Right, right?
When you’ve never had the complete package in a relationship, you tend to censor what you read. You compensate for what he lacks and magnify the smallest good thing. You reason that at least he texts you every day. That's a good thing, right? Yet you minimize the fact that he has yet to return one of your phone calls. I can remember a time when I would have read, “He’s not the type to blame others, or circumstances for life situations. He accepts accountability for his actions and is willing to self-examine, take responsibility and grow personally,” and put a twist on it. No man does that, I'd reason. I'd even hold up the White card. You know the one. They have to be talking about a White man. How many men period are willing to admit when they are wrong. Somehow it sounds too lofty, too ideological, not very grounded in the day-to-day reality of the men we date. De-ni-al.
Until now. This time, when I read about the qualities of a good man, my insides nodded in agreement. He is kind. Check. He is consistent. Check. He listens to hear not to speak. Check. He shows up. Check. He thinks your quirks are adorable. Check. I could go on and on but then you’ll probably want to gag. I can’t help it though. I’ve waited 51 years of my life to meet someone like this. Who could see me, see my heart, get it, get me and love me. Not love how I make them feel. Even my parents doled out affection based on performance. My heart wasn’t most important. My compliance was. So imagine how stoked I am to finally have someone in my life – a man, an available man – who sees me and loves me for me.
There is another layer to this that is just as key. I see him. I love him for who he is. Last night, we met at a local coffee shop. It was raining cats and dogs but it was worth it. We talked alot. Some about the relationship challenges of others and some about where we see ourselves in five, ten years. As I reflected on parts of the conversation, I started to feel anxious. I started feeling myself catastrophize the part that rang my insecurity bell. In response, my Ego started echoing what ought to happen and what should be. Then something unexpected happened. "I won't ask him to do that!" I heard myself say out loud. It's too important to him. My eyes filled with tears. In that moment my heart opened up. I realized that my regard for him had shifted from selfish to selfless. That's the true test of love.
