As you know, I broke up with my boyfriend. Sunday will make two weeks. During this time, I've been really grieving the loss. I decided early on that I would not be stuck in anger or denial. Might not be the case for others, but for me, anger is a way to avoid sadness and disappointment. It keeps me from feeling vulnerable and weak. And denial? It's a way not to feel like a failure.
Ours was a different story. I was treated well. I have no regrets. I don't feel like a failure so I don't feel the need for anger or denial. We were well aware of what bothered us about the other. But as with other relationships, there was so much potential there that we felt it was worth it to try to work through our differences. That takes time. I learned that you cannot truly give a relationship a fighting chance if you aren't 100% in. So I challenged myself to throw away my exit plan and I am soooo glad I did.
Both newsletters were about moving on. Paige's encouraged that you not cheat yourself of the experience by regretting the time you spent in the relationship. Most powerful was her response to an email from one of her readers. A young lady had been seriously dating this guy for 4 years and they broke up. "I am so sorry to hear about the ending of your relationship," Paige writes. "I suspect that there were problems you just couldn't overcome as a couple." Simple answer to the why that I struggled with in the dark.
This next part of her response is a little lengthy, but it brought even more perspective:
When you met your ex, you were a different person than you are today. You had certain needs, expectations, beliefs and dreams that drew you toward him. The connection you formed wasAw, how rich is that! Although I never felt like my time with my ex was wasted - quite the contrary - I struggled with how it ended. I struggled with why one day we were saying how much we loved each other and in a moment, we were agreeing that we needed to break up. When you can answer that question to your own satisfaction, it brings relief. Peace. Your heart needs nothing more from the past. It's ready to let go and move on.
based on his needs, expectations, beliefs and dreams as well. You met each other right where you were "at" and formed a bond based on that.
As your relationship progressed, you and your ex began to evolve, but not necessarily in the same ways. Some of your needs, expectations, beliefs and dreams changed, and his did as well.
You may have grown...he may have regressed.
Without me knowing the details of your breakup, suffice it to say that, eventually, you and your ex came to a crossroads and could not meet each other on this new level. You ceased to understand one another like you once did and found it impossible to relate in the ways that you used to.
So you see, at the time you and your ex met, he WAS 'the one' for you...THEN. You wouldn't have been ready for anyone else - even if the man you're meant to marry was standing right in front of you,
you would have chosen your ex.
That relationship taught you the lessons you needed to learn at this time - and because of it you know more about who you are and what you want and deserve out of life.
You are more evolved now and soon you'll be ready for the next relationship that will challenge you to grow... and ...the relationships that last forever are the ones where two people challenge each other to learn and grow while constantly rising up to meet one another at their new level.
This is usually where I stop. Isn't this where most of us stop? You feel such relief to the point that you feel you're alright now. It's all good, you tell yourself. Truth is, it isn't. Your heart has to learn to trust again. If not, your heart will close. Instead of approaching romantic relationships open, willing and confident, you block true intimacy. "The truth is, after a break-up, hearts tend to heal slowly. Sometimes, very slowly. It can take more than a minute, but eventually you start feeling (mostly) like yourself again. Then a BIG question comes up that you know you must ask yourself, yet you find it quite difficult to answer: Will I ever be able to trust my judgment about men and love again?”
I'll be honest. As I sit here right this minute, this is the furtherest thing from my mind. I'm so emotionally spent that I don't feel the energy to contemplate it. It's hard enough to get out of the bed, get dressed for work and go about the day-to-day requirements of life. I stayed in my jammies all day. I just wanted to stay in my house, work, write, watch TV and eat. I didn't want to go anywhere where people expect me to put on a happy face. I didn't want to go to another dating site. I don't want to even think about getting into another relationship.
Your Challenge. Your Choice.
Dr. Ronn writes, "Trusting your own judgment, trusting the next man, and trusting love again may seem too complicated and improbable for you to count on ever happening. But, not only CAN you do it—you MUST— if you are ever going to move forward again, toward your relationship goal, instead of staying forever stuck at the crossroads of 'Yes, I can' and ‘No, I can’t.' ”
As I read these words from the good doctor's newsletter, I realize that in order for my heart to be restored, I have to deal with the distrust that is invariably a byproduct of a break up. If I don't, fear and distrust will be my constant companions.
Lord help me. Right now, I find this overwhelming. The whole idea of moving forward makes me shaky and scared. Nevertheless, I trust you with the timing. I trust you with my heart.
